need2no

I find myself wanting to check this thread frequently to see responses. I appreciate any and all responses. I truly do. I have also reached out to this Hope place that is along the lines of a treatment facility that offers programs of different kinds.
Yesterday they convinced me to come in for a crisis evaluation. I didn't want to go because I didn't want to take the place of people truly in crisis and needing immediate help from hurting themselves or others. Either way, I went. We had many discussions, but it was just an evaluation. I cried a lot. Not because I am sad, but because I am tired --not physically. But weary, drained, etc. I guess they helped me to decide that we needed to work on -- feeling comfortable in uncomfortable situations, ways to help deal with my anxiety, and something else. I am so overwhelmed I can't even remember. So I went back today for a counseling appt. to actually start working on these things.
Do I feel better? I don't know, I spend a lot of time crying. I mean we talk through my tears and all. And most everything we have discussed, I already know or have good insight into, I just have a hard time putting it into action myself.
My biggest obstacles or soon to come are, Father's Day. No matter what I do I won't be doing the right thing. I feel as though I can't let the day go by and not address it in some fashion, but I don't know if I am strong enough to make a phone call. And the next one is the funeral where I might be expected to touch/speak/console my sister. and if I do happen to console anyone else and not her. And that I won't be bringing my children (16,12) to the service. I know that's crazy, the way I feel. Like these are my issues. And now I wonder why I am even posting in this forum. Because the addicts have acted in a way to make the non-addicts behave differently? IDK. I wish that I could take that counselor lady with me in my pocket so she could help me!

CodeJob

Hello Need2no,

I am glad you are getting help. It sounds like you have a lot of emotions. You may have been pushing them down deeper and deeper so you could be 'cold-hearted' and 'distant'.

I think you need to honor your feelings and not be so focused on how others are going to interpret them. If you act in an honest and respectful way (even if detached as much as you are capable), what have you to hide? You cannot control how people are going to back bite and judge your actions.

Your father has been very hateful towards you so I think you have the right to not call directly. Could you send a meal over? With the funeral is their house overrun with people coming and going? You could always include a note with food that covers Father's Day.

I understand your kids not attending the funeral. As for your anxiety about interacting with your sister, you can see again you are worked up about how other people may perceive your actions and non-actions.

Be you. You sound like you have built a good life and should be proud of your accomplishments. You can work through your emotional issues. A counselor will be a great help to you. You can close your eyes at any moment and know there are people on SR who 'get you,' your counselor sounds good, and your partner sounds like he's in your corner too.

Take care and peace in your heart.

CodeJob

Oh! Here is a video of Brene Brown. She is a researcher on shame, vulnerability and other tough emotions. She has some very good You Tube videos, but this one seemed very apt to your situation.

I read her book Daring Greatly and it made me cry to realize I have a lot of emotional issues with vulnerability. A lot of folks here also highly recommend her Gift of Imperfection.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw