Some Advice to Parents and Friends of Substance Abusers from a Drug Addict
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Some Advice to Parents and Friends of Substance Abusers from a Drug Addict Disclaimer: As with anything on an internet forum, this is a point of view and should not be taken as professional advice; please feel free to question, criticise and contribute to keep it as collaborative as possible.
The ideas and suggestions here come from research, professional guidance, observation, analysis and problem solving through personal experience. I'm not an expert or a medical professional, the intention here is to provide a semi-guide for strategy and support to save you the trouble of sifting through the hundreds of articles, speeches and forum posts out there.
Everything is theocratically applicable to any form of substance abuse, whether it be alcohol, oxycodone, cocaine or marijuana.
1. Everything you think you know about addiction is wrong.
[MUST WATCH] Johann Hari's TED Talk on addiction:
[YT Description] What really causes addiction — to everything from cocaine to smart-phones? And how can we overcome it? Johann Hari has seen our current methods fail firsthand, as he has watched loved ones struggle to manage their addictions. He started to wonder why we treat addicts the way we do — and if there might be a better way. As he shares in this deeply personal talk, his questions took him around the world, and unearthed some surprising and hopeful ways of thinking about an age-old problem.
Key points and additional thoughts:
Substance abuse isn't a matter of falling victim to an uncontrollable force, it's a matter of forming a bond with a drug effect that's stronger than the bond with reality. From the perspective of an addict the force can feel uncontrollable, but the cause for this compulsion is inherent in the person, not in the drug. That 95% of heroine-aided troops felt no persisting desire or withdrawal on their return home is infallible evidence of this.
Forming 'bonds' is an essential part of being human. It's what makes us want to do the things that we do in life. Though not mentioned in the speech, the glue to bonding with healthy accomplishment and day-to-day life activities is our brain's reward system, with the primary agent being dopamine.
Over time, the bonding process strengthens through the formation of new neural pathways in the brain that dictate habitual behaviour surrounding the substance. The longer a person uses a drug, the harder it is for them to stop.
2. It's about building a good life, not eradicating a bad one.
Scenario 1:
Sam is a 36 year old lower middle-class tradesman with a young family; a wife, Sally, and two children. He has a decent paying job, a developed skill-set and is known for his sense of humour. Over a period of five years Sam gradually starts to drink mid-strength beer throughout his working day, which may have begun with an occasional lunchtime drink but no-one's really sure. As his consumption increases, Sam's behaviour becomes more erratic and occasionally he displays an aggression his wife had never seen in anyone before, let alone her husband. Being assertive but afraid of confrontation, Sally is in no denial of the fact he has a serious drinking problem and that a pattern of destructiveness has begun. After several months of escalating violence and psychological abuse, Sally finally decides to tell Sam's parents about his condition.
Scenario 2:
Megan is a 17 year old student from a modest family background with three other siblings. Her mother has remarried, and she sees her father every second weekend or for longer periods when working at the nearby cafeteria in the summer. She's smart, thoughtful and a typically well-graded student through most of her high school. In the past 18 months her grades have dived to a C average, and she's become increasingly withdrawn in her demeanour. Her mother, Anne, is extremely worried and recognises the addiction pattern from a similar experience she had growing up with her own brother. When Megan's at school one day, Anne decides to search her room, and to her unsurprised horror finds evidence of opiate or amphetamine use; a neatly organised kit containing a syringe, pill-crusher, band, spoon & lighter.
Question: If you were the parents of these individuals, how would you approach them, and what would you do to repair their situations?
Here’s what usually happens:
1. Sam’s parents freak-out, eventually stage an intervention with his wife and best friend, and try to get Sam to recognise he needs professional help. They can’t afford to send him to rehab, but they hope professional guidance and AA will be enough to make a meaningful difference. Sam strongly denies he has a problem for the first few weeks, but when his shifts are dramatically cut due to poor performance, he finally agrees to see a councillor. On their advice he enters into AA and the 12-step program, and begins to verbalise the fact of his sobriety to his wife and friends.
Three months later, while watching late-night TV, Sam and Sally have a small argument over a program that escalates into a large one about commitment, and Sam disappears for the night. Sally doesn’t hear from him for two whole days, and is close to calling the police when he shows up completely inebriated on alcohol, having been binge drinking in a nearby motel since he left.
2. Anne freaks-out, spends the day calling drug hotlines and rehab centres, and waits for Megan to come home from school. When she does, Anne can barely control her emotions and chastises Megan for her dishonesty, for ruining her own life, and for bringing an illegal substance into the home. Megan fires back and leaves, staying with her friends for several nights until they reconcile. Once her shock has subsided, Anne calms her angst and seeing her daughter needs help, arranges a drug councillor and decides to try and mask her emotions better to prevent Megan from running away again.
Megan slowly comes to terms with the fact she is a ‘drug addict’ and becomes more engaged with the counselling process, attending NA meetings and starting on a methadone program. Over the next five years, Megan consistently relapses within six months of every quit she achieves, and in spite of a newfound will to be a ‘normal person’ she can’t seem to break the cycle. Anne feels more and more hopeless about it, but she still tries to be as supportive of her daughter's recovery as she can be.
Is there anything inherently wrong here? Not really. People can only do what they know, and any display of care is helpful in some form or another (the absence of any interest may highlight worthlessness and make the addiction stronger). So if the above scenarios in any way describe your own dealings with these problems, understand the point isn’t to criticise you, rather to enhance your understanding for the sake of building a better approach.
Our comprehension and perception of ‘drug addiction’ is paramount to how we end-up dealing with it. As with anything in life, the way we conceptualise a ’thing’ or problem has a big effect on how we form behaviours around them. When it comes to drug addiction the default conceptualisation is something like this:
‘Taking drugs will make you a drug addict. To stop being a drug addict means to stop taking the drug. Once the addiction has been stopped and the surrounding mental problems have been balanced, life continues as per normal.’
This position on drugs is intuitive and rational to us, but unfortunately causes strategies that have little meaningful impact, let alone fix the problem.
Think about Johann Hari’s TED talk: the fact an addiction occurs means a person has weak bonds with a healthy reality, not just strong bonds with an unhealthy one. To tip the balance it’s vital that we have a shared conceptualisation closer to this:
‘A drug addict is a person who has bonded with a drug-effect more than they have with the activities of their normal life, as their normal life has less appeal than the effect of the drug. This might be the result of trauma, circumstance or a mental trait, but the point is, there is something inherently uncomfortable about them experiencing the world through an unfiltered lens.’
Perceiving addiction as a matter of the individual and not as a matter of the drug has a huge effect on how we deal with it. First of all, our default position becomes a sympathetic one; ‘their life must be a lot worse than mine for them to have a drinking problem...’
Keep in mind that a person’s quality of life can be very separate from social class, career and upbringing. Stronger causal factors like personality and anxiety disorders can arise in anyone regardless of their background, and often do.
Second of all, it changes our attitude and focus from being ‘getting rid of the drug’ to ‘building a stronger bond with a healthy life’.
The benefit of this attitude shift to both the drug addict and those around them cannot be understated.
3. Be proactive in your support, not reactive in your disappointment.
Pursuant to the previous point, the way we conceptualise addiction has everything to do with how we treat it, in this case manifesting as proactive rather than reactive behaviour. Take Megan’s mother Anne, for example: she’s in shock, and reacts accordingly. She believes her daughter has been taken hold by an evil force and follows all the social norms for getting rid of it, sending her to any professional help she can afford. This is a classic and common example of reactive behaviour.
