Sorrow filled heart. ....any advice?
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Location: Greenville sc
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Sorrow filled heart. ....any advice?
So my AH and i have lived apart for a year. In that time very little has changed and he is still using. He is on a binge and i told him that i am done. I have been around here for a while and in this very spot many times. But this time is different. ......
This time i am going to let him make his bed and lie in it. In a week he has lost a job spent his rent money to become homeless and lied to me virtually every breath he has taken. I am not shocked or surprised because thats what they do. They lie and betray and use you until you are going crazy and then blame you for all the issues.
As of today the last thing i told him is that its over and not to call me back. He was calling me over and over and texting me that he is going to kill himself but won't call 911 and won't tell me where he is so that i can. So i don't know if he is dead or alive right now but there is nothing i can do but pray.
I know this for sure. Whatever happens i am done. I will not stand for one more second of this because his addiction is killing everything it comes into contact with.
I am so scared that he was serious and i didn't do anything but i know i can't stop this rampage. Just wish i knew how to deal with this aching sorrow that is in my heart. I have given up on a fairy tale ending but I just hope he comes out of this alive and sober.
Any advice on how i can move forward without constantly thinking about what is happening to him? Thanks for letting me vent
This time i am going to let him make his bed and lie in it. In a week he has lost a job spent his rent money to become homeless and lied to me virtually every breath he has taken. I am not shocked or surprised because thats what they do. They lie and betray and use you until you are going crazy and then blame you for all the issues.
As of today the last thing i told him is that its over and not to call me back. He was calling me over and over and texting me that he is going to kill himself but won't call 911 and won't tell me where he is so that i can. So i don't know if he is dead or alive right now but there is nothing i can do but pray.
I know this for sure. Whatever happens i am done. I will not stand for one more second of this because his addiction is killing everything it comes into contact with.
I am so scared that he was serious and i didn't do anything but i know i can't stop this rampage. Just wish i knew how to deal with this aching sorrow that is in my heart. I have given up on a fairy tale ending but I just hope he comes out of this alive and sober.
Any advice on how i can move forward without constantly thinking about what is happening to him? Thanks for letting me vent
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 39
I am so sorry you are dealing with this Peace. What you have to remember is that whatever happens, be it tonight or a year from now are the result of his choices. Yes, it stinks, but you did not make the choices and have no control over any of it.
That being said...I know that does not make your heart stop hurting. My heart is aching tonight for my ex Abf that I cannot get over, no matter what I do. I worry about him constantly. I know it is pointless, but my heart loves him and it overrules my brain. The pain in unbearable at times and I want to curl into a fetal position and cry.
We have to be stronger than they are and move on. Our lives have value and the show must go on. Read, pray, cry if you need to, but do whatever you can to not dwell on him...I'm speaking from experience. Chances are he is just fine and will be in touch with you very soon. Stay strong. I'm right down the highway from you if you ever want to get together and cry! Hugs, my friend!
That being said...I know that does not make your heart stop hurting. My heart is aching tonight for my ex Abf that I cannot get over, no matter what I do. I worry about him constantly. I know it is pointless, but my heart loves him and it overrules my brain. The pain in unbearable at times and I want to curl into a fetal position and cry.
We have to be stronger than they are and move on. Our lives have value and the show must go on. Read, pray, cry if you need to, but do whatever you can to not dwell on him...I'm speaking from experience. Chances are he is just fine and will be in touch with you very soon. Stay strong. I'm right down the highway from you if you ever want to get together and cry! Hugs, my friend!
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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Originally Posted by peacelovesober 
.......... his addiction is killing everything it comes into contact with.
You've done your best, and he can't improve with you around because he's leaning on you.
When you start feeling guilty tell yourself the truth, that you did what you could to help him, then deliberately change the mental subject. Self-talk really matters at times like these so it helps to have a positive affirmation ready.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Greenville sc
Posts: 137
Beachy I know what you mean about the pain. Somehow the pain of the ending that started years ago is as severe as the first time that this happened. Again I am not shocked by any of this except the way my heart feels. I have said a thousand times enough but I suppose i never actually meant it until now. I know i can't live a happy ever after with an active addict who won't get the help he needs. But its so very hard to let go.
Latte....he had a cell phone but sold it last night for cash so not an option. In a way that was a blessing because I did manage to have a relatively quiet night. I said a lot of prayers and i slept some so im thankful for that.
Feeling great, I know that the process is slow and takes work. I have been on the chaos cycle now for almost 8 years so I know if i invest as much time in my serenity and happiness and sobriety as i did attempting his i will be fine. I knew this day would come and i feel bittersweet. I am relieved that the final string is cut but I am saddened by the idea of not finally getting it together and having a regular marriage.
