Addictions + lies + abuse = marriage hell
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Join Date: Jul 2015
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Addictions + lies + abuse = marriage hell
I moved to the US when I was 18 for college and made a great life for myself. By the time I was 29, I was independent, successful, making almost 6 figures, dating around, happy and a catch (or I thought I was). I met the guy of my dreams in the 33 year old divorced American man in a bar (lol), and married within 6 months. We have been married 5 and a 1/2 years, have a 2 yr old son and I am in hell. I have been in a sick twisted marriage with a sick mental and physical abuser who has endangered my life more than a few times.
We have been more or less separated for the last 2 years though. And now I just want to be done.
Started as a dream, just me, him and his 2 year old daughter from his last marriage. But yes red flags were there like bad credit, things family members said, some incidents, etc. Then I started seeing him finish a bottle of wine in a sitting and then having frequent blackouts. If I didnt manage to somehow drag his 220 pound body onto the bed, he would scream and rage at me when he was conscious. Then when I protested the drinking, the alcohol hiding began. Bottles, glasses hidden in places, almost like he didn't care if I found them. The nasty fighting, verbal and physical abuse also started full swing. I was called a word I knew was bad..."a ****"??? What the heck, why was I being called a body part? I later realized its the name he assigns to what he disrespects the most and objectifies. I honestly now think, that is all he sees me as, and wants me to remain that, not a human being with feelings, opinions who should be treated with respect.
He also started off the marriage with mental games and jealousy. He sent himself an email from another address with the words "Watch out, your chik is still on Eharmony", and then showed it to me, probably to see how I was going to react. I cried in shock and asked him who would lie about me like that, and he said a friend had sent it to him, and I found out the truth later. That is a small example of just the beginning. More of these nasty sick events happened than I can ever fully describe. Highlights include almost breaking my neck by pushing me off the bed, and dragging me off by one leg. Slapping, kicking and pushing me multiple times while I was 7 months pregnant (this incident made me suicidal from the humiliation and disrespect), destroying my car by driving it drunk and trying to get it totaled so that he could collect the insurance money, body slamming me against a door while I begged him not to and was carrying hot coffee, throwing hot sauce at my face, lying to the police that I stole his wallet to try and get me arrested (instead the police that had responded to my domestic violence call half hour earlier arrested him and put him in jail for 2 nights only because I hadn't pressed charges. During separations he has slept with multiple other women, but I suspect he pursued (and may have slept with, but I am not sure) with a woman at his work.
Anyway, it has been hell, it sounds almost like a joke. All of this while he has never given up abusing drugs or alcohol. Everything from marijuana, heroine, codeine, ambien, xanax, valium, etc etc etc if it could give him a high, he had it and liked making cocktails with alcohol. In one separation, he started Narcotics Anonymous and therapy for physical abuse, but I later found out that he was lying and having alcohol/drugs the whole time anyway and never stopped being physically abusive. I have left many times and also stood by him and forgiven him more times than I can count.
Also as the years went by, I also started becoming like him and got aggressive started throwing things at him, started calling him a '****' instead and became verbally abusive. I am not proud of who I had become, and also some of the things my toddler son has seen including his father slapping me.
So you ask, how come I am so stupid that I did not leave a very long time ago? I have no answer, mostly just hope I guess that someday God would help me and things would change. Nothing changed. I am getting worse and extremely mentally disturbed now myself as well. I get panic attacks in front of people, I feel panic at the thought of leaving my son at home or in daycare and going to a job. Right now I am living at my parents house (free rent and food) and make a little money online freelancing now and then. I also crave drinking now to not feel as much pain or just forget for while. I take some valium now and then so I can get a nights sleep, but my sleep is also very disturbed and I get frequent nightmares.