What Anne doesn’t realise, is that since she was 13, Megan has been cutting herself. At age 11 she had an experience where she was ridiculed and teased by her friends about her opinion of a new band, and was so embarrassed she began to be self-conscious of everything she said, leading her to start acting as a ‘different character’ as a buffer to a growing anxiety about herself around other people. As the years progress, her internal discordance worsens, and she begins to feel like an empty vessel, even an imposter. She’s barely able to acknowledge this internal change herself, let alone communicate it to anyone else. Just after her 16th birthday she’s taken to a college party by some friends, gets drunk and stoned, and ends up having sex with an older guy she meets. She didn’t necessarily ‘have’ a great time, but she recognises she was part of an experience she knows would be described that way. She feels too empty and fake to enjoy things directly, but is still magnetised by the attention of new people. She starts to attend these parties more frequently and at one of them, she’s introduced to heroine. She describes the feeling as being an orgasmic wave of euphoria throughout her body, a complete escape from her internal tensions, and a profound enhancement of her sensory experience. It’s the best feeling she’s ever had by a mile.
When the effects have worn off she feels stranger than usual. Being hungover was one thing, this felt cloudier and more unpleasant somehow. Not giving it too much thought, the feeling transpires after a few days and she goes back to her usual routine. The next weekend there’s another gathering with the same people, which she’s looking forward to it much more than she usually would. When the option presents itself, she uses again, enjoying another descent into euphoric oblivion.
The rest is history.
So what exactly is a proactive approach?
It’s identifying the cause of the addiction and doing whatever you can to counter it, with any help you can find. Blame, disappointment and enforcement simply do not work. Countering an addiction is about building the good parts of a person’s life; not simply taking away the bad. If an addict has depression, then 100% of your focus should be on helping them overcome depression, not 40% on depression and 60% on preventing them from self-medicating with drugs. If an addict is working a job beneath their potential, and they substitute the lack of personal accomplishment with weed and alcohol every night, then 100% of your focus should be on building their confidence to try a new career. If an addict's parent - you - doesn’t pay attention to the nuances of their behaviour and take an active interest in their growth, then 100% of your focus should be on reinventing your family dynamic to being more engaged and internally-supportive. A strong family bond is probably an addictions worst enemy.
It’s also about maintaining a sense of optimism and keeping a smile on your face, hard as that may be. An addict is suffering much more than a non-addict will ever begin to understand, and outside of strategised actions the best thing you can do is simply provide them with as much harmony as you can, as often as you can.
Being proactive is about providing addicts with a reality they enjoy and want to be a part of. If this can be achieved then the addiction will eventually subside, it’s as straight-forward as that.
The challenge then becomes a very different one. Drug addicts also fall victim to a psychological trait known as ‘learned helplessness’, which is something we all experience, only an addict does so to a highly debilitating level. Learned helplessness is an automatic compartmentalisation of social structures and systems, where invisible lines are imposed by our own minds. Take Jake for example. He works in a retail store and fancies himself a photographer, but never thinks to send his portfolio to an agency. In order for him to make the mental connection with that possibility, Jake literally needs to try it and have it yield a positive result.
As time progresses, the pattern of drug addiction is extremely contradictory to a regular lifestyle and can foster the feeling of helplessness like nothing else can. An addict hasn’t just bonded with a drug, they’ve also lessened their bonds with normal functions. They need you to empower them to feel self-reliant and capable. Keep a smile on your face and encourage good behaviour more than discouraging the bad. Taking them to the movies simply isn’t enough; you need to be upbeat and exemplify the notion of enjoying life’s basics. Telling an addict life’s good isn’t enough, you need to show them.
4. Freedom from addiction takes a long time and a lot of hard work.
Recommended reading: ‘The Brain That Changes Itself’ by Norman Doidge
Every habit that we have also has a physicality in the brain known as a ‘neural pathway’, which is a bit like a ski-path on a snowy mountain, where the skier represents the internal forces pushing us to behave in a specific way in response to a specific thing. The longer the path is skied on the more embedded it becomes. A ‘trigger’ is an event that activates a neural pathway of ‘having to escape’ or ‘I need that feeling right now’ and can take an infinite number of forms depending on the person.
It’s an inconvenient truth, but the reality is that reversing the neuroplastic effect of addiction and building healthier neural pathways can take years to achieve. How long beyond that depends on the person and how long they’ve used for, and to what extremity, but irrespective of those things you will need to be vigilant for much longer than will seem necessary. Most likely, for the rest of your life.
It needn’t be laborious, but the idea is that you need to blow whatever air into an addicts life-balloon as you can, as often as you can, for as long as you can. Prioritising their quality of life, including giving them all the healthy challenges, rewards and support possible, is what it’s all about. Infuse their life and your household with the energy of Ned Flanders, not the disorder of Nelson Muntz.
5. Within reason.
Changing our mindsets to being about proactivity and bond-building is logical and idealistic, but there still needs to be some clear boundaries. The last thing you want is to inadvertently tolerate or encourage them using. The points being discussed here aren’t suggesting you pull out a pipe at the dinner table in solidarity; they’re suggesting shifting your energy to more meaningful and beneficial counter measures. I.e. express dissatisfaction if they relapse but do not make that dissatisfaction a focus, or even more than a passing expression. Keep it flat and allow (or even guide) them to figure it out for themselves; which they will do a much better job of without any pressure.
A drug addiction attaches itself to a person’s consciousness like the face-suckers in Aliens, and will become very tenacious in getting what it wants. The majority of drug addicts have a higher-than-average level of intelligence, so when this happens they can become very good at manipulation. Be smart, seek your own support, and be vigilant. Helping a loved one get clean is a hard and arduous job, but it’s one of the most important and rewarding ones in the world. Be strong in maintaining your focus, and you’ll not only succeed, but grow infinitely as a person yourself.
Summary:
When helping someone build a better life for themselves, positive reinforcement works, negative reinforcement does not.
Drug addicts have a problem without the drug. If anything, drug addiction signals problems that may not have been found otherwise.
Find out what these problems are, and carefully strategise counter-measures against them, and be very open-minded in doing so. Seek professional guidance for this if necessary.
Do whatever you can in your power (or beyond) to provide love and harmony around them, as often and as much as is humanly possible.
Don’t tolerate or encourage use, but also be careful to never make it about you. They will choose a better life for themselves once their life-scale has been positively balanced. It takes a long time, but with focus and the right attitude, they will eventually find more appeal in activities like sports and photography than in using. Again, this will depend on the person and their circumstance.
If they’re a heavy long-term user then the problem likely runs very deep - not just the neuroplastic effect but the root cause - and they may need ongoing psychological support or medication. This changes nothing mentioned and is simply another form of causation, albeit one that you may have less direct interaction with. This is where professional aid is essential, be it in the form of a GP, drug councillor, psychologist or psychiatrist, or all of the above.
Be extremely patient and determined, it will never be as smooth or linear as you see in fiction. The bond with drugs can grow so strong that a person can seem perfectly rational, yet they will destroy their entire life and all relationships in it simply to relive a high. And this has nothing to do with ‘choice’ as it’s generally understood; it’s to do with presenting a more attractive reality than they were naturally predisposed to, and then a bond forming between themselves and that new reality that was greater than that of their real one.
If you truly care and want to help an addict get better, there should never be an article too long for you to read, or an educational speech too long for you to watch. You need to be engaged with learning about how to combat the problem constantly, and you need to mindful of it in all your interactions with them. Displaying any weakness of your own with substances would be a tragic mistake in a situation like this, for example. You need to role model a healthy and happy life as much as you do encourage them to live one of their own.
This is a work in progress and may be amended at a later stage. Either way, hope it helps!
