Just...not OK.
 

Guys, I really just need some encouragement.

Because...

1. Filed for default. ExAH has been completely unreachable for over 2 months now. The 20-day waiting period for him to respond to the divorce summons has come & gone...waaayyyy gone. So I filed for default on the grounds that I know he won't file a response with the courts & sent that in over a week ago. Checked CourtView. It hasn't been entered into the divorce case yet.
I just want this OVER. Why can't it just be OVER?

2. I lost my job. First they cut my position to 20hrs per week, then, when I wasn't demonstrably happy about it, decided to just fire me instead. Unemployment hasn't come through yet. I have about $300 before I'm completely broke. After 2 years of supporting exAH by working full-time, even while pregnant, even the entire time our son has been a baby, now I'm facing an empty bank account & no options instead of saving all the money I was spending on exAH & getting ahead.

3. My entire family is up visiting. I know I should be happy about it, but I'm not. My brothers & their wives are here-lucky wives, since my brothers are stand-up citizens. Last night I went over for dinner. They all sat around basically ignoring me & the baby, talking about their new houses & secure, highly-paid jobs, & things that they have in common with each other, including times they've visited one another. I left early. Sitting there in silence wasn't much fun. What am I even going to talk to them about? I'm broke, unemployed, & going through a complicated divorce.

When is it going to end, you guys? Clearly marrying exAH was a CHOICE...not the right one, obviously, but a choice. But the rest of this is just horrible, horrible bad luck &/or out of my control. And I'm tired of so many major life-changing things being out of my control...

It's somehow going to get better, right?

Yes, it WILL get better, I promise but there may be hard times in between. I am sorry this is so hard for you and I know how difficult life can be with no money, but one day soon you will be working again and your life will be free of the past.

If it's any consolation, I am a big believer that life takes us to where we are supposed to go and that there are strangely wrapped gifts in every obstacle we find along the way. Go ahead and roll your eyes now, but in 6 months when things are better, remember what I said.

I will keep you in my prayers that opportunity comes your way soon.

Hugs and Hugs

Yes, mnh. It IS going to get better. Problem (as we all know) is the
timeline. And this, as with every other human being on the planet,
is not merely unknown----but unknowable.

Please don't get too down on your relatives. They are merely in good
cheer because (for now) they have a modest buffer between them and what
I have always called the part of life where clear thinking is not just a good idea,
but a vital necessity. Their lives can be decimated in an instant just as yours
can. Accident, disease, death of a child. No one is immune to these-----and the
billionaire flying over your head in a $30 million Gulfstream is just as haunted
by them as you are.

If they ignored you----it is because they don't want to be reminded of how
fast it ALL can disappear.

By now, people can be forgiven for knowing exactly what hokey pep talk
is likely to emerge from Vales bill....

......but tough sh^&-----here it comes, anyway.

I've been where you are. I know what being hemmed in by sub optimum
choices is like. I've known the despair of being on a track whose probable
outcome was NOT where I wanted to be.

Those times made it possible for me to be where I am today. Were it not
for those times I would probably just be another anonymous wannabe.
Anyone who has ever stared the abyss in the face knows EXACTLY what I'm
talking about-----"It's SHOWDOWN time!"

When you do make it in this world, every Tom, Dick, and Harry wants to
know your "secret to success".......what magic door you knocked on. Which
(secret) butt did you kiss to open the doors.

No secrets. Except maybe one. The place you are NOW. The deal you will
soon make (or not make)...with your very soul. As bad as things seem now,
try adding to that burden by being in a concentration camp.....or Stage IV
cancer.Many people have---and have become stronger for it.

When I was 20 years and one day old I was in a bad place. I looked up and
promised myself (and whomever else was listening on whatever ethereal
plane)---------that I would NOT lower my eyes, or allow myself to become
road kill.

None of that saves you from accidents, heart attacks, or the like. But
who gives a damn about those independent variables?

Everyone dies. BFD.

This is a dance with your soul, not fate. Decide what your life is going
to be, then make it so.

I was never more alive than when my back was against the wall---playing
the (varsity) game of life FOR REAL/FOR KEEPS.

That's not a pep talk from some poultry with a watertight ass. That's life.

