Detaching without guilt
Charlotte
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California
Posts: 6
Detaching without guilt
I am really struggling with detaching from my addicted sister.
A little about my family:
My mother and father were both drug abusers. They both used heroin and contracted hep c from shared needle use. After their heroin recovery they both struggled with drugs and alcohol. During my childhood, my dad was an alcoholic (sober for 17 years now). My mother was addicted to prescription drugs, meth and crack. She struggled with drugs her whole life. Eventually she got liver cancer and passed away when I was 24. Many other relatives have also died from drugs and alcohol.
A little about my sister:
My sister is addicted to drugs. I learned of this three years ago. She started to abuse opioid medications and then moved to snorting and smoking pills, snorting coke, trying meth and heroin. She has associated herself with drug dealers and started to prostitute. She's been in the hospital recently for Dacia abrasions, drug intoxication and not being able to wake up from drug combinations.
She refuses that she has a problem when confronted. My entire family has detached from her and I am the only one who still talks to her. She's very delusional when we talk, she lies constantly and seems to believe her own lies. I have tried many routes to try and get through to her based on my research, psychology background and information from alanon/naranon meetings. I have facilitated treatment programs for her and been denied. Nothing seems to work.
A little about my struggle:
What I am struggling with and seeking advice or support with is the guilt. I am very stressed from her lifestyle. She calls me telling me she has a black eye, or is in trouble and then I don't hear from her for several days. I have been prone to worrying due to growing up with addicted parents and constantly feeling like I could somehow control their sobriety. I know I can't, but I always hear my inner voice telling me there is more I can do. I have an autoimmune disease and stress exacerbates my symptoms. I have had several panic attacks and insomnia from the constant worry.
She is not who she used to be and I truly miss her. I want my sister back (especially because we do not have our mom here any longer) and have a hard time cutting her off, but living in this constant hell is wearing on me, my relationship and my heart.
Any advice or shared experience would be appreciated.
A little about my family:
My mother and father were both drug abusers. They both used heroin and contracted hep c from shared needle use. After their heroin recovery they both struggled with drugs and alcohol. During my childhood, my dad was an alcoholic (sober for 17 years now). My mother was addicted to prescription drugs, meth and crack. She struggled with drugs her whole life. Eventually she got liver cancer and passed away when I was 24. Many other relatives have also died from drugs and alcohol.
A little about my sister:
My sister is addicted to drugs. I learned of this three years ago. She started to abuse opioid medications and then moved to snorting and smoking pills, snorting coke, trying meth and heroin. She has associated herself with drug dealers and started to prostitute. She's been in the hospital recently for Dacia abrasions, drug intoxication and not being able to wake up from drug combinations.
She refuses that she has a problem when confronted. My entire family has detached from her and I am the only one who still talks to her. She's very delusional when we talk, she lies constantly and seems to believe her own lies. I have tried many routes to try and get through to her based on my research, psychology background and information from alanon/naranon meetings. I have facilitated treatment programs for her and been denied. Nothing seems to work.
A little about my struggle:
What I am struggling with and seeking advice or support with is the guilt. I am very stressed from her lifestyle. She calls me telling me she has a black eye, or is in trouble and then I don't hear from her for several days. I have been prone to worrying due to growing up with addicted parents and constantly feeling like I could somehow control their sobriety. I know I can't, but I always hear my inner voice telling me there is more I can do. I have an autoimmune disease and stress exacerbates my symptoms. I have had several panic attacks and insomnia from the constant worry.
She is not who she used to be and I truly miss her. I want my sister back (especially because we do not have our mom here any longer) and have a hard time cutting her off, but living in this constant hell is wearing on me, my relationship and my heart.
Any advice or shared experience would be appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
Hello Charlotte and welcome to the forum.
"What I am struggling with and seeking advice or support with is the guilt."
My 23 year old daughter is a heroin addict in good recovery, 18 months. She came to us and we found her a rehab in short order - thus far it has worked for her - that is her doing not ours.