The ideas and suggestions here come from research, professional guidance, observation, analysis and problem solving through personal experience. I'm not an expert or a medical professional, the intention here is to provide a semi-guide for strategy and support to save you the trouble of sifting through the hundreds of articles, speeches and forum posts out there.
Everything is theocratically applicable to any form of substance abuse, whether it be alcohol, oxycodone, cocaine or marijuana.
1. Everything you think you know about addiction is wrong.
[MUST WATCH] Johann Hari's TED Talk on addiction:
[YT Description] What really causes addiction — to everything from cocaine to smart-phones? And how can we overcome it? Johann Hari has seen our current methods fail firsthand, as he has watched loved ones struggle to manage their addictions. He started to wonder why we treat addicts the way we do — and if there might be a better way. As he shares in this deeply personal talk, his questions took him around the world, and unearthed some surprising and hopeful ways of thinking about an age-old problem.
Key points and additional thoughts:
Substance abuse isn't a matter of falling victim to an uncontrollable force, it's a matter of forming a bond with a drug effect that's stronger than the bond with reality. From the perspective of an addict the force can feel uncontrollable, but the cause for this compulsion is inherent in the person, not in the drug. That 95% of heroine-aided troops felt no persisting desire or withdrawal on their return home is infallible evidence of this.
Forming 'bonds' is an essential part of being human. It's what makes us want to do the things that we do in life. Though not mentioned in the speech, the glue to bonding with healthy accomplishment and day-to-day life activities is our brain's reward system, with the primary agent being dopamine.
Over time, the bonding process strengthens through the formation of new neural pathways in the brain that dictate habitual behaviour surrounding the substance. The longer a person uses a drug, the harder it is for them to stop.
2. It's about building a good life, not eradicating a bad one.
Scenario 1:
Sam is a 36 year old lower middle-class tradesman with a young family; a wife, Sally, and two children. He has a decent paying job, a developed skill-set and is known for his sense of humour. Over a period of five years Sam gradually starts to drink mid-strength beer throughout his working day, which may have begun with an occasional lunchtime drink but no-one's really sure. As his consumption increases, Sam's behaviour becomes more erratic and occasionally he displays an aggression his wife had never seen in anyone before, let alone her husband. Being assertive but afraid of confrontation, Sally is in no denial of the fact he has a serious drinking problem and that a pattern of destructiveness has begun. After several months of escalating violence and psychological abuse, Sally finally decides to tell Sam's parents about his condition.
Scenario 2:
Megan is a 17 year old student from a modest family background with three other siblings. Her mother has remarried, and she sees her father every second weekend or for longer periods when working at the nearby cafeteria in the summer. She's smart, thoughtful and a typically well-graded student through most of her high school. In the past 18 months her grades have dived to a C average, and she's become increasingly withdrawn in her demeanour. Her mother, Anne, is extremely worried and recognises the addiction pattern from a similar experience she had growing up with her own brother. When Megan's at school one day, Anne decides to search her room, and to her unsurprised horror finds evidence of opiate or amphetamine use; a neatly organised kit containing a syringe, pill-crusher, band, spoon & lighter.
Question: If you were the parents of these individuals, how would you approach them, and what would you do to repair their situations?
Here’s what usually happens:
1. Sam’s parents freak-out, eventually stage an intervention with his wife and best friend, and try to get Sam to recognise he needs professional help. They can’t afford to send him to rehab, but they hope professional guidance and AA will be enough to make a meaningful difference. Sam strongly denies he has a problem for the first few weeks, but when his shifts are dramatically cut due to poor performance, he finally agrees to see a councillor. On their advice he enters into AA and the 12-step program, and begins to verbalise the fact of his sobriety to his wife and friends.
Three months later, while watching late-night TV, Sam and Sally have a small argument over a program that escalates into a large one about commitment, and Sam disappears for the night. Sally doesn’t hear from him for two whole days, and is close to calling the police when he shows up completely inebriated on alcohol, having been binge drinking in a nearby motel since he left.
2. Anne freaks-out, spends the day calling drug hotlines and rehab centres, and waits for Megan to come home from school. When she does, Anne can barely control her emotions and chastises Megan for her dishonesty, for ruining her own life, and for bringing an illegal substance into the home. Megan fires back and leaves, staying with her friends for several nights until they reconcile. Once her shock has subsided, Anne calms her angst and seeing her daughter needs help, arranges a drug councillor and decides to try and mask her emotions better to prevent Megan from running away again.
Megan slowly comes to terms with the fact she is a ‘drug addict’ and becomes more engaged with the counselling process, attending NA meetings and starting on a methadone program. Over the next five years, Megan consistently relapses within six months of every quit she achieves, and in spite of a newfound will to be a ‘normal person’ she can’t seem to break the cycle. Anne feels more and more hopeless about it, but she still tries to be as supportive of her daughter's recovery as she can be.
Is there anything inherently wrong here? Not really. People can only do what they know, and any display of care is helpful in some form or another (the absence of any interest may highlight worthlessness and make the addiction stronger). So if the above scenarios in any way describe your own dealings with these problems, understand the point isn’t to criticise you, rather to enhance your understanding for the sake of building a better approach.
Our comprehension and perception of ‘drug addiction’ is paramount to how we end-up dealing with it. As with anything in life, the way we conceptualise a ’thing’ or problem has a big effect on how we form behaviours around them. When it comes to drug addiction the default conceptualisation is something like this:
‘Taking drugs will make you a drug addict. To stop being a drug addict means to stop taking the drug. Once the addiction has been stopped and the surrounding mental problems have been balanced, life continues as per normal.’
This position on drugs is intuitive and rational to us, but unfortunately causes strategies that have little meaningful impact, let alone fix the problem.
Think about Johann Hari’s TED talk: the fact an addiction occurs means a person has weak bonds with a healthy reality, not just strong bonds with an unhealthy one. To tip the balance it’s vital that we have a shared conceptualisation closer to this:
‘A drug addict is a person who has bonded with a drug-effect more than they have with the activities of their normal life, as their normal life has less appeal than the effect of the drug. This might be the result of trauma, circumstance or a mental trait, but the point is, there is something inherently uncomfortable about them experiencing the world through an unfiltered lens.’
Perceiving addiction as a matter of the individual and not as a matter of the drug has a huge effect on how we deal with it. First of all, our default position becomes a sympathetic one; ‘their life must be a lot worse than mine for them to have a drinking problem...’
Keep in mind that a person’s quality of life can be very separate from social class, career and upbringing. Stronger causal factors like personality and anxiety disorders can arise in anyone regardless of their background, and often do.
Second of all, it changes our attitude and focus from being ‘getting rid of the drug’ to ‘building a stronger bond with a healthy life’.
The benefit of this attitude shift to both the drug addict and those around them cannot be understated.
3. Be proactive in your support, not reactive in your disappointment.
Pursuant to the previous point, the way we conceptualise addiction has everything to do with how we treat it, in this case manifesting as proactive rather than reactive behaviour. Take Megan’s mother Anne, for example: she’s in shock, and reacts accordingly. She believes her daughter has been taken hold by an evil force and follows all the social norms for getting rid of it, sending her to any professional help she can afford. This is a classic and common example of reactive behaviour.
