Time Machine
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
Time Machine
I could not decide whether to post this here or in the newcomers section - tossed a coin and landed here.
This is not original thought, it was shared by Steve H. at my Nar-Anon homegroup. I thought it was profound and very true. Our homegroup is comprised almost exclusively of parents of addicts, most of our kids are in their early 20's and most are heroin addicts in varying states of recovery.
Some of the parents have been on the roller coaster for a long, long time; others are relative newcomers at 6 months to a year clean time for their kids, still others have kids that have just completed their first 30 day rehab stay - these are the real newbies.
Many of the newbies assume that "their kid went to rehab and is now fixed". It does not take them long to figure out that this may or may not be true.
The other belief which is widespread among the newbies is that, assuming that their kid stays clean -- everything will go back to being just like it was before heroin -- the Time Machine takes them all back to that period.
The Time Machine is activated as soon as their child quits using - and transports the addict and their loved ones back to the time before heroin arrived -- back to when everything was wonderful. The Time Machine hovers at that point in time and will remain as long as heroin stays away.
The Time Machine is a myth, a very popular myth, but still a myth.
Parents want the best for their kids and cling to hopes and dreams for them that their kid may not still share - if they ever did. So do not be surprised when you discover that your now clean kid no longer shares your vision for their future.
Remember also that your kid has felt things, done things and been places that you probably cannot even imagine while in active addiction - still more experiences during detox - still more every day as they fight their personal battle - your child can't possibly return via the Time Machine even if they wanted to.
Just accept that they are on their own journey and support and encourage them along their way. Love your addict; hate the disease.
Thanks for letting me share.
Jim
This is not original thought, it was shared by Steve H. at my Nar-Anon homegroup. I thought it was profound and very true. Our homegroup is comprised almost exclusively of parents of addicts, most of our kids are in their early 20's and most are heroin addicts in varying states of recovery.
Some of the parents have been on the roller coaster for a long, long time; others are relative newcomers at 6 months to a year clean time for their kids, still others have kids that have just completed their first 30 day rehab stay - these are the real newbies.
Many of the newbies assume that "their kid went to rehab and is now fixed". It does not take them long to figure out that this may or may not be true.
The other belief which is widespread among the newbies is that, assuming that their kid stays clean -- everything will go back to being just like it was before heroin -- the Time Machine takes them all back to that period.
The Time Machine is activated as soon as their child quits using - and transports the addict and their loved ones back to the time before heroin arrived -- back to when everything was wonderful. The Time Machine hovers at that point in time and will remain as long as heroin stays away.
The Time Machine is a myth, a very popular myth, but still a myth.
Parents want the best for their kids and cling to hopes and dreams for them that their kid may not still share - if they ever did. So do not be surprised when you discover that your now clean kid no longer shares your vision for their future.
Remember also that your kid has felt things, done things and been places that you probably cannot even imagine while in active addiction - still more experiences during detox - still more every day as they fight their personal battle - your child can't possibly return via the Time Machine even if they wanted to.
Just accept that they are on their own journey and support and encourage them along their way. Love your addict; hate the disease.
Thanks for letting me share.
Jim
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Jim, as a parent of an adult addict son, who has been on this journey for almost 20 years , I thank you for the clarity you have shared here, the "how it really is" put simply, how it is for us and for them.
And I am so in agreement about rehabs, they offer tools to survive but it's up to the addict to use them wisely. Any program, whether it costs $50,000 or is free, is about as good as the addicts willingness to embrace it and hang on as if their life depended on it...because it does. Neither offer a money back guarantee of life forever drug free...just tools, that's all they sell, tools and how to use them if the addict is willing to try.
I would like to add a brief thought about how it is when our addicted adult child continues to use and we progress in our own recover...this is often the case from where I sit.
The time machine doesn't work for my son or for me, as you stated. In our case, it would be searching for two times...his before addiction and mine before recovery, and it would self destruct, I think. We cannot go back, in my case it's too many years for one thing. Even without addiction in the equation, almost 20 years have passed, his estranged children (and my grandchildren) have grown up, I have grown older and faced the challenges that "over the hill but not dead yet" brings. He would probably be stuck emotionally at where he left off before addiction and have serious mental health issues brought on from so many years of drug use.
What makes my life as blessed as it is today where I embrace the beauty of each new day as I watch the sunrise...is faith. Each morning I say a prayer and give my son's care to God and then spend my day in faith that God can do what I cannot, and all is well.
I guess this is more than a brief thought...funny how I get carried away like that.
But thank you Jim for sharing something simple and clear...and a real life "how it is" for so many who don't get the "happily ever after" that we imagined, but still manage to live well today, in spite of what happened in the past.
Hugs
And I am so in agreement about rehabs, they offer tools to survive but it's up to the addict to use them wisely. Any program, whether it costs $50,000 or is free, is about as good as the addicts willingness to embrace it and hang on as if their life depended on it...because it does. Neither offer a money back guarantee of life forever drug free...just tools, that's all they sell, tools and how to use them if the addict is willing to try.
I would like to add a brief thought about how it is when our addicted adult child continues to use and we progress in our own recover...this is often the case from where I sit.
The time machine doesn't work for my son or for me, as you stated. In our case, it would be searching for two times...his before addiction and mine before recovery, and it would self destruct, I think. We cannot go back, in my case it's too many years for one thing. Even without addiction in the equation, almost 20 years have passed, his estranged children (and my grandchildren) have grown up, I have grown older and faced the challenges that "over the hill but not dead yet" brings. He would probably be stuck emotionally at where he left off before addiction and have serious mental health issues brought on from so many years of drug use.
