It's finally over
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 85
It's finally over
Hello again,
After my addict was in recovery for about 4 months, things were going great. It was like I had the old him back. When he dumped me, it was out of no where, so I was shocked, and it really broke me. HE initiated contact after 2 months of no speaking. I was angry. Told him I didn't want to talk to him or hear his apology, but as you know, I eventually caved.
We have been seeing each other again for about 2 months. There were so many red flags along the way. He was great for the first month or so, then things began to fall apart. He began to start drinking around this time, and the worse his drinking got, the more our relationship started to crumble. I tried telling his family about the drinking, but it didn't seem to do any good. It all started with him telling me he wasn't ready to commit. He claimed he couldn't commit because he needed to focus on his recovery. I believed this at first until I realized he wasn't as serious about staying clean as he claimed. He then began to distance himself. There were weeks we would see each other almost every day, then weeks were I would barely see him, or not at all. He stopped hanging out with me on the weekends (basically all the free time he has because of work). He then started acting shady about who he was talking to and spending time with. I had my doubts about whether or not I was even the only girl he was seeing, but this is only speculation. He would be selfish about his own life, but seemingly uninterested in mine. So many red flags of relapse. My therapist has me convinced that he's on the verge of picking up the needle, and I honestly wouldn't be surprised. He'll be in prison for 20 years if that's the case, but I guess it's better that than on the streets.
Last night, we broke up. He broke up with me...again. It really should have been on my terms this time, after everything he put me through, but I was the one who chose to stay. I'm really upset about this whole thing, but after talking to my therapist, I'm trying to be more optimistic about it. He's not doing what he needs to do. He's still in continuing care rehab and going to NA meetings about once a week (but not always--another sign of relapse--he also doesn't have a sponsor). He knows the drill. He knows he's not supposed to be doing what he's doing, but he's doing it anyway. He is deliberately ignoring what he knows is best for him, and that's a bad sign. I was the only person in his life (with the exception of his family) who wasn't drinking with him; who refused to accept unacceptable behavior, so he left me. He obviously doesn't want to be around people who hold him accountable for his actions.
Of course I'm sad and upset about it. It feels like I'm starting at square one, being heartbroken all over again. Because of the abrupt way he broke up with me the first time, I think I just really needed to know for sure that it wasn't going to work. Now I know, however heartbreaking it might be. I wish I could have that a-ha moment, but I don't think it's going to happen for me. I think I'm just going to have to keep working on myself and trying to piece together exactly what has happened over the last 2 years of my life so I can fully understand what I need out of relationship instead of relying on someone else to make me happy. I'm terrified of the road to come. I know it's going to be long and miserable, but I just have to keep my eyes on the light at the end that will eventually make me a better, stronger person.
Someone once told me that the loved ones of the addicts are always the ones who suffer the most, and I truly believe that. This has been a painful experience. One so bad that I almost wish that I had never met him most of the time, and love shouldn't make you feel that way. It shouldn't make you ache and worry. He turned me into someone I don't even recognize. I used to be a strong, opinionated person, and he made me into someone who was afraid to speak my mind for fear of angering him or jeopardizing our relationship. He is not a horrible person, but he's not the man I fell in love with either, and I refuse to spend another second settling. I almost feel like someone has stolen something from me. I feel violated. We could have had a chance at something great, but drugs have stolen the person that he once was, and I know he will never be the same. I can only hope that he manages to stay alive.
Anyways, after everything he said he didn't want this breakup to be like the last one. That he didn't want to cut me out of his life completely. He wanted us to remain friends, so that we could maybe try again at another time. He said I could always talk to him if I felt like I needed it. I told him I didn't need his friendship. That I had plenty of friends, and I didn't need another. I told him I loved him and that I thought he was on the cusp of relapse; that I couldn't and wouldn't stick around to watch him self destruct again. I told him that if he really cared about me, he would leave me alone this time, and allow me to move on with my life. Maybe sometime in the future we will be able to sit down and talk, and he will be able to understand how his actions affected the lives of others, but for now I don't think I could bare to see him.
After my addict was in recovery for about 4 months, things were going great. It was like I had the old him back. When he dumped me, it was out of no where, so I was shocked, and it really broke me. HE initiated contact after 2 months of no speaking. I was angry. Told him I didn't want to talk to him or hear his apology, but as you know, I eventually caved.
We have been seeing each other again for about 2 months. There were so many red flags along the way. He was great for the first month or so, then things began to fall apart. He began to start drinking around this time, and the worse his drinking got, the more our relationship started to crumble. I tried telling his family about the drinking, but it didn't seem to do any good. It all started with him telling me he wasn't ready to commit. He claimed he couldn't commit because he needed to focus on his recovery. I believed this at first until I realized he wasn't as serious about staying clean as he claimed. He then began to distance himself. There were weeks we would see each other almost every day, then weeks were I would barely see him, or not at all. He stopped hanging out with me on the weekends (basically all the free time he has because of work). He then started acting shady about who he was talking to and spending time with. I had my doubts about whether or not I was even the only girl he was seeing, but this is only speculation. He would be selfish about his own life, but seemingly uninterested in mine. So many red flags of relapse. My therapist has me convinced that he's on the verge of picking up the needle, and I honestly wouldn't be surprised. He'll be in prison for 20 years if that's the case, but I guess it's better that than on the streets.
