need to vent, husband is functioning addict.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 4
need to vent, husband is functioning addict.
My first post, I'm not sure of the lingo here so bare with me please.
My husband of 13 years is addicted to pain pills, although he will use meth or adderall if he can't get them. He toyed with pain pills for a few years, taking them every once in a while. But over the last 2 years he has became addicted to them. At his highest he was taking like 10 a day, currently probably 3. He still works and provides for us. I'm a stay at home mom. For the past 6 months he's been saying he's quitting. Because I came home from a visit to my parents, and he was high on meth. We had a huge fight and he said he was done and he wanted me to help him get off, that he was going to ween himself off. I have been supportive, bought him vitamins, helped him get through all the sleepless nights, and fever and chills, legs cramping, etc... He's good for a few weeks and starts back up again, we've been through this cycle like 6 times now. Just last week he promised he was done for good this time, very next day I find more pills, then he spends the two days after raging at me, for any little reason. Literally one was because I took money to pay the water bill! Not that we couldn't afford it. Just for no reason! Then he spends the next day or two trying to repair the damage he does, I'm sorry, I love you, blah blah blah! I'm tired of this emotional roller coaster! Today I found more pills! This is not fair to me or the kids. I know he's not as bad a lot of the others on here, he still provides, he doesn't steal or pawn things. But I can't take the raging, the lies, the mood swings anymore! I don't want to divorce, I'm a catholic, we've been married for 13 years, I want to fix this. But it doesn't seem like he is willing. I don't know what else to do! Thanks for giving me somewhere to vent!
My husband of 13 years is addicted to pain pills, although he will use meth or adderall if he can't get them. He toyed with pain pills for a few years, taking them every once in a while. But over the last 2 years he has became addicted to them. At his highest he was taking like 10 a day, currently probably 3. He still works and provides for us. I'm a stay at home mom. For the past 6 months he's been saying he's quitting. Because I came home from a visit to my parents, and he was high on meth. We had a huge fight and he said he was done and he wanted me to help him get off, that he was going to ween himself off. I have been supportive, bought him vitamins, helped him get through all the sleepless nights, and fever and chills, legs cramping, etc... He's good for a few weeks and starts back up again, we've been through this cycle like 6 times now. Just last week he promised he was done for good this time, very next day I find more pills, then he spends the two days after raging at me, for any little reason. Literally one was because I took money to pay the water bill! Not that we couldn't afford it. Just for no reason! Then he spends the next day or two trying to repair the damage he does, I'm sorry, I love you, blah blah blah! I'm tired of this emotional roller coaster! Today I found more pills! This is not fair to me or the kids. I know he's not as bad a lot of the others on here, he still provides, he doesn't steal or pawn things. But I can't take the raging, the lies, the mood swings anymore! I don't want to divorce, I'm a catholic, we've been married for 13 years, I want to fix this. But it doesn't seem like he is willing. I don't know what else to do! Thanks for giving me somewhere to vent!
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: U.S.A.
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Welcome to the forum MI! You have found a great place to vent your frustrations to those who understand.
I have no advice as I come from the other side of the isle, alcoholic here . I am sure someone will be by shortly though.
Active addiction only gets worse. I really hope you are making sure the kids are not being exposed to these mood swings.
Glad you found us.
I have no advice as I come from the other side of the isle, alcoholic here . I am sure someone will be by shortly though.
Active addiction only gets worse. I really hope you are making sure the kids are not being exposed to these mood swings.
Glad you found us.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 4
Thanks! So far he pretty much just takes his rage out on me. But the kids know when we're fighting, and can always feel the tension, and know when he is in a bad mood. I don't want them to grow up walking on eggshells though.
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 54
My (now -ex) husband was able to provide & even keep his addiction under wraps for a good 2 years.
Even when I discovered it for the first time, I realized how much "better off" we were that he was able to go to work, get a paycheck & even be a half-ass dad when needed.
Fast forward 4 years later. Pain pills for years resulted in heroin.
2 stints in inpatient rehab. Felony criminal charges.
A divorce that was just finalized recently.
It's been a hard, hard stretch for all of us. But i remember being in your place. Addiction is progressive.
Life is short. And your kids will absorb & retain all of what occurs around them.
Just something to keep in mind. Take care of yourself!
Even when I discovered it for the first time, I realized how much "better off" we were that he was able to go to work, get a paycheck & even be a half-ass dad when needed.
Fast forward 4 years later. Pain pills for years resulted in heroin.
2 stints in inpatient rehab. Felony criminal charges.
A divorce that was just finalized recently.
It's been a hard, hard stretch for all of us. But i remember being in your place. Addiction is progressive.
Life is short. And your kids will absorb & retain all of what occurs around them.