I want to finally leave him now, its time. I am starting to see a psychotherpaist, which I can barely afford, but if I don't, I am scared of the alternative. I didn't mention before that I ran away from the US and back to my native country to get away from him, but he followed me here (with my blessing), but now won't leave no matter what I say to him. I have the protection of my parents, and am trying to end things slowly and amicably. I have tried the sudden no contact approach before, and he ends up being pretty terrifying in his stalking. Laws are not the same here where I can get him arrested and its a very small community. I would no rather do this discreetly for the sake of my son and family peace. I think he still thinks I will eventually be back, like I have countless times before, and is waiting. I wonder how long he is going to wait before things get scary again. Now I converse with him minimally, he comes to see his son in my parents living room and I only talk about necessities if at all. But yesterday he burst into my room and screamed "What the **** are you doing to our marriage you bitch!!!" I calmly asked him to leave. Then he sent e texts saying how much he loves me and how horny he is. And I felt my heart in my stomach and panicked again. I cannot believe how much he affects me, that sick feeling stayed all day.
This may take a while, but it needs to end, it just needs to end. My fear of being single is now small in comparison to what I may face with this man for the rest of my life. My fears of not having money Ialso seem small, I will make do. So much better than being humiliated and suffering his ugly unpredictable mood changes, temper, small mind and never ending lies.
I need some help on how to cope right now and get to a place of being strong again so that I can raise my son alone and become financially independent again. Also so mentally strong that this sick man just cannot affect me anymore.
We have been more or less separated for the last 2 years though. And now I just want to be done.
Started as a dream, just me, him and his 2 year old daughter from his last marriage. But yes red flags were there like bad credit, things family members said, some incidents, etc. Then I started seeing him finish a bottle of wine in a sitting and then having frequent blackouts. If I didnt manage to somehow drag his 220 pound body onto the bed, he would scream and rage at me when he was conscious. Then when I protested the drinking, the alcohol hiding began. Bottles, glasses hidden in places, almost like he didn't care if I found them. The nasty fighting, verbal and physical abuse also started full swing. I was called a word I knew was bad..."a ****"??? What the heck, why was I being called a body part? I later realized its the name he assigns to what he disrespects the most and objectifies. I honestly now think, that is all he sees me as, and wants me to remain that, not a human being with feelings, opinions who should be treated with respect.
He also started off the marriage with mental games and jealousy. He sent himself an email from another address with the words "Watch out, your chik is still on Eharmony", and then showed it to me, probably to see how I was going to react. I cried in shock and asked him who would lie about me like that, and he said a friend had sent it to him, and I found out the truth later. That is a small example of just the beginning. More of these nasty sick events happened than I can ever fully describe. Highlights include almost breaking my neck by pushing me off the bed, and dragging me off by one leg. Slapping, kicking and pushing me multiple times while I was 7 months pregnant (this incident made me suicidal from the humiliation and disrespect), destroying my car by driving it drunk and trying to get it totaled so that he could collect the insurance money, body slamming me against a door while I begged him not to and was carrying hot coffee, throwing hot sauce at my face, lying to the police that I stole his wallet to try and get me arrested (instead the police that had responded to my domestic violence call half hour earlier arrested him and put him in jail for 2 nights only because I hadn't pressed charges. During separations he has slept with multiple other women, but I suspect he pursued (and may have slept with, but I am not sure) with a woman at his work.
Anyway, it has been hell, it sounds almost like a joke. All of this while he has never given up abusing drugs or alcohol. Everything from marijuana, heroine, codeine, ambien, xanax, valium, etc etc etc if it could give him a high, he had it and liked making cocktails with alcohol. In one separation, he started Narcotics Anonymous and therapy for physical abuse, but I later found out that he was lying and having alcohol/drugs the whole time anyway and never stopped being physically abusive. I have left many times and also stood by him and forgiven him more times than I can count.
Also as the years went by, I also started becoming like him and got aggressive started throwing things at him, started calling him a '****' instead and became verbally abusive. I am not proud of who I had become, and also some of the things my toddler son has seen including his father slapping me.
