Charioteer

Hey guys,

I had a brutally rough weekend with my AW and just wanted to come on here to vent about it for a minute.

After a thermonuclear romance followed by two years of desperately trying to make things work, I left my meth-and-heroin-addicted wife a little over a year ago. After just two days away from home, she promised to go to rehab, please come home, I need you, etc, etc. So I moved back in and took care of her daughter and our home while she was in rehab. She "escaped" after four days, swore she'd just go to narcanon meetings instead (she didn't), and ultimately kept clean for about a month after rehab. Things were good, but then they quickly became bad again, which shouldn't have been a surprise I guess. For the last year or so they've gotten steadily worse... arrests, disappearing at all hours of the night, stealing from me, lying, all the addict behaviors that you guys already know all too well. Over that time she made a few efforts to detox at home that never lasted more than a weekend -- as soon as I went back to work on Monday, she was on the hunt, then pretended to be sober for a while even though it was clearly obvious she was not.

One month ago, I decided I had enough of this rollercoaster lifestyle and didn't want to do this any more. I started sleeping on the couch and told her we were going to break up. She frantically detoxed herself again, began applying for jobs (she'd been unemployed for two years), and started trying to improve her life to be the "kind of wife you deserve". I stayed cautiously optimistic, hoping that I'd have a chance to be with the wonderful woman I remember. About a week into this, however, she went into a rage (she was sober at the time) and started calling me every horrible name in the book. I guess she was mad because I went out to my weekly poker game with my buddies and apparently that meant that I wasn't being supportive of her attempts to get clean.

Well that was it. I left, moved onto my mom's couch, and haven't looked back.

Being on my own for a month has been really nice. I'm clearing my head. I'm not nearly as stressed out or anxious as I used to be. I'm reconnecting with friends and family. I'm managing my finances and enjoying small victories like having enough cash to pay for my own drinks when I go out with my brother. It's been really nice to have food for my lunches at work and not feel anxious about going home.

I've seen her a few times since I left, and always at her request because I am trying to keep some distance. The most recent time was Friday. She was high, losing her mind with stress from car problems / life problems, and just basically begging me to come back. I love you, I've never loved anything so much, you always took care of me, I can change, I can fix things, why aren't you talking to me anymore, and how can we save our marriage if you aren't willing to communicate with me. That sort of thing. She claims she is working two jobs, but my gut feeling is that it's a lie. She claims she can't sleep or breathe because she is missing me, yet somehow everything is still always my fault and she can't possibly imagine to understand why in the world I even left her in the first place. She claims other men are pursuing her but she doesn't entertain them because she can't possibly move on from us.... but my mom was at my apartment complex last week to pick up a package at the front office and she saw the wife in the swimming pool with another man she was "definitely involved with romantically". I guess I should say that my mom isn't a 100% reliable source on this, because she would probably tell me anything she possibly could to get me away from this woman, which honestly should say a lot about my situation right there.

I am convinced I am doing the right thing, because I can't imagine any situation where I would fully be able to trust my own wife ever again. She is a sweet woman, and can be completely lovable and kind, but she hasn't been a good partner to me and I realize that. But there is also a huge part of me that hates the way all of this is going down. Despite all of her faults and all of my best attempts to ignore it I am still very much in love with this woman, in sickness and in health, and when your wife is crying and begging you to come talk to her and save your marriage it is very difficult for a man to not try and ride in to the rescue. During the weekend she was texting me everything you could think of -- beautiful sentiments, memories from our past, pictures of our wedding, sexy naked pictures, you name it. She claims to be utterly heartbroken, and, I do believe that in her own way she is. But she's also very toxic, and I don't want to be a part of the insane world where I used to live.

Last night I was getting messages throughout all hours of the night (it is pretty normal for her to not sleep for 3-4 days when she is speedballing), and the last one at 6am this morning was basically a "farewell forever, I am moving on with my life, thanks for everything" message. It breaks my heart to read and I feel like I've been stabbed in the gut, but I have to keep telling myself that at no point in her messages did she ever accept responsibility for anything. It's always my fault. I'm not treating her right. I'm deserting my family. I'm handling this poorly. She is so talented with words that I almost believe it, even though I know full well I did everything I could and was the best husband I could possibly be.

I realize that this is just an addict's way of screwing with your mind to get what they want, but it is massively effective at screwing up my mind and I'm having a really difficult time with it. I'm not worried about breaking in my resolve to stay away, but I feel like an action movie hero hanging on to the strut of a helicopter as it's taking off, but all the bad guys are punching him in the ribs as it's lifting out of there.

I hate this!

AnvilheadII

you just hang onto the helicopter and let it lift you away! i know this is tough, but she is also laying the manipulation on super thick and as you said, she's also f'd up on something which tosses rationale out the window - thus why she sounds kinda psycho right now.

one small phrase from the above jumped out at me....in her "why you can't leave me" rant:

you always took care of me

bingo. she is losing the only person who helped keep her life held together for the past few years. which means she is left to be the grown up, act responsible, and behave like an adult. and she DON'T WANNA. so she's pitching a fit and trying every hook and barb and bait she can to get you to come back and FIX IT.

not sure where you are on next steps (putting the marriage itself to rest) but it might not be a bad idea to up that timeline.....you are not dealing with a stable person and they are capable of some pretty wild stuff. you also don't have to be in contact anymore..............do you?

smartass1379

Charioteer, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation but the best thing you can do is let her feel rock bottom. There was nothing more you can do I n this situation and I'm glad you see that. Keep strong and keep posting, you are ultimately doing the best for you and her by staying away.