Last night, we broke up. He broke up with me...again. It really should have been on my terms this time, after everything he put me through, but I was the one who chose to stay. I'm really upset about this whole thing, but after talking to my therapist, I'm trying to be more optimistic about it. He's not doing what he needs to do. He's still in continuing care rehab and going to NA meetings about once a week (but not always--another sign of relapse--he also doesn't have a sponsor). He knows the drill. He knows he's not supposed to be doing what he's doing, but he's doing it anyway. He is deliberately ignoring what he knows is best for him, and that's a bad sign. I was the only person in his life (with the exception of his family) who wasn't drinking with him; who refused to accept unacceptable behavior, so he left me. He obviously doesn't want to be around people who hold him accountable for his actions.
Of course I'm sad and upset about it. It feels like I'm starting at square one, being heartbroken all over again. Because of the abrupt way he broke up with me the first time, I think I just really needed to know for sure that it wasn't going to work. Now I know, however heartbreaking it might be. I wish I could have that a-ha moment, but I don't think it's going to happen for me. I think I'm just going to have to keep working on myself and trying to piece together exactly what has happened over the last 2 years of my life so I can fully understand what I need out of relationship instead of relying on someone else to make me happy. I'm terrified of the road to come. I know it's going to be long and miserable, but I just have to keep my eyes on the light at the end that will eventually make me a better, stronger person.
Someone once told me that the loved ones of the addicts are always the ones who suffer the most, and I truly believe that. This has been a painful experience. One so bad that I almost wish that I had never met him most of the time, and love shouldn't make you feel that way. It shouldn't make you ache and worry. He turned me into someone I don't even recognize. I used to be a strong, opinionated person, and he made me into someone who was afraid to speak my mind for fear of angering him or jeopardizing our relationship. He is not a horrible person, but he's not the man I fell in love with either, and I refuse to spend another second settling. I almost feel like someone has stolen something from me. I feel violated. We could have had a chance at something great, but drugs have stolen the person that he once was, and I know he will never be the same. I can only hope that he manages to stay alive.
Anyways, after everything he said he didn't want this breakup to be like the last one. That he didn't want to cut me out of his life completely. He wanted us to remain friends, so that we could maybe try again at another time. He said I could always talk to him if I felt like I needed it. I told him I didn't need his friendship. That I had plenty of friends, and I didn't need another. I told him I loved him and that I thought he was on the cusp of relapse; that I couldn't and wouldn't stick around to watch him self destruct again. I told him that if he really cared about me, he would leave me alone this time, and allow me to move on with my life. Maybe sometime in the future we will be able to sit down and talk, and he will be able to understand how his actions affected the lives of others, but for now I don't think I could bare to see him.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
Reading your story, I see a cruel, fickle man who isn't really capable of an mature, honest relationship. And I see a woman who has lost confidence in herself, and given her own power to someone who neither wants nor deserves it.
He'll be back. He'll be knocking on your door or ringing your phone once he needs something, as loving and kind (or manipulative and phony, depending on how you look at it) as ever. They always do. Unless they find someone else.
The question is, how much more of your precious life energy will you waste on this sorry excuse for a man?
He'll be back. He'll be knocking on your door or ringing your phone once he needs something, as loving and kind (or manipulative and phony, depending on how you look at it) as ever. They always do. Unless they find someone else.
The question is, how much more of your precious life energy will you waste on this sorry excuse for a man?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 85
Originally Posted by Needabreak 
Reading your story, I see a cruel, fickle man who isn't really capable of an mature, honest relationship. And I see a woman who has lost confidence in herself, and given her own power to someone who neither wants nor deserves it.
He'll be back. He'll be knocking on your door or ringing your phone once he needs something, as loving and kind (or manipulative and phony, depending on how you look at it) as ever. They always do. Unless they find someone else.
The question is, how much more of your precious life energy will you waste on this sorry excuse for a man?
He'll be back. He'll be knocking on your door or ringing your phone once he needs something, as loving and kind (or manipulative and phony, depending on how you look at it) as ever. They always do. Unless they find someone else.
The question is, how much more of your precious life energy will you waste on this sorry excuse for a man?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear Selpat,
I'm so sorry, I feel your pain
What I learned is I couldn't "fix" my daughters addictions.
The more I tried, the sicker I got and the more manipulating
and angry and controlling they got. So I had to go no
contact.
He doesn't deserve you!
I hope you find support and strength here ar SR.
TF
I'm so sorry, I feel your pain
What I learned is I couldn't "fix" my daughters addictions.
The more I tried, the sicker I got and the more manipulating
and angry and controlling they got. So I had to go no
contact.
He doesn't deserve you!
I hope you find support and strength here ar SR.
TF
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 85
Originally Posted by Twofish
Dear Selpat,
I'm so sorry, I feel your pain
What I learned is I couldn't "fix" my daughters addictions.
The more I tried, the sicker I got and the more manipulating
and angry and controlling they got. So I had to go no
contact.
He doesn't deserve you!
I hope you find support and strength here ar SR.
TF
I'm so sorry, I feel your pain
What I learned is I couldn't "fix" my daughters addictions.
The more I tried, the sicker I got and the more manipulating
and angry and controlling they got. So I had to go no
contact.
He doesn't deserve you!
I hope you find support and strength here ar SR.
TF
I'm sorry you had to deal with your daughter's addiction, but I think we both understand that sometimes no contact is what's best for both parties.
Good luck!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
He obviously doesn't want to be around people who hold him accountable for his actions.
I'm sorry this went down, but I can't say I'm surprised, either.
I will never let this man back into my life again. I tried again. It didn't work. I'm heartbroken, but I'm done.
Hang in there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 85
Originally Posted by zoso77
Ain't that the truth.
I'm sorry this went down, but I can't say I'm surprised, either.
Good. The sooner he's in your rear view mirror, the better off in the long term you will be.
Hang in there.
I'm sorry this went down, but I can't say I'm surprised, either.
Good. The sooner he's in your rear view mirror, the better off in the long term you will be.
Hang in there.
I love him, and I feel bad that things had to be this way. I'm honestly scared that the next time I hear about him, it'll be someone telling me that he's dead or in prison. I'm really trying not to think about it this way, but I can't be there too watch him die. I won't.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
Of course he doesn't want to cut you out of his life. If he did, he knows he would be removing not a loved one, not someone he truly cares about, but a RESOURCE. Someone with money/a vehicle/a place for him to stay/food/a shower...
My exAH tells me daily that he "doesn't want a divorce". Of course he doesn't. That would mean not having the option of using our home as a crash pad, borrowing my car that he views as "ours", etc.
His actions do not say that he is resisting separation or divorce because he loves me, or our son. They say that he is immature, selfish & unmotivated, & simply doesn't want the "headache" for himself.
Too bad.
I don't think it's ever about us not loving our addicts-most of us would NOT have stuck it out even this long if it weren't for love.
It's about choosing to love ourselves more, finally.
And to understand that we deserve to BE loved in a normal, natural, honest way.
Big hugs to you. I love my exAH too. I desperately want him to be the person I thought I married.
It's just not worth waiting around for anymore. His changes now will have to be for HIM. And really, they should have been all along.
My exAH tells me daily that he "doesn't want a divorce". Of course he doesn't. That would mean not having the option of using our home as a crash pad, borrowing my car that he views as "ours", etc.
His actions do not say that he is resisting separation or divorce because he loves me, or our son. They say that he is immature, selfish & unmotivated, & simply doesn't want the "headache" for himself.
Too bad.
I don't think it's ever about us not loving our addicts-most of us would NOT have stuck it out even this long if it weren't for love.
It's about choosing to love ourselves more, finally.
And to understand that we deserve to BE loved in a normal, natural, honest way.
Big hugs to you. I love my exAH too. I desperately want him to be the person I thought I married.
It's just not worth waiting around for anymore. His changes now will have to be for HIM. And really, they should have been all along.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 85
Originally Posted by mnh1982
Of course he doesn't want to cut you out of his life. If he did, he knows he would be removing not a loved one, not someone he truly cares about, but a RESOURCE. Someone with money/a vehicle/a place for him to stay/food/a shower...
My exAH tells me daily that he "doesn't want a divorce". Of course he doesn't. That would mean not having the option of using our home as a crash pad, borrowing my car that he views as "ours", etc.
His actions do not say that he is resisting separation or divorce because he loves me, or our son. They say that he is immature, selfish & unmotivated, & simply doesn't want the "headache" for himself.
Too bad.
I don't think it's ever about us not loving our addicts-most of us would NOT have stuck it out even this long if it weren't for love.
It's about choosing to love ourselves more, finally.
And to understand that we deserve to BE loved in a normal, natural, honest way.
Big hugs to you. I love my exAH too. I desperately want him to be the person I thought I married.
It's just not worth waiting around for anymore. His changes now will have to be for HIM. And really, they should have been all along.
My exAH tells me daily that he "doesn't want a divorce". Of course he doesn't. That would mean not having the option of using our home as a crash pad, borrowing my car that he views as "ours", etc.
His actions do not say that he is resisting separation or divorce because he loves me, or our son. They say that he is immature, selfish & unmotivated, & simply doesn't want the "headache" for himself.
Too bad.
I don't think it's ever about us not loving our addicts-most of us would NOT have stuck it out even this long if it weren't for love.
It's about choosing to love ourselves more, finally.
And to understand that we deserve to BE loved in a normal, natural, honest way.
Big hugs to you. I love my exAH too. I desperately want him to be the person I thought I married.
It's just not worth waiting around for anymore. His changes now will have to be for HIM. And really, they should have been all along.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Originally Posted by Needabreak
Reading your story, I see a cruel, fickle man who isn't really capable of an mature, honest relationship. And I see a woman who has lost confidence in herself, and given her own power to someone who neither wants nor deserves it.
He'll be back. He'll be knocking on your door or ringing your phone once he needs something, as loving and kind (or manipulative and phony, depending on how you look at it) as ever. They always do. Unless they find someone else.
The question is, how much more of your precious life energy will you waste on this sorry excuse for a man?
He'll be back. He'll be knocking on your door or ringing your phone once he needs something, as loving and kind (or manipulative and phony, depending on how you look at it) as ever. They always do. Unless they find someone else.