What Anne doesn’t realise, is that since she was 13, Megan has been cutting herself. At age 11 she had an experience where she was ridiculed and teased by her friends about her opinion of a new band, and was so embarrassed she began to be self-conscious of everything she said, leading her to start acting as a ‘different character’ as a buffer to a growing anxiety about herself around other people. As the years progress, her internal discordance worsens, and she begins to feel like an empty vessel, even an imposter. She’s barely able to acknowledge this internal change herself, let alone communicate it to anyone else. Just after her 16th birthday she’s taken to a college party by some friends, gets drunk and stoned, and ends up having sex with an older guy she meets. She didn’t necessarily ‘have’ a great time, but she recognises she was part of an experience she knows would be described that way. She feels too empty and fake to enjoy things directly, but is still magnetised by the attention of new people. She starts to attend these parties more frequently and at one of them, she’s introduced to heroine. She describes the feeling as being an orgasmic wave of euphoria throughout her body, a complete escape from her internal tensions, and a profound enhancement of her sensory experience. It’s the best feeling she’s ever had by a mile.
When the effects have worn off she feels stranger than usual. Being hungover was one thing, this felt cloudier and more unpleasant somehow. Not giving it too much thought, the feeling transpires after a few days and she goes back to her usual routine. The next weekend there’s another gathering with the same people, which she’s looking forward to it much more than she usually would. When the option presents itself, she uses again, enjoying another descent into euphoric oblivion.
The rest is history.
So what exactly is a proactive approach?
It’s identifying the cause of the addiction and doing whatever you can to counter it, with any help you can find. Blame, disappointment and enforcement simply do not work. Countering an addiction is about building the good parts of a person’s life; not simply taking away the bad. If an addict has depression, then 100% of your focus should be on helping them overcome depression, not 40% on depression and 60% on preventing them from self-medicating with drugs. If an addict is working a job beneath their potential, and they substitute the lack of personal accomplishment with weed and alcohol every night, then 100% of your focus should be on building their confidence to try a new career. If an addict's parent - you - doesn’t pay attention to the nuances of their behaviour and take an active interest in their growth, then 100% of your focus should be on reinventing your family dynamic to being more engaged and internally-supportive. A strong family bond is probably an addictions worst enemy.
It’s also about maintaining a sense of optimism and keeping a smile on your face, hard as that may be. An addict is suffering much more than a non-addict will ever begin to understand, and outside of strategised actions the best thing you can do is simply provide them with as much harmony as you can, as often as you can.
Being proactive is about providing addicts with a reality they enjoy and want to be a part of. If this can be achieved then the addiction will eventually subside, it’s as straight-forward as that.
The challenge then becomes a very different one. Drug addicts also fall victim to a psychological trait known as ‘learned helplessness’, which is something we all experience, only an addict does so to a highly debilitating level. Learned helplessness is an automatic compartmentalisation of social structures and systems, where invisible lines are imposed by our own minds. Take Jake for example. He works in a retail store and fancies himself a photographer, but never thinks to send his portfolio to an agency. In order for him to make the mental connection with that possibility, Jake literally needs to try it and have it yield a positive result.
As time progresses, the pattern of drug addiction is extremely contradictory to a regular lifestyle and can foster the feeling of helplessness like nothing else can. An addict hasn’t just bonded with a drug, they’ve also lessened their bonds with normal functions. They need you to empower them to feel self-reliant and capable. Keep a smile on your face and encourage good behaviour more than discouraging the bad. Taking them to the movies simply isn’t enough; you need to be upbeat and exemplify the notion of enjoying life’s basics. Telling an addict life’s good isn’t enough, you need to show them.
4. Freedom from addiction takes a long time and a lot of hard work.
Recommended reading: ‘The Brain That Changes Itself’ by Norman Doidge
Every habit that we have also has a physicality in the brain known as a ‘neural pathway’, which is a bit like a ski-path on a snowy mountain, where the skier represents the internal forces pushing us to behave in a specific way in response to a specific thing. The longer the path is skied on the more embedded it becomes. A ‘trigger’ is an event that activates a neural pathway of ‘having to escape’ or ‘I need that feeling right now’ and can take an infinite number of forms depending on the person.
It’s an inconvenient truth, but the reality is that reversing the neuroplastic effect of addiction and building healthier neural pathways can take years to achieve. How long beyond that depends on the person and how long they’ve used for, and to what extremity, but irrespective of those things you will need to be vigilant for much longer than will seem necessary. Most likely, for the rest of your life.
It needn’t be laborious, but the idea is that you need to blow whatever air into an addicts life-balloon as you can, as often as you can, for as long as you can. Prioritising their quality of life, including giving them all the healthy challenges, rewards and support possible, is what it’s all about. Infuse their life and your household with the energy of Ned Flanders, not the disorder of Nelson Muntz.
5. Within reason.
Changing our mindsets to being about proactivity and bond-building is logical and idealistic, but there still needs to be some clear boundaries. The last thing you want is to inadvertently tolerate or encourage them using. The points being discussed here aren’t suggesting you pull out a pipe at the dinner table in solidarity; they’re suggesting shifting your energy to more meaningful and beneficial counter measures. I.e. express dissatisfaction if they relapse but do not make that dissatisfaction a focus, or even more than a passing expression. Keep it flat and allow (or even guide) them to figure it out for themselves; which they will do a much better job of without any pressure.
A drug addiction attaches itself to a person’s consciousness like the face-suckers in Aliens, and will become very tenacious in getting what it wants. The majority of drug addicts have a higher-than-average level of intelligence, so when this happens they can become very good at manipulation. Be smart, seek your own support, and be vigilant. Helping a loved one get clean is a hard and arduous job, but it’s one of the most important and rewarding ones in the world. Be strong in maintaining your focus, and you’ll not only succeed, but grow infinitely as a person yourself.
Summary:
When helping someone build a better life for themselves, positive reinforcement works, negative reinforcement does not.
Drug addicts have a problem without the drug. If anything, drug addiction signals problems that may not have been found otherwise.
Find out what these problems are, and carefully strategise counter-measures against them, and be very open-minded in doing so. Seek professional guidance for this if necessary.
Do whatever you can in your power (or beyond) to provide love and harmony around them, as often and as much as is humanly possible.
Don’t tolerate or encourage use, but also be careful to never make it about you. They will choose a better life for themselves once their life-scale has been positively balanced. It takes a long time, but with focus and the right attitude, they will eventually find more appeal in activities like sports and photography than in using. Again, this will depend on the person and their circumstance.
If they’re a heavy long-term user then the problem likely runs very deep - not just the neuroplastic effect but the root cause - and they may need ongoing psychological support or medication. This changes nothing mentioned and is simply another form of causation, albeit one that you may have less direct interaction with. This is where professional aid is essential, be it in the form of a GP, drug councillor, psychologist or psychiatrist, or all of the above.
Be extremely patient and determined, it will never be as smooth or linear as you see in fiction. The bond with drugs can grow so strong that a person can seem perfectly rational, yet they will destroy their entire life and all relationships in it simply to relive a high. And this has nothing to do with ‘choice’ as it’s generally understood; it’s to do with presenting a more attractive reality than they were naturally predisposed to, and then a bond forming between themselves and that new reality that was greater than that of their real one.
If you truly care and want to help an addict get better, there should never be an article too long for you to read, or an educational speech too long for you to watch. You need to be engaged with learning about how to combat the problem constantly, and you need to mindful of it in all your interactions with them. Displaying any weakness of your own with substances would be a tragic mistake in a situation like this, for example. You need to role model a healthy and happy life as much as you do encourage them to live one of their own.
This is a work in progress and may be amended at a later stage. Either way, hope it helps!
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heroine-aided
Heroin the drug doesn't have an "e" at the end. "Heroine-aided" makes it sound like Wonder Woman was helping them.
If an addict has depression, then 100% of your focus should be on helping them overcome depression, not 40% on depression and 60% on preventing them from self-medicating with drugs.
