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Old 06-11-2017, 06:23 AM   #241 (permalink)
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I didn't mention that one of my aunts (Aunt1), one of the people who confirmed that S2 did indeed receive $ from Dad (hence lied to me), insisted on getting involved. Aunt1 persistently said that she would talk to Dad to have him sort it out but I didn't want to get into it with her that night because she was drinking. I didn't want it to become an even more emotional conversation than it already was.

Anyway, I cc'ed her that email I sent to my sisters because I wanted her to back off and leave Dad out of it. Her son has been in recovery a couple years now (he's the cousin of mine who when to Caron) so she used some recovery language in talking to me about the situation such as "deep resentments are involved" etc.

I replied something about how I had established boundaries with my immediate family in 2012 and that is why I was compelled to set the record straight so that I was not to be maligned. This raised some very interesting recovery issues that I have been thinking a lot about lately. In particular, what is one person's boundary setting is another person's resentment harboring.
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Old 06-12-2017, 08:30 AM   #242 (permalink)
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It's a shame none of your dad's transactions were put in writing. That would settle that.

I would say if they are named in the LLC if they choose not to buy you out, they should begin paying for any other fees (insurance, taxes, etc).

Sorry you are dealing with this. Unfortunately, money and families don't mix. A person should have a will, and be done with it.

Hugs.
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Old 06-12-2017, 08:40 AM   #243 (permalink)
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"You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it."

This is such a good reminder for those of us with drug addicted children. I also feel I "caused his issues" but I have a daughter who is a fine upstanding member of society and I paid less attention to her as a child, than my son with his asthma and anxiety.

There's no saying what the cause is for addiction. I let my son know he is loved and allow him the dignity of his journey, knowing full well all the bad news his choices can lead to.

I have to keep working on myself and enjoying the life in front of me and not giving into worry and obsession. He's in God's hands.
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Old 06-19-2017, 05:23 AM   #244 (permalink)
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Thanks Maudcat, Hopeful, and ArtMachine.

I've been away from SR for a little while dealing with my husband's doctor appointments and tests. We will be going to Boston in a few weeks to get second opinions from Massachusetts General Hospital and the Dana Farber Cancer Institute.

Through all of this recent turmoil, I have noticed that I have an increased desire to drink or do drugs myself. I have completely abstained from drugs, something that was problematic for me a few decades ago, and have not increased my alcohol consumption, which has always been rare to occasional. However, I have found my thoughts going towards getting drunk or high which clearly indicate a need for relief from the psychological pain of late.

When my husband was going through the scare of possibly needing cardiac intervention (the possible outcomes ranged from needing a stent to open heart surgery which would have delayed his cancer treatment for months, in the former case, if not years, in the latter case), the stress was unbelievable. It was almost as bad as when he was in the ER with congestive heart failure Feb 27 to Mar 1. Thankfully, no intervention was needed and he was cleared for surgery which took place one month ago (I probably already mentioned this). His recovery has been going great, so that's good. He cannot drink because of diabetes and cancer; but he, like myself, doesn't drink much anyway. He has to stay on a relatively strict diet which helps me stay on track with my own diet.

I haven't received any updates about B since the family gathering a few weeks ago. Nor have I asked. I sent Dad a Fathers Day card with a letter in an attempt to help Dad forgive himself and let go. I encouraged him to detach in a gentle way. Praying he does to the extent that is needed for both himself and B.
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Old 06-19-2017, 07:23 AM   #245 (permalink)
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Sending you big hugs and lots of support friend. Please don't turn to alcohol or drugs in your own life, you know of the trauma that will bring.

We are here...
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Old 06-25-2017, 10:28 AM   #246 (permalink)
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Thanks, hopeful. Your message thwarted my intentions of drinking that night (6/19) and I haven't had a drink since whenever it was that I drank last (sometime around the beginning of June).

I got a call on Friday from B. He told me that he had left the rehab about a week before Fathers Day because he had drank very strong coffee there that was causing him to think erratically and to be impulsive. Since he is a stimulant addict with brain chemistry that is fragile and on the edge, I can totally believe that. Turns out, however, that he went back to the Jersey shore area and got his old job back right away including greater number of hours per week which he needs in order to get by financially. He stayed at the homeless shelter for a week, toughing out the rough schedule of being woken every morning at 5:30am after ending long work shifts at 1pm.

