red0321

Hi everyone. I’ve posted here once before and have since been reading as your words and wisdom and have been vey helpful. Sorry for the long post but wanted to give some background information first. I’m 26, in graduate school, self-sufficient and goal-oriented. I was off and on with my ex bf (age 27) for 3 years. He snorted oxys and I later found out heroin was also involved. Like many others, we had an immediate attraction, chemistry, and connection, and fell very hard for each other. I looked past the red flags and knew little about this addiction. Once I discovered he had a problem I became very educated on the topic, but the rollercoaster of a relationship made me feel crazy. A few months ago we finally made the tough but mutual decision to breakup. We both knew it wasn’t a happy, trusting, and fulfilling relationship anymore. A year ago he informed his family (it runs in the family) and started to see a therapist weekly. But he still wasn't serious about getting clean and continued to use. When we made the breakup final, he told me that he had relapsed, and that in a few days he would be going to rehab. This was the first time he admitted he was using (I always found out with my “detective work” which was very sad and exhausting). But I know that it must have been going on for many months, and he didn’t tell me how much/what he was using. So all he admitted was that he was using. I’m not sure what made him want to go to rehab— we didn’t talk for 2 weeks prior to that conversation because he was he going through a bad isolation period. He was in detox for 12 days- apparently insurance cut him off and he couldn’t stay any longer. I found out he was home and reached out to him 2 days after he returned. He was on the “pink cloud” and super elated and high on life. At this point I was torn and a part of me still wanted to be together. He was very clear that we shouldn’t be because he needs to put his recovery first. He said this was his first real shot at staying clean. That he had a spiritual awakening, which he feels is necessary in recovery and is looking at everything with new eyes. I understood and agreed that he needs to put himself first, but I was still heartbroken that this break up was for real.

Despite being clear that we shouldn’t be talking, he contacted me two weeks later, texting me about trivial things. He then told me that he was going to 1 meeting a day, exercising, eating healthy, and plans never to drink or smoke marijuana again. It was bittersweet to hear that he was feeling so well. He was finally taking the steps I was hoping to see but I couldn’t share it with him. I told him that it was nice to hear from and I was glad he was doing well, but I was confused as to why he was reaching out, as he made it clear we shouldn’t be in contact. He hasn’t contacted me since then. And neither have I, which was very hard for me to do at first. I’m a lot stronger these days— working on myself, staying healthy, trying to be positive. I’ve analyzed and questioned the hell out of everything and know that all I can do if focus on me because I’ll never have all the answers. But I still can’t help but to wonder: how can he act like his life is so together and he is feeling so great during this early recovery?? He posts at least one facebook status a day, basically saying how healthy and great his life is, or trying to get attention with witty statements. If he was doing that well, would he really need to prove it on facebook? It’s also hurtful to see that he’s talking to girls from his past, like his ex and a girl from college. I’m pretty sure they both have boyfriends, and he claims that he has no intention to date because he’s focusing on recovery. But it’s still hurtful to see him talking this way to other girls. There’s also a girl from rehab that flirts with him, which he seems to respond to. I recently unfriended him from facebook because it drove me crazy looking at it. I was going to send him a nice message explaining that it was for my own personal growth and sanity, to ensure he didn’t think I was being immature or trying to get a reaction from him. But then I decided not to send it…why should i care how he interprets it when he doesn’t seem to give me a second thought when talking to other girls?

I think that’s what’s hurting the most. That he went away for such a short time and is now making it seem like his life is so great and everything is fixed. I’m proud that he’s making progress with these necessary steps, but I’m also hurt by his ego and selfishness. It’s like he’s still so wrapped up in himself, his image, and failing to recognize how his addiction has truly effected things. I suppose because aside from debt, he doesn’t have many consequences…he has no real responsibilities, as his parents are major enablers. They give him a place to live free of rent, money for food, bills, the gym, cigarettes, etc. What if he got out of detox and had to start from the botttom? His life is still very cushioned and everything is taken care of. I'm not sure why this bothers me since we’re not together. I guess because he’s acting overconfident and seems unappreciative/ unremorseful, and I have pent up resentment from all these years. It’s like he wants people to think he’s so desirable and that he’s a macho man, while he hides his addiction and heavily relies on his parents for everything. He also doesn’t seem to recognize that aside from himself, I’m the one person in his life that his addiction has truly effected and hurt the most. I feel guilty for feeling this way—that i feel anger and resentment towards him because all i ever wanted was for him to get his life on track and be healthy again. Anyone with similar experiences have any insight to help me sort through these feelings?