Ok, so my ex has brain injuries (plural from IED blasts) and PTSD. He is also an alcoholic. Because he never acknowledged his alcoholism, the VA put 100% of their effort into treating the other conditions, to no avail, because he was drinking at alcoholic levels and therefore negating the effects of all of his treatment and medication.
It's a nice idea, but not really workable because other underlying conditions often can't even be diagnosed until the individual has some clean time under their belt.
It’s also about maintaining a sense of optimism and keeping a smile on your face, hard as that may be. An addict is suffering much more than a non-addict will ever begin to understand, and outside of strategised actions the best thing you can do is simply provide them with as much harmony as you can, as often as you can.
I did this for a long time. It's called walking on eggshells. My job is not to provide an adult with "harmony" while they cut a swath of destruction through the family.
Do whatever you can in your power (or beyond) to provide love and harmony around them, as often and as much as is humanly possible.
How can I do something that is beyond my power? How can anyone?
Don’t tolerate or encourage use, but also be careful to never make it about you.
This is good. One of my big mistakes was to take his alcoholism and the resulting behavior personally.
If you truly care and want to help an addict get better, there should never be an article too long for you to read, or an educational speech too long for you to watch. You need to be engaged with learning about how to combat the problem constantly, and you need to mindful of it in all your interactions with them.
This sounds like more walking on eggshells. And I object to the manipulative language "If you truly care and want the addict to get better..." Really? No one comes to a forum like this looking for ways to make their addict or alcoholic use and drink more.
I'm not trying to be mean, but you asked for honest input.
This type of advice might go over better in the Secular Connections forum.
Heroin the drug doesn't have an "e" at the end. "Heroine-aided" makes it sound like Wonder Woman was helping them.
If an addict has depression, then 100% of your focus should be on helping them overcome depression, not 40% on depression and 60% on preventing them from self-medicating with drugs.
Ok, so my ex has brain injuries (plural from IED blasts) and PTSD. He is also an alcoholic. Because he never acknowledged his alcoholism, the VA put 100% of their effort into treating the other conditions, to no avail, because he was drinking at alcoholic levels and therefore negating the effects of all of his treatment and medication.
It's a nice idea, but not really workable because other underlying conditions often can't even be diagnosed until the individual has some clean time under their belt.
It’s also about maintaining a sense of optimism and keeping a smile on your face, hard as that may be. An addict is suffering much more than a non-addict will ever begin to understand, and outside of strategised actions the best thing you can do is simply provide them with as much harmony as you can, as often as you can.
I did this for a long time. It's called walking on eggshells. My job is not to provide an adult with "harmony" while they cut a swath of destruction through the family.
Do whatever you can in your power (or beyond) to provide love and harmony around them, as often and as much as is humanly possible.
How can I do something that is beyond my power? How can anyone?
Don’t tolerate or encourage use, but also be careful to never make it about you.
This is good. One of my big mistakes was to take his alcoholism and the resulting behavior personally.
If you truly care and want to help an addict get better, there should never be an article too long for you to read, or an educational speech too long for you to watch. You need to be engaged with learning about how to combat the problem constantly, and you need to mindful of it in all your interactions with them.
This sounds like more walking on eggshells. And I object to the manipulative language "If you truly care and want the addict to get better..." Really? No one comes to a forum like this looking for ways to make their addict or alcoholic use and drink more.
I'm not trying to be mean, but you asked for honest input.
This type of advice might go over better in the Secular Connections forum.
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Pointing out typographical errors and attaching a literal meaning to terms such as 'and beyond' suggests a bit of a misalignment, but to answer a few points:
This is a huge topic and as such, a lot is implied rather than specified, and clearly your situation is heavily affected by the 'within reason' consideration.
I'm not providing answers, only talking or thinking points. If an addict is destructive and has no self-awareness then obviously many of the things I've discussed won't apply yet; the addict needs to at least come part of the way themselves.
That may not happen for everyone, but if it does, focusing on building a positive relationship with a healthy lifestyle is the next step to think about taking.
This is a huge topic and as such, a lot is implied rather than specified, and clearly your situation is heavily affected by the 'within reason' consideration.
I'm not providing answers, only talking or thinking points. If an addict is destructive and has no self-awareness then obviously many of the things I've discussed won't apply yet; the addict needs to at least come part of the way themselves.
That may not happen for everyone, but if it does, focusing on building a positive relationship with a healthy lifestyle is the next step to think about taking.
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I do not trust the messenger. This author is a plagiarist with a pretty sordid past. He has a nasty nasty habit of messing with quotes to dramatize or emphasize the point of his journalism.
His Huffington Post article on his book has been discussed here previously. His article ends with him wiping the brow of his partner. Oh boy, so we are supposed to stay home and lovingly care for our addicts like Florence Nightingale? Oh honey, let me run out to your dealer and get you set up with what you need for the day...
Loving on and surrounding an addict with support hasn't really worked for the bulk of us on F&F. Most of us who wind up here have already tried that route and only watched the addict just keep Putting their addiction first.
Johann Hari Is Still Lying To You ? JEREMY DUNS
His Huffington Post article on his book has been discussed here previously. His article ends with him wiping the brow of his partner. Oh boy, so we are supposed to stay home and lovingly care for our addicts like Florence Nightingale? Oh honey, let me run out to your dealer and get you set up with what you need for the day...
Loving on and surrounding an addict with support hasn't really worked for the bulk of us on F&F. Most of us who wind up here have already tried that route and only watched the addict just keep Putting their addiction first.
Johann Hari Is Still Lying To You ? JEREMY DUNS
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Originally Posted by CodeJob 
Loving on and surrounding an addict with support hasn't really worked for the bulk of us on F&F. Most of us who wind up here have already tried that route and only watched the addict just keep Putting their addiction first.
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Based on the response so far I'd say a major amendment is needed.
Johann Hari's talk (haven't read the article) forms the background to the points being discussed, and is where the term 'bond' is taken from, but these points are supported by research and experience - by me - not by him. What I've written is mostly based on the experience of trial and error, and common sense through observation. As stated, the thread is a work in progress (didn't realise edits weren't allowed after 15 minutes), but all the same, I believe there are answers to these objections already:
No-one has suggested it's just about high-fives and smiles. There are differing degrees of addiction and mental unrest, and the you should only try these things within reason.
The fact that some (or many) here have dealt with a violent alcoholic or aggressively persistent user takes nothing away from the potential benefit of these points. That some feel it necessary to discredit the experience of other people, simply because a method doesn't apply to their situation, is very frustrating. Who are you helping?
But then again, I haven't really been sensitive to people in situations where this method doesn't apply, have I? That's where the amendment is needed. A section needs to be added to expand on the 'within reason' part, to make it more focused on the interests of the person offering the support. The whole OP is biased towards the needs of the addict rather than the needs of the family member or friend, and I am sorry for that - I'll have it added in the next day or two.
This is extremely important I think, not just for a better context to the points being discussed, but because a big part of people dealing with addicts visiting a forum like this is finding emotional support themselves. This is a different kind of thread, but it needs to be more considerate of scenarios where the method has proven less than helpful.
Many (if not most) people who see threads on this forum aren't long-term members dealing with with high-risk crisis; they're guests who've found specific links from google searches who don't even join. Self-awareness of the addict is the assumed first step before the points here begin to make sense. There are plenty of addicts out there who want to break the cycle but can't. If you're dealing with someone who doesn't want to take the first step, I'm very sorry for your situation, but that doesn't mean there aren't others who have it differently.
The OP ended up as long as it did because the points required some justification. If you want to discuss the individual or cumulative benefits (or lack thereof) specifically, I am more than happy to do so.