Who knows why......but I hoped that we were the exception. That he would snap to one day and realize how precious our love was and be the man i married. I know he can't and won't get sober for me but i hope he finds a reason he will. I can't tell him so i will say it here.
Our relationship has suffered all the damages it could and is now severed. I love you, will never want to see you suffer, and pray that with God's help you find your way out of the hell on earth you are walking around in.
Thanks everyone for the support it means a lot as i don't have many people that i can talk to
Latte....he had a cell phone but sold it last night for cash so not an option. In a way that was a blessing because I did manage to have a relatively quiet night. I said a lot of prayers and i slept some so im thankful for that.
Feeling great, I know that the process is slow and takes work. I have been on the chaos cycle now for almost 8 years so I know if i invest as much time in my serenity and happiness and sobriety as i did attempting his i will be fine. I knew this day would come and i feel bittersweet. I am relieved that the final string is cut but I am saddened by the idea of not finally getting it together and having a regular marriage.
Who knows why......but I hoped that we were the exception. That he would snap to one day and realize how precious our love was and be the man i married. I know he can't and won't get sober for me but i hope he finds a reason he will. I can't tell him so i will say it here.
Our relationship has suffered all the damages it could and is now severed. I love you, will never want to see you suffer, and pray that with God's help you find your way out of the hell on earth you are walking around in.
Thanks everyone for the support it means a lot as i don't have many people that i can talk to
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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One suggestion I have is to change your number so you aren't tempted to unblock him to "check" if he's called.
It also has a symbolic value, I believe.
I'm sorry you have had to endure this and sending you support.
It sounds like he needs to hit his bottom and hopefully he will make better choices.
It also has a symbolic value, I believe.
I'm sorry you have had to endure this and sending you support.
It sounds like he needs to hit his bottom and hopefully he will make better choices.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Greenville sc
Posts: 137
I have not came up with the courage to change my number but its a great idea. He called me this morning from his mom's house and its the same story. All i ever wanted was for us to have a home and be together. ....blah blah. I will go to a one year rehab if you will promise you won't leave. I can't make it without you.
Same things over and over. If he wants any of that why in the world does he do what he does! Can he even be capable of telling me what he wants
Same things over and over. If he wants any of that why in the world does he do what he does! Can he even be capable of telling me what he wants
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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He just wants control. Over you, over the world. It's part of the delusion.
Unfortunately, until I let go and surrendered I could not recover. It's the same with alcoholics as it is with codependency. Surrender, and letting go.
Unfortunately, until I let go and surrendered I could not recover. It's the same with alcoholics as it is with codependency. Surrender, and letting go.
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peacelovesober-I am sorry, as I know the heartache of having to let go of somebody you love. It just isn't in your power to fix him, as you already know. Your thoughts are wise, and you will be alright, as you sound like you want to live a good life,,, free from the crazy world your husband would surround you with.
I went through the pain of constantly thinking of the one I loved, but I finally realized that it did no good. Each time I began to think about it again, it was like I was taking up a whip and beating myself with it. That did me no good at all...and that realization helped me a lot.
wish you the best. I hope that you can focus on yourself and your life now. I feel good things ahead for you
I went through the pain of constantly thinking of the one I loved, but I finally realized that it did no good. Each time I began to think about it again, it was like I was taking up a whip and beating myself with it. That did me no good at all...and that realization helped me a lot.
wish you the best. I hope that you can focus on yourself and your life now. I feel good things ahead for you
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Darlington
Posts: 175
Hello
I was where you are at 10 months ago.. its not a pretty ride as your grieving for a life you wanted.
I got therapy and looked at why I would choose to stay in an abusive relationship.
addicts are survivors he won't kill himself or he won't be able to get high. .. its all emotional abuse for you to pity him and take him back.
I am sure he doesn't want to be an addict who would but he has a choice and he's choosing drugs.
that pain you feel will go ... try and sit with it so it stops being so scary don't block it out and realise this man who loves you etc has caused your pain.. We don't hurt people we love xx
detach with love or anger
I was where you are at 10 months ago.. its not a pretty ride as your grieving for a life you wanted.
I got therapy and looked at why I would choose to stay in an abusive relationship.
addicts are survivors he won't kill himself or he won't be able to get high. .. its all emotional abuse for you to pity him and take him back.
I am sure he doesn't want to be an addict who would but he has a choice and he's choosing drugs.
that pain you feel will go ... try and sit with it so it stops being so scary don't block it out and realise this man who loves you etc has caused your pain.. We don't hurt people we love xx
detach with love or anger
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
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I'm not honestly sure you ever "get over it" or "move on". But you DO learn to manage your feelings, and eventually, you do realise that no amount of calling, texting, worrying, anxiety, digging for answers, etc, is going to change your addict, or get you closer to the truth, or help them with their recovery.