The question is, how much more of your precious life energy will you waste on this sorry excuse for a man?
I have seen a lot of good, interesting, and out-in-left-field thoughts and writing here on SR. This is about the best. Thanks for writing it.
V/R,
Vale
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 46
I'm so sorry you're going through this again. This post almost mirrors what I went through with my ex. I completely sympathize with you.
I was the one who was finally able to break it off with my ex. Hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I was tired of feeling like I was in limbo all the time (and like our relationship was in limbo). He called all the shots. The relationship became so one sided, even after he went to rehab. It's been a few weeks now since I ended it and blocked his cell phone number, email address, Facebook, etc. I have heard little tidbits of information through mutual friends. I don't believe he's relapsed yet this time, but I think he is pretty close. Apparently he decided to up and quit his job. He had a very good job too, made great money and had excellent benefits and health insurance. The company held his job for him when he went to rehab, and then he came back and quit with no notice. I feel like he came out of rehab even worse than before he went in. He has no goals anymore and zero productivity. All he does is lie around and watch TV and play games on his phone. I was astonished to hear that he quit his job. He's on medications now to prevent relapse and to help manage his anxiety and depression. How is he going to pay for his medications now that he lost his health insurance and has no income?? Oh well, not my problem anymore, thankfully. And your ex is no longer your problem anymore, either. It's time to start putting yourself first again.
You will get through this. You don't deserve any of this. Don't forget your own self worth. Reconnect with your friends and family and stay busy. Pamper yourself or treat yourself to something really special. Keep posting here and reading the forums. We are all here for you <3
I was the one who was finally able to break it off with my ex. Hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I was tired of feeling like I was in limbo all the time (and like our relationship was in limbo). He called all the shots. The relationship became so one sided, even after he went to rehab. It's been a few weeks now since I ended it and blocked his cell phone number, email address, Facebook, etc. I have heard little tidbits of information through mutual friends. I don't believe he's relapsed yet this time, but I think he is pretty close. Apparently he decided to up and quit his job. He had a very good job too, made great money and had excellent benefits and health insurance. The company held his job for him when he went to rehab, and then he came back and quit with no notice. I feel like he came out of rehab even worse than before he went in. He has no goals anymore and zero productivity. All he does is lie around and watch TV and play games on his phone. I was astonished to hear that he quit his job. He's on medications now to prevent relapse and to help manage his anxiety and depression. How is he going to pay for his medications now that he lost his health insurance and has no income?? Oh well, not my problem anymore, thankfully. And your ex is no longer your problem anymore, either. It's time to start putting yourself first again.
You will get through this. You don't deserve any of this. Don't forget your own self worth. Reconnect with your friends and family and stay busy. Pamper yourself or treat yourself to something really special. Keep posting here and reading the forums. We are all here for you <3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 85
Originally Posted by Gettngstronger1
I'm so sorry you're going through this again. This post almost mirrors what I went through with my ex. I completely sympathize with you.
I was the one who was finally able to break it off with my ex. Hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I was tired of feeling like I was in limbo all the time (and like our relationship was in limbo). He called all the shots. The relationship became so one sided, even after he went to rehab. It's been a few weeks now since I ended it and blocked his cell phone number, email address, Facebook, etc. I have heard little tidbits of information through mutual friends. I don't believe he's relapsed yet this time, but I think he is pretty close. Apparently he decided to up and quit his job. He had a very good job too, made great money and had excellent benefits and health insurance. The company held his job for him when he went to rehab, and then he came back and quit with no notice. I feel like he came out of rehab even worse than before he went in. He has no goals anymore and zero productivity. All he does is lie around and watch TV and play games on his phone. I was astonished to hear that he quit his job. He's on medications now to prevent relapse and to help manage his anxiety and depression. How is he going to pay for his medications now that he lost his health insurance and has no income?? Oh well, not my problem anymore, thankfully. And your ex is no longer your problem anymore, either. It's time to start putting yourself first again.
You will get through this. You don't deserve any of this. Don't forget your own self worth. Reconnect with your friends and family and stay busy. Pamper yourself or treat yourself to something really special. Keep posting here and reading the forums. We are all here for you <3
I was the one who was finally able to break it off with my ex. Hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I was tired of feeling like I was in limbo all the time (and like our relationship was in limbo). He called all the shots. The relationship became so one sided, even after he went to rehab. It's been a few weeks now since I ended it and blocked his cell phone number, email address, Facebook, etc. I have heard little tidbits of information through mutual friends. I don't believe he's relapsed yet this time, but I think he is pretty close. Apparently he decided to up and quit his job. He had a very good job too, made great money and had excellent benefits and health insurance. The company held his job for him when he went to rehab, and then he came back and quit with no notice. I feel like he came out of rehab even worse than before he went in. He has no goals anymore and zero productivity. All he does is lie around and watch TV and play games on his phone. I was astonished to hear that he quit his job. He's on medications now to prevent relapse and to help manage his anxiety and depression. How is he going to pay for his medications now that he lost his health insurance and has no income?? Oh well, not my problem anymore, thankfully. And your ex is no longer your problem anymore, either. It's time to start putting yourself first again.
