New here...kind of
Stay positive.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 84
New here...kind of
Hi everyone 
I'm new to this particular board, but not the SR. Group. I joined back in November dealing with an alcohol addiction and have since been on again off again, but I'm trying. The reason I'm here is my boyfriend. We live together and have been dating for two years. I find him to be the love of my life, we have been through so much together in this short time already and he has always been my support. I'm not going to ramble, so I'll get right to the point. My bf has been in recovery for gambling since October of last year, no issues there. He has a history of drinking too much and back in college he used cocaine frequently (this was 10 years ago). I have seen him drunk, but never EVER on drugs. He works a job where he gets drug tested frequently so I know he is not using. He has completely transformed his life in this past year after getting help,with his gambling addiction I have been so proud of him. I haven't seen him drink heavily in over 6 months... Maybe just a beer with dinner. This past weekend we decided since it was nice out we would sit outside and have bloody Mary's and grill. I had 2 drinks with very little alcohol to his 5. When I went inside to get tableware the entire bottle of vodka was gone. When I went back out I asked him where it went he said he just polished it off their wasn't much left. I didn't think much of that. As we sat outside eating be kept asking if we wanted get a cab and go into town and drink at a bar. I said no, I was tired and I was already feeling a buzz I didn't want a hangover, PLUS he had a car inspection the next morning at 8 AM an hour aWay. He hounded me about going out for an hour then finally gave up. Eventually we went inside and he was watching sports and I was playing on my iPad. Around 9pm I could barely stay awake. I told him I was going to bed and to come in when the game was over... He said ok he will be in shortly.
Fast forward to 12:30 am. He enters the room, lays next to me and says "hey baby we have a visitor". Ummmm??? I was half asleep and had no idea what he was talking about. He told me his cousin Bobby (very bad seed... Alcoholic/junkie/thief) was outside the apartment and was dropped off there by a friend after a party he was at got busted. My bf told me he needed a place to crash. It took me a minute to realize he was totally lying. My bf changed his phone number back in October and only 8 people have it plus his coworkers, and Bobby was blocked from his old phone due to them getting in trouble together years ago. I asked how Bobby got his number, he said his other cousin gave it to him. Well I don't play games, I called his other cousin and asked why he would give out my boyfriends number. Low and behold, he didn't. Surprise surprise. My bf then confessed that while I was asleep he drove (drunk) to a bar 20 minutes away and met Bobby, AND took 150$ out of our account and drank more. Then I did the math. He was at the bar from 10pm until 11:45 and spent 150$? It didn't add up. I told him that him and Bobby need to sit outside until their sober and go I am not even dealing with lies, I have been through a lot this year (story for another day). They ended up leaving again, going to another bar (I have his find my iPhone) and drinking until 4am. He turned his location services off at 2am. No word from him by 9am the next morning. No idea where he was. Didn't sleep at all... I feared the worst. Called his mom, she didn't hear or see him (he was supposed to sleep there when I told him to go) called every hospital and police station in a 25 mile radius, nothing. 3 hours later his location services are on and I can see he was in a shopping center parking lot 4 miles away. I get in my car and find him passed out, key in ignition reeking of booze. I tap on his window and he has NO idea who I am. I kept asking him who I was and he kept telling me he didn't know. Then I told him, and he goes "oh yeah! Why are you visiting me at work!?" I couldn't believe it. I had to argue with him for 20 minutes to get in my car and come home and that he wasn't at work, eventually he complied, got him home and he slept for 8 hours. During this time I was completely numb. I don't think I started processing it until yesterday. I kept busy, i gardened, and I went to go get a drug trust for him.
He woke up and could barely stand. I said before you talk to me you need to pee in this cup. He said no because he would fail it, he was doing coke the night before. Stab through my heart, but I knew it. He had a massive relapse and I have never seen him like this ever. He cried and cried all night into the morning waking me up sobbing many times. No doubt he is remorseful but I can't even LOOK at him. I am disgusted. Mostly shocked because everything was going so well for him/us. He got an amazing new job, we got a new apartment,I got into grad school... Our love had never been stronger. We went to his counselor he sees for gambling (addictions counselor) on Monday and I just lost it in there. I am just so confused. Part of me wants him to get out of my life because of what he did, and part of me wants to forgive him. I forgave him for his lies with gambling last year and stood by his side emotionally and financially during that... And now this. I am so so torn. My heart aches. I don't know what to do
sorry for the long read.
