ExAH & his weird "zits"
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
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ExAH & his weird "zits"
This may or may not end up in the Quackers thread also, but for now, let's treat it like a legitimate question...
My exAH has been at our place off & on. We're just separated still, & I've been attempting to give him a chance to prove that he can at least be a decent father. So far, all he's proving is that he has no motivation to get a job, can't be consistent in his actions or his attitude, & is generally just lazy & will never be a decent father, let alone a decent husband.
Anyway, he has had these little bruises on his neck (like petechiae, almost, if you know what those are), that he explains away as being from a scratch, or from "sauter from working on the cabin I've been working on" (mind you, I have no evidence that he's been helping someone build a cabin & getting paid for it, since he hasn't produced any cash, doesn't have a cell phone & doesn't have a reliable vehicle...), or "I don't know, it's just a bruise". Either that or, "It was a zit."
To me, these look like one of two things: injection marks, or hickeys. One of them has gotten infected & he seems to think "it's getting better" but it doesn't look like it to me. He also has come home with what look like cat scratches on his neck & has no logical explanations for those, either.
We all know what a hickey looks like. So my question, I guess, is has anyone else noticed their addict with weird little marks & bruises around the neck area, & if so, what was the excuse used?
My exAH has been at our place off & on. We're just separated still, & I've been attempting to give him a chance to prove that he can at least be a decent father. So far, all he's proving is that he has no motivation to get a job, can't be consistent in his actions or his attitude, & is generally just lazy & will never be a decent father, let alone a decent husband.
Anyway, he has had these little bruises on his neck (like petechiae, almost, if you know what those are), that he explains away as being from a scratch, or from "sauter from working on the cabin I've been working on" (mind you, I have no evidence that he's been helping someone build a cabin & getting paid for it, since he hasn't produced any cash, doesn't have a cell phone & doesn't have a reliable vehicle...), or "I don't know, it's just a bruise". Either that or, "It was a zit."
To me, these look like one of two things: injection marks, or hickeys. One of them has gotten infected & he seems to think "it's getting better" but it doesn't look like it to me. He also has come home with what look like cat scratches on his neck & has no logical explanations for those, either.
We all know what a hickey looks like. So my question, I guess, is has anyone else noticed their addict with weird little marks & bruises around the neck area, & if so, what was the excuse used?
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My exAH has been at our place off & on. We're just separated still, & I've been attempting to give him a chance to prove that he can at least be a decent father. So far, all he's proving is that he has no motivation to get a job, can't be consistent in his actions or his attitude, & is generally just lazy & will never be a decent father, let alone a decent husband.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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I think you're waiting for the smoking gun. I did the same thing. Waited for some epic disaster that would finally give me "the right" to end things with my ex. I had trouble setting appropriate boundaries. Looking back I can see that there were several reasons for this.
First, my bar for what was acceptable behavior had been moved so low that a cockroach couldn't scuttle under it. Second, I didn't have to justify it to him or anyone else. I know addicts are masters at manipulating things so that you somehow feel like the bad guy for protecting yourself and your children by ending an unhealthy relationship. My ex's mom went ballistic when I left, and he is still trying to rewrite history so that his alcoholism isn't part of the story. Third, love, or what I thought was love, was actually fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of "failing" at yet another relationship. Fear of leaving the comfy little rut that I'd dug for myself, however unpleasant the reality was, for some unknown future.
You can end any relationship, anytime and for any reason. I did a trial separation with my ex. He spent the entire time drinking and lying about getting help. Looking back I can see that the entire venture was doomed to failure, but at the time I felt that for some reason I "owed" him another chance. I guess it was probably for our son's sake more than anything.
Sorry I haven't read all your posts, just the last few recent ones. Are you going to any meetings or getting support from a counselor right now? Working on my recovery in Alanon has proved to be one of the best investments I've made with my time. Hugs to you and the kids.
First, my bar for what was acceptable behavior had been moved so low that a cockroach couldn't scuttle under it. Second, I didn't have to justify it to him or anyone else. I know addicts are masters at manipulating things so that you somehow feel like the bad guy for protecting yourself and your children by ending an unhealthy relationship. My ex's mom went ballistic when I left, and he is still trying to rewrite history so that his alcoholism isn't part of the story. Third, love, or what I thought was love, was actually fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of "failing" at yet another relationship. Fear of leaving the comfy little rut that I'd dug for myself, however unpleasant the reality was, for some unknown future.
You can end any relationship, anytime and for any reason. I did a trial separation with my ex. He spent the entire time drinking and lying about getting help. Looking back I can see that the entire venture was doomed to failure, but at the time I felt that for some reason I "owed" him another chance. I guess it was probably for our son's sake more than anything.
Sorry I haven't read all your posts, just the last few recent ones. Are you going to any meetings or getting support from a counselor right now? Working on my recovery in Alanon has proved to be one of the best investments I've made with my time. Hugs to you and the kids.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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Zo, as per usual, = right 
For the most part, the only reason he's even allowed back to see the baby is because legally, I can't keep him from doing so...the divorce isn't final.
But it's certainly on its way to being. Right now, we're in the obligatory 20-day waiting period. He has 20 days to file some sort of response.
