How to kick him out?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 51
How to kick him out?
He couldn't even stay sober a week. He pawned his golf clubs today, we got them out of pawn a week ago.
He has no friends here, and if I kick him out he says I have to give him "his" money (he has held down a job somehow) so he can stay at a motel. I've done this before, 2 yrs ago.. and I paid directly for a motel just so he wouldn't spend the motel $ on drugs.
As fas as I can gather, if I actually kick him out, his plan is, stay at a motel and smoke heroin til the money runs out.. During which time he figures he can talk me into giving him "another chance" because I always cave.
If I DON'T cave, he'll move back to our old city (6 hours away) and get his old job back (which he can, easily) and continue to use.
In any case, if/when he leaves, the baby and I will barely be scraping by on my income. I hate to waste our small amount of savings on a week or 2 of motels and drugs just to be "fair" and give him "his half".. Besides, "his half" will barely cover his dental procedure we have to pay for in less than a month.
But I can't just hoard his paychecks (I moved all our $ from our joint account to my private account after he spent $1100 over the past 3 weeks). What should I do??
He has no friends here, and if I kick him out he says I have to give him "his" money (he has held down a job somehow) so he can stay at a motel. I've done this before, 2 yrs ago.. and I paid directly for a motel just so he wouldn't spend the motel $ on drugs.
As fas as I can gather, if I actually kick him out, his plan is, stay at a motel and smoke heroin til the money runs out.. During which time he figures he can talk me into giving him "another chance" because I always cave.
If I DON'T cave, he'll move back to our old city (6 hours away) and get his old job back (which he can, easily) and continue to use.
In any case, if/when he leaves, the baby and I will barely be scraping by on my income. I hate to waste our small amount of savings on a week or 2 of motels and drugs just to be "fair" and give him "his half".. Besides, "his half" will barely cover his dental procedure we have to pay for in less than a month.
But I can't just hoard his paychecks (I moved all our $ from our joint account to my private account after he spent $1100 over the past 3 weeks). What should I do??
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Hi Ella,
I'm sorry you are in this position.
Not sure I understand the question though. Surely his pay checks should go to him to do with as he pleased, and yours should go to you?
If he is living with you he has to pay his way.
However if you are kicking him out then I don't see that you can reasonably consider trying to control his money.
I know it's horrible seeing someone you love make destructive decisions, however from what I understand doing for him what he should be doing for himself is enabling.
I'm sorry you are in this position.
Not sure I understand the question though. Surely his pay checks should go to him to do with as he pleased, and yours should go to you?
If he is living with you he has to pay his way.
However if you are kicking him out then I don't see that you can reasonably consider trying to control his money.
I know it's horrible seeing someone you love make destructive decisions, however from what I understand doing for him what he should be doing for himself is enabling.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
He has an obligation to support his child. That is for certain. Many people here at SR find themselves in a serious financial bind. I encourage you to make sure you have the money required to take care of your baby! It's not a free ride, and if he is employed you have rights and can go through the process of having those checks garnished for child support if he won't pay up.
Many hugs!
Many hugs!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 51
Thanks Carmen.. I took control of the money about a week ago when it was disappearing in large quantities.
When I think about it, that's really the only reason he was clean for a few days.. He didn't have easy access to money. So I'm trying to control him, basically.
When I look at it that way, I guess in order to not be codependent I need to give him his $ and let him self-destruct.
When I think about it, that's really the only reason he was clean for a few days.. He didn't have easy access to money. So I'm trying to control him, basically.
When I look at it that way, I guess in order to not be codependent I need to give him his $ and let him self-destruct.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
He has an obligation to support his child. That is for certain. Many people here at SR find themselves in a serious financial bind. I encourage you to make sure you have the money required to take care of your baby! It's not a free ride, and if he is employed you have rights and can go through the process of having those checks garnished for child support if he won't pay up. Many hugs!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
We can come up with all of the advice needed but in the end your choices are for your child's well being.
When you realize though, that you are not really ahead with him and his addiction - which causes constant grief and cash flow problems - you will see that you have already accomplished what you were most afraid of. You have the power to make a life for your child and yourself. You don't need to feel the anxiety of planning out how best to control things. It causes great anxiety. Face the fear and you may find that you will have less after walking away. It brings a peace that makes any problem a bit easier.
I understand where you are. I've been there. And I was afraid.
When you realize though, that you are not really ahead with him and his addiction - which causes constant grief and cash flow problems - you will see that you have already accomplished what you were most afraid of. You have the power to make a life for your child and yourself. You don't need to feel the anxiety of planning out how best to control things. It causes great anxiety. Face the fear and you may find that you will have less after walking away. It brings a peace that makes any problem a bit easier.
I understand where you are. I've been there. And I was afraid.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 12
I am not sure how the finances are split in your household. However if you split things 50/50 as your AH is claiming I propose that he spent his 50% of your savings already on his drug habit.