When he was straight out of detox he also said something that really stuck with me. There was a really low point in his life last year where everything hit at once—his drug addiction and depression were full blown, he was struggling at work, and he was having a tough situation with a family member. We were going through a hard time in our relationship and weren’t really “together”, so I wasn’t able to be supportive and there for him in the way he wanted me to. He said that he felt his addiction partly got worse during this time because I couldn’t put my own feelings aside and be there for him. That statement pissed me off because that was HIS choice to use. Also, some of the things were that bad in his life BECAUSE of his addiction—they weren't unrelated.

I can see through these things so why do I let it upset me??? No matter how strong I can feel some days, letting go completely is just hard. Thank you so much for listening to my long rant!

Ilovemysonjj

Dear red, welcome to SR! I am here as a mother of a 25 year old recovering heroin addict. You have described "the pink cloud" which is a known condition that early recovery brings to those who stop using. This time they feel high on life, they feel like they can do anything, and it is a very dangerous opportunity for relapse. The addict feels so good about themselves, they begin to think that the addiction is behind them. if they do NOT put their recovery first and continue to go to meetings and stay focused, relapse is a huge threat. My son would exhibit this pink cloud each time after detox or rehab, but once the regular ho hum life responsibilities set back in, he got bored and he stopped making his recovery the number one thing. He has been dealing with his addiction since his 20th birthday, he is now 25 and 1/2. He is beginning to be sick and tired of being sick and tired. One thing I did was let him go. he was in jail twice and also has not lived with us since May 2014 when I asked him to leave since he didn't respect our boundaries. He has had to learn the hard way. it sounds like your ex is currently in the "I feel great and I am great" state of mind. I would recommend you move on as his recovery is still uncertain. Time takes time. As far as him blaming you, just completely disregard that. Addicts always blame everything and everyone else for their choices.
In the final hindsight, you have chosen to live a life free from the craziness of addiction. It is the most important and BEST decision you will ever make.

I see my son( who is in a long term rehab) twice a month for no more than 30 minutes. I am staying way out of the way (finally LOL!) so he can truly find his recovery and his life.

Keep reading, you will find many stories here of the "pink cloud" and the dangers of relapse.
TT

AnvilheadII

life with an addict is just plain messy....and we keep harboring that hope if only they would get it together then life would be sunshine and daisies. but addiction is much more complex to any one single "cure" - addicts by and large have other underlying conditions....low ego, or hugely inflated ego, fear of failure, fear of success, inability to accept responsibility, lack of willingness to comply with the rules of life.

THEN you add in a long term pattern of drug and/or alcohol use, which messes up normal functioning, interrupts and rewires brain synapses, and further skews their view of the world. dug addiction is a selfish endeavor....I want to feel <<better, different, nothing>> and my needs are all that matters.....i want MORE NOW.....i want, i want, i want.

healing the body from the abuse is the "easy" part.....healing the mind and the soul is a life long achievement.

take care of YOU and try to worry a bit less about what he says. he's still not quite right in the head and sounds very much in the Pink Cloud phase. maybe work on going No Contact.

Vale

THAT was perfect, Anvil. Thank you for writing it. I'm pretty sure
you are one of the ones who kicked my ass in late 2011 when I got
here. Boy oh boy did I dislike and resent your advice. Especially the
"no contact" part. Didn't I explain succinctly enough that my addict
was special and not like all those OTHER addicts?

But I took your advice----for the reason that I am intelligent,
adaptable and capable......that and the fact that I has already TRIED
everything else.

Thank you once again, wise sage. The good you do here is real,
if anonymous. I will remember your goodwill long after the rest of
this ill-begotten nightmare.........has long forgotten.