Just something to keep in mind. Take care of yourself!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello MI1984.
Welcome to SR!
You are not on a road, you are on a 1/4 mile track going in circles with him.
Personally I recommend Plan X which is planning for your exit. Because Plan B didn't work, did it? For some members here, Plan X has taken them years. So even if you don't think it is necessary, might as well start making some small changes in your life just in case.
Welcome to SR!
You are not on a road, you are on a 1/4 mile track going in circles with him.
Personally I recommend Plan X which is planning for your exit. Because Plan B didn't work, did it? For some members here, Plan X has taken them years. So even if you don't think it is necessary, might as well start making some small changes in your life just in case.
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Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 67
Has he been to rehab before?
I am sorry you are dealing with this. The roller coaster is exhausting. What you have realized by now is that he can't quit on his own. He's tried a few times but failed every time. I hope he realizes he can't do it alone. His "recovery" plan doesn't work.
Personally I have made several mistakes in assuming that my AF actually wanted to quit. It's possible your husband is only half interested in quitting.
I am sorry you are dealing with this. The roller coaster is exhausting. What you have realized by now is that he can't quit on his own. He's tried a few times but failed every time. I hope he realizes he can't do it alone. His "recovery" plan doesn't work.
Personally I have made several mistakes in assuming that my AF actually wanted to quit. It's possible your husband is only half interested in quitting.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
boy if only we COULD fix it right? but therein lies the rub.....we cannot fix or cure another's addiction. recovery is a self-serve program....the pull of the drugs is incredibly and unbearably strong and summoning enough desire to STOP is a pretty monumental task.
there is a huge chasm between saying "i really gotta quit this" and getting to the point where ACTION is taken to begin that process. and that can take a lonnnnggg time. at this juncture, from the bit you have shared i'd hazard a guess that your husband is far from "ready" to be done.
you have to put yourself and your children as the priority here....so that regardless of your AH's choices, you have a safe and sane environment. one that does not include a raging bully.
you must also consider that drug addiction is a progressive illness. it ALWAYS gets worse, it never improves on its own. today he may still provide and not steal or cheat or any of the other less savory antics, but it's best to qualify those as NOT YETS.
there is a huge chasm between saying "i really gotta quit this" and getting to the point where ACTION is taken to begin that process. and that can take a lonnnnggg time. at this juncture, from the bit you have shared i'd hazard a guess that your husband is far from "ready" to be done.
you have to put yourself and your children as the priority here....so that regardless of your AH's choices, you have a safe and sane environment. one that does not include a raging bully.
you must also consider that drug addiction is a progressive illness. it ALWAYS gets worse, it never improves on its own. today he may still provide and not steal or cheat or any of the other less savory antics, but it's best to qualify those as NOT YETS.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I don’t think any of us wanted to leave marriages/relationships/family. We all wanted to fix the issue and get on with our lives and be happy.
What we discovered and didn’t like was that we can’t fix another human being. We can’t love them clean and sober…………they have to want it. And that wanting has to be real with a moving mountains kind of action in order to obtain it. Willing to do all that it takes and remain committed to that. He's not shown you that, he doesn't want that right now or ever - it's always a gamble with an addict.
Many of us here have experienced days/weeks and even months of them trying hard to be clean only to see it all slip right back to where it was, only worse.
Many of us here learned the hard way that addiction is a progressive disease, it only grows worse. The behavior then grows along with it. Job loses, no money to pay bills or buy food/pawning things, stealing things, selling drugs, just about whatever they have to do in order to get their fix.
Marriage/relationships/kids/responsibility are all hassles and hurdles of addiction that slowly get pushed out of the way so they can use.
And all the while that this self-destruction is happening, we stand witness to it unable to help ourselves let alone them.
I would check out some al-anon or nar-anon meetings in your area. The importance is support for you and to gain an acceptance that you have no control over his addiction. No amount of your support or love is going to make him get clean and stay clean.
He has to make a commitment to himself for himself that he no longer wants drugs in his life then he has to put some kind of plan in place to help him achieve that goal because you’ve already witnessed that he is unable to do that alone by himself.
I agree that you need to start a plan X for yourself and especially for your children. No one says you need to leave him today/tomorrow/next week/next month or next year. But when dealing with addiction you need to be prepared to be able to support yourself and your children alone all on your own all by yourself. Being dependent on an active addict for your own welfare and the welfare of your children is NEVER ever a good plan.
What we discovered and didn’t like was that we can’t fix another human being. We can’t love them clean and sober…………they have to want it. And that wanting has to be real with a moving mountains kind of action in order to obtain it. Willing to do all that it takes and remain committed to that. He's not shown you that, he doesn't want that right now or ever - it's always a gamble with an addict.