I still struggle trying to separate my feelings from my ABF because no matter what I will always love him but heroin and meth are strung drugs and you need to be 100 % committed to being clean and getting help.

I'm more than certain my ABF will relapse and I really don't want him too but... the odds are against him, specially with the amount of brainwashing they have been doing and the lack of will power on the families part.

Be strong, and sending positive vibes

hopeful4

You are the one who kept her life together even when she would use. Now your not, and you are letting her feel the consequences that her own actions cause. She hates it of course. It's par for the course, and it's a sad thing. It's awful to see someone you love go down the rabbit hole. Just remember this, letting her feel these consequences may be the one thing that actually motivates change for her. Or maybe not. However, if you continue to enable her, there is no chance at all. So even though it sucks, you are doing the right thing.

I know it's hard, but you don't have to read all of her texts. Someone sent me a text over the weekend and once I could see it was the same ol crap, I just deleted it and moved on. It's really hard to do, but when you do it will give you some sanity!

Take good care of you.

mnh1982

I hear you, bro.

My exAH resurfaced once again, too. "I will always love you", "I miss you so much", "I will never stop loving you", "I hate this" and "I want to die".

A minute part of me wants to tell him that I love him, too, & miss him, & want him back in our home.

But the rest of me reads all this BS, rolls her eyes & goes, "Yeah, yeah. Same old, same old."

Because, my friend, the only way to determine whether or not your ex means what he/she says is TO GO BACK THERE.

And there is an incredibly high likelihood, nay-a certainty, that they do not mean what they say & that to go "back there" means to return to exactly the place you just left.

And that means undoing all your progress.

It's almost frightening, isn't it, how quickly you become yourself again once you're out from under the unbearable burden of trying to love both yourself, someone else, AND children enough for two people?

I trust that you're truly just venting & have no intention of actually going back to her.

Believe me, I know how you feel.

But even on my worst days by myself, with my child, I am stronger, more capable & happier than on my best days with my ex, waiting for that other shoe to drop, wishing that his actions spoke as loudly as his words.

Be well, my friend. Go have a nother drink with your brother & toast yourself for having the courage to keep looking forward, not back.

anxiouswife2

Thats the craziest part of leaving, I think. And I'm a year removed from it.
It is so nice to have control back & order in my life. At the same time, sometimes it knocks the wind out of me to think of everything that's happened over the last year to get me where i am & him to where he is...
A year ago, I can't tell you where my head was at. I was in survival mode.
I deleted messages without reading, because i was one bad day away from crumbling, all the time. I took a new way to work to stop driving by my old house that we had shared. I blocked all of his family on social media and never opened an email from any of them.
It was just because i HAD to.
A year later, I don't have to do those things anymore because my resolve feels stronger. I know I'm no longer teetering in that weird place where the grief could outweigh my logical brain if I wasn't careful. The guilt was so strong, I constantly questioned every move I made on mine & my daughter's behalf. It was exhausting.

You sound awesome, like you are completely using your head & logic is winning.
No doubt, I'd love to see where you are in a year & are out on the other side.
She wants someone to pick up the pieces. She wants someone to hold the blame, I imagine there's a lot of it & it's not your job to carry that weight.
I second MNH, have another drink & be grateful for how far you've come.

Charioteer

Thanks so much guys. It's been really helpful for me to respond to other folks on this site, but as you know it's much easier to comment on someone else's situation than it is to look at your own life objectively.

I really do hate the way I feel these days. I have a constant guilt, like I let down my family and abandoned them to a bad fate. It doesn't help that about five times a day I see, hear, or smell something that reminds me of a fun memory I had with my wife. Despite having other girlfriends and such, I truly don't believe I've ever loved anyone else, and being apart is really crushing.

But everything you are saying is right, and I need to take care of myself. And that means not being a part of that insanity. So... I guess beers with the kid brother it is!

CodeJob

hello charioteer, I think there's a thread right now on the secular F&F about Covey's emotional bank in relationships. I'm fond of Brene Brown and she has a similar relationship evaluation. It might help you release some of the guilt.

Who Do You Trust? Marble Jars and Empathy | Catherine Bruns MFT

BlackSabbath

Aww, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Know you always have this place to come vent <3

But, not your circus - not your monkeys! She needs to sort herself out. Fortunately you don't have kids together! Thankfully I haven't had much contact with my ex, because I'm exactly where you are at. Check out some posts in FF Of Alcoholics as well. Stay strong - you've got this!

Read: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...-or-queen-baby

Charioteer

Holy crap, Sabbath, that is her to the letter. I'm bookmaking that link on my phone so I can read it any time I'm feeling weak! Thanks for sending!