A Letter to my Husband (could be long)
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A Letter to my Husband (could be long)
My Love,
The day we met, at that 14-hour BBQ two years ago, I had no idea what was to come; I mean, after telling you that I wasn't attracted to you and we could only be friends, I was the last person to think that we'd end up together, let alone married. We had dinner, just as friends of course...but the connection was unmistakable. We laughed till we cried, and then later that night we were on the phone for 5 hours...2 months later, you told your cousin that I was the one, remember? You were so sure, I wasn't...but your kindness, generosity and stupidity won me over eventually.
Within a year of meeting you, we dated, moved in together, got engaged and got married; some said it was too fast, but we didn't care because we knew it was right. I mean, women spend most of their lives asking God to send them a good man...so when God sent mine, it didn't make sense not marrying him lol.
I remember you telling me that you like a smoke and a drink every now and again, which didn't really bother me that much cause let's face it...in our area everyone does, except me lol. But you offered one day, I took it, and every now and again I'd join you...completely harmless I thought, till it wasn't every now and again, it was everyday. I didn't notice the increase at first, it was gradual and I wasn't the one buying, I left it all to you...but then I started to realise that not only were you buying more than normal, but it wasn't lasting as long anymore. I remember asking you about it, and you got really defensive, saying that you'd told me you like it...like that was supposed to explain everything. So I let it go...not my greatest idea.
Fast forward to 6 months into our marriage, what's supposed to be the honeymoon phase...well for me it was a nightmare. If you didn't get the drugs and alcohol, you became angry, irritable, and pretty horrible; I convinced myself that it was ok because you never hit me, never stole from me, never hid it from me, and besides, your depression, anxiety and personality disorder were the real problem...yeah, alright. I lost one of my jobs, almost got kicked out of university, became officially underweight for the first time ever, all due to the stress and numerous depressive episodes I had...before I met you, I hadn't had an episode for over ten years. But I thought that if I just held on a little longer, everything would be ok...that's what wives do, right? We hold on, pick up the pieces, try to make everything ok cause let's face it, if your wife can't help you then there's something wrong with her, right?
I went to my mum's twice, but I always came home because I knew that you loved me, we would make it work, and I was not about to walk out on a marriage that had barely started. Then it got to the stage where enough was enough, and I told you either you went to rehab or we were done...and you went. 3 months of hell - we still argued, you still snapped over little things, but you were getting help...while I was stuck at home with the bad memories and an addiction I didn't ask for. But I kicked the smoke, all by myself, and patiently waited for the day my husband would come home to me; I honestly don't know how I made it through, and we both know you did not make it any easier. But the day finally came when you came home and didn't have to leave again...and I thought this is it, this is our new start; you'd always said your problems were due to drink and drugs so we figured that it wouldn't be a bed of roses but it would certainly be easier...God I feel like such a fool. Our 1st wedding anniversary in Morocco, the actual day of our anniversary, and we spent it fighting...I will never be able to erase the memory of standing alone on a roof terrace in a foreign country crying my eyes out. We made up of course, we came home, and tried to figure out how to carry on.
I expected stumbles, I expected it to be difficult to adjust to this new life, for both of us...what I didn't expect was for my worst fear to come true. 2 weeks out of rehab and you started smoking and drinking - the past 3 months were for nothing and I was completely devastated. I tried talking, yelling, crying, even tried the guilt-trip...I felt like I had failed, because I help people for a living, so why couldn't I help you? The arguments, the talks...it was same old sh!t, different toilet. I wanted to leave, I wanted to just pack up and leave your sorry ass behind with all the bad memories...but something stopped me, something which is the greatest source of human strength and it's greatest weakness...hope. Hope can be debilitating, because while you still have hope, you can't let go...and you're paralyzed, almost literally. Hope that you'll change, hope that I'll find some way to make everything ok again, hope that one day we'll look back on this part of our journey as a lesson...it's hope that crushes me.
You rang me yesterday, to tell me that you loved me, that you meant what you'd said the other night; you hate what you've become, you can't make it without me, you need me to believe you.... and to my surprise, you didn't drink or smoke yesterday; there's that flaming hope again. But I know you'll probably have a smoke tonight...and for the first time, that's ok with me. I know now that it's your choice, that nothing I say or do will change what happens...this is a battle you have to fight alone my love. I've realised that wife doesn't mean mug, or pushover, or I-better-fix-this...it means that I'm not your mother. It means you're big enough to make your own mistakes, and you're big enough to deal with the consequences...right now, I need to get my head right. I need to focus on reclaiming all the things I've lost since we met - my sanity, health, career, family and friends...and that means no more arguments, no more looks of disappointment, no more coddling you or telling you that it's ok because it's not your fault.
