lily1122

So I recently found out that my ex has internet access and has been checking his email. I am glad to know that hes alive but now I am fighting the urge to email him asking him how he is.

I know if I do that I am inviting him back into my life and I don't want that but I cant help but to worry about him. This is getting so hard, last week I was fine with him gone and I know I am better off without him but that doesn't make this any less hard.

I am pretty sure I know the area hes living and it breaks my heart to know hes living in the streets so sick and alone.

I had a nightmare last night that I was laying in bed and I felt him next to me and when I turned around to see him he was dead with a needle in his arm.

I have put the distance I need to but it doesn't mean that I have stopped loving him, I have told myself and anyone that listens that I hate him but I am lying to myself. I cant help but to still care for him, he gave me a happiness I never knew I could have, he also gave me sadness and hurt I never knew I could have. Its amazing how he is the best thing that happened to me and he turned into the worst thing that happened to me and its all because of this f*cking addiction.

I am not giving him an excuse for his behavior but I know this isn't the guy I met 2 years ago, this is his alter ego Mr. Heroin. The scary thing is that I am certain Mr. Heroin has won and I have lost Mr.Wonderful for good this time.

I know hes chosen this life and I cant stop him from doing what he wants but knowing that this could kill him, kills me.

I don't know what to do to get passed this hurt that is breaking me. I have thought about all the horrible things hes done and that does make me strong for a while but then I think of good times and I smile and wish that I could have the guy I met 2 years ago.

I am broken without him and I am broken with him.
But a part of me says if hes here then at least I know hes safe, but I know I cant live like this anymore.
I just want the hurt to stop before I am completely destroyed.

zoso77

So, if you want the hurt to stop before you're "completely destroyed", then your best bet is to not contact him, right?

mnh1982

Keep.
Fighting.

auroraxborealis

I totally get it. I run into my X, but I haven't actively reached out to him in a few weeks. Even then, it was to schedule a hair appointment for his friend and to give him his old celly's address.

I reached out to my X last night. His family (some of them) spent the day at a campground by my house, and I joined.

After I got home, I just wrote hi. He wrote hi back. I said that's all I've got. He said I was always welcome to say hi, and I said I wasn't sure. He asked why not, and I replied I didn't leave on a positive note, and I said I hate that I can spend all day with his family, but I can't even say Hi to him. He said I choose not to say hi. I said yeah. But I did tell him he was doing good and seemed happy. He said he was happy, and he's staying clean and sober and being busy at work. I said I was proud of him and happy for him.

Again, nothing earth shattering happened. As I said, I spent the day with his family and just missed him. I guess a moment of weakness? I wasn't expecting anything. But I owe him, as a human being, the respect of not interfering with him and his relationship, and if I go on with a real conversation then that's where I'm going to end up.

So. Yeah. Oh, and his gf Facebook friend requested me today. Not sure whether the two are related, but she's in digital limbo land because I'm going to pretend I didn't see it. Yucky.