So you ask, how come I am so stupid that I did not leave a very long time ago? I have no answer, mostly just hope I guess that someday God would help me and things would change. Nothing changed. I am getting worse and extremely mentally disturbed now myself as well. I get panic attacks in front of people, I feel panic at the thought of leaving my son at home or in daycare and going to a job. Right now I am living at my parents house (free rent and food) and make a little money online freelancing now and then. I also crave drinking now to not feel as much pain or just forget for while. I take some valium now and then so I can get a nights sleep, but my sleep is also very disturbed and I get frequent nightmares.
I want to finally leave him now, its time. I am starting to see a psychotherpaist, which I can barely afford, but if I don't, I am scared of the alternative. I didn't mention before that I ran away from the US and back to my native country to get away from him, but he followed me here (with my blessing), but now won't leave no matter what I say to him. I have the protection of my parents, and am trying to end things slowly and amicably. I have tried the sudden no contact approach before, and he ends up being pretty terrifying in his stalking. Laws are not the same here where I can get him arrested and its a very small community. I would no rather do this discreetly for the sake of my son and family peace. I think he still thinks I will eventually be back, like I have countless times before, and is waiting. I wonder how long he is going to wait before things get scary again. Now I converse with him minimally, he comes to see his son in my parents living room and I only talk about necessities if at all. But yesterday he burst into my room and screamed "What the **** are you doing to our marriage you bitch!!!" I calmly asked him to leave. Then he sent e texts saying how much he loves me and how horny he is. And I felt my heart in my stomach and panicked again. I cannot believe how much he affects me, that sick feeling stayed all day.
This may take a while, but it needs to end, it just needs to end. My fear of being single is now small in comparison to what I may face with this man for the rest of my life. My fears of not having money Ialso seem small, I will make do. So much better than being humiliated and suffering his ugly unpredictable mood changes, temper, small mind and never ending lies.
I need some help on how to cope right now and get to a place of being strong again so that I can raise my son alone and become financially independent again. Also so mentally strong that this sick man just cannot affect me anymore.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Sadsittingduck, this is terrible abuse from a man who is certainly an addict/alcoholic and may be a psychopath as well.
When we live with someone who is so depraved in their thinking, after time we begin to forget how far normal boundaries have been stretched, and we begin to think like they do. We can understand this, and recover our souls and be again the person we want to be.
You might look up "gaslighting" and "Stockholm Syndrome" as well. Google them here on SoberRecovery, and you will find many threads and posts from people who, like me, were married to a narcissistic abusive partner. And you will find much good advice and empathy and understanding from those of us who have suffered through this and survived, and eventually, thrived.
There is a future for you, and it is better than your past and better than how you are living and feeling right now. Feel free to look up my early threads - under "Search" at the top of the page, type in my screen name or a topic that you want to see prior posts on. (You may have to have made 5 or 10 posts yourself before you can use the "Search" function.) Send me a private message, if you'd like.
You've got people on SR who have lived through what you are living now, and found a way out, and are willing to share their experience and give you support.
ShootingStar1
When we live with someone who is so depraved in their thinking, after time we begin to forget how far normal boundaries have been stretched, and we begin to think like they do. We can understand this, and recover our souls and be again the person we want to be.
You might look up "gaslighting" and "Stockholm Syndrome" as well. Google them here on SoberRecovery, and you will find many threads and posts from people who, like me, were married to a narcissistic abusive partner. And you will find much good advice and empathy and understanding from those of us who have suffered through this and survived, and eventually, thrived.
There is a future for you, and it is better than your past and better than how you are living and feeling right now. Feel free to look up my early threads - under "Search" at the top of the page, type in my screen name or a topic that you want to see prior posts on. (You may have to have made 5 or 10 posts yourself before you can use the "Search" function.) Send me a private message, if you'd like.
You've got people on SR who have lived through what you are living now, and found a way out, and are willing to share their experience and give you support.
ShootingStar1
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