where the rubber meets the road...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
where the rubber meets the road...
Well SR family, this is it! Next week AH will be released from his 20 month long stay in the state prison. He has passed all of his drug tests during this time, and is being released early for good behavior.
We shall see if it lasts.
I must confess that I am cautiously hopeful. He has had plenty of opportunity to use where he is. The prisons in our state are flooded with opiates. I still have not let him return home. I purposely rented an apartment that would not add a felon to the lease. My dad said he can stay with him. I'm not sure if that was wise... maybe a sober house would have been better, but that's between them. I have put living together again on the back burner for now. My lease is not up until March. I can decide in the future.
His track record does not make me more hopeful. He always does well when he's locked in a box. Only time will tell. I'm so glad he won't be living with me right away!!! Does that make me a bad wife!? I told him I think I'm ready for marriage counselling, but I want him to date me all over again for the next year or so.
There are so many other things to work on besides our marriage! I never thought I would be able to say that. I need to get my GED and he needs to get a job. The children are still young, under 10 years old, and I don't want to miss what's left of their childhoods. There's ballet class to go to, and doctor's appointments to attend!
I'm not sure how much effort I want to put into this marriage that has been put on the back burner for nearly 2 years. We have stayed in contact through letters, he has called me on his dime. I visited a few times.
I guess I got comfortable with not having a front row seat in his life. I'm still in it... just somewhere in the nosebleeds.
Thanks for letting me vent. I believe that only time will reveal more.
We shall see if it lasts.
I must confess that I am cautiously hopeful. He has had plenty of opportunity to use where he is. The prisons in our state are flooded with opiates. I still have not let him return home. I purposely rented an apartment that would not add a felon to the lease. My dad said he can stay with him. I'm not sure if that was wise... maybe a sober house would have been better, but that's between them. I have put living together again on the back burner for now. My lease is not up until March. I can decide in the future.
His track record does not make me more hopeful. He always does well when he's locked in a box. Only time will tell. I'm so glad he won't be living with me right away!!! Does that make me a bad wife!? I told him I think I'm ready for marriage counselling, but I want him to date me all over again for the next year or so.
There are so many other things to work on besides our marriage! I never thought I would be able to say that. I need to get my GED and he needs to get a job. The children are still young, under 10 years old, and I don't want to miss what's left of their childhoods. There's ballet class to go to, and doctor's appointments to attend!
I'm not sure how much effort I want to put into this marriage that has been put on the back burner for nearly 2 years. We have stayed in contact through letters, he has called me on his dime. I visited a few times.
I guess I got comfortable with not having a front row seat in his life. I'm still in it... just somewhere in the nosebleeds.
Thanks for letting me vent. I believe that only time will reveal more.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Lily, your plan sounds good...except maybe the part about living with your father but that's between them as you said.
I think you will know fairly quickly if this relationship can be salvaged or if it is already too broken to fix. Keep your recovery strong, if you go to meetings keep doing that, and surround yourself with support.
For everyone's sake, I hope this all turns out well. Sometimes our stories do have happy endings.
Hugs
I think you will know fairly quickly if this relationship can be salvaged or if it is already too broken to fix. Keep your recovery strong, if you go to meetings keep doing that, and surround yourself with support.
For everyone's sake, I hope this all turns out well. Sometimes our stories do have happy endings.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
I have a friend, let's call her K, who had a happy ending even though her husband did not. She gives me hope.
He relapsed again about 4 years ago. She told him it was her or the drugs. He was the one to file for divorce. The separated fairly easily because there were no children involved. She finished college and became a social worker for young disadvantaged children. She went to Paris last year. She goes on vacation and she won the dog in civil court!
My sponsor always uses the Metaphor of Jurassic Park, and that helps me. Addiction is like a velociraptor. It opens doors you thought were locked, it tests the fences when you feed it. It's lethal. I just talked to her today, and she reminded me to have "electrified fence boundaries"
I will not help an adult pay their bills
I will not allow a person (any person) on parole to be alone with my children (they aren't his kids. No legal right to them anyways)
I will not allow drugs in my home
I am not anyone's counsellor
I am not anyone's bank
I will put on my own oxygen mask first
"No" is a complete sentence
He relapsed again about 4 years ago. She told him it was her or the drugs. He was the one to file for divorce. The separated fairly easily because there were no children involved. She finished college and became a social worker for young disadvantaged children. She went to Paris last year. She goes on vacation and she won the dog in civil court!
My sponsor always uses the Metaphor of Jurassic Park, and that helps me. Addiction is like a velociraptor. It opens doors you thought were locked, it tests the fences when you feed it. It's lethal. I just talked to her today, and she reminded me to have "electrified fence boundaries"
I will not help an adult pay their bills
I will not allow a person (any person) on parole to be alone with my children (they aren't his kids. No legal right to them anyways)
I will not allow drugs in my home
I am not anyone's counsellor
I am not anyone's bank
I will put on my own oxygen mask first
"No" is a complete sentence
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
Lily1918,
After I read your OP, I was going to ask if you were working a program of some sort......then I read this......
"My sponsor always uses the Metaphor of Jurassic Park, and that helps me. Addiction is like a velociraptor. It opens doors you thought were locked, it tests the fences when you feed it. It's lethal. I just talked to her today, and she reminded me to have "electrified fence boundaries" "
I said to self - well she has a sponsor so she must be involved in a program, but does she really "get it"?
Then I read this:
"I will not help an adult pay their bills
I will not allow a person (any person) on parole to be alone with my children (they aren't his kids. No legal right to them anyways)
I will not allow drugs in my home
I am not anyone's counsellor
I am not anyone's bank
I will put on my own oxygen mask first
"No" is a complete sentence"
Self said, "Oh yeah, she DOES have a program and YES she gets it!"
