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Needing advice/support... Long post

Old 06-22-2015, 08:07 AM
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Needing advice/support... Long post

So I was on this site a few years ago when an alcoholic/addict almost ruined my life. You would think that would've steered me away from anyone having anything to do with those problems forever. I would have thought so too, turns out that was not the case.

Almost two years ago I met a man who I thought was my forever. We met, clicked and had the most amazing chemistry, talked for hours on end and were so honest with each other. He made me feel safe. A contentment I never felt with anyone. My friends and family loved him. My mom even gave him my grandmothers ring to give to me when he decided to propose.

Quick background. He told me that he has a history with pills and H. He had a back surgery approximately 10 years ago and got addicted to the pills which led to H, which led to selling, which landed him in jail. He seemed open and honest about all of it and seemed to babe pretty far past that kind of life. I decided to give it a chance. We got engaged, and moved in together.

1 month after moving in he and an accident. He had gotten a hemorrhoid removed and then passed out outside the doctors office building,/his head open on an electrical box and almost died because it almost severed his spine. They gave him 5 mg Percocet for the pain. I was holding them and giving them to him but then caught him chewing one. I got upset and he said it was just an old habit and flush the rest down the toilet. Then about 2 1/2 months later he disappeared for a night. I found him through the friends that he was with laying on the floor in the house all sweaty and coked up. That was only one night and we managed to get through it.

He was going to a program called mass rehab to help him find a new career path because of his disability with his back, he had been a roofer but was no longer supposed to do that. I have expectations from a grown man, to make a life and be responsible. He says I'm too hard on him and that I'm a nag. I feel like he never follows through on the things he is supposed to do. This will later be the reasons for his relapses.

Then last October he had a girl show up in his life who turned out to be his 33-year-old daughter that he did not know about. That along with the stress of everyday life caused a lot of stress and sent him into a relapse which lasted about 10 days. He then got some Suboxone to get out of it.

He seemed okay for the next seven months. He was finding jobs on his own and was making some pretty decent money, finally saving and having a cushion. Then on May 2 of this year I knew something was off. I asked him if he was using again and he got angry. He ended up leaving for two weeks and finally admitted that he was using. He managed to blow over $3000 of his savings in those two weeks between hotels and drugs. His truck was in my name so I had him come back here with what little money he has left so that he could afford to put it in his own name. He was here for three weeks and then it was my birthday. That weekend we argued quite a bit and he needed up leaving with all of his stuff on my birthday, June 7th.

We have been in touch pretty much every day since then, we did manage to get the truck out of my name and into his, thank god. I made it my mission to get that truck out of my name. He has nowhere to stay and is actually living in the truck. I know he's using and spend what little money he had in these last two weeks on pills. He has asked me for gas money, for things here that I know he will sell, and yesterday for cigarettes. I refuse to give him anything because he needs to be responsible for himself right now. I also know that he is overdrawn on his bank account by almost $200. I have days where I think to myself that I could help him, that I could let him come sleep here in the spare room and help get him out of this mess, but then I tell myself that I shouldn't.

He's blaming me for everything saying that I'm a bitch and that I'm abusive. That I'm the reason for his relapses because I'm a bitch. I know that no matter how awful I might be sometimes that his relapses are his responsibility and his only. Although sometimes I do let it get in my head and start to feel like it is my fault. I am being strong this time, certainly stronger than I was with the last guy or that I was during his last relapse. I'm so torn between wanting him to do things for himself and feeling bad that he's living on the streets in a truck. I'm not really sleeping. How do I make myself okay with him living like that because I do care about him and love him? I know I need to take care of myself right now and not let him convince me that this is all my fault but it's so hard when someone keeps saying things like that to you.

I read on here all the time to keep myself strong but I feel like I'm going to waver sometimes. We/I have an appointment with the therapist in an hour. Of course I tried to call him half an hour ago and he's not answering the phone but I will still go because I need the strength that I will get there, which is great but he does not know what everyone here knows, what it is like to be the person in love with the addict.