As a parent, I had a lot of guilt also - what did I do wrong?, what did I not do?, how did I miss the signs?, etc. Fairly early on at a Nar-Anon meeting, I heard about the "Three C's" - namely: You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it.
I found that when I really accepted the Three C's as truth, my guilt went a way - it took a while but it worked for me.
"I have facilitated treatment programs for her and been denied. Nothing seems to work." I think that offering treatment / recovery is about all you can do - it does not work simply because your sister has not reached her personal bottom yet - hopefully, someday it will work, but nothing is going to happen for her until she is ready.
Meanwhile, love your addict and hate the disease.
Keep coming back.
Jim
"What I am struggling with and seeking advice or support with is the guilt."
My 23 year old daughter is a heroin addict in good recovery, 18 months. She came to us and we found her a rehab in short order - thus far it has worked for her - that is her doing not ours.
As a parent, I had a lot of guilt also - what did I do wrong?, what did I not do?, how did I miss the signs?, etc. Fairly early on at a Nar-Anon meeting, I heard about the "Three C's" - namely: You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it.
I found that when I really accepted the Three C's as truth, my guilt went a way - it took a while but it worked for me.
"I have facilitated treatment programs for her and been denied. Nothing seems to work." I think that offering treatment / recovery is about all you can do - it does not work simply because your sister has not reached her personal bottom yet - hopefully, someday it will work, but nothing is going to happen for her until she is ready.
Meanwhile, love your addict and hate the disease.
Keep coming back.
Jim
Charlotte
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California
Posts: 6
Thanks Jim for the reply and wisdom. I am glad to hear your daughter is doing well right now.
I definitely need to get into the program and attent regularly because my obsession over her disease needs to be replaced with something. I think I wasn't ready before because I hadn't come to terms with the fact that she is intact an addict.
Now that the denial is gone, I think I can benefit from the program and working on myself.
Thanks again and best wishes.
- Charlotte
I definitely need to get into the program and attent regularly because my obsession over her disease needs to be replaced with something. I think I wasn't ready before because I hadn't come to terms with the fact that she is intact an addict.
Now that the denial is gone, I think I can benefit from the program and working on myself.
Thanks again and best wishes.
- Charlotte
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 379
I have a similar story to yours although my alcoholic father has never stopped drinking and is on the verge of wet brain. My addicted little brother, son of my dad and dad's 2nd wife, is 26, much younger than I. I took care of him when my dad and his mother could not. My mother, a marijuana and cocaine addict, died of related heart disease at age 47. My younger sisters are also substance abusers and basically my entire family drinks far too much. Addiction has been all around me my entire life. I was codependent for years, having seen my mother have life threatening accidents when I was a child, wanting to care for parents who were supposed to be caring for me, then growing up with this role expected of me because I grew up far too fast and did take care of things the adults should have been doing. I went into my 20s partying, emulating my mother, but I stopped when she died. In my 30s, I continued to be codependent and took care of my addicted (marijuana and alcohol) boyfriend. He was in and out of the hospital, on the wagon and off the wagon, for the decade we were together. I finally couldn't take it anymore and we split up. I read the book Codependency No More and started to finally understand myself and my relationships. During the later part of my 30s, my B (brother) started spiraling downward and I was "rescuing" him. However, with this greater understanding of the impact his health and well being was having on mine (just as my mom's had), I had to detach when he was arrested and went to jail for the first time a couple of years ago. I wrote him letters in jail, explaining why I wasn't "there" for him and told him what a toll his life was taking on me. He kept me out of his troubles from then on. Didn't call me anymore in a panic, needing help. Didn't go into any details when we were together in person when I visited the family. (I live 4+ hours away.) He respected my wishes. Things took a tailspin recently, however, when we was hospitalized at the end of May and has been in and out since. Anyway, that's my story in a nutshell. If I can give any advice, it would be to read Codependency No More.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Love cannot save our addicted loved ones, if it could, not one of us would be here.
