Feeling Thrown Away By Ex Addict, Need Clarity
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Feeling Thrown Away By Ex Addict, Need Clarity
After reading so many posts on SR, I decided to create an account this AM & write about my story in hopes of gaining some clarity. I'll try my best to keep it as short as possible.
**I tried to keep it short! Bless anyone who reads this novel of a post, seriously.**
Met my ex through family. My cousin has been dating one of his brother for 7+ years. Going into the relationship I knew of his drug use. Never been with an addict, but I knew addiction was serious yet somehow still underestimated its power. We lived 2 hours away. At the start of our relationship he'd just moved in with his older brother's family (brother and wife are both alcoholics, sometimes dabble in drugs). He wasn't working, but would watch their kids every day, tend to their vegetable garden, do laundry, clean, etc. as a way of showing thanks. His brother belittled him & got violent with him constantly. They would withhold food from him. Time his showers. Complain of water being wasted. Just sick people. Tell him he's welcome to stay there yet treat him like garbage. I wanted to help, so moved him in with my parents and I. All (I mean all) of his friends and family abuse something, whether it be alcohol, drugs or both. I figured I couldn't save him, but getting him out of that environment would sure as hell do some good. So he moved 2 hours north to live with me.
He got a job, started taking care of his fines for the first time in years, was going to probation and taking DUI classes in order to get his license back. He was finally taking care of his business. Money was going where it needed to go. He was surrounded by loving, supportive people for the first time in his life. It was the longest period of time he'd been clean since the age of 12. We both worked, but always made time to have (sober) fun. We would go to the movies, basketball games, frisbee golfing, go out to eat at new places, hang out with friends. I wanted to show him another way of life. I was so proud of him. As much as I did for him, he gave it right back to me in any way he could. I always felt loved and taken care of. He's got a beautiful soul... When we would visit his family the compliments were never ending. His mom thanked me for bringing her son back. He looked the healthiest he'd looked in years. After about 9 months of positivity things started to feel different. He had mood swings, was very defensive and irritable. I later found out that towards the end of him living here he'd been stealing pain killers and Xanax from my dad's buddy.
Anyways, we took a trip down to visit his family and he ending things with me there. Prior to our trip, his change of attitude tipped me off, so I would question him and he would get defensive and we would argue. So there was tension. When he got his things a few days after the breakup we had a talk. He said he loved me, but it was too hard to stay sober. It made me wish I did more. Why didn't I pressure him to go to meetings? I was stupid to think his DUI classes were enough.
He had the most traumatic upbringing being emotionally, physically and sexually abused by his step father. The torture he endured sounds straight out of a horror movie. Some examples of the torture include being forced to lick a plate full of ketchup clean as punishment or told to rub his fingers in hot peppers and then forced to rub his eyes. Being hog tied to the rafters in the family basement for hours, being woken up in the middle of the night and stripped down and forced to get into a scorching hot bath tub. Pure insanity. Knowing all that info I should've tried to find a therapist for him or something. Until that pain is dealt with, I think the addiction will always be there...
Anyways, after he got his things I didn't hear from him for a week or so. When he got ahold of me he tells me he made the biggest mistake of his life, he loves me, he's so sorry. At this point he's living with his brother again. He had $2000 saved, but blew most of it on drugs/drinking. I ended up visiting him a month later and he looked like absolute **** (lost a lot of weight, looked run down). It broke my heart, but he said he'd had enough and decided to find a place about 40 minutes away from everyone he knows to try and clean up his act. His mom was going to help, but under one condition: his little brother (also an addict) move in with him. Terrible idea. In the beginning things were ok. He seemed to be doing good. I would visit very often. He got a job and ended up telling me he works with 2 heroin addicts (heroin is his DOC). "Quit," was my response. But after applying for so many jobs and not getting any calls back, plus not having a means of transportation because of his DUI, his odds of finding another job were slim to none. So he continued to work there & everything I knew would happen, did happen. He started using again. I could tell even with being 2 hours away. Before using he'd call every day and text all day. All the sudden the calls and texts dwindled down. After a month of not seeing him, I went down to visit and he was high almost the entire time. I picked him up from work and he was sober. We spoke in the car and he got emotional several times wondering if I was seeing other people, which I was not. I asked him if he'd been using again and he had tears welling up in his eyes and told me he thought I just want him to tell me so it'd be easy for me to walk away from him (god I wish it was that easy). We get home, he showers and when he gets out of the bathroom he's high as a kite. He finally admits some half truths after a lot of coaxing on my part. Deep