Rocstardj

I've been with my wife for 12yrs...she's been on heroin for two yrs..and before that percocets...its been a hard two yrs we have three young kids..boys 7&9 and a baby girl thats 3...im new to this forum..what I'm writing right now is after my wife was gone for 2 weeks (i put out a missing person's report) i found her begged her to come back...i found she was prostituting herself for drugs...while she was back for a week she went through $800 of our money...and i found heroin in the house...i gave her choice to leave or go in treatment...she was dope sick but decided treatment...i found her in-house treatment and she is there now...she is calling me everyday sounding better...the problem?? i just received in the mail letters from her drug boyfriend in jail...saying how much he loves her...he seems to think she is pregnant by him and he wants her to bail him out..etc.. now i know she hasn't got her period in a few months..but I WAS THERE when she got her tubes tied...i was beginning to find peace that she was getting help now this...my question is when she calls she only has a few minutes should i ask her about this???? i know her disease causes her to lie but this.....i don't know should i believe she loves this guy!??? while I'm here taking care of the household and our three young kids????

Latte

Welcome, I am so glad you are here. You are not alone.

As an addict in recovery, can I ask you-please find an Al Anon meeting. I know it won't be easy-but all of these questions you have, they can give you relief.

Rocstardj

i agree i found Al Anon meetings in my area.. i need one asap...wanted to go tonight but my kids have a talent show since I'm the only parent I'm gonna have to go...but she is gonna call today cause they give her a few minutes to call everyday...so should i ask her about this..just continue to encourage her what? Can i believe her even now in therapy and treatment?

Latte

Call the local AlAnon number. I would bet someone will talk to you. I've been given all kinds of support over the telephone from 12 step members. My experience is that they are more than happy to do this-"I can only keep what I give away."

hopeful4

Oh wow. I am so sorry for the reason you are here, however, I am glad you found this forum. My best advise is to take care of yourself and your kids. When she shows you through her behavior who she is, believe it. Follow your gut.

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

ladyscribbler

Wow, so sorry you and your kids are experiencing this. Glad your wife is in a safe place right now. Good call on looking into Al-Anon. Don't worry about missing tonight. Most areas have several options, so hopefully you can find one that fits your schedule. I found a daytime meeting that I can attend while my boys are in school. You could also try Celebrate Recovery. Several members here have had good results with CR. It's a similar type of program, and they also have programs for younger children. I know childcare can be an obstacle for getting to meetings.
Enjoy the talent show. I went to one of those myself a couple of weeks ago, and it was fun.
The level of drama created by such severe addiction really just sucks all the oxygen out of the space it occupies. There's no room for anything else to exist. It sounds like you're getting the priorities in order- you and the kids first. She is being taken care of by experts. Let them do their job. Just because she has time to call every night doesn't mean you have to respond to every crazy thing she says. Maybe just let her talk to the kids for now, while you're processing all of this. You've got a lot on your plate without worrying about any extra nonsense. That's what rehab is for, to help her sort her stuff out, and you don't have to take delivery of every bit of bullcrap that gets thrown you way- the jailbird druggie bf, the "pregnancy", her lies. Maybe you can forward those letters to rehab and dump them in her counselor's lap. They get paid to deal with that stuff.
Take care of yourself and keep posting. It's easy for your needs to get lost in the shuffle with so much other stuff going on. Try to give yourself a break.

zoso77

Welcome to the Board.

Usually when newcomers come to us in emotional crisis, I'm not as direct with them as I'm about to be with you. So forgive me if I come across as cold.

Ditch her. Now.

Why? Well, there's a bunch of reasons. One is she was turning tricks for drugs. Another is she's got a boyfriend. Apparently, her marriage vows mean far less to her than drugs and her boyfriend do.

But the biggest reason is someone needs to be the responsible parent for your three children, and she isn't it. Statistically speaking, the chances of her finding recovery after abusing opiates for as long as she has are not good. Yes, she sounds good, but that means nothing. The only thing that matters are her actions, and her actions unequivocally show she cannot be trusted.

Yes, this sucks. Yes, this hurts. But you can survive this, and the way you do that is by throwing down an incredibly hard, impermeable boundary. The kids come first. Period. Then, you can allow yourself to heal.

As I said, normally I'm not this direct with new members. But her sins are especially egregious and heinous, and as someone who's both lived this movie and seen it a bunch of times, this is a time where a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. Lose her, protect your kids, and move on.

Please keep us posted, and if you want to PM me and talk about things, I'll be around.

Rocstardj

Zoso77 i just started on this forum today so i don't know how to PM yet...but my some of my questions are...so you think she cannot get better? never be a wife to me again? why do you think this because of the particular things she did? Is this stuff you CANT come back from? sorry for all the questions but your the first person this direct and i need to no more..and WHY do you believe these things?? once i figure out how to PM i will...

KissMyTiara

I absolutely do NOT believe you should ditch her now. Unless....this is not the first time she has done this. Yes, she has been addicted for awhile apparently. Has she been in treatment before? That might make a difference. If this is the first time, then I would give her a chance to get it together.

And the thing with the letters? Sounds like another druggie that just wants someone to bail them out of jail. Obviously you know she isn't pregnant if you were there when she had her tubes tied.

Bottom line if this is the first time she is in treatment, give it a good go. For yourself and your children. If it continues then that is the time to reconsider.

Rocstardj

she was in inpatient treatment once before last year but she left after about 10 days...but when she left (i didn't want her to leave)she signed herself into out patient treatment got methodone and was actually good for months...no she hasn't done stuff like this before I was honestly VERY surprised because the women i knew....would NEVER....as far as this guy in jail..i don't know..she was lying to me about it cause i was questioning phone calls n texts...but loving him?? i don't get it thats the type of guy who she would feel insulted if they talked to her....this disease has changed her to a person i really don't know....

Rocstardj

oh and this guy? she met him in treatment for methadone....at least step up from me...smdh

zoso77

Once you have 5 posts or greater under your belt, you can left click on my name and send me a private message.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Rocstardj

Zoso77 ok i will hit you up....one final question to everybody i was gonna ask this at an al anon meeting but can't go otw to my kids talent show...should i write this guy back??? (i already wrote the letter)

zoso77

I'm glad you're going to a meeting. My hope is you overcome the initial discomfort and allow yourself to listen to how others have dealt with a loved one's addiction issues. There's a lot of wisdom to be heard in those meetings. They saved my sanity.

As for the letter, use your best judgment.

ladyscribbler

It's kind of scary that this dude knows where you and your children live. I understand the urge to set him straight, but it might be safer to leave that particular nest of vipers alone. This is your wife's thing. She should start being honest about all this stuff if she really wants recovery and another chance at a life with you and your children.
You could just send his letters back to him and write "moved, no forwarding address" or something.