What makes my life as blessed as it is today where I embrace the beauty of each new day as I watch the sunrise...is faith. Each morning I say a prayer and give my son's care to God and then spend my day in faith that God can do what I cannot, and all is well.
I guess this is more than a brief thought...funny how I get carried away like that.
But thank you Jim for sharing something simple and clear...and a real life "how it is" for so many who don't get the "happily ever after" that we imagined, but still manage to live well today, in spite of what happened in the past.
Hugs
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 37
Jim- Just what I needed this morning. Your words and thoughts are so true. After months of not speaking to my son (and many trips to jail for him) he once again attempted to rope me into his craziness. He used the belief that I still
believed in the "fantasy" of his life and therefore would surely help him again get out of the mess he has made of his life. I said no.
I no longer have a fantasy. It disappeared quite a while ago. After 5 years I finally understand that my son and I most likely will not have the relationship I dreamed about. And, I am at peace with that. Sad, but that is now my reality.
I do feel bad for the "newbie" parents. I wish this journey on no one.
Have a great weekend. Thanks again for the great post.
believed in the "fantasy" of his life and therefore would surely help him again get out of the mess he has made of his life. I said no.
I no longer have a fantasy. It disappeared quite a while ago. After 5 years I finally understand that my son and I most likely will not have the relationship I dreamed about. And, I am at peace with that. Sad, but that is now my reality.
I do feel bad for the "newbie" parents. I wish this journey on no one.
Have a great weekend. Thanks again for the great post.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 58
Thanks for posting this Jim. I'm currently going through this with a wife rather than a child, but it's the same story. Getting clean, or trying to get clean, doesn't make all the bad stuff go away magically; it just (hopefully) starts a brand new chapter that most likely won't resemble the life you remember before the drug came knocking. It's a really hard realization for people who have spent the last few months (years?) thinking to themselves "well once she's sober it will all be fine again." It's not a then-they-all-lived-happily-ever-after magic situation.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Thank you so much. I was that parent, the one who says "okay you are fixed" lets go back to NORMAL. 5.5 years and counting. No normal BUT I now respect and understand addiction and the challenges that my son will have for his life. I also learned that Mommy needed to move out of the picture before recovery could even be a possibility. Its very hard as a parent, but I am hopeful that with extended clean time under his belt (I expect at least one solid year of continuous sobriety), my son and I can have a new NORMAL relationship. One where I don't interfere and don't succumb to the manipulations and control issues. One where my son can stand on his own two feet, be a happy healthy young man who can visit his family and share in our fun times, but NOT be dependent on us.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
Ann said, "Any program, whether it costs $50,000 or is free, is about as good as the addicts willingness to embrace it and hang on as if their life depended on it...because it does."
True, true, true......
I suspect you would also agree with a statement that I have coined -- "Rehab is just like college........meaning that a person "gets out of rehab", exactly what they "put into it".
Jim
True, true, true......
I suspect you would also agree with a statement that I have coined -- "Rehab is just like college........meaning that a person "gets out of rehab", exactly what they "put into it".
Jim
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Yes, I completely agree. As for me, I have my PhD (Parental Handle on Denial) from the School of Hard Knocks...slow learner but well taught.
As for regrets about the past, I love the saying "Don't look back, you're not going there."
Full steam ahead...that's my mantra.
Thank you for a thought provoking thread.
As for regrets about the past, I love the saying "Don't look back, you're not going there."
Full steam ahead...that's my mantra.
Thank you for a thought provoking thread.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
i suppose this means clicking the heels of my ruby slippers won't take me HOME either. and there is NO flux capacitor on my DeLorean??????
damn. stuck in the now.
damn. stuck in the now.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Jim.....thanks for sharing! Great post. It's been a long time since I was a newbie but I remember that desire for things to be what they were before drugs entered the picture. But it's simply not possible. Addiction changes everyone it touches in such a penetrating way.......
Like Ann.....I also have a mantra. I often say......I have one gear.....and that's forward.
Thanks again for sharing......your thoughts may help someone along the line understand this important point and provide an "aha" moment.
Like Ann.....I also have a mantra. I often say......I have one gear.....and that's forward.
Thanks again for sharing......your thoughts may help someone along the line understand this important point and provide an "aha" moment.
●▬๑۩۩๑▬●
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
I've often heard/read "I just want the man I married back" or some other version of that.
No you don't.
Who they were led them to be who they are. Meaning something was amiss for them to turn to alcohol/drugs to fill a void.
And, same goes for our side. We're not here by happenstance.
There is no Wayback Machine. And personally, if I could go back, there isn't much I would change.
No you don't.
Who they were led them to be who they are. Meaning something was amiss for them to turn to alcohol/drugs to fill a void.
And, same goes for our side. We're not here by happenstance.
There is no Wayback Machine. And personally, if I could go back, there isn't much I would change.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Cynical wrote:
No you don't.
Who they were led them to be who they are. Meaning something was amiss for them to turn to alcohol/drugs to fill a void.
And, same goes for our side. We're not here by happenstance.
There is no Wayback Machine. And personally, if I could go back, there isn't much I would change.
=========
Me neither. I learned so much. Less about her
than about me. Our real selves are so much more
interesting than the facades we show the world.
No you don't.
Who they were led them to be who they are. Meaning something was amiss for them to turn to alcohol/drugs to fill a void.
And, same goes for our side. We're not here by happenstance.
There is no Wayback Machine. And personally, if I could go back, there isn't much I would change.
=========
Me neither. I learned so much. Less about her
than about me. Our real selves are so much more
interesting than the facades we show the world.
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