Although it's a long post, nothing has been elaborated to the point of giving direct instruction, and for good reason. It's intended to give you some things to consider from the perspective of someone who has experienced helpful and unhelpful support personally, and if the logic applies to your circumstance, to look into it further. For example: it's heavily suggested that you modulate the 'positiveness' of your support relative to the user. That alone renders these objections a bit objectionable. But that's the nature of emotional issues and overlong posts I suppose; it should have been stated more clearly.
Johann Hari's talk (haven't read the article) forms the background to the points being discussed, and is where the term 'bond' is taken from, but these points are supported by research and experience - by me - not by him. What I've written is mostly based on the experience of trial and error, and common sense through observation. As stated, the thread is a work in progress (didn't realise edits weren't allowed after 15 minutes), but all the same, I believe there are answers to these objections already:
No-one has suggested it's just about high-fives and smiles. There are differing degrees of addiction and mental unrest, and the you should only try these things within reason.
The fact that some (or many) here have dealt with a violent alcoholic or aggressively persistent user takes nothing away from the potential benefit of these points. That some feel it necessary to discredit the experience of other people, simply because a method doesn't apply to their situation, is very frustrating. Who are you helping?
But then again, I haven't really been sensitive to people in situations where this method doesn't apply, have I? That's where the amendment is needed. A section needs to be added to expand on the 'within reason' part, to make it more focused on the interests of the person offering the support. The whole OP is biased towards the needs of the addict rather than the needs of the family member or friend, and I am sorry for that - I'll have it added in the next day or two.
This is extremely important I think, not just for a better context to the points being discussed, but because a big part of people dealing with addicts visiting a forum like this is finding emotional support themselves. This is a different kind of thread, but it needs to be more considerate of scenarios where the method has proven less than helpful.
Many (if not most) people who see threads on this forum aren't long-term members dealing with with high-risk crisis; they're guests who've found specific links from google searches who don't even join. Self-awareness of the addict is the assumed first step before the points here begin to make sense. There are plenty of addicts out there who want to break the cycle but can't. If you're dealing with someone who doesn't want to take the first step, I'm very sorry for your situation, but that doesn't mean there aren't others who have it differently.
The OP ended up as long as it did because the points required some justification. If you want to discuss the individual or cumulative benefits (or lack thereof) specifically, I am more than happy to do so.
Although it's a long post, nothing has been elaborated to the point of giving direct instruction, and for good reason. It's intended to give you some things to consider from the perspective of someone who has experienced helpful and unhelpful support personally, and if the logic applies to your circumstance, to look into it further. For example: it's heavily suggested that you modulate the 'positiveness' of your support relative to the user. That alone renders these objections a bit objectionable. But that's the nature of emotional issues and overlong posts I suppose; it should have been stated more clearly.
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I tried every single thing within my power for my X to even just decrease the amount of his drinking and using. HA. It was rewards, kindness, and as said above, ended up with me walking on eggshells. We have divorced and he has moved on to someone who will accept his using and the bad behavior that goes with it.
What no one talks about in this wonderful article is how it all affects the families. It nearly drove me to a nervous breakdown, and my children, who are 9 and 15, have been in counseling for years. They are diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, and depression resulting from the bad behaviors their father still continues with to this day.
So for myself, the focus had to shift. It needs to be put on the children first and foremost. What do they need to stay happy and healthy? Then I had to put myself up there. I am the primary caretaker of my children. Always have been, always will be. My mother took me to the doctor one day and said, "help her, she is going to end up in a mental ward over all of this." And she was right.
I got a psychiatrist who specializes in helping families who battle addiction. He helped me come to a point that no matter what would happen I knew I could handle it and be ok and be there for my children. And as the drinking and addictions progressed, as they always do, I did what I had to do. I kicked the addict out of my house, and I help my children be the best they can be. And I get them the treatment they need to break the chain and not carry this into their adult lives, by the grace of God.
If one is to do what this article says, you better not have kids, you better not have a job, and you better have zero expectations from the addict.
Just my .02
What no one talks about in this wonderful article is how it all affects the families. It nearly drove me to a nervous breakdown, and my children, who are 9 and 15, have been in counseling for years. They are diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, and depression resulting from the bad behaviors their father still continues with to this day.
So for myself, the focus had to shift. It needs to be put on the children first and foremost. What do they need to stay happy and healthy? Then I had to put myself up there. I am the primary caretaker of my children. Always have been, always will be. My mother took me to the doctor one day and said, "help her, she is going to end up in a mental ward over all of this." And she was right.
I got a psychiatrist who specializes in helping families who battle addiction. He helped me come to a point that no matter what would happen I knew I could handle it and be ok and be there for my children. And as the drinking and addictions progressed, as they always do, I did what I had to do. I kicked the addict out of my house, and I help my children be the best they can be. And I get them the treatment they need to break the chain and not carry this into their adult lives, by the grace of God.
If one is to do what this article says, you better not have kids, you better not have a job, and you better have zero expectations from the addict.
Just my .02
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Thanks for sharing, I'm really sorry to hear you and your family had to endure that. My own father was (and still is) a speed junkie while I was growing up, and I can strongly relate to your story. Me and my sister haven't contacted him in the past two years, and we have both attempted suicide in the past 18 months, and now require medication for depression. He 's unemployable and living on benefits, has destroyed all meaningful relationships in his life, and yet still refuses to admit he has a drug problem.
I am more than aware that a naive approach of positive reinforcement will not work for some situations.
However, that doesn't mean that changing your own perceptions won't help you build a better approach, and more importantly, allow you to analysis the problem more clearly.
The fact is, some addictions are more heavily ingrained in some people than others, and it can be so strong that a conversation can't even be had, let alone a meaningful strategy. That's the harsh nature of life; if someone is unwilling to recognise a problem and help themselves out of it, there's not a lot you can do.
At that point the type of support should really be entirely for you, not for the addict. They may not be able to make the choice to quit, but they can take the leap to recognise they have an issue. If they can't, then forget all of this methodology; do whatever you need to to be safe and happy.
I am more than aware that a naive approach of positive reinforcement will not work for some situations.
However, that doesn't mean that changing your own perceptions won't help you build a better approach, and more importantly, allow you to analysis the problem more clearly.
The fact is, some addictions are more heavily ingrained in some people than others, and it can be so strong that a conversation can't even be had, let alone a meaningful strategy. That's the harsh nature of life; if someone is unwilling to recognise a problem and help themselves out of it, there's not a lot you can do.
At that point the type of support should really be entirely for you, not for the addict. They may not be able to make the choice to quit, but they can take the leap to recognise they have an issue. If they can't, then forget all of this methodology; do whatever you need to to be safe and happy.
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I absolutely agree. If they are actively trying to help themselves we can absolutely support them in some very positive ways. However, the biggest problem of addiction is denial that the problem exists in the first place. And many times the addiction is just self medication for other mental issues that exists, which is another issue entirely. Layer upon layer.
My X has other issues and the drinking started as self medication. Mix it with drugs he truly needs to take for other issues and it becomes a toxic combination for sure.
It was only when I knew 100% for certain that it would never change that I actually divorced him. I stayed way too long in the hopes of change. That was my decision. And that's OK. Everyone has to decide these things for themselves.
I am very sorry for what you have been through. It's absolutely tragic to watch those you love go down the road to ruin from addiction.
Two nights ago my friend's husband, who she was in the process of divorcing, and had a restraining order from, committed suicide after sneaking into the home while she was not there. In her bed. They have three very small children. It's absolutely tragic. Addiction robs mind and lives.