When Dad found out that he had left the rehab, he severed ties with B. As warned, if he left, Dad would no longer support him financially. In order for Dad to stick to his guns with this, he has had to close down communication between him and B.

Fortunately, within a week, he secured a place in a sober living house so his schedule eased tremendously. On Fathers Day, B moved in to the sober house, which is managed by a man who has the same name as Dad. Quite the coincidence, we think. I'd call it kismet.

In our conversation, B recognized that he had been taking sports supplements that "people say" where causing him to have schizophrenic symptoms. It has only taken B two years to realize this? Or maybe this is just the first time that I have heard it from his own mouth. He's taking meds and sounds very depressed (very dangerous side effect of anti-psychotics). On the positive side, it sounds like he has some sort of support around him that doesn't include family so he can make decisions for himself and live as independently as possible under the circumstances. He speaks with his mother daily, which is also a good thing.

Small steps in the right direction.... (despite what Dad thinks) Everything fell into place for B. The only thing that did not work out was Dad's efforts to control him.
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Old 06-26-2017, 09:22 AM   #247 (permalink)
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alterity.....I am glad I could help friend!

I agree with you that this is a positive step. It seems a big part of your dad's enabling has been financial, and with a different type of support system he will have to get his own financial life intact, which it seems he is making an effort to do. I am glad to hear this!

Big hugs friend, always here for you!
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Old 06-28-2017, 02:20 PM   #248 (permalink)
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I swear, your story sounds like mine. My son has been the same way since he was born. Always in trouble always making problems. He's 38 now and the only thing that has changed is it has gotten worse. I mean worser than worse. In and out of the hospital for over doses, jail, you name it. It's impossible for us as parents to understand what is in them that makes them do such things with no regard for you, me or even their own selves.
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Old 07-04-2017, 05:00 AM   #249 (permalink)
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SpaghettiBender, I'm so sorry to hear that. I can't imagine another ten years of this. Sending prayers in your direction.

hopeful4, YES! Dad is all about money. Not that he is rich or anything. It's just that his identity has always been tied up with being a financial provider for the family. This was how his father was. At grandpa's funeral, someone said during the eulogy that "The Bank of ~NAME~ was always open. And the interest rate of 0% was phenomenal." If there is a problem, Dad always thinks $$$ can fix it or at least it is his instinct to think that he has to handle a problem by providing $$$ to try to solve it. As we've seen, that doesn't always work and can cause more problems than it solves.

I had a nightmare the other night with B in it. That's very, very rare. He was a college student and was very scruffy, unshaven, unkempt, wearing a dirty t-shirt, and hungry. During the day, I worried for hours about B's welfare, wondering how he was managing to get by and if he was surviving okay.

I haven't had any news since June 21st or so, which I already posted about, even though Dad and I have spoken a number of times. I avoid asking about B since I have soooo much going on in my own life right now.
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Old 07-15-2017, 06:07 AM   #250 (permalink)
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Today is B's birthday. He turns 28. He re-activated his facebook account the other day and posted some photos of him with our nephew. From what it looks like, he was very recently at our sister's house.

Thursday was my birthday and my uncle took me out to lunch in Boston where I was while my husband was in the hospital having a procedure. He asked "has anyone heard from B" so I told him about Facebook and the recent photos. From his question, it sounds like B and Dad are still not talking.

Last year, he re-activated his Facebook around July 7th. On July 9th or so, he burglarized some place or got into some similar trouble (I don't know the details) that involved substance abuse. He spent his birthday last year in the hospital.

I have a very strong feeling that this year will be another repeat of this endless cycle.
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Old 07-17-2017, 09:57 AM   #251 (permalink)
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Hi alterity. Happy Belated Birthday friend.

Two words, deep breaths. You know the three C's. You are quite possibly more educated about addiction than anyone I know. So you know you cannot control B, or his decisions. I know you know this, just reminding you.