My exAH & i have lived mostly apart for the last 6 months. He continually chooses whatever is easiest for himself, which means things are harder for me, and doesn't seem to really care very much about our son.
I have finally gotten to the point where I know exactly what my mood will be if I allow him back into our house, let alone our lives. It is genuinely easier for me to shoulder the burden of parenting, paying the bills and living alone, than it is for me to deal with his lying, selfishness and weird behaviors.
"
Who knows why......but I hoped that we were the exception. That he would snap to one day and realize how precious our love was and be the man i married."
Yep. I truly believed that he would continue to be the man I THOUGHT I was marrying. For two year now, he's progressively moved further and further away from that person than I ever dreamed he could or would. And unfortunately, I've come to understand that a lot of that is due to the fact that he just KNOWS that I will continue to pay the bills for him, work full time, AND take care of our son, while he sits on his ass doing nothing at home...I've never given him a reason NOT to think that.
I kicked him out again over a week ago. This morning on my way to work, I thought I saw him drive past me going the opposite direction.
A few months ago, I would have whipped around and followed him, just to see where he was going, if he was heading to get drugs somewhere, or to meet up with another woman.
Today, I kept on driving. I have an entire life ahead of me, and he will always be backtracking.
And even though there are plenty of times a day that I want to go find him and see if there is anything at all left of the person I fell in love with, I am finally learning to acknowledge those feelings for what they are but to not act on them.
My exAH & i have lived mostly apart for the last 6 months. He continually chooses whatever is easiest for himself, which means things are harder for me, and doesn't seem to really care very much about our son.
I have finally gotten to the point where I know exactly what my mood will be if I allow him back into our house, let alone our lives. It is genuinely easier for me to shoulder the burden of parenting, paying the bills and living alone, than it is for me to deal with his lying, selfishness and weird behaviors.
"
Who knows why......but I hoped that we were the exception. That he would snap to one day and realize how precious our love was and be the man i married."
Yep. I truly believed that he would continue to be the man I THOUGHT I was marrying. For two year now, he's progressively moved further and further away from that person than I ever dreamed he could or would. And unfortunately, I've come to understand that a lot of that is due to the fact that he just KNOWS that I will continue to pay the bills for him, work full time, AND take care of our son, while he sits on his ass doing nothing at home...I've never given him a reason NOT to think that.
I kicked him out again over a week ago. This morning on my way to work, I thought I saw him drive past me going the opposite direction.
A few months ago, I would have whipped around and followed him, just to see where he was going, if he was heading to get drugs somewhere, or to meet up with another woman.
Today, I kept on driving. I have an entire life ahead of me, and he will always be backtracking.
And even though there are plenty of times a day that I want to go find him and see if there is anything at all left of the person I fell in love with, I am finally learning to acknowledge those feelings for what they are but to not act on them.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Greenville sc
Posts: 137
Karrets you are so right. I see the abuse and i am not sure why its so hard to move past it except my own co dependency.
And mnh yeah its hard to finally start to see what is left of the once strong men (or women ) may be the best part or maybe is the worst part. But i suppose its upto us to determine how long we wait to find out. I feel so horrible for wanting to give up and he reminds me that i too used to be an alcoholic and he didn't give up. We just used to get drunk together and then he would get high when i passed out. So does that mean i don't love him? Who knows?
i know that if this is love i don't want anything to do with it but i really don't think this is the way love is supposed to be
And mnh yeah its hard to finally start to see what is left of the once strong men (or women ) may be the best part or maybe is the worst part. But i suppose its upto us to determine how long we wait to find out. I feel so horrible for wanting to give up and he reminds me that i too used to be an alcoholic and he didn't give up. We just used to get drunk together and then he would get high when i passed out. So does that mean i don't love him? Who knows?
i know that if this is love i don't want anything to do with it but i really don't think this is the way love is supposed to be
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Darlington
Posts: 175
Originally Posted by mnh1982
I'm not honestly sure you ever "get over it" or "move on". But you DO learn to manage your feelings, and eventually, you do realise that no amount of calling, texting, worrying, anxiety, digging for answers, etc, is going to change your addict, or get you closer to the truth, or help them with their recovery.
My exAH & i have lived mostly apart for the last 6 months. He continually chooses whatever is easiest for himself, which means things are harder for me, and doesn't seem to really care very much about our son.
I have finally gotten to the point where I know exactly what my mood will be if I allow him back into our house, let alone our lives. It is genuinely easier for me to shoulder the burden of parenting, paying the bills and living alone, than it is for me to deal with his lying, selfishness and weird behaviors.