My X has other issues and the drinking started as self medication. Mix it with drugs he truly needs to take for other issues and it becomes a toxic combination for sure.
It was only when I knew 100% for certain that it would never change that I actually divorced him. I stayed way too long in the hopes of change. That was my decision. And that's OK. Everyone has to decide these things for themselves.
I am very sorry for what you have been through. It's absolutely tragic to watch those you love go down the road to ruin from addiction.
Two nights ago my friend's husband, who she was in the process of divorcing, and had a restraining order from, committed suicide after sneaking into the home while she was not there. In her bed. They have three very small children. It's absolutely tragic. Addiction robs mind and lives.
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It does rob mind and lives. But it doesn't always finish the job, and often - especially in early phases - a person can be rescued from it. I'm not quite there personally but I've seen numerous examples of success, and in every case, the person has simultaneously built a stronger connection with another aspect of their lives.
I know in my situation, had the people supporting me known the above, I would have begun a meaningful recovery a lot sooner.
I know in my situation, had the people supporting me known the above, I would have begun a meaningful recovery a lot sooner.
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While I agree that forming connections & bonds is probably a critical need for healing, I also realize that it takes BOTH parties involved for that to occur. I also believe that it changes considerably when it is a parent-child relationship, IMO that is the most challenging dynamic with the blurriest lines & hardest boundaries.
Regardless of the type of relationship, I cannot force someone to accept my outstretched hand - they have to want help. I cannot force someone to even see their disease, never mind desire change or meet my efforts at encouraging them to seek change. And who am I to "know" what is best for another person?
It is not up to me to determine someone else's path, no matter how much it hurts to watch them destroy themselves. It IS up to me to care for myself enough to move out of the line of fire, and especially to put the kids first like hopeful said.
I'm not a nurse/doc/have no medical training.
I'm not a therapist.
I'm not a counselor.
I have no expertise about addiction.
I am not a priest/rabbi/pastor/clergyman.
Love isn't a special super power that allows me to de-code the insidiousness of addiction.
I AM human. I have many flaws, I mishandle situations & struggle with my own labels, emotional scars & shortcomings.
So at what point am *I* supposed to know more or better or be able to see things more clearly than the person experiencing it themselves? Where is the textbook that explains all the "behaviors" that have zero to do with actual drinking so that I can draw line between the points showing that they are related?
How am *I* ~the one not privy to the info hiding under the lies & the one getting fooled & lost in the smoke & mirrors for sometimes months or years at a time~ supposed to be the one to know the right thing to do & the right time to do it & the right words to use?
How am *I* ~the one still managing the literal chaos~ supposed to have an unlimited well of patience & compassion to draw from so that I can manage life for both of us until "you" decide to start trying?
And where is the yardstick I should use to measure this process? The one that tells me "You've tried everything possible/time to stop" or "keep trying, the addict is willing but not ready to hear", etc? How do *I* know when to say when?
And most importantly, how is any of that MY responsibility? How can I fall down on a job I didn't sign up for & wasn't even aware of?
I recently read about a study done on rats where the subjects showed a huge reduction in addiction once "connection" or bonding was introduced & encouraged. I do believe it was an astonishing figure, like 80%+ spurned addiction in favor of those connections instead.
Problem is, we aren't rats. As humans our psychological grid is much more complex & our action/reaction behavior starts to become ingrained from before we ever draw our first breath. Our responses are rarely changed as easily as our environments. In fact, it seems like rejecting change without consideration has become our "default" setting.
Yes, some people will respond to the pressures exerted on them by their loved ones - but not all, not most, because it has a helluva a lot more to do with what is going on internally than externally all around. It's just not as simple as showing "more" or "better" support.
Regardless of the type of relationship, I cannot force someone to accept my outstretched hand - they have to want help. I cannot force someone to even see their disease, never mind desire change or meet my efforts at encouraging them to seek change. And who am I to "know" what is best for another person?
It is not up to me to determine someone else's path, no matter how much it hurts to watch them destroy themselves. It IS up to me to care for myself enough to move out of the line of fire, and especially to put the kids first like hopeful said.
I'm not a nurse/doc/have no medical training.
I'm not a therapist.
I'm not a counselor.
I have no expertise about addiction.
I am not a priest/rabbi/pastor/clergyman.
Love isn't a special super power that allows me to de-code the insidiousness of addiction.
I AM human. I have many flaws, I mishandle situations & struggle with my own labels, emotional scars & shortcomings.
So at what point am *I* supposed to know more or better or be able to see things more clearly than the person experiencing it themselves? Where is the textbook that explains all the "behaviors" that have zero to do with actual drinking so that I can draw line between the points showing that they are related?
How am *I* ~the one not privy to the info hiding under the lies & the one getting fooled & lost in the smoke & mirrors for sometimes months or years at a time~ supposed to be the one to know the right thing to do & the right time to do it & the right words to use?
How am *I* ~the one still managing the literal chaos~ supposed to have an unlimited well of patience & compassion to draw from so that I can manage life for both of us until "you" decide to start trying?
And where is the yardstick I should use to measure this process? The one that tells me "You've tried everything possible/time to stop" or "keep trying, the addict is willing but not ready to hear", etc? How do *I* know when to say when?
And most importantly, how is any of that MY responsibility? How can I fall down on a job I didn't sign up for & wasn't even aware of?
I recently read about a study done on rats where the subjects showed a huge reduction in addiction once "connection" or bonding was introduced & encouraged. I do believe it was an astonishing figure, like 80%+ spurned addiction in favor of those connections instead.
Problem is, we aren't rats. As humans our psychological grid is much more complex & our action/reaction behavior starts to become ingrained from before we ever draw our first breath. Our responses are rarely changed as easily as our environments. In fact, it seems like rejecting change without consideration has become our "default" setting.
Yes, some people will respond to the pressures exerted on them by their loved ones - but not all, not most, because it has a helluva a lot more to do with what is going on internally than externally all around. It's just not as simple as showing "more" or "better" support.
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The fact that some (or many) here have dealt with a violent alcoholic or aggressively persistent user takes nothing away from the potential benefit of these points. That some feel it necessary to discredit the experience of other people, simply because a method doesn't apply to their situation, is very frustrating. Who are you helping?
I can only speak from my personal experience. I don't do that to discredit the experiences of others. I'm not sure such a thing is possible. Personal experience is just that.
There is an entire forum devoted to these methods you're describing, it focuses on things like CRAFT.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-families.html
This article was presented as a work in progress- hence the editing advice. I freely admit I'm a linguistic nitpicker, so take what you like and leave the rest.
You also titled it "Some Advice to Parents and Friends of Substance Abusers from a Drug Addict." That means desperate people are going to read it looking for answers. Especially after reading that "the intention here is to provide a semi-guide for strategy and support to save you the trouble of sifting through the hundreds of articles, speeches and forum posts out there."
Many, if not all, family members try numerous things to get their loved one sober. I think it's dangerous to give them the idea that they're not doing enough for the addict and that they just need to try harder, love them better or make their life more comfortable. You made some good points, but there's next to nothing about personal responsibility on the part of the addict or alcoholic.
Addiction isn't one size fits all, and I appreciate your input and desire to help. Insight from people in recovery is a big help to those of us on the friends and family side, but it's important to be careful how information is presented.
I would expect the same response if I wrote and posted an article on moderation in the alcoholism or addiction forums.
I can only speak from my personal experience. I don't do that to discredit the experiences of others. I'm not sure such a thing is possible. Personal experience is just that.