Charioteer

Wow Red, your story hits so close to home I feel like I could swap the pronoun "his" for "her" and have it work almost perfectly. We also had a torrid romance, followed by a couple incredibly difficult years of addiction, depression, deception, failed rehab attempts, and crippling debt. It wasn't until AFTER I made the decision to leave (she understood why but didn't really want to do it) that all of a sudden now she's found a job, got clean, and is showing up on Facebook sober and happy and posting cute pictures of herself and all this other stuff. I'm still crushed from the heartbreak of my marriage ending, yet here she is all bubbly and confident and seemingly relieved to be done with it. The typical questions arise: Where was that attitude when we were together? Why did you wait to get your life on track until after it was too late to save our marriage? How can you not realize that I was unwaveringly there for you throughout the most difficult trials of both our lives? How do you have the nerve to be happy I'm gone?

I don't know the answers, because I'm still living through this right now, but it doesn't seem fair. It could be this pink cloud thing the others are talking about -- you finally get clean and feel great because you're finally free of the drugs and doing life on your own. I bet it's really liberating to not have to be a slave to your next fix any more. Having witnessed how heroin can wrap its tentacles around a person, I can totally understand the excitement of breaking free.

Ultimately (and this is far easy for me to say than it is for me to practice), the conclusion I've come to is that it doesn't matter. Let him do his life. You do yours. Put him out of your mind and work on moving on. Because in the end, even if this guy is on the right track, becomes the man you fell in love with originally, and never does drugs again for the rest of his life, you won't ever be able to have a normal, loving, non-codependent relationship with him again. The first time he's late coming home from work, you'll make yourself crazy worrying that he's getting high. Your "detective" skills will go to work digging through his phone when he actually isn't even doing anything wrong (or, worse yet, you'll catch him doing something wrong, and the heartbreak for you will be ten times what it was before). There's just too much resentment and pain, and breaking through that isn't easy at all. Furthermore, as crappy as it is to say, the terms of your relationship have basically already been set -- it likely wouldn't be long after getting back together that you'd both fall into what was "normal" for your relationship, and my guess is that it would be much simpler and more comfortable for him to fall back into using if you guys were back under one roof again. Now that you're free of that situation, going back to it would be that much worse.

But, like I said, I'm still trying to learn how to cope with this same crap, so take what I say with a grain of salt I guess. Just know you aren't alone in this, and that there are others out there who can commiserate with how much this totally sucks.

BlackSabbath

Well put.

Good for you for unfriending him & going no contact. That initial whirlwind romance really reels us in, doesn't it? Then the insanity hits, we recoil, he is "better" and sucks us back in again. After all, remember when everything was wonderful not so long ago? Then the cycle continues and we become equally insane. Forgetting about him is easier said than done, but cut your ties now. Be grateful you're not married to him & have kids together - that's a whole other layer of mess. Run...and don't ever look back.

zoso77

red...

Welcome Back to the Board. I'm glad you took the step to post what's been going on, and I'm very grateful that a few of our heavyweight members -- ilovemysonjj, Anvil, and Vale -- have responded to your post. I'd like to share some of my thoughts with you, too.

As someone whose been through the rigors of graduate school while trying to support an addict in early recovery, I can tell you you are extremely fortunate that your AXBF is not around. When I was trying to balance coursework, work and the daily drama of my AXGF, it was a real, real drain on me psychically and emotionally. Subsequently, I wasn't at my best when I needed to be. That's not her fault; it's mine, because I allowed her to disrupt a very important part of my life. With the gift of hindsight and knowledge about addiction and psychological disorders, I now recognize that she wasn't in recovery. She was abstaining from using, sure, but not really working a program the way she needed to.

As for Facebook...don't get me started. To be blunt, I f--king hate Facebook, and for the reasons you describe above. Pictures mean nothing. Actions do. And your AXBF's actions are, to me, suspicious. If he's reconnecting with girls from his past, he's tickling the pleasure center of his brain for all of the wrong reasons. He's not working on what he needs to be working on. And when that pink cloud goes BOOM!!, what does he have to fall back on? What has he learned about himself and his choices?

So, I empathize with you, red. Here you are, trying to better yourself, trying to do right by him, he's acting the way addicts act, and you're hacked off. It's understandable, for sure. But don't feed that. Keep the focus on you, your priorities, your goals. And whatever he does, he does.

Keep us posted, and Welcome Back.

red0321

Thank you all for your honest and wise words! It's already helping me feel a bit better. Some of this advice I already know deep down, but just needed to be reminded by others who has been through it and came out on the other side. I suppose you’re right that he’s still in the pink cloud phase, so I shouldn't take all of his actions to heart. While I really do hope that he’s doing well and stays clean, I also know that addicts are expert liars, so he very well could be believing his own lies that this will be smooth sailing from here on out.