Sorry for the long post and God knows there's a lot more details I could give you guys but I tried to just give you enough to give you the gist of it. Hopefully you all will have some words of wisdom to help keep me strong during this trying time.
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ladyscribbler (06-22-2015)
Old 06-22-2015, 10:45 AM
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I'm in a similar-ish situation.. Wouldn't it be awesome if we could just show our addict what makes them so great and how much they suck when they're using?!?! Is it just you n him? What is your support structure like? Obviously you have the therapist which I'm sure will continue to encourage you to remain strong.. If your addict is anything like mine-he will say exactly what he knows will hurt you the most... It doesn't sound like you're being a "bitch" as much as you are holding him accountable for his actions and your expectations of a partner...
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Melissa0067 (06-23-2015)
Old 06-22-2015, 12:50 PM
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He is living in his truck because that is HIS choice and has absolutely NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. You are not a bitch. You did not cause him to use. He is living in his truck because he squandered the savings he had on drugs. He had $3,000 saved up. He is capable of saving that much money again if he stops using drugs. Don't give him gas money. Don't give him money for a place to stay. You owe him nothing.

In a time machine kind of world, I wish that I had said as much to myself when my addicted husband was badgering me for money for gas and a place to stay. I kicked him out at one point. He didn't have the money for gas or a roof over his head. But you know what? He sure could spend $500 on drugs pretty darn quickly without blinking. And being verbally abusive when I didn't give him what he wanted. And that is exactly what all your guy's name calling is. Abuse.

Take care of you.
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Old 06-22-2015, 12:51 PM
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He is living in his truck because that is HIS choice and has absolutely NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. You are not a bitch. You did not cause him to use. He is living in his truck because he squandered the savings he had on drugs. He had $3,000 saved up. He is capable of saving that much money again if he stops using drugs. Don't give him gas money. Don't give him money for a place to stay. You owe him nothing.

In a time machine kind of world, I wish that I had said as much to myself when my addicted husband was badgering me for money for gas and a place to stay. I kicked him out at one point. He didn't have the money for gas or a roof over his head. But you know what? He sure could spend $500 on drugs pretty darn quickly without blinking. And being verbally abusive when I didn't give him what he wanted. And that is exactly what all your guy's name calling is. Abuse.

Take care of you.
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Old 06-23-2015, 06:30 AM
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Urkillingme2... I have a pretty good support system, the therapist obviously, who basically told me the same things that you learn in alanon. That I have to take care of me and let him do what he's going to do, let him fall on his own and stop calling and checking up on him. My mom, who says that I need to have less contact but she also feels bad for him. My brother, who is a recovered drug addict so he has a different perspective. My best friend who wants to kill him for what he's done to me. And lastly his cousin, who tells me that I deserve better and to just walk away. They all have different points of view to offer.

For me, it's a matter of giving up on the fantasy. Recognizing that he will never be the man I thought he was or could be. He's got to much work to do and will probably never be 100% done with it. I worked hard to get where I am. I own my business and my home and don't want to lose it all because of him, I wont. I miss the way things were in the beginning but it will probably never be or feel,like that again. I want to plan for my future, my retirement. I want to travel, do things with my life. I'm trying very hard to go no contact but it's so hard. I have a lot of work to do now too. I have to give up on taking care of him and fixing or controlling things for him.
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Old 06-23-2015, 06:38 AM
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Ruby2... The therapist said that to me about him living in the truck also, and said that it's probably better than other options if he didn't have the truck, which he probably won't have for long at the rate he's going. I know that in the first week he was gone from here, he blew every penny he had saved again on the pills. I'm pretty sure that he sold his new guitar. He went to my moms to get a lawn mower he left there and that's probably pawned too. Yesterday a letter came from the bank and he is overdrawn by $178 and they will charge him $5 a day for everyday it stays overdrawn. That's the account the truck insurance payments come out of so his insurance will probably get cancelled. If he gets caught driving an uninsured truck he will be screwed and probably lose the truck or sell it and we know where that money will go.

This is all the thinking I need to let go of and let the pieces fall where they may. I know I need to take care of me. I know that no matter what his drug use is his responsibility. I can't let him convince me otherwise. I'm trying very hard to stay strong and leave him be. Every day is a battle but if I don't do it then this will be my life and I don't want this forever.

Thanks for your post. Every post helps me to feel less insane and a little bit stronger.
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Old 06-23-2015, 07:49 AM
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It's his choice to live this way. Thing is, it will always be something happening in life. If he is going to choose drugs to deal with those issues, he will forever be an addict.

Stay strong, continue with the therapist.

Hugs to you.
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