down I knew he'd been getting high for a month now. Seeing him dosing off in person I definitely knew, but I had to hear it from his mouth. After admitting to being high he tells me once he eats he won't seem so high. Later on he sobered up and took me to an awesome Italian restaurant and then a festival in the city after. We were having a fantastic time until he used the bathroom and came out high. I confronted him and he turned it around on me. He's not high, l need to stop starting arguments. Yeah. Right. I stayed for another day and after a blowout over him being high the next day I took all my things and left. Thought that would be it, but I got sucked back in. We talked over the phone within a day or two of me leaving. He tells me his best friend (only decent person in his life) confronted him on his relapse and said he'll take him to meetings whenever. He tells me he wants to get clean. When I offer finding a rehab his response is "I want to pay off my fines first." It's an excuse, but I still stuck around. Anyways, things go ok for a week, but next thing I know calls and texts are dwindling down again. He called me last Monday and said he only wants to be with me and asked if we were on the same page. I said yes. He said I love you before we hung up, like he normally does, and that's the last I've heard from him. It's been 8 days and I haven't heard a thing. His little brother has posted a few pictures on facebook within the last week of them together so I know he's alive, but I just don't get it. I tried calling once. Nothing. Sent one text. No reply. This is probably a blessing, but after everything we've been through and the love we shared I don't deserve to be thrown away. I love him more than he can understand. We were best friends. I'm confused because in the pictures his little brother posted he looks fine. They're being active, riding bikes. Since I'm silly and can't help but see things in black & white I figure, "he looks sober in these pictures, so if he's sober why is he ignoring me?" If he's using I can understand, and he probably is using but I can't help but feel abandoned. This is a jumbled mess. Hope someone can make sense of it. I would just hope he loves me more than this.
**I tried to keep it short! Bless anyone who reads this novel of a post, seriously.**
Met my ex through family. My cousin has been dating one of his brother for 7+ years. Going into the relationship I knew of his drug use. Never been with an addict, but I knew addiction was serious yet somehow still underestimated its power. We lived 2 hours away. At the start of our relationship he'd just moved in with his older brother's family (brother and wife are both alcoholics, sometimes dabble in drugs). He wasn't working, but would watch their kids every day, tend to their vegetable garden, do laundry, clean, etc. as a way of showing thanks. His brother belittled him & got violent with him constantly. They would withhold food from him. Time his showers. Complain of water being wasted. Just sick people. Tell him he's welcome to stay there yet treat him like garbage. I wanted to help, so moved him in with my parents and I. All (I mean all) of his friends and family abuse something, whether it be alcohol, drugs or both. I figured I couldn't save him, but getting him out of that environment would sure as hell do some good. So he moved 2 hours north to live with me.
He got a job, started taking care of his fines for the first time in years, was going to probation and taking DUI classes in order to get his license back. He was finally taking care of his business. Money was going where it needed to go. He was surrounded by loving, supportive people for the first time in his life. It was the longest period of time he'd been clean since the age of 12. We both worked, but always made time to have (sober) fun. We would go to the movies, basketball games, frisbee golfing, go out to eat at new places, hang out with friends. I wanted to show him another way of life. I was so proud of him. As much as I did for him, he gave it right back to me in any way he could. I always felt loved and taken care of. He's got a beautiful soul... When we would visit his family the compliments were never ending. His mom thanked me for bringing her son back. He looked the healthiest he'd looked in years. After about 9 months of positivity things started to feel different. He had mood swings, was very defensive and irritable. I later found out that towards the end of him living here he'd been stealing pain killers and Xanax from my dad's buddy.
Anyways, we took a trip down to visit his family and he ending things with me there. Prior to our trip, his change of attitude tipped me off, so I would question him and he would get defensive and we would argue. So there was tension. When he got his things a few days after the breakup we had a talk. He said he loved me, but it was too hard to stay sober. It made me wish I did more. Why didn't I pressure him to go to meetings? I was stupid to think his DUI classes were enough.
He had the most traumatic upbringing being emotionally, physically and sexually abused by his step father. The torture he endured sounds straight out of a horror movie. Some examples of the torture include being forced to lick a plate full of ketchup clean as punishment or told to rub his fingers in hot peppers and then forced to rub his eyes. Being hog tied to the rafters in the family basement for hours, being woken up in the middle of the night and stripped down and forced to get into a scorching hot bath tub. Pure insanity. Knowing all that info I should've tried to find a therapist for him or something. Until that pain is dealt with, I think the addiction will always be there...
