I feel I have no right to complain about his addiction cause it's not that bad
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I feel I have no right to complain about his addiction cause it's not that bad
He only smokes weed, is not violent and great with our kids (when he is not spaced out)...reading about what others have been through my situation is very mild. I feel like I have no right to complain, I feel like I need to just suck it up and get over it...I feel like sharing people are prolly like, oh come on sista, let me tell about "real" problems. I'm beginning to feel silly and stupid for even trying to get help with all of this. I think id rather just go to bed and forget any of this happened....
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Originally Posted by Justloveme88 
He only smokes weed, is not violent and great with our kids (when he is not spaced out)...reading about what others have been through my situation is very mild. I feel like I have no right to complain, I feel like I need to just suck it up and get over it...I feel like sharing people are prolly like, oh come on sista, let me tell about "real" problems. I'm beginning to feel silly and stupid for even trying to get help with all of this. I think id rather just go to bed and forget any of this happened....
But what do you think the unintended consequences of that decision would be?
Of many possible ones, here's one. He observes that no matter what he does and how he does it, you're simply going to ignore it. Which will embolden him. Your marriage will cease being the partnership you signed up for. Instead, you'll have one party doing what he wants without giving a damn what the other one thinks.
Could I be wrong about any of this? Of course.
You were in a bad enough place to seek us out. You were in a bad enough place to post. Maybe instead of "going to bed", it's time that you consider what is best for you.
Food for thought on a Saturday night.
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Your right of course. That is really the reason i've looked for help. Our marriage is really more of a partnership in raising kids. I dont know how it is for him, but for me the spark is gone and I'm really no longer attracted to him. He's distant, and emotionally closed off, we barely laugh together. But as long as I tread lightly and don't disapprove of him or his actions we don't fight and if I ignore all of what I don't like, it's a peaceful home. And that is good for my kids, to live in a home that is peaceful. And what love lacks in the marriage, I sure make up for it 10 fold for my girls. They are surely loved and they know it. We keep a good front for the girls though. Marriage is hard even in a home without addiction, and I guess I feel like you have to overlook some if a partners flaws, cause we all have them. I don't know, maybe my brain has been so twisted over the years that I don't even know what is up or down.
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Kids are more sensitive and knowing than adults think.
Is your emotionally closed-off"partnership" with an addict the role model you want your daughters to think is normal when they are old enough to date?
You can both be loving co-parents apart, and I suggest that perhaps your life is worth more than sticking it out for the kids when you are lonely and unfulfilled.
What happens in 1, 5, 10 years as his addiction progresses, because it will?
Is your emotionally closed-off"partnership" with an addict the role model you want your daughters to think is normal when they are old enough to date?
You can both be loving co-parents apart, and I suggest that perhaps your life is worth more than sticking it out for the kids when you are lonely and unfulfilled.
What happens in 1, 5, 10 years as his addiction progresses, because it will?
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My mom was a heavy daily marijuana smoker when I was growing up. I understand what you mean about the emotional distance. It numbs people, they isolate themselves to get high and when they do interact with others it's almost like they're on another plane of existence.
People don't always think of weed as being addictive, but your husband is behaving like an addict- the anger and defensiveness, all to protect his smoking. I believe my mom was addicted. I remember those times when she couldn't get any pot for awhile, and how she would rage at us over nothing. All of her friends smoked. That was really all they had in common.
"Not that bad" is relative. That kind of minimizing was something I always did in unhappy situations. No, my life is "not that bad" compared to child soldiers in Sierra Leone, or concentration camp survivors, but that was never the point, and all that kind of thinking did was fuel my denial and minimization (which is great for the disease of alcoholism or addiction, because they flourish in those conditions). But it was terrible for me and for my sons. And I have to say, once I got away from "not that bad" and was living in an alcoholism and addiction-free space, I started to realize how bad it had actually been, and that the addicts and alcoholics were usually the main ones telling me it wasn't that bad, or that I didn't have anything to complain about.
It's bad enough for you to want something different and better for yourself. You are important here. Have you checked into any other resources for family members of addicts? SR is a great place, and you could also attend Alanon or Naranon meetings. Would your pastor continue to counsel you individually?
Up to now, your purpose has been getting your husband to quit smoking. You've probably seen by now that it's not going to happen unless he really wants to. If you turn that energy onto healing yourself, you will get stronger and healthier, which will help you to set boundaries about what kind of behavior you will accept in your life and your children's lives.
People don't always think of weed as being addictive, but your husband is behaving like an addict- the anger and defensiveness, all to protect his smoking. I believe my mom was addicted. I remember those times when she couldn't get any pot for awhile, and how she would rage at us over nothing. All of her friends smoked. That was really all they had in common.
"Not that bad" is relative. That kind of minimizing was something I always did in unhappy situations. No, my life is "not that bad" compared to child soldiers in Sierra Leone, or concentration camp survivors, but that was never the point, and all that kind of thinking did was fuel my denial and minimization (which is great for the disease of alcoholism or addiction, because they flourish in those conditions). But it was terrible for me and for my sons. And I have to say, once I got away from "not that bad" and was living in an alcoholism and addiction-free space, I started to realize how bad it had actually been, and that the addicts and alcoholics were usually the main ones telling me it wasn't that bad, or that I didn't have anything to complain about.
It's bad enough for you to want something different and better for yourself. You are important here. Have you checked into any other resources for family members of addicts? SR is a great place, and you could also attend Alanon or Naranon meetings. Would your pastor continue to counsel you individually?
