CarmenLove

Hi All,

I haven't posted in a while.

It's been about 3 months since I left AH and I am living hundreds of miles away from him. I blocked him on all social media, purely for my benefit as I didn't want to see anything he was getting up to. This following him sharing a picture posted by his drug dealer, although apparently he is clean and not using, ahem!

However I couldn't bring myself to block him on email. I actually messaged him a few weeks ago. Nothing big, just talking about regular stuff. I don't know why. I guess I just miss him. At the time I was visiting somewhere we had visited together. It brought back a lot of memories.

I had this idea that from a spiritual point of view I could somehow stay open to him, and not get sucked back in. However I am beginning to see that keeping that door open might be hurting me somehow. It's like it keeps the hope alive and I don't quite, fully let go.

I also wake up in a sweat some nights worried about his (our) dog. A couple of days ago I called the RSPCA, just to get some advice, however they didn't really have any good advice to give. They simply said what was I reporting, and did I know that the animal was being mistreated. I said NO I don't know, and that is the point!!!!

I didn't want to report anything, I just wish there was someone who I trust who could go and check on the dog. The dog (C) was his before I was on the scene, and is in his name.

I don't think he would mistreat him, and I wonder if he might neglect him. I don't know this man who is using. He is not my husband, so I don't know what he would or wouldn't do.

I don't know what to do about the dog situation. I don't see what I can do??

Grrrr.

Although I am in no way ready for a relationship, I have been very lightly 'dating' making it clear I am just looking for new friends. I thought it would do me good as I haven't had much of a social life in the last few months.

However the guys I have dated have wanted to move things forward quickly and I am not ready. One of them asked to kiss me the other day and I let him kiss me on the lips. However afterwards as soon as I was by myself I cried.

I know my marriage is over, and it's time to move on, and it still feels so sad sometimes. I think I romanticise a fair bit, however we did share some amazing times. And I remember the bad times too. I remember the reasons he was not a good partner.

I don't yet have the money for a divorce as I'm still getting back on my feet financially (which I am really proud of myself for. I am headed in the right direction although it hasn't been easy!) so that will have to wait.

I have gotten some new work recently and a part time job in addition to support me as I continue to grow my business.

So last night I sent my ex this email:

"From my perspective this is what I see...

I see that our marriage is not prioritised, in fact it is disrespected over and over and over again.

I see the dishonesty.

Didn't you realise that I stay/ed open to you because I love you not because I don't see.

And I tried hard because our marriage meant something to me. However I see I need to save myself.

I am letting you know that I am moving on with my life. I am moving on without you because of the choices you make and the actions you take.

I see that you give yourself permission to do that. From my perspective, how it looks to me... it seems very weak of you. I wonder if that is how it seems to you.

I also see that we have very different ideas about how love, honesty and marriage work.

From my perspective what I see is that you don't care about our marriage right now. Your actions and choices demonstrate that. I accept that. And that is why I am moving on.

I'll always love you and from my perspective currently that won't make a shred of difference to you with the choices that you are currently making. And I wanted to say it anyway."

That is my update for now.

hopeful4

Carmen, I can only offer my own thoughts on this.

There is no point in blocking all other contact if you are going to use email to contact him. It also sounds like you want him to fight for your marriage, which to be honest, is not happening. You need to stop the contact with him. Let go. If you cannot get the dog, you are going to have to let go of that too I am sorry to say. I know it's hard, but keep the focus on you, and the positive things you are doing in your own life to move forward.

XXX

CarmenLove

Hopeful,

Yes I know I need to stop contacting him. In the emails he is sending me he is very loving and says he loves me, misses me etc, I was his future... even said he wanted to come and see me. And I know it's all just words.

I don't think we can have a marriage together now, or any kind or romantic relationship. I guess I just thought if I stayed open to him as a person he may feel safe enough to talk to me about the addiction if he ever decides to get any help.

However I won't email him anymore.

I went to block him on email too today. And I didn't do it. I am just not ready to take that step, although I am committed to stopping me from emailing him. I just won't do it anymore.

Having him blocked on the other channels does help though because it means I don't obsessively check his FB or get triggered every time I go on one of those sites

Yes I am focusing on me. Like most of the time. Sometimes it's just hard and he comes back into my head.

I will be fine though.

xxx

CarmenLove

OK Y'all,

I did it! I blocked him on email too.

I did send him an email to tell him I was going to, so he knows his emails won't get through, and said that if the dog ever needs taking he can contact my mum and we will take him.

I sent it, then I blocked him.

That was the last open channel of communication apart from my mother's landline, which frankly I do not think he would have the balls to ring anyway.

Feel sad.

biminiblue

I hope he leaves you alone and that you can really, truly move on. Of course there is sadness for love lost and dreams shattered. His loss.

This is it. This is the end. Write it down in your journal. The End.

doggonecarl

You should have friends...girl friends, not men friends. Not yet.

CarmenLove

You could be right about that.

Ann

I am glad you are moving on, the sadness will linger and come back on special days to hurt your heart a little more, but gradually over time you will heal and be glad that you finally closed the door on an already empty room.

Hugs

mnh1982

Hey girl.

I know, for me, dating isn't an option right now. I need time to just...process everything on my own. And it's not as if I would trust anyone enough to let them in, let alone envision a "future" with them, anyway. exAH pretty much ruined that.

I'd suggest letting this time be truly for YOU. It's so tempting, when you're lonely & bored, to entertain the notion that you're "ready" to date again.

In my case, since the divorce isn't final, it's also extremely risky to date anyone, should exAH find out & decide he's going to bring that up in court...

CarmenLove

Hey All,

I know from a traditional recovery point of view dating is not recommended. And I also subscribe to advice from a dating Coach called Rori Raye who suggests circular dating as a kind of therapy.

What I have learned for myself is that at this time I am simply not available to be anything to anyone else other than perhaps a friend. And also that I need to keep things simple and keep the focus on me.

There are healthy experiences I can gain through connecting with people (men and women on a friends basis) however, as I keep mentioning. I will not be getting into any type of romantic relationships at this time.

I'm not ready.

I am taking a step back from everything, and focusing on me and my life.

I need to figure out the social life part, finding ways for me to do that healthily...

hopeful4

You did it, that is a huge step. I know it's sad, but if he would ever truly want help it would have to be from his heart, nothing you could do to help him with that.

Move forward and do things that focus on you and make YOU happy!