Anyways, after he got his things I didn't hear from him for a week or so. When he got ahold of me he tells me he made the biggest mistake of his life, he loves me, he's so sorry. At this point he's living with his brother again. He had $2000 saved, but blew most of it on drugs/drinking. I ended up visiting him a month later and he looked like absolute **** (lost a lot of weight, looked run down). It broke my heart, but he said he'd had enough and decided to find a place about 40 minutes away from everyone he knows to try and clean up his act. His mom was going to help, but under one condition: his little brother (also an addict) move in with him. Terrible idea. In the beginning things were ok. He seemed to be doing good. I would visit very often. He got a job and ended up telling me he works with 2 heroin addicts (heroin is his DOC). "Quit," was my response. But after applying for so many jobs and not getting any calls back, plus not having a means of transportation because of his DUI, his odds of finding another job were slim to none. So he continued to work there & everything I knew would happen, did happen. He started using again. I could tell even with being 2 hours away. Before using he'd call every day and text all day. All the sudden the calls and texts dwindled down. After a month of not seeing him, I went down to visit and he was high almost the entire time. I picked him up from work and he was sober. We spoke in the car and he got emotional several times wondering if I was seeing other people, which I was not. I asked him if he'd been using again and he had tears welling up in his eyes and told me he thought I just want him to tell me so it'd be easy for me to walk away from him (god I wish it was that easy). We get home, he showers and when he gets out of the bathroom he's high as a kite. He finally admits some half truths after a lot of coaxing on my part. Deep down I knew he'd been getting high for a month now. Seeing him dosing off in person I definitely knew, but I had to hear it from his mouth. After admitting to being high he tells me once he eats he won't seem so high. Later on he sobered up and took me to an awesome Italian restaurant and then a festival in the city after. We were having a fantastic time until he used the bathroom and came out high. I confronted him and he turned it around on me. He's not high, l need to stop starting arguments. Yeah. Right. I stayed for another day and after a blowout over him being high the next day I took all my things and left. Thought that would be it, but I got sucked back in. We talked over the phone within a day or two of me leaving. He tells me his best friend (only decent person in his life) confronted him on his relapse and said he'll take him to meetings whenever. He tells me he wants to get clean. When I offer finding a rehab his response is "I want to pay off my fines first." It's an excuse, but I still stuck around. Anyways, things go ok for a week, but next thing I know calls and texts are dwindling down again. He called me last Monday and said he only wants to be with me and asked if we were on the same page. I said yes. He said I love you before we hung up, like he normally does, and that's the last I've heard from him. It's been 8 days and I haven't heard a thing. His little brother has posted a few pictures on facebook within the last week of them together so I know he's alive, but I just don't get it. I tried calling once. Nothing. Sent one text. No reply. This is probably a blessing, but after everything we've been through and the love we shared I don't deserve to be thrown away. I love him more than he can understand. We were best friends. I'm confused because in the pictures his little brother posted he looks fine. They're being active, riding bikes. Since I'm silly and can't help but see things in black & white I figure, "he looks sober in these pictures, so if he's sober why is he ignoring me?" If he's using I can understand, and he probably is using but I can't help but feel abandoned. This is a jumbled mess. Hope someone can make sense of it. I would just hope he loves me more than this.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 58
I admit that I am new here, but one hugely important thing this board has taught me is that its not how much you love them, or how much they love you, but how much you love -yourself-. Don't you deserve better than this rollercoaster ride? Yes, he had a horrific life and is a good person, but you can't fix that or change that just through love and compassion. You have experienced everything this man has to offer you, and it wasn't enough. Its tough as hell and incredibly painful, but in the long run you are better off escaping this back and forth insanity and moving forward with your life. Get rid of the heartache, drama, and trauma and surround yourself with positive things. He will take care of himself or he wont, and either way there is literally nothing you could have ever done about it. Trust me, I know the pain of saying goodbye to a good woman who was just dealt a miserable hand by life, but unfortunately the truth is that all you can really do is mitigate your own suffering by getting off this ride while you still can
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Phoenix, AZ
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Originally Posted by Charioteer 
I admit that I am new here, but one hugely important thing this board has taught me is that its not how much you love them, or how much they love you, but how much you love -yourself-. Don't you deserve better than this rollercoaster ride? Yes, he had a horrific life and is a good person, but you can't fix that or change that just through love and compassion. You have experienced everything this man has to offer you, and it wasn't enough. Its tough as hell and incredibly painful, but in the long run you are better off escaping this back and forth insanity and moving forward with your life. Get rid of the heartache, drama, and trauma and surround yourself with positive things. He will take care of himself or he wont, and either way there is literally nothing you could have ever done about it. Trust me, I know the pain of saying goodbye to a good woman who was just dealt a miserable hand by life, but unfortunately the truth is that all you can really do is mitigate your own suffering by getting off this ride while you still can
this really resonated with me thank you for posting!