Up to now, your purpose has been getting your husband to quit smoking. You've probably seen by now that it's not going to happen unless he really wants to. If you turn that energy onto healing yourself, you will get stronger and healthier, which will help you to set boundaries about what kind of behavior you will accept in your life and your children's lives.
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
"And I have to say, once I got away from "not that bad" and was living in an alcoholism and addiction-free space, I started to realize how bad it had actually been.
There's something in one saying about how we get so used to the morsels of bread crumbs tossed our way that we forget what it's like to eat a big piece of warm bread with melted butter on it. We all deserve warm bread and butter.
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
My mom was a heavy daily marijuana smoker when I was growing up. I understand what you mean about the emotional distance. It numbs people, they isolate themselves to get high and when they do interact with others it's almost like they're on another plane of existence.
People don't always think of weed as being addictive, but your husband is behaving like an addict- the anger and defensiveness, all to protect his smoking. I believe my mom was addicted. I remember those times when she couldn't get any pot for awhile, and how she would rage at us over nothing. All of her friends smoked. That was really all they had in common.
"Not that bad" is relative. That kind of minimizing was something I always did in unhappy situations. No, my life is "not that bad" compared to child soldiers in Sierra Leone, or concentration camp survivors, but that was never the point, and all that kind of thinking did was fuel my denial and minimization (which is great for the disease of alcoholism or addiction, because they flourish in those conditions). But it was terrible for me and for my sons. And I have to say, once I got away from "not that bad" and was living in an alcoholism and addiction-free space, I started to realize how bad it had actually been, and that the addicts and alcoholics were usually the main ones telling me it wasn't that bad, or that I didn't have anything to complain about.
It's bad enough for you to want something different and better for yourself. You are important here. Have you checked into any other resources for family members of addicts? SR is a great place, and you could also attend Alanon or Naranon meetings. Would your pastor continue to counsel you individually?
Up to now, your purpose has been getting your husband to quit smoking. You've probably seen by now that it's not going to happen unless he really wants to. If you turn that energy onto healing yourself, you will get stronger and healthier, which will help you to set boundaries about what kind of behavior you will accept in your life and your children's lives.
People don't always think of weed as being addictive, but your husband is behaving like an addict- the anger and defensiveness, all to protect his smoking. I believe my mom was addicted. I remember those times when she couldn't get any pot for awhile, and how she would rage at us over nothing. All of her friends smoked. That was really all they had in common.
"Not that bad" is relative. That kind of minimizing was something I always did in unhappy situations. No, my life is "not that bad" compared to child soldiers in Sierra Leone, or concentration camp survivors, but that was never the point, and all that kind of thinking did was fuel my denial and minimization (which is great for the disease of alcoholism or addiction, because they flourish in those conditions). But it was terrible for me and for my sons. And I have to say, once I got away from "not that bad" and was living in an alcoholism and addiction-free space, I started to realize how bad it had actually been, and that the addicts and alcoholics were usually the main ones telling me it wasn't that bad, or that I didn't have anything to complain about.
It's bad enough for you to want something different and better for yourself. You are important here. Have you checked into any other resources for family members of addicts? SR is a great place, and you could also attend Alanon or Naranon meetings. Would your pastor continue to counsel you individually?
Up to now, your purpose has been getting your husband to quit smoking. You've probably seen by now that it's not going to happen unless he really wants to. If you turn that energy onto healing yourself, you will get stronger and healthier, which will help you to set boundaries about what kind of behavior you will accept in your life and your children's lives.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Originally Posted by Justloveme88
Your right of course. That is really the reason i've looked for help. Our marriage is really more of a partnership in raising kids. I dont know how it is for him, but for me the spark is gone and I'm really no longer attracted to him. He's distant, and emotionally closed off, we barely laugh together. But as long as I tread lightly and don't disapprove of him or his actions we don't fight and if I ignore all of what I don't like, it's a peaceful home. And that is good for my kids, to live in a home that is peaceful. And what love lacks in the marriage, I sure make up for it 10 fold for my girls. They are surely loved and they know it. We keep a good front for the girls though. Marriage is hard even in a home without addiction, and I guess I feel like you have to overlook some if a partners flaws, cause we all have them. I don't know, maybe my brain has been so twisted over the years that I don't even know what is up or down.
Yes, we all have flaws. It's part of our imperfect existence in this life. But addiction is somewhere down the line beyond a simple flaw in someone's makeup.
Whatever flaws you may personally have simply do not compare in magnitude to the manifest carnage of drug addiction. Addiction is really a feedback loop gone amok. It's self sustaining, it's unstable, and it tends to take out those in proximity to it. All the proof you need is contained herein. We have mothers of addicted children. We have current and former wives of addicted husbands. We have girlfriends of addicted men. All share the same misery.
We're (usually) not couples counselors here, and in your case, there are issues that go beyond the purview we have at SR. So I can't really tell you what to do about your marriage. But what I will tell you is you need to be honest with yourself. That is often difficult. You have to ask yourself what it is you and your children need going forward, and there's little to no margin or room for bullsh!t.
If you can be honest with yourself, then that sets you on the path so that you can make the best decisions possible.
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...it's not that bad...
An illegal habit in most states that costs money, time and effort that could be going elsewhere isn't that bad?
Setting aside more and more studies are showing problems with pot addiction how about NOT great with kids when spaced out? This is supposed to be an adult parent to supposed to be able to take care of himself and family.
An illegal habit in most states that costs money, time and effort that could be going elsewhere isn't that bad?
Setting aside more and more studies are showing problems with pot addiction how about NOT great with kids when spaced out? This is supposed to be an adult parent to supposed to be able to take care of himself and family.
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