I'm new to this particular board, but not the SR. Group. I joined back in November dealing with an alcohol addiction and have since been on again off again, but I'm trying. The reason I'm here is my boyfriend. We live together and have been dating for two years. I find him to be the love of my life, we have been through so much together in this short time already and he has always been my support. I'm not going to ramble, so I'll get right to the point. My bf has been in recovery for gambling since October of last year, no issues there. He has a history of drinking too much and back in college he used cocaine frequently (this was 10 years ago). I have seen him drunk, but never EVER on drugs. He works a job where he gets drug tested frequently so I know he is not using. He has completely transformed his life in this past year after getting help,with his gambling addiction I have been so proud of him. I haven't seen him drink heavily in over 6 months... Maybe just a beer with dinner. This past weekend we decided since it was nice out we would sit outside and have bloody Mary's and grill. I had 2 drinks with very little alcohol to his 5. When I went inside to get tableware the entire bottle of vodka was gone. When I went back out I asked him where it went he said he just polished it off their wasn't much left. I didn't think much of that. As we sat outside eating be kept asking if we wanted get a cab and go into town and drink at a bar. I said no, I was tired and I was already feeling a buzz I didn't want a hangover, PLUS he had a car inspection the next morning at 8 AM an hour aWay. He hounded me about going out for an hour then finally gave up. Eventually we went inside and he was watching sports and I was playing on my iPad. Around 9pm I could barely stay awake. I told him I was going to bed and to come in when the game was over... He said ok he will be in shortly.Fast forward to 12:30 am. He enters the room, lays next to me and says "hey baby we have a visitor". Ummmm??? I was half asleep and had no idea what he was talking about. He told me his cousin Bobby (very bad seed... Alcoholic/junkie/thief) was outside the apartment and was dropped off there by a friend after a party he was at got busted. My bf told me he needed a place to crash. It took me a minute to realize he was totally lying. My bf changed his phone number back in October and only 8 people have it plus his coworkers, and Bobby was blocked from his old phone due to them getting in trouble together years ago. I asked how Bobby got his number, he said his other cousin gave it to him. Well I don't play games, I called his other cousin and asked why he would give out my boyfriends number. Low and behold, he didn't. Surprise surprise. My bf then confessed that while I was asleep he drove (drunk) to a bar 20 minutes away and met Bobby, AND took 150$ out of our account and drank more. Then I did the math. He was at the bar from 10pm until 11:45 and spent 150$? It didn't add up. I told him that him and Bobby need to sit outside until their sober and go I am not even dealing with lies, I have been through a lot this year (story for another day). They ended up leaving again, going to another bar (I have his find my iPhone) and drinking until 4am. He turned his location services off at 2am. No word from him by 9am the next morning. No idea where he was. Didn't sleep at all... I feared the worst. Called his mom, she didn't hear or see him (he was supposed to sleep there when I told him to go) called every hospital and police station in a 25 mile radius, nothing. 3 hours later his location services are on and I can see he was in a shopping center parking lot 4 miles away. I get in my car and find him passed out, key in ignition reeking of booze. I tap on his window and he has NO idea who I am. I kept asking him who I was and he kept telling me he didn't know. Then I told him, and he goes "oh yeah! Why are you visiting me at work!?" I couldn't believe it. I had to argue with him for 20 minutes to get in my car and come home and that he wasn't at work, eventually he complied, got him home and he slept for 8 hours. During this time I was completely numb. I don't think I started processing it until yesterday. I kept busy, i gardened, and I went to go get a drug trust for him.