What helped me when dealing with my addicted son was to find good meetings and go regularly and begin working a program that saved my sanity and my life. CoDA, Al-anon and Nar-anon are three similar fellowships that are about us and not about the substance our loved ones are using. I suggest trying a few different meetings and continue to go for 6 weeks or so before you decide if they are for you or not. They have helped many here find their way.
My prayers go out for your sister and your entire family. That's a lot to endure emotionally.
Hugs
What helped me when dealing with my addicted son was to find good meetings and go regularly and begin working a program that saved my sanity and my life. CoDA, Al-anon and Nar-anon are three similar fellowships that are about us and not about the substance our loved ones are using. I suggest trying a few different meetings and continue to go for 6 weeks or so before you decide if they are for you or not. They have helped many here find their way.
My prayers go out for your sister and your entire family. That's a lot to endure emotionally.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
CharlotteC - Ann has really nailed it on several different points in her post above......
"Love cannot save our addicted loved ones, if it could, not one of us would be here." - that is a quotable statement if there ever was one - I have written that one down for myself!
The second and more subtle point which she suggested was to try different meetings -- take different groups for a "test drive" until you find a group of people that you like and can relate to; but at the same time do not be hasty when choosing a group.
I love my Nar-Anon home group, they are like a second family, but that is not to say that every single meeting is a great one; so when "shopping" you should to go to a group more than once (some say 6 times) to get a real feel for how the group dynamic works at that particular meeting -- your first visit may not be typical.
Finally accepting that your sister IS an addict is a major accomplishment for you. This realization allows you to begin work on the first Step:
"We admitted we were powerless over the addict - that our lives had become unmanageable."
Good luck! Keep coming back!
Jim
"Love cannot save our addicted loved ones, if it could, not one of us would be here." - that is a quotable statement if there ever was one - I have written that one down for myself!
The second and more subtle point which she suggested was to try different meetings -- take different groups for a "test drive" until you find a group of people that you like and can relate to; but at the same time do not be hasty when choosing a group.
I love my Nar-Anon home group, they are like a second family, but that is not to say that every single meeting is a great one; so when "shopping" you should to go to a group more than once (some say 6 times) to get a real feel for how the group dynamic works at that particular meeting -- your first visit may not be typical.
Finally accepting that your sister IS an addict is a major accomplishment for you. This realization allows you to begin work on the first Step:
"We admitted we were powerless over the addict - that our lives had become unmanageable."
Good luck! Keep coming back!
Jim
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
CharlotteC...
Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for what has brought you here, but I'm thankful you took the step to post.
It is never easy to watch a loved one self destruct. And you have experienced more than your fair share of heartbreak on that front. It is good that you've chosen a different path than your parents and your sister. And what's implicit in that choice is the realization that there is nothing you can do for anyone that doesn't want to do anything for themselves.
Addiction is a selfish disease in that regard. The addict withdraws from the world and from those who love them to live a life of indulgence, and in the thick of it, they're indifferent to the carnage that indulgence creates, both for themselves and for those who love them. Your mother paid the ultimate price. Your sister's on that same path. And with your own health issues, your first priority needs to be taking care of yourself.
I get that you miss your sister. But until she decides to stop using and follows that decision up with treatment and a program to gain recovery, there's nothing you can do except pray and hope for the best.
Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for what has brought you here, but I'm thankful you took the step to post.
What I am struggling with and seeking advice or support with is the guilt. I am very stressed from her lifestyle. She calls me telling me she has a black eye, or is in trouble and then I don't hear from her for several days. I have been prone to worrying due to growing up with addicted parents and constantly feeling like I could somehow control their sobriety. I know I can't, but I always hear my inner voice telling me there is more I can do. I have an autoimmune disease and stress exacerbates my symptoms. I have had several panic attacks and insomnia from the constant worry.