Big hugs!
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Old 07-22-2017, 05:13 AM   #252 (permalink)
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Thank you, hopeful! I appreciate the birthday wishes and the reminder.

I have spoken with Dad a couple of times over the past week or so but I don't ask about B. I haven't heard anything from anyone else, so who knows...

I pray for him every night but that is all I can do.
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Old 09-01-2017, 05:10 AM   #253 (permalink)
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So much has happened since my last comment in this thread that I don't know where to start.

My husband had surgery in Boston a couple of weeks ago and Dad came up to be with me for that. The night before the surgery, we went out to dinner and I ended up asking about B, although I had a feeling it wasn't going to be good news. I was right. Sometime between his birthday mid July and now, he ended up losing everything again: his place to live, his job, even his shoes. He was on the streets for a couple of nights about a week before I saw Dad. There was some time in the hospital again which "he uses like a hotel."

I didn't ask for details. All I know is that he went to one of the Salvation Army homeless programs shortly before Dad came to Boston. There is a "15 day 'blackout' period" after arrival so when Dad got a call during lunch while we were waiting for my husband's surgery to finish (he was under for nearly 6 hours), we were nervous picking up the phone. It had only been a few days so a phone call would be highly unusual. "What do you need?" was Dad's first question. He needed toothpaste. In fact, he needed all toiletries. "Do you need cigarettes?" was Dad's second question. I rolled my eyes in disgust. Buying B shoes when he was on the street is one thing, but stimulants??? *sigh*
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Old 09-01-2017, 11:25 AM   #254 (permalink)
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Dear Alterity, so it continues. Sending a prayer for you, B and your Dad. It's so hard to watch them rinse and repeat over and over. I continuously remember "just for today" and am grateful my son is alive. What happens in the future is not for me to know or control as it relates to JJ. I know you know this. It is very draining on us all to be witness to the self destructive patterns our addicts are on.
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Old 09-01-2017, 01:39 PM   #255 (permalink)
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I wish you and your husband a speedy recovery from his surgery.

Quote:
I rolled my eyes in disgust.
Eye rolling is so much better than words rolling! Good for you for holding it together. It’s so difficult watching that enabler/addict relationship but it appears you are handing it better!

Quote:
Five Years Here, So Sad to till Be Here
You know for the first couple of years I was here, I was a frantic lifeboat rushing around trying to save everyone and losing myself in that process.

Remaining here at SR I have learned to be a lighthouse rather than a lifeboat. I do not rescue, but instead help others to find their way to shore.

A long time ago in al-anon I heard the expression……..meeting makers make it and I know for me if I do not continue to regularly attend al-anon and or come here to read/share I will slowly fall back into driving that dam lifeboat.
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Old 09-01-2017, 02:03 PM   #256 (permalink)
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Thanks, ilovemysonjj and atalose.

I forgot to mention that Dad almost handed me the phone when B called. He explained to B, who must have asked how the surgery was going, "We're waiting here now. Do you want to talk to [Alterity]?" I had just had bad news about the surgery a couple of hours earlier (long story short but the liver surgery was aborted but the colon surgery went on [original plan was to do both at the same time]), was anxiously waiting for this to be over, and did not need to hear the voice of B in distress. I just couldn't handle it. Dad didn't think to signal to me "Do you want to talk to him?" before the offering.

Anyway, I shook my head NOOOOooooo and Dad said that I had just gone to the bathroom, "oops." I don't know what was worse: B being smart enough to know Dad was fibbing and that I had just rejected his call or taking the call. I really don't like it when Dad crosses boundaries like that but I know his intentions are good.
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Old 09-05-2017, 08:59 AM   #257 (permalink)
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HI Alterity.

I am sorry you are having to go through the stress of all of that while dealing with the stress of your husband's surgery. I am hoping he will get all the surgeries he needs and can heal. You have made great strides and I am so glad you were able to stick to your own priority during this stressful time.

