alterity

Thanks so much, hopeful.

As far as his mother not helping matters any goes, yes, she buys him cookies and even suggested she bring him hot dogs when she visits. Hot dogs! The most carcinogenic food in the world, to a cancer patient! I get the sense that he complains about me and my "nagging" about his diet to her because she has said things to me that indicate this. He has been pushing back against me more and more lately and saying things to me that are reminiscent of things she says on the subject, so there is definitely undermining going on. It's definitely not in his best interest for her to be at odds with me on this. Frankly, I'm disgusted by her and it's going to be very difficult to see her tomorrow when she comes out (again...she's a 3.5 hr drive away) tomorrow to take "us" out to dinner. I may have to decline politely.

Sigh.

alterity

Isn't this lovely. I just saw his sister post a photo of a cannoli on facebook. When my husband commented on it, expressing his envy, she offered to bring him some when she comes to visit tomorrow. Bringing cannolis to a diabetic cancer patient, just like her mom. Makes me sick.

hopeful4

That is some serious family enabling. Goodness. I can understand why you would have to take a step back from his family. Sounds toxic and enabling.

Many hugs to you friend. So sorry you are going through this!

alterity

I ended up going to dinner with them, just to make husband feels like all is well on the family front. He indulged a little, but not too badly... I couldn't help myself by joking around about how it was the first time I have ever seen him voluntarily get lettuce (salad bar) but that it wasn't really a salad (it was lettuce topped with pepperoni and cheese!). It was just a little joke and I don't think it affected him.

I did observe some interesting dynamics between his mother and sister. His sister got defensive when his mother gave some sort of look at her plate, and it was as if sister felt criticized by M-I-L. I have noticed that M-I-L always makes a comment or a look at my husband and/or sister (who is morbidly obese like my husband used to be) during meals. This explains a lot.

hopeful4

It does explain a lot. This dynamic obviously was happening long before you came along I would guess. Glad he made some effort at least!

alterity

Dad updated me today on B briefly. He's still at the Salvation Army. Apparently, it's a "six month program." That's really good. Six months is the longest time he will have been in one place in over 2 years. He seems to be doing well. Thank god.

Ilovemysonjj

One day at a time bless us all!

alterity

One day at a time is right!

So, I called Dad on Friday while I was in the waiting room at the hospital as husband was in surgery having a port placed in one of his veins for the chemo infusions he is scheduled to start receiving tomorrow. He put B on the phone saying, "he's right here," to which I said, "What???" and Dad said, "yeah, he's staying at XXXXXX's (my sister) this weekend." So, I asked B what was going on and apparently "[he's] been messing up," to which I asked what did that mean, to which he answered that he was goofing off when he should have been working, etc. So, he's on Abilify which I know from a product liability attorney to cause major impulse control impairment. Coincidentally, Dad has told me he was on "just a mood stabilizer" a month or so ago the day after I learned this about Abilify. I texted Dad back then that I don't think it's a good idea for someone who already has impulse control problems to be on a drug that causes impulse control problems, but that's our state of mental health care for you....

Anyway, he had been kicked out of the shelter that Friday I am assuming and he was hoping to get into a different Salvation Army location today. I have no idea if this happened or not, as I have waaaaaayyyyyyyyy too much on my own plate to deal with for the time being.

I always have time to pray for him, however, and that's just about all I can do.

hopeful4

You are right, that is all you can do. Eventually he will have to be responsible for his own healthcare and advocating for himself. Turn him over to God, and keep moving forward one step at a time friend!

alterity

He was/is very lucky to have our sister provide him shelter this past weekend. He was/is very lucky to have been allowed to enter the new Salvation Army shelter yesterday. He was/is very lucky to have Dad to drive him there. I think he lacks GRATITUDE for all the support around him that keeps him off the streets, clothed, fed, and out of jail.

The director of the program met Dad outside the shelter yesterday and told him that if B messes up and leaves the program or gets kicked out, he is going to jail. Apparently, completing the program is a condition of probation now and the line has been drawn.

My husband started chemo today so, for once, my worries about B are truly on the back burner. Sad that it took replacing them with worries about my husband to get them there. Oh well!

hopeful4

You have a lot going on friend. I hope you manage to take good care of yourself during all of this! I pray that your husband's treatment is successful, and that B can get himself together.

Most addicts I know of still blame others, and most are truly not grateful, nor can their minds grasp what they put their families through. Terrible.

Huge hugs to you.

Maudcat

Good thoughts, alterity.

alterity

I can't believe it has been a month since I last had any updates. The last I heard was that 15 days since he was admitted into the Salvation Army program (take 2) had passed but Dad hadn't heard from him. Dad said that he expected B to call him after the "blackout" period ended. This was around October 23 or so. I have spoken with Dad on average once a week since then but I do not ask about B.

I pray every night, as I have been for many years now, for god to protect him. Hope all is ok.

hopeful4

I hope he is OK too. It's all we can do, pray and hope for the best.

Big hugs friend!

alterity

Well, apparently he didn't last more than a couple or few weeks at the last Salvation Army. I don't know what the heck he has been doing... ODing on caffeine and/or nicotine, definitely something "legal" or undetectable... He was all paranoid the last night he was there. He was up late, working out in the gym, ramped up, and manager told him he had 3 choices: go to bed, take a urine test, or wait for EMS. He decided to leave and walked out. When he first got there, he had been told that if he walked out that this time he was going to jail. I guess the police were called and they brought him to the local hospital's psychiatric ward. They kept him for 72 hours and didn't wait for Dad to come get him for a 3pm release. Let him walk out alone onto the streets. Dad arrived at 4:30. He had stolen a couple bottles of Robotussin from a local Rite Aid. Dad found him and brought him back to Dad's house. They ate dinner. B was drinking gallons of juice, etc., and pots and pots of coffee. When Dad woke up the next morning at 7:30am, B was gone. It was raining. B spoke to his mom on the phone and she told Dad he sounded suicidal so they called the police. The police found him at a nearby Dunkin Donuts and brought him to the hospital. He was admitted from the ER to the psych hospital he was in for months and months back in 2015. Dad lives in that county and up until these recent events B was in different counties. I emailed his former PO and asked for his help. Really nice guy. He called me and said he doesn't oversee Mental Health Court anymore but he would talk to B's PO if the case gets "kicked back" to that county. He works in same office so would keep tabs on B. They had a nice connection when he was B's PO.

So, I found all this out at one of the worst times. Husband is having chemo and I am involved in some major litigation. B called me and sounded awful. Said they were going to discharge him tomorrow. He did NOT sound ready. SAME OLD STORY. Luckily, they decided that was not a good idea and he'll be going to a residential program for a few weeks.

Ugh. I have no words to describe how scared I am for him right now.

Ilovemysonjj

so sorry Alterity. All I can remind you of is that you cannot control it, you cannot cure it and you did not cause it. Be strong in your resolve to let B take care of himself. You have too much going on to be able to rinse and repeat. B should and will choose to get help or not. Hugs and keep on praying. God is so much bigger than we are and has this one.

TT

hopeful4

I am so sorry friend. It really is an evil cycle. Prayers and many hugs!

alterity

Thank you. One day at a time.

alterity

B is still in the hospital. Dad says that he has sounded "better" the past few days. He has been asking for me to call him, b/c he can't call me because it is a collect call going out and he doesn't want me to incur the charges. I tried calling yesterday but the phone rings and rings on end. I told Dad to have B call me collect and I will call him back, if I am available. Dad went to visit him this afternoon. That's good. Dad loves B very, very much.

hopeful4

If only love were enough to make them well. You and B are in my prayers my friend.