Addiction is a selfish disease in that regard. The addict withdraws from the world and from those who love them to live a life of indulgence, and in the thick of it, they're indifferent to the carnage that indulgence creates, both for themselves and for those who love them. Your mother paid the ultimate price. Your sister's on that same path. And with your own health issues, your first priority needs to be taking care of yourself.
I get that you miss your sister. But until she decides to stop using and follows that decision up with treatment and a program to gain recovery, there's nothing you can do except pray and hope for the best.
Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
I'm always amazed at how strong the human spirit can be.
I hope you find peace as you learn to let go of your sister. It's not fair and I feel your pain. Please take care of yourself as she is on a different path.
Hugs to you,
Joie
I hope you find peace as you learn to let go of your sister. It's not fair and I feel your pain. Please take care of yourself as she is on a different path.
Hugs to you,
Joie
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
CC-I am so sorry for all the addicts in your life. Bless you that you did not get the DNA that everyone else has. For so long you have "cared" for everyone, as you could fix it/them. (or do your best to). At some point in our life we have to throw up are arms and give it to God. Ask him to take care of our addicts as it is out of our hands.
What God wants us to do ( for the first time in our life) is to take care of ourselves and everything will fall into place like it is suppose to. At some point (which I am assuming you are there) you say you can't do it anymore, you are just plain tired.
What I found with my XAH was that I could still love them, even though I wasn't enabling him anymore. I didn't have to stop loving them. I could still love them and pray for them if I wasn't directly in there life. If your sister stresses you out, don't pick up the phone and always rescue her. Give her her space to take responsibility for herself. It's ok to do that, and turn off your phone at night not to get those phone calls. If she hurt herself or got hurt, a couple hours will not make a difference. Once we make peace that we are not harming our addicts, life gets a little easier. You can love them from a distance. It made my life a lot easier to do the things I needed to do in my life.
Hugs my friend, keep asking questions and taking care of you. Life will fall into place the way God had intended. (if you don't believe in God, then a higher power - or someone smarter then you)
What God wants us to do ( for the first time in our life) is to take care of ourselves and everything will fall into place like it is suppose to. At some point (which I am assuming you are there) you say you can't do it anymore, you are just plain tired.
What I found with my XAH was that I could still love them, even though I wasn't enabling him anymore. I didn't have to stop loving them. I could still love them and pray for them if I wasn't directly in there life. If your sister stresses you out, don't pick up the phone and always rescue her. Give her her space to take responsibility for herself. It's ok to do that, and turn off your phone at night not to get those phone calls. If she hurt herself or got hurt, a couple hours will not make a difference. Once we make peace that we are not harming our addicts, life gets a little easier. You can love them from a distance. It made my life a lot easier to do the things I needed to do in my life.
Hugs my friend, keep asking questions and taking care of you. Life will fall into place the way God had intended. (if you don't believe in God, then a higher power - or someone smarter then you)
Charlotte
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California
Posts: 6
Alterity -
I want to thank you deeply for sharing your story with me!
I also grew up with an alcoholic father, drug addicted mother, uncle, grandparents and too many more to list. I have watched many of them die from the disease (most painfully, my mother) and I felt it was my duty to keep my sister safe, so I didn't lose her too.
I will read that book you recommend, and I am SO relieved to hear that your brother respected your request. In my mind.. I imagine she will cut me off if I told her how her behavior affects me, but I am strong enough to handle that.. I think. I too feel the need to come to her rescue all the time. Even now.. I am up at nearly 3am from worry, as if that helps any.
Since we both grew up in addicted family dynamics I thought I'd mention, I read a book called "Adult Children of Alcoholics" (New York Times Best Seller, Author: Janet Woititz). I must have read it 3 times, before the library called and wanted me to return it. It really helped me understand myself as a child and now as an adult, which made me look at why I struggle so much to detach and put myself first.
I think your book recommendation will be the perfect followup. I have been looking for a next step to this process. So thanks again!
Thank you for sharing and good luck on your journey. I would love to chat more sometime.
Best,
Charlotte.
I want to thank you deeply for sharing your story with me!