None of it is particularly relevant anymore. I guess it just continually amazes me that even in the face of losing his marriage, & therefore all but supervised contact with his son, he continues to lie & guilt-trip & throw tantrums.
Why does it amaze me? I don't know. Nothing should anymore I guess.
For the most part, the only reason he's even allowed back to see the baby is because legally, I can't keep him from doing so...the divorce isn't final.
But it's certainly on its way to being. Right now, we're in the obligatory 20-day waiting period. He has 20 days to file some sort of response.
None of it is particularly relevant anymore. I guess it just continually amazes me that even in the face of losing his marriage, & therefore all but supervised contact with his son, he continues to lie & guilt-trip & throw tantrums.
Why does it amaze me? I don't know. Nothing should anymore I guess.
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If it was just reddish similar to acne I'd say steroids but the bruising indicates something else. If you sense a lie or scam your are probably right being the ex.
Or it could a side effect of some kind from long term or extreme alcohol abuse. But this only confirms the obvious.
Or it could a side effect of some kind from long term or extreme alcohol abuse. But this only confirms the obvious.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
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Yeah...you guys are right. (Like usual :P)...
The proof that his excuses aren't just excuses never materializes.
Last week he didn't reappear from the latest "temporary" separation until Weds. evening. He said he wanted to "talk to me" about everything. He really had nothing to say except that "he never realised that even when he was HERE, he wasn't really present, & he's really upset at himself". (Side note: typical-turning it back around to be all about himself; as if him feeling bad will make ME feel bad that he's upset.)
Thursday, I had the day off & we really didn't do much. Well-that's not true. I did plenty. He sat around at home while I cleaned, walked the dog & took the baby to his doctor's appointment.
Friday morning, I was supposed to go to work. Instead, I got to chase the dog around screaming at him not to poop on the floor, because exAH was too "sick" to get his ass out of bed & take the dog out. While I was screaming at the dog, the baby was screaming because his booster shots gave him a fever & he didn't feel well.
ExAH, while I am literally thundering around the house with a crying baby yelling at the dog who is pooping on the run, all over my carpet, is in the bedroom wrapped up in blankets pretending to be asleep.
Why? Because "his nose was stuffed up & he felt weird & was all sweaty, but he has no idea why & it just started that morning."
Riighhhtt.
How did I get here??? How did I end up getting the wool pulled over my eyes by this person? I was talking to a girlfriend the other day about our similar situations (albeit her fiancee is not a former drug addict) & she blurted out, "DRAMA!!! Who ARE these people?! How is this what I have to deal with in my life? I'm not that kind of person!!"
Good questions, right?
Sending the divorce summons to exAH tomorrow when I have $$$ again.
I'm so tired, you guys...
The proof that his excuses aren't just excuses never materializes.
Last week he didn't reappear from the latest "temporary" separation until Weds. evening. He said he wanted to "talk to me" about everything. He really had nothing to say except that "he never realised that even when he was HERE, he wasn't really present, & he's really upset at himself". (Side note: typical-turning it back around to be all about himself; as if him feeling bad will make ME feel bad that he's upset.)
Thursday, I had the day off & we really didn't do much. Well-that's not true. I did plenty. He sat around at home while I cleaned, walked the dog & took the baby to his doctor's appointment.
Friday morning, I was supposed to go to work. Instead, I got to chase the dog around screaming at him not to poop on the floor, because exAH was too "sick" to get his ass out of bed & take the dog out. While I was screaming at the dog, the baby was screaming because his booster shots gave him a fever & he didn't feel well.
ExAH, while I am literally thundering around the house with a crying baby yelling at the dog who is pooping on the run, all over my carpet, is in the bedroom wrapped up in blankets pretending to be asleep.
Why? Because "his nose was stuffed up & he felt weird & was all sweaty, but he has no idea why & it just started that morning."
Riighhhtt.
How did I get here??? How did I end up getting the wool pulled over my eyes by this person? I was talking to a girlfriend the other day about our similar situations (albeit her fiancee is not a former drug addict) & she blurted out, "DRAMA!!! Who ARE these people?! How is this what I have to deal with in my life? I'm not that kind of person!!"
Good questions, right?
Sending the divorce summons to exAH tomorrow when I have $$$ again.
I'm so tired, you guys...
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
Why is he still staying with you ?
Everything you suspect is true. You know it inside.
As for the possibility of neck injection - this can be lethal. Infections are common and kill or leave someone in the hospital for months. It's his choice tho.
Addicts never leave definitive proof or answers. The search will last til eternity as in my case. What I suspected was always true.
Everything you suspect is true. You know it inside.
As for the possibility of neck injection - this can be lethal. Infections are common and kill or leave someone in the hospital for months. It's his choice tho.
Addicts never leave definitive proof or answers. The search will last til eternity as in my case. What I suspected was always true.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
JOIE, he's not "staying with us" per se. He returns occasionally for a couple of days here & there & only because, legally, I can't keep him out of the apartment or from seeing his child. The divorce isn't final. I suppose I COULD take a restraining order out on him but likely a long-term order wouldn't be granted because (so far) he hasn't been violent or threatening.
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