You will get through this. You don't deserve any of this. Don't forget your own self worth. Reconnect with your friends and family and stay busy. Pamper yourself or treat yourself to something really special. Keep posting here and reading the forums. We are all here for you <3
I'm pretty upset that he was the one to end it again, when it so obviously should have been me. I was pretty upset about it at first too so he probably thinks I'm pining over him, but I don't really care anymore. I have realized that this is the happiest I have felt in a long time. No more worrying, no more being put on the back burner. It's done, and I don't have to be sad anymore. Now I can focus on me, and make myself happy so that I can pursue a man who makes my needs and wants a priority, not a second to his drug abuse.
All I really feel is relief. I wish I had listened to everyone on SR a lot sooner. I could have saved myself a lot of time and hurt, but I guess we all have to figure it out for ourselves. I just wish he knew/realized how much happier I am. He probably thinks I'm torn apart, but in reality, I feel like the fog has lifted. He'll know the next time he tries to crawl back and I have no interest in what he has to say.
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 46
Don't beat yourself up over who should have ended it and when. You have to be completely ready. It took me months to be ready. Everyone in the world could have told me to end it with my ex, but I couldn't do it until I was ready. I'm glad that you're happy! Once we get past the initial sadness, it really does feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I don't even think it matters if your ex realizes how much happier you are without him... as long as YOU know you are happy, that's all that matters! He did you a huge favor. Congrats on getting your life back!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 21
selpats, I am sorry that you're going through this difficult time. I know we've spoken by private message a bit, as our situations are so similar.
I just want to say (though it might be annoying to hear while it's all so raw), as someone who has gone through this very recently, everyone is right -- it does get better and you will be glad to have moved on. I remember just months ago, I would read people's responses to my posts and think to myself, "BUT my situation is different. He is different. I am different. What we had before his addiction was different. All this advice from these people doesn't apply to my situation!" Well, I was so wrong. Of course, we are all individuals, but it seems that when addiction and then a lack of real commitment to recovery comes into play, the story usually follows the same pattern.
I finally got wise and realized my interactions with my "recovering" ex were just an emotional roller coaster and any little joy I got from his attention was short-lived. Because I foolishly spent over a year of not having my needs met due to his heroin addiction (unbeknownst to me), I craved and settled for any little attention he gave me in his "recovery" and allowed everything to be on his terms. Well, with those moments of attention and affection came meanness, resentment and fickleness from him (seemingly worse than when he was using is DOC), even when he was the one initiating contact. I wasted time and energy trying to understand and rationalize his behaviors. Eventually, I FINALLY stopped all contact and, while there were moments of sadness, I felt better overall. After a few days, it felt good to at least feel consistent instead of up and down...the only consistency before was the guaranteed hurt and disappointment.
He tried contacting me and I ignored him. I ran into him on the street and he cajoled me into talking to him for longer than I wanted. I learned he had a new girlfriend, also an addict in early recovery...what a surprise! And he made sure to tell me that he used to think he needed someone so different from him like me -- straight-laced, hyper-responsible, morally grounded -- but now he met someone just like him and he realized that's what works best for him. It was predictable and so transparent that I was unphased by this. As my amazing therapist told me, "Aren't you glad you CAN'T be the kind of woman he needs?" My ex also said of his girlfriend, "I want to be with her because she really gets me." Again, I have to quote my therapist: "No, he doesn't want to be with someone who really gets him. He wants to continue to fool himself and someone new."
Yours will probably resurface, so be prepared. Even with his new, "amazing" girlfriend who "gets him", he obsessively called and texted me a week ago. I ignored him and then ran into him and he wanted to tell me all about how he jumped off Suboxone and how well it was going -- I was supposed to be impressed by his 8 days of being off of it. I said, "Congratulations! I have to be somewhere" and left him standing there. I wrote him and told him we should stop all contact until we were further along in our respective recoveries and could have an honest and real friendship. Well, a few days later, he broke no contact and sent me an email with a news article he felt was important for me to get. It wasn't important at all. He has never sent me such an article when we were together. It's funny...now I just roll my eyes when he tries to find some lame excuse to stay in my life. It's just so transparent and childish.
I would have NEVER thought I'd feel this way so soon. Even my friends and family (including those who don't know what I've been through) tell me I look and seem better than ever. Of course, there are moments of sadness. All breakups are a bit sad (the plain ole heartbreak, the ego, etc.), but addiction is especially insidious and so it makes the breakup a bit more confusing and painful. Those moments will quickly become far and few between and then non-existent. The only thing I get upset about now is how much time I wasted during and after our relationship...but I've hopefully learned that when my needs aren't being met (drugs involved or not), I should just leave. And I will likely make better choices in partners, because I realize now he had addict behavior/mentality even before he starting shooting up.
One of the best parts of stepping away from these relationships is that you gain perspective. It's only been a couple of months since I ceased contact with my ex, but I have been able to look back honestly at myself, him and our relationship. Yes, there was a time when things were wonderful (isn't that true in all relationships?), but the reality is that most of the relationship was bad...really, really bad...riddled with addiction resulting in lies, lack of physical and emotional intimacy, broken promises...and they continued into his "recovery" which made it clear that he wasn't in true recovery at all. I was holding onto the idea of someone and his and our relationship's potential, but what good is that? You know, you'll soon feel better and realize how much time, energy and space in your brain you now have -- I was appalled at how much valuable "real estate" this unhealthy person and his addiction were occupying in my life. At first, it's jarring -- you won't know what to do with all of the free time and headspace, but then you'll embrace and enjoy it. I am working out again, focusing on my business, reconnecting with friends and family...it feels amazing!