Hang in there, stay strong and keep coming back.
Jim
After I read your OP, I was going to ask if you were working a program of some sort......then I read this......
"My sponsor always uses the Metaphor of Jurassic Park, and that helps me. Addiction is like a velociraptor. It opens doors you thought were locked, it tests the fences when you feed it. It's lethal. I just talked to her today, and she reminded me to have "electrified fence boundaries" "
I said to self - well she has a sponsor so she must be involved in a program, but does she really "get it"?
Then I read this:
"I will not help an adult pay their bills
I will not allow a person (any person) on parole to be alone with my children (they aren't his kids. No legal right to them anyways)
I will not allow drugs in my home
I am not anyone's counsellor
I am not anyone's bank
I will put on my own oxygen mask first
"No" is a complete sentence"
Self said, "Oh yeah, she DOES have a program and YES she gets it!"
Hang in there, stay strong and keep coming back.
Jim
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I believe that only time will reveal more.
Keep your eyes open. Given his history, words do not mean anything.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
You sound good Lily. You will be ok. Hell I think by now that you know exactly what there is to lose if you aren't. Everything about you and the kids as it should be. I love the idea of dating again. My husband and I did something similar, getting to know each other again outside the dysfunction and insanity we both seems to do very well in, drugs or not in the mix. Who knew we could do healthy together, but then we did do sick so well 
(((Hugs)))
(((Hugs)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Two weeks have gone by, and so far so good I suppose.
He's enrolled in his outpatient treatment, and has his own counsellor. In addition, he has made a couple of new friends from our church who are clean, good working men. As of right now I don't see any disappearing acts or vanishing money or valuables.
I did put the cost of his cell phone on my card before he was released as a surprise. It was about $30. In return he did my oil change and filled all of my fluids without being asked. The cost would have been the same. He's gone to one job interview so far, and has filled out several apps.
He cannot get food assistance in our state, so he asked me how to navigate the food banks for now, and where they are.
I am still living my life very much the same as when he was gone. I have put a minimum 6 month restriction on being unsupervised with the children.
I did however, make a concession for the dog. It is my dog. He is about 7 months old. I need someone to walk him and feed him while I am at work, and AH asked for the opportunity. Yesterday, he forgot to walk him in time and the poor pup left him a nice brown "present" in his crate. He texted me all upset because the fur baby had rolled around in it and made a real mess. I replied "well... You wanted the responsibility... Give him a bath and clean the crate" he replied it was "so disgusting" but did not complain, apologized to me and gave the dog some treats and a nice long walk to the park.
I came home to a nice clean dog in the end, but I do feel it was confirmation that he is not ready to be alone with he kids yet. Let's see how he does babysitting the dog as time goes on.
He's enrolled in his outpatient treatment, and has his own counsellor. In addition, he has made a couple of new friends from our church who are clean, good working men. As of right now I don't see any disappearing acts or vanishing money or valuables.
I did put the cost of his cell phone on my card before he was released as a surprise. It was about $30. In return he did my oil change and filled all of my fluids without being asked. The cost would have been the same. He's gone to one job interview so far, and has filled out several apps.
He cannot get food assistance in our state, so he asked me how to navigate the food banks for now, and where they are.
I am still living my life very much the same as when he was gone. I have put a minimum 6 month restriction on being unsupervised with the children.
I did however, make a concession for the dog. It is my dog. He is about 7 months old. I need someone to walk him and feed him while I am at work, and AH asked for the opportunity. Yesterday, he forgot to walk him in time and the poor pup left him a nice brown "present" in his crate. He texted me all upset because the fur baby had rolled around in it and made a real mess. I replied "well... You wanted the responsibility... Give him a bath and clean the crate" he replied it was "so disgusting" but did not complain, apologized to me and gave the dog some treats and a nice long walk to the park.
I came home to a nice clean dog in the end, but I do feel it was confirmation that he is not ready to be alone with he kids yet. Let's see how he does babysitting the dog as time goes on.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Plant, fish, hamster/guinea pig, dog, kid.
(If any die or are mistreated, DO NOT GO TO NEXT LEVEL)
---just being practical. Escalating consequences, to whit:
plant: garbage (big deal/so what)
fish: toilet (see above)
rodent: needs burial+some words "sorry Ratty" (see above)
dog: this is getting serious (an ACTUAL big deal)
kid: this IS serious (catastrophic/uncontained)
(If any die or are mistreated, DO NOT GO TO NEXT LEVEL)
---just being practical. Escalating consequences, to whit:
plant: garbage (big deal/so what)
fish: toilet (see above)
rodent: needs burial+some words "sorry Ratty" (see above)
dog: this is getting serious (an ACTUAL big deal)
kid: this IS serious (catastrophic/uncontained)
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I should not be laughing, but Vale, you just crack me up!!!!
I do think he should continue to take care of the dog if no further incidents happen. I am a firm believer that dogs are therapy, and that people need to take care of another person or being as it is just in our nature. Dogs are also wonderful fur creatures who teach empathy, responsibility, and listen without judging, ever.
Glad that he seems to be doing the right things. Even more glad to hear you so grounded and positive for yourself!!!!
XXX
I do think he should continue to take care of the dog if no further incidents happen. I am a firm believer that dogs are therapy, and that people need to take care of another person or being as it is just in our nature. Dogs are also wonderful fur creatures who teach empathy, responsibility, and listen without judging, ever.
Glad that he seems to be doing the right things. Even more glad to hear you so grounded and positive for yourself!!!!
XXX
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