I wouldn't feel obligated to give him a dime.
Sadly if you do ask him to leave than you will be on only one income. However it could just as easily be that way in the future because as long as he is using he is playing Russian roulette with his job and your finances.
I am not a great one to give advice I am still working up to kicking my AH out. Part of me knows I should have done it months ago.
None of it is easy but you have to decide what his continuing presence brings to your lives.
I wouldn't feel obligated to give him a dime.
Sadly if you do ask him to leave than you will be on only one income. However it could just as easily be that way in the future because as long as he is using he is playing Russian roulette with his job and your finances.
I am not a great one to give advice I am still working up to kicking my AH out. Part of me knows I should have done it months ago.
None of it is easy but you have to decide what his continuing presence brings to your lives.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 67
What a very hard situation, I am sorry that you are feeling stressed.
Please forgive me if you already have this information (or the benefits), but I wanted to share that my experience qualifying for WIC and Medicaid for my baby and me was FAST. It took me some time to gather all the paperwork for the application, but once it was submitted we were approved quickly. 2 weeks I think. Maybe making preparations to get the papers in order will help take some anxiety about finances off your plate; if you end up needing to file it'll be ready to go.
I don't know much about your story, if you are married my experience may not apply. Still, I ran questions through several different caseworkers at the welfare office over the phone and found them to be very patient and helpful. Hope this helps.
Please forgive me if you already have this information (or the benefits), but I wanted to share that my experience qualifying for WIC and Medicaid for my baby and me was FAST. It took me some time to gather all the paperwork for the application, but once it was submitted we were approved quickly. 2 weeks I think. Maybe making preparations to get the papers in order will help take some anxiety about finances off your plate; if you end up needing to file it'll be ready to go.
I don't know much about your story, if you are married my experience may not apply. Still, I ran questions through several different caseworkers at the welfare office over the phone and found them to be very patient and helpful. Hope this helps.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Ella, he needs to contribute towards his baby. That's not optional, and it includes making sure he/she has a roof over her head.
Frankly this AH sounds like he doesn't care one little bit about you or his own child, which is sad for you, but at least gives you a lead on how to treat him. I would assume that you'll be on your own very soon, and make your plans accordingly. Falseclaimsact has some solid practical advice on accessing help, and you have the option of finding legal help and getting support together from family and friends. Maybe you could eventually give him some money direct, and tell him to leave and spend it on whatever he wants, but don't come to you looking for accommodation. You could change the locks if you need to.
Now is a time for planning carefully and quietly. Sharing everything with him is not the way to go just yet.
Frankly this AH sounds like he doesn't care one little bit about you or his own child, which is sad for you, but at least gives you a lead on how to treat him. I would assume that you'll be on your own very soon, and make your plans accordingly. Falseclaimsact has some solid practical advice on accessing help, and you have the option of finding legal help and getting support together from family and friends. Maybe you could eventually give him some money direct, and tell him to leave and spend it on whatever he wants, but don't come to you looking for accommodation. You could change the locks if you need to.
Now is a time for planning carefully and quietly. Sharing everything with him is not the way to go just yet.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
How to kick him out?
You just DO.
You need to understand & accept that whether or not he's with you, he's not making the right choices. And whther or not he's under your roof makes zero impact upon his ability to get & stay clean.
As far as finances go, accept that you are going to be broke & it is going to be hard. Tying yourself permanently to him because of money will be a terrible mistake. There are plenty of assistance programs out there for those of us whose addicts have left us in financial dire straits. Use the time you now have to look into your options thoroughly.
When I kicked my exAH out, I gave up on the idea that because we were still legally married, we needed to "share things". He has no right to my money, nor would I to his...if he had any. At this point I'm trusting the court system to handle child support & I am focusing on raising my son.
The answer on how to kick him out, as dumb as it sounds, is to accept what may happen after you do, & just do it, & deal with it. Be hard on yourself in that you need to make the right choice for your child, even though you're wrestling with it & financially it's inconveneint. You can do this.
You just DO.
You need to understand & accept that whether or not he's with you, he's not making the right choices. And whther or not he's under your roof makes zero impact upon his ability to get & stay clean.
As far as finances go, accept that you are going to be broke & it is going to be hard. Tying yourself permanently to him because of money will be a terrible mistake. There are plenty of assistance programs out there for those of us whose addicts have left us in financial dire straits. Use the time you now have to look into your options thoroughly.
When I kicked my exAH out, I gave up on the idea that because we were still legally married, we needed to "share things". He has no right to my money, nor would I to his...if he had any. At this point I'm trusting the court system to handle child support & I am focusing on raising my son.
The answer on how to kick him out, as dumb as it sounds, is to accept what may happen after you do, & just do it, & deal with it. Be hard on yourself in that you need to make the right choice for your child, even though you're wrestling with it & financially it's inconveneint. You can do this.
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