I don't mean to sound cruel, but even in this short time, I feel like I dodged a bullet with the ending of this relationship. Imagine a potential lifetime of this! That's not to say I wouldn't be with a recovering addict, but they'd have to really be doing the work. I remember sitting in a Nar-Anon meeting and seeing all those people who had addicts in their lives, but not by choice -- parents, siblings, children, etc. I realized I had a choice and I'm glad I finally made that choice. I still care for my ex on some level and I want and hope for him to be and stay healthy, but for now, I can only do that from afar and I'm more than content with that...relieved, in fact.
I am sorry for my rant. I just really feel the need to share some details, because if you had asked my sister or best friend a few months ago about how I was doing, they would have told you it would take me a year to get over it -- I was weepy, unkempt and lost 17 pounds -- but it took fewer than five weeks to snap out of it once I began looking honestly at how he was acting and treating me and with the help of these boards, therapy, Nar-Anon and close friends/family. And it would have taken less time if I had listened to everyone on these boards and stopped contact sooner!
I don't know if this helps at all. I hope so. I am sorry you had to suffer this. Please take care of yourself and write me anytime. I wish you the best.
I just want to say (though it might be annoying to hear while it's all so raw), as someone who has gone through this very recently, everyone is right -- it does get better and you will be glad to have moved on. I remember just months ago, I would read people's responses to my posts and think to myself, "BUT my situation is different. He is different. I am different. What we had before his addiction was different. All this advice from these people doesn't apply to my situation!" Well, I was so wrong. Of course, we are all individuals, but it seems that when addiction and then a lack of real commitment to recovery comes into play, the story usually follows the same pattern.
I finally got wise and realized my interactions with my "recovering" ex were just an emotional roller coaster and any little joy I got from his attention was short-lived. Because I foolishly spent over a year of not having my needs met due to his heroin addiction (unbeknownst to me), I craved and settled for any little attention he gave me in his "recovery" and allowed everything to be on his terms. Well, with those moments of attention and affection came meanness, resentment and fickleness from him (seemingly worse than when he was using is DOC), even when he was the one initiating contact. I wasted time and energy trying to understand and rationalize his behaviors. Eventually, I FINALLY stopped all contact and, while there were moments of sadness, I felt better overall. After a few days, it felt good to at least feel consistent instead of up and down...the only consistency before was the guaranteed hurt and disappointment.
He tried contacting me and I ignored him. I ran into him on the street and he cajoled me into talking to him for longer than I wanted. I learned he had a new girlfriend, also an addict in early recovery...what a surprise! And he made sure to tell me that he used to think he needed someone so different from him like me -- straight-laced, hyper-responsible, morally grounded -- but now he met someone just like him and he realized that's what works best for him. It was predictable and so transparent that I was unphased by this. As my amazing therapist told me, "Aren't you glad you CAN'T be the kind of woman he needs?" My ex also said of his girlfriend, "I want to be with her because she really gets me." Again, I have to quote my therapist: "No, he doesn't want to be with someone who really gets him. He wants to continue to fool himself and someone new."
Yours will probably resurface, so be prepared. Even with his new, "amazing" girlfriend who "gets him", he obsessively called and texted me a week ago. I ignored him and then ran into him and he wanted to tell me all about how he jumped off Suboxone and how well it was going -- I was supposed to be impressed by his 8 days of being off of it. I said, "Congratulations! I have to be somewhere" and left him standing there. I wrote him and told him we should stop all contact until we were further along in our respective recoveries and could have an honest and real friendship. Well, a few days later, he broke no contact and sent me an email with a news article he felt was important for me to get. It wasn't important at all. He has never sent me such an article when we were together. It's funny...now I just roll my eyes when he tries to find some lame excuse to stay in my life. It's just so transparent and childish.
I would have NEVER thought I'd feel this way so soon. Even my friends and family (including those who don't know what I've been through) tell me I look and seem better than ever. Of course, there are moments of sadness. All breakups are a bit sad (the plain ole heartbreak, the ego, etc.), but addiction is especially insidious and so it makes the breakup a bit more confusing and painful. Those moments will quickly become far and few between and then non-existent. The only thing I get upset about now is how much time I wasted during and after our relationship...but I've hopefully learned that when my needs aren't being met (drugs involved or not), I should just leave. And I will likely make better choices in partners, because I realize now he had addict behavior/mentality even before he starting shooting up.
One of the best parts of stepping away from these relationships is that you gain perspective. It's only been a couple of months since I ceased contact with my ex, but I have been able to look back honestly at myself, him and our relationship. Yes, there was a time when things were wonderful (isn't that true in all relationships?), but the reality is that most of the relationship was bad...really, really bad...riddled with addiction resulting in lies, lack of physical and emotional intimacy, broken promises...and they continued into his "recovery" which made it clear that he wasn't in true recovery at all. I was holding onto the idea of someone and his and our relationship's potential, but what good is that? You know, you'll soon feel better and realize how much time, energy and space in your brain you now have -- I was appalled at how much valuable "real estate" this unhealthy person and his addiction were occupying in my life. At first, it's jarring -- you won't know what to do with all of the free time and headspace, but then you'll embrace and enjoy it. I am working out again, focusing on my business, reconnecting with friends and family...it feels amazing!