M- I know this is a very hard time for you. I am so sorry. Its good that you are reaching out for support from us. As so many of us have fought your battles. i know that you might not understand but I believe you are not in control of your life. I believe this is Gods will, as difficult as it is. He has a plan for you and doesn't tell you what it is. I think sometimes he wants us to feel the "pain" so we don't make this mistake again.

Keep reading SR and getting help for you. Be patient, things will turn around!! Hugs my friend!!

Well, as John Lennon sang in "Getting Better", it can't get much worse.

There have been times in my life where I'd pretty much given up. I had a rough, rough stretch in 2010. And what I ultimately learned is there are a lot of possibilities between how it is and how it ought to be. So yes, things suck right now in a major way. That's how it is today. But that doesn't mean it will suck a week from now. A lot can happen.

In the meantime, when you're going through hell, just keep going.

It does get better, I know it does from others. I know what its like to see other's secure, well to do, comfortable lives and feel like an outsider looking in. I know what its like to have made a bad choice, because I too am suffering the consequences of mine for the past 5 years and I have not had any security except for my parents home where I have run away to with my 2 year old son. I make almost no money. Despite this, I know things will get better, because when you hit bottom, the only way is up. Its a time line thing as mentioned above, take it day by day, keep improving yourself and your life, help others, and be patient. One day you will wake up and see your life is positive and way different.

Yes, it will definitely get better if you learn from your past mistakes and not-so-good choices and don't rely on others to bail you out and make things better. That dependence is what got you to this point most likely. Better to be dependent on NO one and if good meaning ppl come along to share life with, that's just a bonus. Sounds harsh maybe but that's how I get along in life.

Refiner, with all due respect you have no idea what you're talking about.

I have always worked full-time, even before the baby was born. exAH has been unemployed the entire two years we've been married. I pay the bills. I make the appointments & keep them. I have always made sure the baby AND exAH have had what they've needed & beyond.

I also, for what it's worth, have always worked in nonprofit management. These organizations are completely at the mercy of grants & subsidies & when those disappear or a state's budget for social services is cut, so too are varying expenses so the orgs can stay afloat. One of, if not the single, highest overhead costs against capital gains in any business is staff salary. So my losing my job in a nonprofit org is completely beyond my control; how anything to do with now being unemployed stems directly from my ever relying on others to "bail me out" I don't know.

I do not have family here consistently & even when my parents ARE here, they do not babysit unless my son isn't in daycare & I absolutely cannot take him with me. I don't get financial handouts nor even emotional support from immediate family members. If I did, I likely would not be posting on SR for encouragement.

When I say that exAH disappeared I do not mean that he walked out the door, leaving me penniless & desperate because I rely on him. Quite the opposite. I kicked his ass out of MY apartment that I have to scrape & save to pay for, after two years of letting him rely on ME. My only mistake was to have married exAH in the first place & then to have put up with him for as long as I have.

There are plenty of well-meaning friends in my life as we speak. Do I rely on them to pay my bills, care for my child or otherwise depend on them?

No.
I know you mean well, but I feel I have to call your bluff on this one.I really do not see how what you've said has any direct correlation to the three issues I listed above.

it will be ok
 

I went through the similar situation. My aexh didn't respond back after being served so now he is trying to do a motion for a new trial. He hasn't paid a cent in three months. He moved 4- 5 hrs away from his three young kids to shack up with another woman. He has
been on and off drugs his
whole adult life. If I received a call saying he OD, I wouldn't be surprised.
Just know we are here for you and if you need to chat, pm me.


battled drugs on and off his whole adult life and I wouldn't be surprised if he is using now. Its a good thing he is away b c the kids are doing so much better without him. I would love to see him happy and sober but if I received a call that
said he OD. Addicts are very swlfish


QUOTE=mnh1982;5481906]Guys, I really just need some encouragement.

Because...

1. Filed for default. ExAH has been completely unreachable for over 2 months now. The 20-day waiting period for him to respond to the divorce summons has come & gone...waaayyyy gone. So I filed for default on the grounds that I know he won't file a response with the courts & sent that in over a week ago. Checked CourtView. It hasn't been entered into the divorce case yet.
I just want this OVER. Why can't it just be OVER?

2. I lost my job. First they cut my position to 20hrs per week, then, when I wasn't demonstrably happy about it, decided to just fire me instead. Unemployment hasn't come through yet. I have about $300 before I'm completely broke. After 2 years of supporting exAH by working full-time, even while pregnant, even the entire time our son has been a baby, now I'm facing an empty bank account & no options instead of saving all the money I was spending on exAH & getting ahead.