Many of us here have experienced days/weeks and even months of them trying hard to be clean only to see it all slip right back to where it was, only worse.
Many of us here learned the hard way that addiction is a progressive disease, it only grows worse. The behavior then grows along with it. Job loses, no money to pay bills or buy food/pawning things, stealing things, selling drugs, just about whatever they have to do in order to get their fix.
Marriage/relationships/kids/responsibility are all hassles and hurdles of addiction that slowly get pushed out of the way so they can use.
And all the while that this self-destruction is happening, we stand witness to it unable to help ourselves let alone them.
I would check out some al-anon or nar-anon meetings in your area. The importance is support for you and to gain an acceptance that you have no control over his addiction. No amount of your support or love is going to make him get clean and stay clean.
He has to make a commitment to himself for himself that he no longer wants drugs in his life then he has to put some kind of plan in place to help him achieve that goal because you’ve already witnessed that he is unable to do that alone by himself.
I agree that you need to start a plan X for yourself and especially for your children. No one says you need to leave him today/tomorrow/next week/next month or next year. But when dealing with addiction you need to be prepared to be able to support yourself and your children alone all on your own all by yourself. Being dependent on an active addict for your own welfare and the welfare of your children is NEVER ever a good plan.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 4
Thanks for all your input! It helps to know there are people who have been here before. No he's never been to rehab. And looking back I can see the only time he wants to stop is when he's been caught or confronted. On the good days, I can convince myself that everything's okay. He's not that bad, im being overly dramatic. But on the bad days, I wonder what I'm still doing here. I guess I'm not ready to leave yet, and I'm scared of what a future without him will look like. We've been together since I was 17. I'm dependent on him, pathetic I guess. But I am afraid of the unknown. I've never had to depend on myself. But it looks like I might have to start making a plan x. Thanks for the shoulder to cry on!
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((MI1984))
Hate so much to hear of another family being damaged by addiction. So glad you are brave enough to look for help for yourself.
I know an exit is not your desire - it never is for any of us ~
I didn't see where you mention whether you had sons or daughters nor their age - but please let me share a little of what I have learned . . .
Today, right now, you are setting the example to your children on what acceptable behavior is ~ for my daughters, I taught them that it was ok for your mate to treat you with disrespect, to lie, to emotionally abuse and to be treated as less than.
Because of this all of my daughters, now adults, struggle in relationships ~
Not that it's all my fault, but I definitely did not give them an example of a healthy marriage when they were young.
Once I realized this in my recovery journey, I knew my girls & I deserve better ~
and so do you & your family
wishing you the best,
Hate so much to hear of another family being damaged by addiction. So glad you are brave enough to look for help for yourself.
I know an exit is not your desire - it never is for any of us ~
I didn't see where you mention whether you had sons or daughters nor their age - but please let me share a little of what I have learned . . .
Today, right now, you are setting the example to your children on what acceptable behavior is ~ for my daughters, I taught them that it was ok for your mate to treat you with disrespect, to lie, to emotionally abuse and to be treated as less than.
Because of this all of my daughters, now adults, struggle in relationships ~
Not that it's all my fault, but I definitely did not give them an example of a healthy marriage when they were young.
Once I realized this in my recovery journey, I knew my girls & I deserve better ~
and so do you & your family
wishing you the best,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 4
Your so right! I don't want that for my children. I have a daughter 9 and a son 5.
I don't want that for either of them. I grew up in a loving stable home. I wanted no less for my children. My kids are my life, and I want what's best for them. It took us years to get children, and now that we have them, now things are falling apart.
I don't want that for either of them. I grew up in a loving stable home. I wanted no less for my children. My kids are my life, and I want what's best for them. It took us years to get children, and now that we have them, now things are falling apart.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 970
Time for planX and digging within yourself to know that you CAN make it out on your own , with your beautiful children, knowing that you are going to create the kind of space they and you deserve. Hopefully, your own family can help you, if you ask.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 58
I agree with everyone else on here. Right now he doesn't want to quit because HE wants to quit, he wants to quit because YOU want him to quit.
It's not the same thing. And it's not going to work until he actually wants it for himself. In some cases (possibly most), the only way he's going to make that call is AFTER everything blows up in his face. As long as he's making the bills, holding down a job, etc., he's going to think to himself "it's no big deal," and do just enough so that you won't hassle him too much about it.
I can't stress this enough: You can't fix him. There is no amount of love, compassion, kindness, or caring that will force him to change his mind on this. This is the single hardest thing for any spouse of an addict to wrap their minds around -- there is nothing we wouldn't do for them, but the addiction is one area they literally CAN NOT change just because we want/need/threaten them to. It has to be something they are willing to fight tooth and nail for.