There is an entire forum devoted to these methods you're describing, it focuses on things like CRAFT.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-families.html
This article was presented as a work in progress- hence the editing advice. I freely admit I'm a linguistic nitpicker, so take what you like and leave the rest.
You also titled it "Some Advice to Parents and Friends of Substance Abusers from a Drug Addict." That means desperate people are going to read it looking for answers. Especially after reading that "the intention here is to provide a semi-guide for strategy and support to save you the trouble of sifting through the hundreds of articles, speeches and forum posts out there."
Many, if not all, family members try numerous things to get their loved one sober. I think it's dangerous to give them the idea that they're not doing enough for the addict and that they just need to try harder, love them better or make their life more comfortable. You made some good points, but there's next to nothing about personal responsibility on the part of the addict or alcoholic.
Addiction isn't one size fits all, and I appreciate your input and desire to help. Insight from people in recovery is a big help to those of us on the friends and family side, but it's important to be careful how information is presented.
I would expect the same response if I wrote and posted an article on moderation in the alcoholism or addiction forums.
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Having 15+ years in recovery from codependency, controlling and enabling, I wouldn't give addicts advice on how to get or stay sober because I don't have any personal experience...yet.
As the description of this forum states: ...Discuss coping tools, and learn basic recovery techniques for you, not the addict.
In other words, we have enough on our hands trying to fix, salvage, and/or save ourselves.
As the description of this forum states: ...Discuss coping tools, and learn basic recovery techniques for you, not the addict.
In other words, we have enough on our hands trying to fix, salvage, and/or save ourselves.
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
Many, if not all, family members try numerous things to get their loved one sober. I think it's dangerous to give them the idea that they're not doing enough for the addict and that they just need to try harder, love them better or make their life more comfortable. You made some good points, but there's next to nothing about personal responsibility on the part of the addict or alcoholic.
However, you're sounding more and more like a defeatist, and your tone is a inappropriately condescending towards me. I have lived these things as well, on both sides, for my entire life, and there has been more thought put into these points than you are giving credit. I apologise for my directness, but given the importance of this topic, I also have a degree of emotion about it. Speaking as someone who knows the above information to be extremely helpful for the vast majority of self-aware addicts out there, having people incorrectly marginalise and discredit it based on their own situation, is extremely frustrating.
All follow-up posts have addressed the OP needing an additional section to explain the distinction and to offer more support from the other perspective when a proactive method won't work. I'm passionate about this and am willing to discuss anything to make it better, but I'm getting the impression people are either skim-reading or not reading these posts at all. The OP has been referred to twice as being an article written by Hari, for example.
The idea that people simply need to "try harder, love them better or make their life more comfortable" is a gross misrepresentation of the points being discussed.
The fundamental point of this thread is shifting your perception about addiction to being matter of the person, not a matter of the drug. The outward changes from that belief adjustment will vary wildly depending on the situation, but in many situations - especially in teens and young adults - it will manifest as a more proactive, mindful and life-building approach. And that's damn helpful to people in those situations.
If anyone has read this thread thinking it means you should offer more harmony to a violent substance abuser, I've probably done the worst job of communicating in history. Or it's simply too long a post with too many non-direct messages for an internet forum. Either way, definitely a learning experience. I'll add some changes over the next day or two based on the response to make things clearer.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 68
Gamaur,
Thank You for posting this. Its timely for me. My boyfriend/fiance has been smoking weed for a long time to control anxiety because hes afraid of facing a doctor, asking for help and talking about pain from his childhood. I know its where all of it came from. But now hes been acting different, and Ive been told hes begun smoking heroin. Im not sure yet. I was angry over the weekend and all I kept thinking was how stupid he was, how he lied to me, how I hated him and there was no hope. But I took a few breaths and talked to a friend and she said f its true he needs help, but he can be ok, the life we live isnt a lie, hes emotionally sick and going down the wrong path.
I think you made a lot of good points, or the author did. I just watched the video and was reading at the news site. Im finding new ideas to look at now. I have to confront him as soon as I am ready. This is helping me get ready and maybe be better prepared to help him fight this.
Do you know of some other things I can read along these lines? Im new to all this, found links from this author I will check out more.
Thank You for posting this. Its timely for me. My boyfriend/fiance has been smoking weed for a long time to control anxiety because hes afraid of facing a doctor, asking for help and talking about pain from his childhood. I know its where all of it came from. But now hes been acting different, and Ive been told hes begun smoking heroin. Im not sure yet. I was angry over the weekend and all I kept thinking was how stupid he was, how he lied to me, how I hated him and there was no hope. But I took a few breaths and talked to a friend and she said f its true he needs help, but he can be ok, the life we live isnt a lie, hes emotionally sick and going down the wrong path.
I think you made a lot of good points, or the author did. I just watched the video and was reading at the news site. Im finding new ideas to look at now. I have to confront him as soon as I am ready. This is helping me get ready and maybe be better prepared to help him fight this.
Do you know of some other things I can read along these lines? Im new to all this, found links from this author I will check out more.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Gamaur
The fundamental point of this thread is shifting your perception about addiction to being matter of the person, not a matter of the drug.
Speaking as someone who knows the above information to be extremely helpful for the vast majority of self-aware addicts out their,
And from what authority can you say that you are "speaking as someone who knows" the information to be helpful for the "vast majority"? What do you base this point of view on? If you are speaking from an educated POV in relation to studies performed or years of clinical research or even years of working in the field of recovery I can put more weight to the words - if you are basing it SOLELY on YOUR personal experience, it's nothing more than that.... A singular experience. If it's based on science, link me to some studies/facts/findings that offer credibility.
It all reads like a lot of blameshifting & the "advice" is subject to interpretation & could be downright dangerous for people dealing with violence.
NONE of what you have written here takes even a tiny bit of the F&F POV into account, it is written ENTIRELY for & about the addict. It's arrogant, frankly, to be so dismissive of those many details that are required in order to see the whole picture.
If I'm reading your share correctly, it is up to ME to stay optimistic, prove to my addict that life is worth living by showing them (because it's not enough for them to just hear it), prioritize their life for them.... basically focus 100% of my attention on their needs whether they agree with that or not...... and create a reality that he/she wants to live in..... ????.... and this:
It needn’t be laborious, but the idea is that you need to blow whatever air into an addicts life-balloon as you can, as often as you can, for as long as you can. Prioritising their quality of life, including giving them all the healthy challenges, rewards and support possible, is what it’s all about.
I couldn't disagree with you more. Again, what is missing here is a true understanding of the F&F member - their challenges, their frustrations, their exhaustion.
*I* am not the solution just like *I* am not the problem.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 68
Gamauer,
This book was mentioned in there.
Recommended reading:*‘The Brain That Changes Itself’ by Norman Doidge
Hopeful4, I dont know what CRAFT is, do I look it up by this name online?
I dont know if I have time to read everything. what should I do? I want to get this out in the open as soon as I can, but like this article says there are different ways to approach it, and what if I screw it up and make it worse? but the longer I wait is bad, but going at it with no plan is bad too?
I dont feel like I can wing it .
This book was mentioned in there.
Recommended reading:*‘The Brain That Changes Itself’ by Norman Doidge
Hopeful4, I dont know what CRAFT is, do I look it up by this name online?
I dont know if I have time to read everything. what should I do? I want to get this out in the open as soon as I can, but like this article says there are different ways to approach it, and what if I screw it up and make it worse? but the longer I wait is bad, but going at it with no plan is bad too?
I dont feel like I can wing it .
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Jessica,
Here's a link to the F&F secular thread.
Secular Connections for Friends and Family - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Here's a link to the F&F secular thread.
Secular Connections for Friends and Family - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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