He woke up and could barely stand. I said before you talk to me you need to pee in this cup. He said no because he would fail it, he was doing coke the night before. Stab through my heart, but I knew it. He had a massive relapse and I have never seen him like this ever. He cried and cried all night into the morning waking me up sobbing many times. No doubt he is remorseful but I can't even LOOK at him. I am disgusted. Mostly shocked because everything was going so well for him/us. He got an amazing new job, we got a new apartment,I got into grad school... Our love had never been stronger. We went to his counselor he sees for gambling (addictions counselor) on Monday and I just lost it in there. I am just so confused. Part of me wants him to get out of my life because of what he did, and part of me wants to forgive him. I forgave him for his lies with gambling last year and stood by his side emotionally and financially during that... And now this. I am so so torn. My heart aches. I don't know what to do
sorry for the long read.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Scary night. A little hard for me to read because my husbands drug was cocaine too. He went missing when he was using so it brings back memories. I know the panic you must have felt. ((Hugs))
I think you need to let the shock wear off. He relapsed, probably there was a reason, something leading up to it he hadnt dealt with, and maybe didnt have the skill set to recognize and know how to stop it fast enough. What he does next will be the big thing. He went to see his current counselor who appears to have been doing a good job helping him with the gambling issue. Now you have to wait and see what happens next. Relapse is always a possibility especially early on, so I think we either accept this, or we dont. Not sure how else to phrase it but its how I feel with my own husband. If he happens to relapse we will deal with it. He has a good addiction doc, and we do family counseling too. Ours calls us a team which reminds me possibly of how you look at it too. But each of us has to do our part, and handle our own responsibilities too. I know the total shock feeling, I couldnt accomplish much until it passed, so be gentle with yourself.
I think you need to let the shock wear off. He relapsed, probably there was a reason, something leading up to it he hadnt dealt with, and maybe didnt have the skill set to recognize and know how to stop it fast enough. What he does next will be the big thing. He went to see his current counselor who appears to have been doing a good job helping him with the gambling issue. Now you have to wait and see what happens next. Relapse is always a possibility especially early on, so I think we either accept this, or we dont. Not sure how else to phrase it but its how I feel with my own husband. If he happens to relapse we will deal with it. He has a good addiction doc, and we do family counseling too. Ours calls us a team which reminds me possibly of how you look at it too. But each of us has to do our part, and handle our own responsibilities too. I know the total shock feeling, I couldnt accomplish much until it passed, so be gentle with yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Hi Blue Eyes…
Was there a relapse or was he just doing his thing? You really need to be in recovery to even relapse. Since he hasn’t stopped drinking (dangerous path for an addict) he just moved on to where the alcohol eventually takes you back to, all that you know. This all does make sense because he was still on a path that wasn’t healthy for him.
Lots of red flags flying, along with the lies …. And you seemed to know right away that things weren’t adding up at all.
I won’t tell you to run, won’t tell you to stay because honestly there will be lessons on this path for you as well. But I would suggest looking at what you need, want and must have from this life and see if he as he is now fits into it all.
Take good care of you.
Was there a relapse or was he just doing his thing? You really need to be in recovery to even relapse. Since he hasn’t stopped drinking (dangerous path for an addict) he just moved on to where the alcohol eventually takes you back to, all that you know. This all does make sense because he was still on a path that wasn’t healthy for him.
Lots of red flags flying, along with the lies …. And you seemed to know right away that things weren’t adding up at all.
I won’t tell you to run, won’t tell you to stay because honestly there will be lessons on this path for you as well. But I would suggest looking at what you need, want and must have from this life and see if he as he is now fits into it all.
Take good care of you.
Stay positive.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 84
@incitingsilence I guess you wouldn't call it a relapse per se. He has always been an alcohol addict and never went to recovery for it. He wasn't your textbook alchy, never drank during the week only some weekends, but could never go to a bar or gathering without getting completely loaded, and before he met me those times always led to cocaine use. According to him, and I don't know what to believe anymore he only rarely used coke in the years prior to our relationship. "Every couple of months I would do a line if someone had it" is what he would say. Alcohol I knew was an issue, especially because we used to drink heavily together and he has a DUI as well. I just never thought coke would come back. 2 years of not having it and all of a sudden it shows up. I'm sure you're all thinking I may be being naive, but I know he didn't do any coke in the time we have been together. As I said in my last post he works a job where he gets drug tested almost monthly and we do everything together.... There are no "guys"nights for him since we met. He cut all of his friends out of his life because of their bad influence, and now part of me thinks he yearned for it the other night I've been asking him to connect with his sober cousins his age and our neighbor and watch games together or go do guy things, but he said he didn't want to he was content the way things were. I just don't know why he did what he did, so out of character. He has a one on one therapy session tonight, AA tomorrow through Sunday and a possible NA next week. I just hope this works...
I've been asking him to connect with his sober cousins his age and our neighbor and watch games together or go do guy things, but he said he didn't want to he was content the way things were. I just don't know why he did what he did, so out of character. He has a one on one therapy session tonight, AA tomorrow through Sunday and a possible NA next week. I just hope this works...
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