Please understand, I do not regret marrying you, and I would do it again in a heartbeat - I love you with everything that I am. But right now, everything I am isn't a lot I'm afraid, and I need to fix that; it doesn't mean that you don't matter anymore, it just means that it's all about me for a change. Everyone acts like the world revolves around the addict, it's all about their suffering and their pain that they're masking etc etc...you think it's bad having this disease, you should try being with someone who has it cause let me assure you it's no flaming walk in the park. The fact we're still together has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. The fact that I haven't shot you in the balls or stuck a pen in your eye socket is a show of my willpower and character, not yours. And of course, the fact that I would not do well in prison.
I think it's my time now, and this site has shown me that that's ok...putting myself first isn't selfish, horrible or out of order...it is necessary. Because without me to have your back, you wouldn't have even come this far, and we both know it. And seeing as you can't help someone when you're less than 100%, I'm going to take some time out and remind myself of who I am, what I need and what I will (and will not) put up with. You tried to fix things, and for that I am eternally grateful, and you're still trying which means the world to me...but it's my turn now.
Love you to the stars and beyond,
Minx xxx
The day we met, at that 14-hour BBQ two years ago, I had no idea what was to come; I mean, after telling you that I wasn't attracted to you and we could only be friends, I was the last person to think that we'd end up together, let alone married. We had dinner, just as friends of course...but the connection was unmistakable. We laughed till we cried, and then later that night we were on the phone for 5 hours...2 months later, you told your cousin that I was the one, remember? You were so sure, I wasn't...but your kindness, generosity and stupidity won me over eventually.
Within a year of meeting you, we dated, moved in together, got engaged and got married; some said it was too fast, but we didn't care because we knew it was right. I mean, women spend most of their lives asking God to send them a good man...so when God sent mine, it didn't make sense not marrying him lol.
I remember you telling me that you like a smoke and a drink every now and again, which didn't really bother me that much cause let's face it...in our area everyone does, except me lol. But you offered one day, I took it, and every now and again I'd join you...completely harmless I thought, till it wasn't every now and again, it was everyday. I didn't notice the increase at first, it was gradual and I wasn't the one buying, I left it all to you...but then I started to realise that not only were you buying more than normal, but it wasn't lasting as long anymore. I remember asking you about it, and you got really defensive, saying that you'd told me you like it...like that was supposed to explain everything. So I let it go...not my greatest idea.
Fast forward to 6 months into our marriage, what's supposed to be the honeymoon phase...well for me it was a nightmare. If you didn't get the drugs and alcohol, you became angry, irritable, and pretty horrible; I convinced myself that it was ok because you never hit me, never stole from me, never hid it from me, and besides, your depression, anxiety and personality disorder were the real problem...yeah, alright. I lost one of my jobs, almost got kicked out of university, became officially underweight for the first time ever, all due to the stress and numerous depressive episodes I had...before I met you, I hadn't had an episode for over ten years. But I thought that if I just held on a little longer, everything would be ok...that's what wives do, right? We hold on, pick up the pieces, try to make everything ok cause let's face it, if your wife can't help you then there's something wrong with her, right?
I went to my mum's twice, but I always came home because I knew that you loved me, we would make it work, and I was not about to walk out on a marriage that had barely started. Then it got to the stage where enough was enough, and I told you either you went to rehab or we were done...and you went. 3 months of hell - we still argued, you still snapped over little things, but you were getting help...while I was stuck at home with the bad memories and an addiction I didn't ask for. But I kicked the smoke, all by myself, and patiently waited for the day my husband would come home to me; I honestly don't know how I made it through, and we both know you did not make it any easier. But the day finally came when you came home and didn't have to leave again...and I thought this is it, this is our new start; you'd always said your problems were due to drink and drugs so we figured that it wouldn't be a bed of roses but it would certainly be easier...God I feel like such a fool. Our 1st wedding anniversary in Morocco, the actual day of our anniversary, and we spent it fighting...I will never be able to erase the memory of standing alone on a roof terrace in a foreign country crying my eyes out. We made up of course, we came home, and tried to figure out how to carry on.