I also grew up with an alcoholic father, drug addicted mother, uncle, grandparents and too many more to list. I have watched many of them die from the disease (most painfully, my mother) and I felt it was my duty to keep my sister safe, so I didn't lose her too.
I will read that book you recommend, and I am SO relieved to hear that your brother respected your request. In my mind.. I imagine she will cut me off if I told her how her behavior affects me, but I am strong enough to handle that.. I think. I too feel the need to come to her rescue all the time. Even now.. I am up at nearly 3am from worry, as if that helps any.
Since we both grew up in addicted family dynamics I thought I'd mention, I read a book called "Adult Children of Alcoholics" (New York Times Best Seller, Author: Janet Woititz). I must have read it 3 times, before the library called and wanted me to return it. It really helped me understand myself as a child and now as an adult, which made me look at why I struggle so much to detach and put myself first.
I think your book recommendation will be the perfect followup. I have been looking for a next step to this process. So thanks again!
Thank you for sharing and good luck on your journey. I would love to chat more sometime.
Best,
Charlotte.
Charlotte
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California
Posts: 6
A message for all of you who posted replies and advice
Ann - Thank you so much for the suggestions. I am committed to spend at least a large portion of the time I spend worrying, in meetings. I need something else to focus on. Glad to know it’s okay for me to focus on myself.
JimC60 - I also wrote that down, Love cannot save our addicted loved ones..” I will need the reminder. Thank you for commending my 1st step. That step took me 3 years to accept and it wasn’t until my life had become completely un-manageable that I realized I need help. It was hard to admit to myself that she isn’t who I used to know, at least not right now. It is a relief, however, to accept that I am powerless over her.
z0s077- Thank you for your compassion regarding my upbringing and the loss I have experienced. I think now, at the age of 29.. I have come to learn that I don’t control their use. As a child I believed that if i was good enough my Mom would be happy and not need to use. That false belief stayed with me and transferred to my sister, but as an adult… it no longer serves me. I am ready to let that go. Thank you for the reminder!
Joie12 - It is very nice to hear someone tell me that it’s okay to let her go and take care of me. I myself have an autoimmune disease and the stress and worry has made me go back into a huge flare up. I really feel relieved when I read that it’s okay to let go. Blessings.
Maia1234- Thank you for your kind words. This experience has definitely brought me closer to God. I have learned to surrender, that I have no control, and that it’s in his hands. I will take your advice on turning off my phone. Because the stress it brings me has not been good for my autoimmune disease. I used to feel selfish for not replying right away, but she never replies to me… so I think it’s fair to put myself first from now on. That will be a helpful exercise. Thanks again!
JimC60 - I also wrote that down, Love cannot save our addicted loved ones..” I will need the reminder. Thank you for commending my 1st step. That step took me 3 years to accept and it wasn’t until my life had become completely un-manageable that I realized I need help. It was hard to admit to myself that she isn’t who I used to know, at least not right now. It is a relief, however, to accept that I am powerless over her.
z0s077- Thank you for your compassion regarding my upbringing and the loss I have experienced. I think now, at the age of 29.. I have come to learn that I don’t control their use. As a child I believed that if i was good enough my Mom would be happy and not need to use. That false belief stayed with me and transferred to my sister, but as an adult… it no longer serves me. I am ready to let that go. Thank you for the reminder!
Joie12 - It is very nice to hear someone tell me that it’s okay to let her go and take care of me. I myself have an autoimmune disease and the stress and worry has made me go back into a huge flare up. I really feel relieved when I read that it’s okay to let go. Blessings.
Maia1234- Thank you for your kind words. This experience has definitely brought me closer to God. I have learned to surrender, that I have no control, and that it’s in his hands. I will take your advice on turning off my phone. Because the stress it brings me has not been good for my autoimmune disease. I used to feel selfish for not replying right away, but she never replies to me… so I think it’s fair to put myself first from now on. That will be a helpful exercise. Thanks again!
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