I don't mean to sound cruel, but even in this short time, I feel like I dodged a bullet with the ending of this relationship. Imagine a potential lifetime of this! That's not to say I wouldn't be with a recovering addict, but they'd have to really be doing the work. I remember sitting in a Nar-Anon meeting and seeing all those people who had addicts in their lives, but not by choice -- parents, siblings, children, etc. I realized I had a choice and I'm glad I finally made that choice. I still care for my ex on some level and I want and hope for him to be and stay healthy, but for now, I can only do that from afar and I'm more than content with that...relieved, in fact.
I am sorry for my rant. I just really feel the need to share some details, because if you had asked my sister or best friend a few months ago about how I was doing, they would have told you it would take me a year to get over it -- I was weepy, unkempt and lost 17 pounds -- but it took fewer than five weeks to snap out of it once I began looking honestly at how he was acting and treating me and with the help of these boards, therapy, Nar-Anon and close friends/family. And it would have taken less time if I had listened to everyone on these boards and stopped contact sooner!
I don't know if this helps at all. I hope so. I am sorry you had to suffer this. Please take care of yourself and write me anytime. I wish you the best.
Last edited by SobRecNYC; 06-18-2015 at 10:19 PM. Reason: Typo
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
Yes, it should of been on your terms.
It's funny. When I found out my xah was using it became out of control. He had the power. I knew it was wrong. But, I was bending over backwards to make him happy and doing everything to keep him. In the end he ran away to someone who had no expectations and allowed his behavior... Someone who babied, paid for, probably supplied and kept him. There was no rational. There was no ethics,morals or goodness coming from him. He was an addict. He was using. All he cared about was being able to use without some nag looking or telling him that it was wrong. He knew it was wrong.
Anyways, my point is YOU need to begin the process of letting him go. He is hurting you. He is a dead weight. He is not capable of giving you what you need. You deserve someone who is clean, respectful and kind. You deserve a man, not a child. Run and don't look back.
It's funny. When I found out my xah was using it became out of control. He had the power. I knew it was wrong. But, I was bending over backwards to make him happy and doing everything to keep him. In the end he ran away to someone who had no expectations and allowed his behavior... Someone who babied, paid for, probably supplied and kept him. There was no rational. There was no ethics,morals or goodness coming from him. He was an addict. He was using. All he cared about was being able to use without some nag looking or telling him that it was wrong. He knew it was wrong.
Anyways, my point is YOU need to begin the process of letting him go. He is hurting you. He is a dead weight. He is not capable of giving you what you need. You deserve someone who is clean, respectful and kind. You deserve a man, not a child. Run and don't look back.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 46
Wow SobRecNYC, very well written. Can I have the name and number of your therapist, too?! I've been there as well. The whole emotional roller coaster that goes with an addict in early recovery. I agree that my ex's negative traits that you described, seemed even worse when he was in early recovery, than when he was using. The inconsistency was enough to nearly drive me crazy. And as I've mentioned a few times, what kills me the most is that he never seemed sorry or remorseful for any of his negative behavior... whether he was using or not. He completely called all the shots. It's good to be away from all of that, and have some sense of consistency and control back in my own life. I don't miss those days AT ALL. I don't miss waiting around for those random acts of attention and affection, waiting for any little crumb he threw to me, when HE felt like throwing it. I don't miss walking on eggshells in his early recovery, not knowing how he would react to anything I tried to do or say. I don't miss feeling like I was in constant limbo, and also feeling like I was just waiting around for him to decide if there was even a place in his life for me anymore. I'm glad I didn't waste too much time. I had been down this road several years ago with a good friend. So when I saw the same patterns starting to emerge with my ex, it didn't take me too long to realize that I was not willing to accept this treatment from him, and I was able to go No Contact fairly quickly (as much as it killed me to do it).
And the big deal about him jumping off Suboxone, spot on with my ex too! Not to mention texting me at 5:00 in the morning once because someone had contacted him the night before and offered him his DOC, and he said no! Oh my god, call the newspapers!! And the broken promises and lack of intimacy that continued into his early recovery, too. I feel better the more I read these forums though, and see that it's not just me, or my ex. This is a painfully familiar scenario that almost everyone has gone through, unfortunately. You hit the nail on the head when you said we have a choice to have these addicts in our lives or not, and a lot of people don't have that choice. I remember one of my friends said that to me a couple of times. This was a terrible thing for any of us to deal with. But I agree with you that it will make us stronger in the end, it will open our eyes, and help us realize what we will and won't accept in a relationship in the future.
Thank you for sharing this.
