Falseclaimsact

Hi

Wanted to check in. I have moved out of state with my baby. I got off the phone tonight with ABF and am feeling very upset about it. He sounds absolutely awful, wheezing, telling me how he was sick with a migraine and puking all day. When I called him before dinner he was sleeping.

I googled symptoms of smoking heroin because I think that must be what is up.... but I'm upset with myself for going there. It was the first thing I did after hanging up. Reading symptoms & signs lists on various rehab websites makes me physically ill feeling. Can't say why I did it.

I thought I was doing a good job managing my boundaries. It's hard to get a phone call like that (after others have gone just fine). It is scary to me. I wish I could hang up and NOT wonder if he is using, or what he is using. I guess it seems to me that if he was using anything BUT heroin (such as painkillers) it wouldn't be as bad. It's like heroin is the absolute worst substance he could be using (and the one he was arrested for). I don't know why I classify it that way.

I'm the most afraid of it. I think it's because heroin seems like the big league, most Street, no return, end all drug. Those who start with painkillers eventually turn to heroin; those who snort eventually inject. It horrifies me.

Anyway, I had to get that off my chest. Thanks

CarmenLove

Hi Falseclaimsact,

Sorry to hear about that phone call.

You are bound to feel a bit emotional when you have contact. Can you limit contact?

Also, that is exactly the first thing I would do too (Google it!!)

Having said that you just don't know, it could be that he has flu. Or he could be using something.

And, as Byron Katie says, it' not my business. This is what I am learning. My business is here, with me, my life, my body, my mind.

His is over there with him.

I couldn't believe it when I found out my XAH was using heroin. I felt the same - horrified.

To me it was just the worse possible thing, and I just how HOW CAN HE BE SO STUPID??!!

However addiction is addiction.

Although heroin scares me, from what I have read Alcoholism can be truly awful too.

Anyway just to say I know where you are at.

And what can you do for you and baby today to take your mind of things and feel better?

Falseclaimsact

Thanks carmenlove. I browsed the FFA forum, it seems to be more active and there's some really relatable stuff. The quackers thread....ugh..... Heard it all so that mostly gave me a headache

I have been hanging out with my parents a lot, it's nice to feel taken care of again, though still paving the way to independence.

Lately I have been wondering about the mental health piece of all this.... I like to think that on some level, addicts know what they're doing is hurting everybody around them, but maybe that's not true. Addiction is truly a mindfk. I don't expect a mentally ill person to know for himself when he needs help. Why would I expect that of an addict?

AnvilheadII

addicts are not under the influence 24/7 - everyone has to pass out or sober up and EAT something eventually. there are tiny windows of time, MOMENTS OF CLARITY, when the addict knows exactly what they are doing and exactly how bad it is and that they really do need to stop.....

but DENIAL that is the hallmark of addiction jumps right up and starts in with "oh it's not so bad" and "hey you'll just slow it down a bit, you'll fine" and "i'll quit after Christmas....or Easter....or Thursday...or when the dope runs, i'll quit SOMETIME just not NOW".