"
Who knows why......but I hoped that we were the exception. That he would snap to one day and realize how precious our love was and be the man i married."
Yep. I truly believed that he would continue to be the man I THOUGHT I was marrying. For two year now, he's progressively moved further and further away from that person than I ever dreamed he could or would. And unfortunately, I've come to understand that a lot of that is due to the fact that he just KNOWS that I will continue to pay the bills for him, work full time, AND take care of our son, while he sits on his ass doing nothing at home...I've never given him a reason NOT to think that.
I kicked him out again over a week ago. This morning on my way to work, I thought I saw him drive past me going the opposite direction.
A few months ago, I would have whipped around and followed him, just to see where he was going, if he was heading to get drugs somewhere, or to meet up with another woman.
Today, I kept on driving. I have an entire life ahead of me, and he will always be backtracking.
And even though there are plenty of times a day that I want to go find him and see if there is anything at all left of the person I fell in love with, I am finally learning to acknowledge those feelings for what they are but to not act on them.
My exAH & i have lived mostly apart for the last 6 months. He continually chooses whatever is easiest for himself, which means things are harder for me, and doesn't seem to really care very much about our son.
I have finally gotten to the point where I know exactly what my mood will be if I allow him back into our house, let alone our lives. It is genuinely easier for me to shoulder the burden of parenting, paying the bills and living alone, than it is for me to deal with his lying, selfishness and weird behaviors.
"
Who knows why......but I hoped that we were the exception. That he would snap to one day and realize how precious our love was and be the man i married."
Yep. I truly believed that he would continue to be the man I THOUGHT I was marrying. For two year now, he's progressively moved further and further away from that person than I ever dreamed he could or would. And unfortunately, I've come to understand that a lot of that is due to the fact that he just KNOWS that I will continue to pay the bills for him, work full time, AND take care of our son, while he sits on his ass doing nothing at home...I've never given him a reason NOT to think that.
I kicked him out again over a week ago. This morning on my way to work, I thought I saw him drive past me going the opposite direction.
A few months ago, I would have whipped around and followed him, just to see where he was going, if he was heading to get drugs somewhere, or to meet up with another woman.
Today, I kept on driving. I have an entire life ahead of me, and he will always be backtracking.
And even though there are plenty of times a day that I want to go find him and see if there is anything at all left of the person I fell in love with, I am finally learning to acknowledge those feelings for what they are but to not act on them.
I'm glad your having a life again.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Darlington
Posts: 175
I feel so horrible for wanting to give up and he reminds me that i too used to be an alcoholic and he didn't give up. We just used to get drunk together and then he would get high when i passed out. So does that mean i don't love him?
Your not the one giving up.....He is!!
Are you still drinking ? No because you chose a better life for yourself. ... typical addit behaviour tho... trying to keep you down so he can control you and make you feel bad.
Your not the one giving up.....He is!!
Are you still drinking ? No because you chose a better life for yourself. ... typical addit behaviour tho... trying to keep you down so he can control you and make you feel bad.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
Peace, if there's ANYTHING I've learned from dealing with exAH, it's that no matter what your past is, someone who truly loves you & puts you before themselves will not throw it in your face. No matter how much time, energy, etc they used trying to help you, does not mean that they will keep a tally of what you "owe" them for it.
The key phrase here is "used to be". Obviously you are working on your own sobriety & recovery, & he is not.
I have had to finally snap myself out of this idea that my exAH will ever go back to active recovery, or truly do the work it takes to improve our marriage & his relationship with our son. It has been two years. He has not kept getting better.
Unless someone's actions match their words, the words are empty, empty, heavy cans of nothing.
You have to eventually clean out your emotional "house", & unfortunately your addict is the one making the mess. Not you.
The key phrase here is "used to be". Obviously you are working on your own sobriety & recovery, & he is not.
I have had to finally snap myself out of this idea that my exAH will ever go back to active recovery, or truly do the work it takes to improve our marriage & his relationship with our son. It has been two years. He has not kept getting better.
Unless someone's actions match their words, the words are empty, empty, heavy cans of nothing.
You have to eventually clean out your emotional "house", & unfortunately your addict is the one making the mess. Not you.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Sorrow filled heart. ....any advice?
================================================== ====
A little, for what it's worth. You consciously try to think about it
less and less. Before you know it, three days have gone by and your
thoughts have not touched upon the subject of addiction even once.
And then take that worthy accomplishment----
.....................and extend it to forever.....................
================================================== ====
A little, for what it's worth. You consciously try to think about it
less and less. Before you know it, three days have gone by and your
thoughts have not touched upon the subject of addiction even once.
And then take that worthy accomplishment----
.....................and extend it to forever.....................
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