I expected stumbles, I expected it to be difficult to adjust to this new life, for both of us...what I didn't expect was for my worst fear to come true. 2 weeks out of rehab and you started smoking and drinking - the past 3 months were for nothing and I was completely devastated. I tried talking, yelling, crying, even tried the guilt-trip...I felt like I had failed, because I help people for a living, so why couldn't I help you? The arguments, the talks...it was same old sh!t, different toilet. I wanted to leave, I wanted to just pack up and leave your sorry ass behind with all the bad memories...but something stopped me, something which is the greatest source of human strength and it's greatest weakness...hope. Hope can be debilitating, because while you still have hope, you can't let go...and you're paralyzed, almost literally. Hope that you'll change, hope that I'll find some way to make everything ok again, hope that one day we'll look back on this part of our journey as a lesson...it's hope that crushes me.
You rang me yesterday, to tell me that you loved me, that you meant what you'd said the other night; you hate what you've become, you can't make it without me, you need me to believe you.... and to my surprise, you didn't drink or smoke yesterday; there's that flaming hope again. But I know you'll probably have a smoke tonight...and for the first time, that's ok with me. I know now that it's your choice, that nothing I say or do will change what happens...this is a battle you have to fight alone my love. I've realised that wife doesn't mean mug, or pushover, or I-better-fix-this...it means that I'm not your mother. It means you're big enough to make your own mistakes, and you're big enough to deal with the consequences...right now, I need to get my head right. I need to focus on reclaiming all the things I've lost since we met - my sanity, health, career, family and friends...and that means no more arguments, no more looks of disappointment, no more coddling you or telling you that it's ok because it's not your fault.
Please understand, I do not regret marrying you, and I would do it again in a heartbeat - I love you with everything that I am. But right now, everything I am isn't a lot I'm afraid, and I need to fix that; it doesn't mean that you don't matter anymore, it just means that it's all about me for a change. Everyone acts like the world revolves around the addict, it's all about their suffering and their pain that they're masking etc etc...you think it's bad having this disease, you should try being with someone who has it cause let me assure you it's no flaming walk in the park. The fact we're still together has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. The fact that I haven't shot you in the balls or stuck a pen in your eye socket is a show of my willpower and character, not yours. And of course, the fact that I would not do well in prison.
I think it's my time now, and this site has shown me that that's ok...putting myself first isn't selfish, horrible or out of order...it is necessary. Because without me to have your back, you wouldn't have even come this far, and we both know it. And seeing as you can't help someone when you're less than 100%, I'm going to take some time out and remind myself of who I am, what I need and what I will (and will not) put up with. You tried to fix things, and for that I am eternally grateful, and you're still trying which means the world to me...but it's my turn now.
Love you to the stars and beyond,
Minx xxx
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Join Date: Jul 2015
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Nothing has changed except me lol. I haven't showed it to him, wasn't planning to to be honest...I just needed to let it out I think, I need to stop holding it all in just so that he doesn't have to feel it, y'know?
He's a good man, and he's trying...and right now I can't ask for more than that. So we're going to take things one day at a time, and maybe I will show it to him, who knows...but it wasn't for him, it was for me. And I feel free, kind of serene really...I've just had enough of fighting it, as Jon said in his post (about addicts) there's nothing I can do or say so I won't anymore. What will be, will be; I know that it doesn't all depend on me and what I do or don't say/do. I think it's that realisation that has freed me, so now I can try and rebuild what has been lost; things will never be as they were so I'm going to stop trying to make it like it was before...we're going to make it better. :-)
He's a good man, and he's trying...and right now I can't ask for more than that. So we're going to take things one day at a time, and maybe I will show it to him, who knows...but it wasn't for him, it was for me. And I feel free, kind of serene really...I've just had enough of fighting it, as Jon said in his post (about addicts) there's nothing I can do or say so I won't anymore. What will be, will be; I know that it doesn't all depend on me and what I do or don't say/do. I think it's that realisation that has freed me, so now I can try and rebuild what has been lost; things will never be as they were so I'm going to stop trying to make it like it was before...we're going to make it better. :-)
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Originally Posted by MrsMyaMinx 
And I feel free, kind of serene really...I've just had enough of fighting it, as Jon said in his post (about addicts) there's nothing I can do or say so I won't anymore. What will be, will be; I know that it doesn't all depend on me and what I do or don't say/do. I think it's that realisation that has freed me, so now I can try and rebuild what has been lost;
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
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"I love you with everything that I am. But right now, everything I am isn't a lot I'm afraid, and I need to fix that..."
YES. Holy crap. YES. It has taken me nearly the entire 2 years of our marriage (which sounds, in many ways, very similar to yours-my exAH's favorite excuse is "Well, you knew about all of this before you married me...but you did it anyway.") to realise that I am not as much or as happy or as fulfilled as I should and can and deserve to be when I'm with him.
