hazeleyes0204

Hi , I've never been on a forum or have ever asked for anyones advice before so I'm very new to this please forgive me and be patient with me. I'm 23 in college or my BA with a 3.4 GPA . my father is an alcoholic and my mother has been arrested for running a scam in pharmacies to get prescription pain killers. I myself have been very blessed not to give into this hereditary disease or have ever felt curious enough to try a narcotic, I have drank alcohol occasionally but never formed a habit. I didn't really come here to talk about them.
When I was sixteen years old I had the chance to fall head over heels with a boy who worked in a store near my house , I would visit him every time he worked and just to make small talk and see him smile, I liked it when he made me smile, afraid and full of doubt I was ever his type, I wound up dating someone else for five years and towards the end of that relationship it started getting violent so I left and was alone and focused on myself work and school . God works in mysterious ways because just like that I walked into the love of my life's path again. Only to find something a little unsettling and different about him , people started telling me to stay away from him that he does pills. I confronted him as I knew I was falling more and more in love with him , I knew if this were true I had to walk away but he told me he hadn't touched them. I always noticed erratic behavior in my boyfriend but he told me it was his social anxiety. I'm sorry if this is long I will cut to the chase. Seven months down the line after asking and arguing with him and starting a treatment program he has finally told me the truth. for the past few months he has been doing it at once a week (from what he tells me ) I am just so hurt and he tells me he lied because he is afraid of losing me I just feel so hurt I know it has nothing to do with me I am not trying to sound selfish. Im so proud o him he is going away to a 9 month program and he tells me he wants to better himself not only for me he needs and wants to for himself. I don't really know if I'm asking for advice or honestly just looking for someone who understands my pain. I don't cry in front of him or blame him he has never stolen money from me , asked me for anything. So many stories I have read are nothing like mine and I am very blessed for that I just have read a lot of negative things so it makes me nervous , I feel that god has put me in his path something years later for a reason but still there is a little seed of doubt. I love him and I can see he loves me I feel it I've never felt anything like this before. It's not the time away I'm worried about if he needed to be there a year I wouldn't care as long as he gets all the support and help he needs. I guess what I'm truly wondering is why am I in such a wreck ? I cant stop crying. Thank you very much for taking out the time to read this I am in distress

megsykreeg

I feel for u. I would caution to not believe him until he's had a significant time in recovery. Addiction is a disease and they lie to everyone including themselves. It's completely normal to cry. Even though he's choosing recovery u still need to recover yourself. Let yourself cry. If u really believe God put him back in your path for a reason just keep praying. When me and my husband were just dating everyone told me I should run away. I loved him too much to do that. Now four years into marriage I am going through his relapse that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Please really seek God. I'm glad he has chosen recovery. Let him focus on that while you focus on you. There is hope. Hold onto that. Lots of people get clean and never go back. Some like my husband relapse and struggle. A 9 mon program sounds like a great first step.

zoso77

hazeleyes...

Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for what has brought you here, but I'm thankful you found us. Other members will be by to greet you and offer you comfort. In the meantime, I'd like to share my thoughts with you.

When I see young girls come to us, I've got a bit of a protective instinct that kicks in because I have nieces that are around your age. The fact that you're in college speaks of your ambition and your desire to do something with your life. And the fact that you've overcome the hardships your parents presented you speaks volumes of your strength.

We're not couples counselors here. What we try to do is help members make the best decisions they can for themselves. Sometimes new members don't know what that is. Others do, but need to be pointed in that direction. And I suspect, whether you believe it or not, you fall in the latter category.

Right now, you have been presented with an opportunity that you perhaps didn't want. He's going to be gone for 9 months. The question is ultimately what do you want to do with that time. My hope is you continue your education and you continue to grow. Maybe you can hit the road this summer and go somewhere you've never been. My point is it's a big world out there, hazeleyes, and you're only aware of a tiny little bit of it. So see what's out there. Work on you.

Now, this won't be easy. He's gone for 9 months, and I appreciate your apprehension about that. But kid, the truth is there's nothing you can do about that. He needs to find a better path for himself if he's to survive (and it really is life or death for him). So work on you. Think about what is best for you. And be aware that what's best for you may not necessarily be what you want. And maybe in 5 months, what you want will be different than what you want today.

Live your life. Take it all in, one moment at a time.

Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.

ladyscribbler

My father is an alcoholic, and my mother abused drugs when I was growing up. I was always the good girl- studied hard, high GPA, did everything the way I was supposed to.
Except relationships. I was smart in so many ways, but my love life was always a mess. I always fell hard for the wrong guys- drinkers, abusers, and just losers in general. But I LOVED them. I saw so much potential in them. I just knew that my love would fix their problems.
Guess how that worked out.
Basically I was reenacting my relationship with my alcoholic father, trying to work out all my issues. If I could just get an alcoholic (or whatever) to love me enough to stop drinking (or doing whatever), then that would somehow fix everything that was twisted up inside me.
Guess how that worked out.
Coming from where you've been, I wish I had started going to Alanon meetings in my 20s instead of waiting another decade. It would have saved me a lot of heartache and trouble. I also do individual therapy. While this guy is gone, do some recovery work on yourself. You've dodged a bullet as far as the addiction gene, but you still inherited the warped ideas of love and crazy family dynamic that goes along with addiction. It's not your fault, and you can heal yourself and move on from this pain.
Glad you found us.

hazeleyes0204

Hey I just wanted to say thank you so much for taking the time out and responding to me and thank you for sharing that with me I feel there is hope and you are a very strong person. I pray for you and your husband and I hope he gets better thank you for being so honest with me. I know no matter what it's going to be hard and a rough journey but I never realized I have to help my self this whole time I've felt selfish and foolish

hazeleyes0204

Thank you so much , your kind words have made me realize not to worry so much about my relationship but the time I have to better myself I mean only time will tell what happens but I have strong faith and want to be faithful to him give him a chance but I need to also give myself. Chance thank you so much again and I will stay in touch !

hazeleyes0204

I am so happy I found this source also and your story makes me feel a lot better for along time Ive felt alone my mother left me when I was young taking both my brothers and only using me for money but I've never been tolerable of people with this disease as I was so bitter towards my own family im not saying I couldn't be under the same situation like you were and I definyely think I need to start going to therapy I look for alnon meetings near me but their are not a lot and the only one I know of my boyfriends mom goes to so I don't know what I should do ( I love her not that I don't want to go but there are some things I would like to speak about without her being upset or perhaps thinking my parents ways will come out in me ) once again thank you this outreach means a lot i know I need to learn a lot more about addiction not only for my relationship no mater what happens but for my own self I never really thought about going because of my own family members once again thank you I really appreciate it

JOIE12

you could look up naranon or coda meetings in your area since your boyfriend's mom attends the alanon there.

Life is too short to have regrets but i know that I have always had to make my own mistakes. What i discovered was that each time I said that to whomever was telling me i was making a mistake, i already knew it with my response .... "let me make my own mistakes" - it never occured to me that if I didn't think it was a mistake - i would have said something different. Others can see what i couldn't. And so here we are -

I read here for almost 3 years before I posted my first time. I read and absorbed while i lived with all of the events, heartache, pain and tears. I just always thought that he would get better. Even after reading how most every story would end with sadness, financial messes, crimes, jail, etc.

I made my own mistake. I take responsibility for that. I never asked anyone to help me or shoulder the costs. But they did, because anyone who cares about me suffered along with me. They are okay now, and i will live with this forever.
My ABF of 3 years died in March of this year. I wasted 3 years with joy and a pain so incredible that it will last forever. I wish I knew that no one else had to feel this. I wish that at 23, with college and great GPA - you grabbed all that you have and persue your greatest goal for your life and future family.

You can't save him.

I'm not sure where he's going for 9 months, but i feel a bit uncomfortable with this. Addicts lie and lie and tell everyone what they want to hear. I sense some info in your post that perhaps he has not told you the 'whole' truth. He was most likely not only using once a week. And it was for a lot longer than he admits to.

Eventually we realize that we nearly never hear the truth.

And that hurts. but it's nothing like living with regrets for 'years'. Sticking in there without a 'real' relationship. Without the basic things that we need.

Please read like crazy here. Everything that you can. Each story has something in it.

Take the time to feel what you do. Addicts are unable to be in a real relationship while they are actively using. They need at least a year after quitting before they can even attemp to understand what a relationship requires. And down the road, they can relapse any time. Are you willing to go thru this again and again ? I wanted to believe that it would never happen again but as soon as they exit detox or rehab, often have to 'try' it again. Its a painful and sad cycle.

No one can choose your path but as a mom, i know what i hope you choose. No one deserves this - however, we make our own decisions and you will be responsible to only yourself if you stay.

Best to you and hugs - go to meetings and read the stories here and also about codependency. I found some different kind of stories on the Substance Abuse forums too - from those who are using or recovering addicts.
Joie