Ilovemysonjj, I’m sorry to hear that you are dealing with this with your son and thank you for your insight. Anvilhead, you’re right that there’s underlying issues, which I’ve slowly learned the hard way. Even now in his recovery and being clean (for the time being), his ego very much bothers me. And I’ve always resented him for not being self-sufficient and responsible because I’ve always been able to take care of myself. If you take addiction out of the equation, I’m not sure if he will ever be independent with the way mommy and daddy take care of him…..and quite frankly that’s not a very attractive trait in a man. Going no contact was hard at first, but now i see that it was the best way to restore my sanity and think clearly again.

Charioteer, I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through a similar situation. Isn’t it crazy how similar all of our stories are? Addiction seems to follow the same pattern, at least in most of the cases I’ve read about here. As for the Facebook thing, I know social media is all about portraying a positive image to the world…everyone wants to look like they’re happy, cool, doing great, etc. So maybe our exes aren’t necessarily doing so great. It’s likely that they miss us or are still struggling. Maybe they’re posting these things to boost their ego, fool themsleves, or to spite us. Nonetheless, it still hurts like hell seeing them talk to people of the opposite sex, regardless of what their intentions are. As you said, I’m sure they’re honestly feeling well in some sense, because simply taking care of yourself and staying away from drugs can make you feel like a million bucks when you’ve been treating your body like garbage for so long. It’s like they’re taking steps to be normal humans and are thrilled that they can feel something again. But in my opinion, they still have much more work to do and are not yet “functioning” in the real world. Also, they need to put in hard work to truly stay feeling well, otherwise that feeling will be gone before you know it. And thank you for pointing out that if we were to get back together, it's likely that we'll fall into the same pattern.

Zoso, that’s a good point-- him talking to other girls shows that he may not be focusing 100% on recovery. And i agree, I freakin hate Facebook. Him doing that really bothered me because he’s either trying to get with other girls, or is just looking for attention/an ego boost/to feel desirable etc. I never really noticed that side of him before, but in hindsight I’m seeing that he he may be cocky and really like female attention. I guess he isn’t totally focused on himself and staying clean if he’s still so pleasure seeking.

Thank you everyone for reminding me to put the focus on MYSELF

Gettngstronger1

Red, at times I was reading this, and I felt like I had written it myself. I went through so many similar things with my ex. It's amazing how many of us have the same story, with almost identical details.

I have a friend whose mother passed away unexpectedly. I was on the phone with her for 20 minutes one night as she told me what happened. We hung up and I was filling my boyfriend in on what had happened, and how I felt so bad for my friend who was devastated. He actually told me several weeks later, that was the night he was "trying to tell me" how bad his addiction had gotten and that he needed help, but I was going on and on about my friend's mother, so he stayed silent. He said he needed me at that time and I wasn't there for him. He also said that I was always so much more concerned about everyone else except the one person who loved me and was standing right in front of me. And he claimed that his addiction got worse after that because he "realized" that he couldn't talk to me. Really? I knew something was going on. I had been asking him at least once a week for two months what was wrong. He had every excuse from not feeling well, to a bad work day, to a fight with a friend or family member. What a coincidence that he chose THAT day, where I spent all of 20 minutes being concerned about my friend due to the loss of her mother, to finally tell me what was going on with him, and I wasn't there for him. He made me feel so guilty about it. Now I'm able to look back on it and see that it was the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my life.

Addiction is very selfish, and so is recovery... Perhaps even more so than addiction. When he definitely had symptoms of that "pink cloud." Everything was all about him. He never once took any accountability for the things he had done while he was using, or showed any remorse. He called all the shots as to our relationship status, and I was slowly going crazy trying to follow his lead and be supportive. I finally had enough and went No Contact about 2 months ago, maybe slightly longer than that. And then I was told that I was being selfish and inconsiderate for putting my feelings above his sickness and recovery.

It was the best decision I could have made. It still hurts like crazy at times, but I'm having more good days than bad days at this point. I like to think that by this time next year, I'll be completely over it. This is not a healthy, equal relationship for anyone. You seem like a very caring, loving person. Save that for someone out there who will respect you and treat you the same way in return. This guy does not deserve you.