Best of luck...it sounds like you're finally ready to do you.
YES. Holy crap. YES. It has taken me nearly the entire 2 years of our marriage (which sounds, in many ways, very similar to yours-my exAH's favorite excuse is "Well, you knew about all of this before you married me...but you did it anyway.") to realise that I am not as much or as happy or as fulfilled as I should and can and deserve to be when I'm with him.
Best of luck...it sounds like you're finally ready to do you.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
Thank you MrsMyaMinx of London ... well written. A beautiful post that I think so many will find themselves in. I hope that things in your life become something beautiful and you will save and share this note with others. For now, it feels good to set your worry ... free. Hugs for you. Joie
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Join Date: Jul 2015
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In all honesty, I think I realised this almost from the beginning...it's just taken me this long to realise that it's ok. I was pretty much consumed by this belief that because I'm his wife, I simply have to fix everything. I mean it's what wives do, right? I felt as though his failures as a husband were because of my failures as a wife, and I know how twisted that sounds, but at the time it made complete sense. How many men have you heard saying "and to my lovely wife, I couldn't have done any of this without you" or "the wife handles all of that"...when there's a problem, the wife fixes it in spite of how she's feeling or thinking or anything. I've always known that I need to take care of myself too, I'm always telling clients to take care of themselves...I know now that putting myself isn't being selfish and that's the weight that's lifted from my shoulders. He's always been my number 1, but right now I need to be my number 1.
Originally Posted by Refiner
That is just awesome. How long did it take you on your journey before you got to this freeing realization? I'm happy for you. And you're right about maybe giving him the letter, and maybe not. It was done for YOU. I'm a champion about journaling. It really does help you release what gets pent up!
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Thank you, and yes with the "you knew before you married me" bull...you weren't a flaming addict before though were ya smartass?! Ugh, I rue the day I said that his "occasional indulgence" was ok. Rookie mistake I guess lol.
Make sure you take time out for you too...it's not an easy road, but I can honestly say I'm more relaxed these days than I have been in a while. I've even gone back to colouring books and believe me, that is so unbelievably relaxing it should be illegal; grab some colouring pencils and go crazy, just stop thinking and colour fora while and you'll feel great. Best wishes!
Make sure you take time out for you too...it's not an easy road, but I can honestly say I'm more relaxed these days than I have been in a while. I've even gone back to colouring books and believe me, that is so unbelievably relaxing it should be illegal; grab some colouring pencils and go crazy, just stop thinking and colour fora while and you'll feel great. Best wishes!
Originally Posted by mnh1982
"I love you with everything that I am. But right now, everything I am isn't a lot I'm afraid, and I need to fix that..."
YES. Holy crap. YES. It has taken me nearly the entire 2 years of our marriage (which sounds, in many ways, very similar to yours-my exAH's favorite excuse is "Well, you knew about all of this before you married me...but you did it anyway.") to realise that I am not as much or as happy or as fulfilled as I should and can and deserve to be when I'm with him.
Best of luck...it sounds like you're finally ready to do you.
YES. Holy crap. YES. It has taken me nearly the entire 2 years of our marriage (which sounds, in many ways, very similar to yours-my exAH's favorite excuse is "Well, you knew about all of this before you married me...but you did it anyway.") to realise that I am not as much or as happy or as fulfilled as I should and can and deserve to be when I'm with him.
Best of luck...it sounds like you're finally ready to do you.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
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Thank you for your kind, beautiful words Joie! I stopped thinking and let my fingers flow lol...I didn't think it would be that long so congrats to those who read it all!
I've just read it back and I can honestly say that I've kept true to myself...no arguments, I've not stressed about it...well not much lol. I simply can't afford to keep playing with my health and sanity and everything else, so I'm just trying to remain as serene as possible. Obviously being broke and finding out that he may have cost me my second year at uni and I may have to redo the ENTIRE FLAMING YEAR haven't helped, but one day at a time.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOSAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! :-)
I've just read it back and I can honestly say that I've kept true to myself...no arguments, I've not stressed about it...well not much lol. I simply can't afford to keep playing with my health and sanity and everything else, so I'm just trying to remain as serene as possible. Obviously being broke and finding out that he may have cost me my second year at uni and I may have to redo the ENTIRE FLAMING YEAR haven't helped, but one day at a time.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOSAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! :-)
Originally Posted by JOIE12
Thank you MrsMyaMinx of London ... well written. A beautiful post that I think so many will find themselves in. I hope that things in your life become something beautiful and you will save and share this note with others. For now, it feels good to set your worry ... free. Hugs for you. Joie
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