Think of how much worse this situation has become in the past two years. That is the trajectory curve of addiction. Plot that same trajectory out a few more years, and here is your worst-case scenario: Vicodin will become Oxy. Oxy will become heroin. He will lose his job for being high at work, and he won't feel like getting another one because he's more interested in getting high. Bills go unpaid. More fighting. More heartbreak. And the same end result you'd be looking at if you got out right now.
Ok, look. I'm not trying to scare you. I don't want to come off sounding harsh, because you are in pain and it's a heart-wrenching pain that everyone here has suffered through. But we have all been seen this story (for me, literally this EXACT story, except me and her were both working), and reading your post is like watching a horror movie and yelling at the actress on the screen not to go check on that noise she heard out in the forest in the middle of the night.
Here is the best advice I can give you: Do what you need to do to make YOURSELF happy. Take care of you. I know the best-case scenario is that he gets clean and goes back to being the man you remembered, but that isn't who he is right now. Right now he's an addict. That's either good enough for you or it isn't, and only you can make that decision.
Best of luck and keep us posted on here.
It's not the same thing. And it's not going to work until he actually wants it for himself. In some cases (possibly most), the only way he's going to make that call is AFTER everything blows up in his face. As long as he's making the bills, holding down a job, etc., he's going to think to himself "it's no big deal," and do just enough so that you won't hassle him too much about it.
I can't stress this enough: You can't fix him. There is no amount of love, compassion, kindness, or caring that will force him to change his mind on this. This is the single hardest thing for any spouse of an addict to wrap their minds around -- there is nothing we wouldn't do for them, but the addiction is one area they literally CAN NOT change just because we want/need/threaten them to. It has to be something they are willing to fight tooth and nail for.
Think of how much worse this situation has become in the past two years. That is the trajectory curve of addiction. Plot that same trajectory out a few more years, and here is your worst-case scenario: Vicodin will become Oxy. Oxy will become heroin. He will lose his job for being high at work, and he won't feel like getting another one because he's more interested in getting high. Bills go unpaid. More fighting. More heartbreak. And the same end result you'd be looking at if you got out right now.
Ok, look. I'm not trying to scare you. I don't want to come off sounding harsh, because you are in pain and it's a heart-wrenching pain that everyone here has suffered through. But we have all been seen this story (for me, literally this EXACT story, except me and her were both working), and reading your post is like watching a horror movie and yelling at the actress on the screen not to go check on that noise she heard out in the forest in the middle of the night.
Here is the best advice I can give you: Do what you need to do to make YOURSELF happy. Take care of you. I know the best-case scenario is that he gets clean and goes back to being the man you remembered, but that isn't who he is right now. Right now he's an addict. That's either good enough for you or it isn't, and only you can make that decision.
Best of luck and keep us posted on here.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
Originally Posted by MsPINKAcres 
Because of this all of my daughters, now adults, struggle in relationships ~
Not that it's all my fault, but I definitely did not give them an example of a healthy marriage when they were young.
Once I realized this in my recovery journey, I knew my girls & I deserve better ~
and so do you & your family
Not that it's all my fault, but I definitely did not give them an example of a healthy marriage when they were young.
Once I realized this in my recovery journey, I knew my girls & I deserve better ~
and so do you & your family
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Originally Posted by JOIE12
Thank you MsPINKAcres - this is the glue for the relationship between a parent and their children. I made the same mistake, thinking that I was doing the right thing. Now I suffer watching them struggle. It's the same kind of pain but the two that I love more than life - getting thru it. Regret and guilt 
it's so heartbreaking to watch my adult daughters be in unhealthy and/or unsafe relationships ~ especially now that my granddaughters are affected.
The guilt for me was almost too much - then my sponsor shared with me that I left that life ~ I showed my girls what courage, dignity & self-love is by choosing after 17 years to DO something different.
My sponsor reassured me that by changing my behaviors, I am showing them at any age They have the same choice
That is the comfort I cling to
may yours seek that healthier choice too.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
Thank you 
they are good girls but I'm sure someplace inside no matter how much I worked to make up for the shortcomings of their alcoholic father - abusive to me too - they feel at times that I failed them. They have never become involved with drugs, one doesn't drink, the other has an occasional drink are not promiscuous but do have issues with trust and with me. It breaks my heart but I know that I always did the very best that I could and I suppose that's what matters ... hugs to you, Joie
they are good girls but I'm sure someplace inside no matter how much I worked to make up for the shortcomings of their alcoholic father - abusive to me too - they feel at times that I failed them. They have never become involved with drugs, one doesn't drink, the other has an occasional drink are not promiscuous but do have issues with trust and with me. It breaks my heart but I know that I always did the very best that I could and I suppose that's what matters ... hugs to you, Joie
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