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i noted in your post a lot of bad things that he TOLD you happened - living for free with his older brother and how they supposedly treated him and his supposedly horrific childhood; first time clean since the age of 12; first time EVER surrounded by loving supportive people. unless you were THERE or those stories can be verified by another party who shared the same experience, all you really have are STORIES. stories that elicit a specific reaction from you - sympathy, compassion, the desire to HELP.
which is exactly what you do.
and that worked for a while. til he choose to revert to old habits, taking drugs, stealing drugs. staying sober is just too hard, he says. and from there on he plays the "come here, go away" game, now you see me, now you don't. many stops and starts. no real plan. circling back around to the drugs.
meanwhile you are thinking you SHOULD have done MORE. that if only you had tried harder, you could have prevented this. but addiction doesn't work that way - the only one who can prevent the addiction from resurfacing is the ADDICT. all the external trappings and seemingly nice things in life, fun things, happy things, are just not enough to battle the beast. that is a fight only the addict can undertake and hope to win.
since he isn't able to live up to the "great guy when sober" billing, he's now gone radio silent. easier to deny and ignore than face reality. just the way the addict mind works.
really best to stay off his social media sites or that of his brother. we can drive ourselves batchit crazy trying to interpret a word or a phrase or a photo. if he wanted to get ahold of you........he would. and probably will again when the chips are down........but not when he's doing well or having too much fun to be bothered.
which is exactly what you do.
and that worked for a while. til he choose to revert to old habits, taking drugs, stealing drugs. staying sober is just too hard, he says. and from there on he plays the "come here, go away" game, now you see me, now you don't. many stops and starts. no real plan. circling back around to the drugs.
meanwhile you are thinking you SHOULD have done MORE. that if only you had tried harder, you could have prevented this. but addiction doesn't work that way - the only one who can prevent the addiction from resurfacing is the ADDICT. all the external trappings and seemingly nice things in life, fun things, happy things, are just not enough to battle the beast. that is a fight only the addict can undertake and hope to win.
since he isn't able to live up to the "great guy when sober" billing, he's now gone radio silent. easier to deny and ignore than face reality. just the way the addict mind works.
really best to stay off his social media sites or that of his brother. we can drive ourselves batchit crazy trying to interpret a word or a phrase or a photo. if he wanted to get ahold of you........he would. and probably will again when the chips are down........but not when he's doing well or having too much fun to be bothered.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
i noted in your post a lot of bad things that he TOLD you happened - living for free with his older brother and how they supposedly treated him and his supposedly horrific childhood; first time clean since the age of 12; first time EVER surrounded by loving supportive people. unless you were THERE or those stories can be verified by another party who shared the same experience, all you really have are STORIES.
.
.
As I mentioned in the beginning of my post, my cousins been dating one of his brothers for 7+ years. My cousin's boyfriend's father is my ex's (abusive) step father and he's opened up to me about witnessing these sick acts. His mother and grandmother have also talked to me about his childhood, so I do believe it is true.
I really appreciate the responses. I agree with everything everyones said. It's like I know what I need to do deep down, but it's just so hard to let go. Not to sound dramatic, but it feels like a death. I don't want to lose him... but time heals all wounds, right? I sure hope so... His birthday is next Monday. I want to send him a card. Is that wrong?
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I think it's only wrong to send him a Bday card if it's another way for you to allow yourself to stay attached to him hoping for a positive reaction out of him.
Had to laugh about the shower and chips.........when my ex was snorting oxy he'd to it while in the bathroom taking a shower and boy were those some long showers. And when he was high bags and bags of chips didn't satisfy him.
Had to laugh about the shower and chips.........when my ex was snorting oxy he'd to it while in the bathroom taking a shower and boy were those some long showers. And when he was high bags and bags of chips didn't satisfy him.
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Originally Posted by atalose
I think it's only wrong to send him a Bday card if it's another way for you to allow yourself to stay attached to him hoping for a positive reaction out of him.
Had to laugh about the shower and chips.........when my ex was snorting oxy he'd to it while in the bathroom taking a shower and boy were those some long showers. And when he was high bags and bags of chips didn't satisfy him.
Had to laugh about the shower and chips.........when my ex was snorting oxy he'd to it while in the bathroom taking a shower and boy were those some long showers. And when he was high bags and bags of chips didn't satisfy him.
Ahhh, this is consuming too much of my brain! I forgot to mention he hasn't had a working phone for about 2 weeks. He was using his little brothers phone to call me instead. His brother lives with him and doesn't work, so he has access to his phone every day. It's just killing me inside not hearing from him. He's supposed to get a new phone by his birthday (the 31st). I almost feel like he's going to contact me once he gets the new phone and act like nothing. Why do I want this to happen though?! I'll either get sucked back in or, if I have the courage to, I'll end things for good and he may respond with a "fine, bye" and that'll hurt me too.
I'm reconnecting with old friends, exercising and spending time with family to keep myself busy. On my down time though I can't help but think about him. I'm trying though.
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