My brother, clean 3 yrs, almost sure he's relapsed

Old 06-02-2015, 01:09 PM
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My brother, clean 3 yrs, almost sure he's relapsed

I feel so torn. He was doing sooo well. Spent close to a year away in rehab and had sober coach at home. In short, my parents shelled out to get him the help he needed and wanted (yes, I know that is key). In spite of all it- he is getting divorced, lost his job but he did return to school. I know he was following his program even though he kept his distance somewhat from the family.
Then came a new girlfriend. Not that she herself is a problem but I knew- I just knew he wasn't spending the time on his program Tried to say something but was blown off. Then I asked how his semester was going and I was given some excuse about the stress of his divorce and trying to get his house ready to sell. (basically- he blew it). I tried to talk to my parents but they are absolutely in denial. They start raising their voices that his ex-wife is causing him too much stress, etc. He doesn't work so I know they must be paying his living expenses.
The clincher came for me last week when he completely had a meltdown during a meeting in front of 7 people. He was talking about returning to his old job, he was swearing, name calling, etc. He just went insane. It was his own tirade for 45 minutes. After a few days and allowing things to calm down I decided to contact my parents and find out now that they aren't concerned !! I'm thinking maybe someone should contact his sober coach and they are angry at me because I made the comment that got him upset to start.
I feel like either I'm crazy and overblowing it or I'm the only one that can do anything about this . WHAT do I do? Last night, he trashed his car- thank God he was alone.
I'm not totally new at this but honestly it took me contacting his doctor directly 3 years ago to get him in treatment and that also cost me my relationship with my brother for years.
Anyone ? Help ? Advice ?
Thank you.
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Old 06-02-2015, 03:24 PM
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In my experience (my 24 yo son is a heroin addict/5 years/12 rehab stays) when your gut tells you they are using, they are using. My rule is that the relationship cannot continue while he is using and so I have to cut off communication except for a call or text once or twice a month, just so I know he's still alive. When he is ready to try recovery again, I support that as best I can short of paying large sums of money for it. (He has good insurance... for now.)

This 'strategy' I have developed over the years is what I need to do for ME. I have found that detaching is the only way I can maintain my sanity, the only way I can sleep at night. Staying enmeshed definitely gives me PTSD.

My son has said that this detachment is also the best thing for him and is his greatest motivator to get clean. When he uses and his family detaches, his life falls apart damn quickly and is usually homeless within a month or so. This, too, is also a great motivator for him as you can imagine.

It took me a long time to get here -- to be able to detach in this way and accept that he could die at any time from his addiction. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I haven't found any other 'solution' that works as well for us. I guess it's not really a solution...it's just a way to stay sane through all this hardship and pain.

I can't tell you what to do or what would work best in your situation. I can tell you that being here at SR, therapy and family programs is what allowed me some measure of acceptance and serenity, and I am ever so grateful.
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Old 06-02-2015, 06:16 PM
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Have you attended any meetings in your area ? alanon, coda, naranon ?

the first step is to admit that you are powerless over the addiction, etc. ... it's tough letting go but if you wish to retain your sanity - you will search until you find what will work for you and detach as best you can.

I'm sorry that you are struggling and that your brother relapsed but please read as much as you can and seek help for your own recovery.

i will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs to you
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Old 06-02-2015, 06:26 PM
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I am headed for an al-anon or nar-anon meeting tomorrow or Thurs. Getting myself to fully understand this not my problem or in my control is so difficult when I have my parents being used by him. Ultimately I feel responsible for them as they are in their 70's and 80's. I also had a Dr. tell me I was as bad as any enabler if I didn't confront him. Financially I provide him nothing.
Confronting him is nothing short of scary at this point.
Thank you for your prayers and support. It is truly helpful.
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Old 06-04-2015, 07:59 AM
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If it looks and feels like relapse, it's relapse. You did not cause it, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it.

Take good care of you.
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