3. My entire family is up visiting. I know I should be happy about it, but I'm not. My brothers & their wives are here-lucky wives, since my brothers are stand-up citizens. Last night I went over for dinner. They all sat around basically ignoring me & the baby, talking about their new houses & secure, highly-paid jobs, & things that they have in common with each other, including times they've visited one another. I left early. Sitting there in silence wasn't much fun. What am I even going to talk to them about? I'm broke, unemployed, & going through a complicated divorce.

When is it going to end, you guys? Clearly marrying exAH was a CHOICE...not the right one, obviously, but a choice. But the rest of this is just horrible, horrible bad luck &/or out of my control. And I'm tired of so many major life-changing things being out of my control...

It's somehow going to get better, right?[/QUOTE]

Oh, I know there's no way that unless CSSD steps in, he's going to pay child support. He has no job & his unemployment benefits ran out weeks ago.

This might sound truly horrible, but not a day goes by that I don't wish for a call from jail or from the cops/troopers telling me that either he's been locked up again, or is dead.

At least that way we'd know for sure & all the constant nagging worry of him showing up at random on our doorstep someday would be gone.

I'm planning on taking one of the days the baby is at daycare to go to the courthouse & file a DVO. I really did not want to-with his record, it will make it next to impossible for him to be part of the baby's life.

Then I remind myself that this is not the first time his addict-actions have caused a marriage to end & a child to be removed from his life. It's the second. His first son from his first marriage is now 10 years old. He signed away his paternity rights & all visitation with his first son...drugs were more important...

My reasonable guess is that this time will be no different.

Mnh, you sound like a brave, strong, self-motivated lady and I have no doubt you will build a good life for yourself and your child.

It takes time and courage and perseverence...but you will one day look back on all this and be glad you kept going.

Hugs

I'm sorry I said it all wrong. You DO work your @$$ off I agree! And that's what makes it all the more horrible that it left you where? Why did you waste your $ on him who sat around without working for 2 years.? You were the one bringing it up. I guess what I was saying, and not very well, is that you were maybe COdependent on him (not financially at all, obviously. Perhaps if you set higher standards for your partner in life, you would have more of an equal who doesn't just spiral down taking you with him. I pray that you climb out of the current hole you're in and get back on your feet quickly.

The answer to this question is simple. Yes. But that doesn't mean it's going to be easy. You are taking steps to make it better. Good for you!

I made a similar mistake......a blue million years ago......I thought life would never get better. I was in a hole so deep with my AXH, a child, losing a house to foreclosure, while being sexually harassed by my employer, with no familial support because they were 3000 miles away (and the Internet and Skype didn't exist then!). Lol. I look back on it now and wonder how I survived.

Two years after my divorce, the loss of my home, etc., I met my current husband. We've been married for 30 years now. He loves me perfectly.....and what does that mean? He loves me consistently.

I'm not suggesting that my life became perfect as a result of this man. But he is my gift of Devine compensation. For all of the hardships we endure through life, we are often given a gift. A gift of Devine compensation......it can come in many forms. But we can't see it because we are so caught up in the misery of surviving hardships.

You will survive (and thrive) because you are an intelligent, strong woman. It will get better because you will make it better.

As usual, Kindeyes has hit the nail on the head. I can only second all of that, and send you huge, warm hugs! Keep posting, you are not alone. We care, always! XXX

Thanks for the posts all very positive and encouraging. :)

our lives are parallel, I swear.
the financial strap i'm under feels like it'll never loosen up. although i am incredibly grateful I have taken the steps to being independent that i have, sometimes I wish i could do things SO VERY DIFFERENTLY from the beginning so that i wouldn't even know what this struggle was all about.

with that being said, my kid (as I'm sure yours) is all the motivation i need to say it WILL get better. there is no choice here --- she deserves it. its an uphill freaking battle some days just to keep all the moving pieces together. I feel you mama!!

Refiner, thank you very much for your clarification.
I think we have all made the mistake of becoming, if not completely dependent financially, then certainly emotionally dependent on our addicts. And for many of us, that's because we did or do truly love them.
And who, even amongst those who don't deal with addiction or addicts, doesn't want to believe that "all you need is love"?