I've been there as well. The whole emotional roller coaster that goes with an addict in early recovery. I agree that my ex's negative traits that you described, seemed even worse when he was in early recovery, than when he was using. The inconsistency was enough to nearly drive me crazy. And as I've mentioned a few times, what kills me the most is that he never seemed sorry or remorseful for any of his negative behavior... whether he was using or not. He completely called all the shots. It's good to be away from all of that, and have some sense of consistency and control back in my own life. I don't miss those days AT ALL. I don't miss waiting around for those random acts of attention and affection, waiting for any little crumb he threw to me, when HE felt like throwing it. I don't miss walking on eggshells in his early recovery, not knowing how he would react to anything I tried to do or say. I don't miss feeling like I was in constant limbo, and also feeling like I was just waiting around for him to decide if there was even a place in his life for me anymore. I'm glad I didn't waste too much time. I had been down this road several years ago with a good friend. So when I saw the same patterns starting to emerge with my ex, it didn't take me too long to realize that I was not willing to accept this treatment from him, and I was able to go No Contact fairly quickly (as much as it killed me to do it).And the big deal about him jumping off Suboxone, spot on with my ex too! Not to mention texting me at 5:00 in the morning once because someone had contacted him the night before and offered him his DOC, and he said no! Oh my god, call the newspapers!! And the broken promises and lack of intimacy that continued into his early recovery, too. I feel better the more I read these forums though, and see that it's not just me, or my ex. This is a painfully familiar scenario that almost everyone has gone through, unfortunately. You hit the nail on the head when you said we have a choice to have these addicts in our lives or not, and a lot of people don't have that choice. I remember one of my friends said that to me a couple of times. This was a terrible thing for any of us to deal with. But I agree with you that it will make us stronger in the end, it will open our eyes, and help us realize what we will and won't accept in a relationship in the future.
Thank you for sharing this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 85
Thanks again for the support, everyone.
Honestly, I feel so much better. I hardly even miss him. When I wrote this post, I thought I was starting at square one...but this is far from the truth. I feel so much better. I feel FREE. No more worrying, no more heartbreak. I am the only person responsible for my happiness now, and it's empowering. I really do feel like a fog has been lifted. I am starting to realize what a toxic relationship this was, and I'm so happy it's over. In just a few short days, I have been able to reflect on how crappy he made me feel. I thought he made me happy, but the happiness I felt was only when he gave me those short moments of affection, then it was back to feeling depressed when he would leave me hanging.
We don't have any mutual friends and he doesn't use social media so it's pretty easy to forget about him. It's a nice feeling knowing I don't have to know what's going on in his life unless I want to. I have the power now, and I'm not giving it back. Of course I still care about him, and I hope he stays away from heroin and meth, but if I'm being honest, I don't have very much hope for him. I see relapse in his future. For now it's just drinking, but if he keeps that up, he's going to lose control. I can't tell you all what a relief it is to know I don't have to watch that happen.
I'm already starting to feel like myself again. The timid woman he put in the corner is gone, and I know now I will never let another human, drug user or not, boyfriend or not, make me feel that way again. I'm nervous for the road ahead because I know I still have a long way to go, but I think I'm off to a good start. I've always considered myself to be a strong individual. I've made it through hell before, and I'll do it again.
Honestly, I feel so much better. I hardly even miss him. When I wrote this post, I thought I was starting at square one...but this is far from the truth. I feel so much better. I feel FREE. No more worrying, no more heartbreak. I am the only person responsible for my happiness now, and it's empowering. I really do feel like a fog has been lifted. I am starting to realize what a toxic relationship this was, and I'm so happy it's over. In just a few short days, I have been able to reflect on how crappy he made me feel. I thought he made me happy, but the happiness I felt was only when he gave me those short moments of affection, then it was back to feeling depressed when he would leave me hanging.
We don't have any mutual friends and he doesn't use social media so it's pretty easy to forget about him. It's a nice feeling knowing I don't have to know what's going on in his life unless I want to. I have the power now, and I'm not giving it back. Of course I still care about him, and I hope he stays away from heroin and meth, but if I'm being honest, I don't have very much hope for him. I see relapse in his future. For now it's just drinking, but if he keeps that up, he's going to lose control. I can't tell you all what a relief it is to know I don't have to watch that happen.
I'm already starting to feel like myself again. The timid woman he put in the corner is gone, and I know now I will never let another human, drug user or not, boyfriend or not, make me feel that way again. I'm nervous for the road ahead because I know I still have a long way to go, but I think I'm off to a good start. I've always considered myself to be a strong individual. I've made it through hell before, and I'll do it again.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 24
Omg im pretty sure the replies above were meant for me, seems all their behaviours are the same. Lack of acknowledgment for any wrong doings. I kept repeating myself with each text, it's over I can't do this anymore etc and the only response I would get is oh ok, but are you still coming over? And then asked i was excited for a road trip? Broke my heart that he couldn't even admit to what he's done, wish me luck of a no contact day!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 85
Originally Posted by Shanshan
Omg im pretty sure the replies above were meant for me, seems all their behaviours are the same. Lack of acknowledgment for any wrong doings. I kept repeating myself with each text, it's over I can't do this anymore etc and the only response I would get is oh ok, but are you still coming over? And then asked i was excited for a road trip? Broke my heart that he couldn't even admit to what he's done, wish me luck of a no contact day!
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by selpats
I was in your shoes. I kept hanging on because I thought that having him was better than losing him and being sad again. I promise you this is not the case. You will feel so much better when you cut him out. He is a disease to your life.
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