Sending you prayers and many hugs!
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Old 09-05-2017, 04:00 PM   #258 (permalink)
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When I last spoke with Dad, Saturday afternoon, he said that he would call me "Monday." That would be yesterday. I didn't hear from him. When that happens, i.e. when Dad doesn't follow through as he says, it usually means that STUFF HAS HIT THE FAN with B. I am sick with worry but, yes, I have my own priorities and my own life to take care of. My car broke down on Saturday and I needed to get a new one (got it this afternoon...luckily found one that was right for me), I have a deposition in New York on Friday I need to prepare for, etc etc etc.... I am just thankful that I am not in a disaster area and have my physical safety. I thank god every day for the basics of life such as clean water, a place to live, food to eat...
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Old 09-13-2017, 05:11 PM   #259 (permalink)
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I am just so exhausted. Yesterday was really rough. This afternoon, I wrote the following letter that I originally intended to send to my husband's mother. On second thought, I don't want to talk to her. She's as unreasonable and irrational as my husband as well as just as stubborn. Instead, I might give it to my husband and tell him that I originally wrote it for her but I really need him to listen. Here goes:

I am at my wits end and at the end of the rope with M-----’s eating disorder and food addiction and am writing this letter to ask for your support of him in recovery from this very dire problem. As with any addict, I am coming to terms with the “three Cs” with M-----: I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it. That being said, I will not enable it and do not condone it.

The problem reached its nadir yesterday after the Mass General doctors confirmed what I suspected in my emailed question to them, copied here:

Is it possible that the liver mass that Dr. Qadan could not chip August 21st had grown since the June 30th MRI and could that growth be related to what I suspect to be his metabolic syndrome? He was eating significantly more beef lately and late night snacking, so much so that he has put on weight in the past few weeks prior to the August 21st surgery. (I consider eating within a few hours of bedtime to be “late night.”)

They explained to M----- that the data shows, just like the data shows that obesity and poor diet leads to cancer, that a high quality (primarily plant based, low in the carcinogenic meats [red meat, processed meat], etc.) diet will “increase his chances of survival.” I am enclosing the NCCN guidelines excerpt on this. The NCCN guidelines is the bible of oncology.

On the way home from the appointment, when discussing our upcoming anniversary weekend and when M----- mentioned going to the ---------- for brunch, I asked with caution (not condemnation) in my voice whether we would be doing that this year. As I associate buffets with gorging on bad food, and considering how his doctors were just earlier trying to encourage him to increase his chances of survival literally an hour earlier, I thought maybe it would not be such a great idea to go this year. This was also a concern because he will be starting chemo right after that weekend and it is important, as stressed by both his local oncologist and his Mass General oncologist, to try as much as possible to get into the best health/shape possible to withstand the chemo.

However, apparently, I hit a nerve in M----- and it became a big, deep, painful discussion in which I was told that I am sucking the life out of him and depriving him of desire to live. I ended up explaining my intentions, reiterating what the doctors had just said; implored him to stay alive, and said that I can’t imagine life without him and that I won’t accept him leaving this earth so soon.

I ended the day yesterday promising to stop what he feels is “nagging” and I will be doing my best to be as silent as humanly possible. I am not sure how possible it will be as it is excruciatingly painful to watch.

Sadly, none of this seems to have sunk in as the addiction is so strong and overwhelming. I say this because after eating a fairly large dinner of a fried appetizer and high fat entrée, M----- ate 13 servings of caramel rice cakes before bed. The total sugar (52 grams) in that was twice the daily amount a sugar-conscious person needs to limit themselves (25 grams, ideally 20 grams) to lower blood glucose.

When he was initially diagnosed with congestive heart failure and diabetes, his diet was amazingly healthy. I was so full of hope and there was light at the end of the tunnel. It was bright.

However, over time, the “once in a while” cup of 11 gram sugar ice cream or one bar of high quality dark chocolate has now become an entire bag of 11-13 serving snacks practically every single night. It got to this stage immediately following his A1C test of a few weeks ago which was at the borderline within the “pre-diabetic” range (his was 6.3, diabetes is 6.5 and higher), as if a good A1C was license to slip back towards old habits. This was very alarming to witness, considering everything else he is facing with his health, particularly the liver mass growth.

If M----- continues this way, he will ensure an early death by cancer. He has told me that he “would rather die than eat healthy” and I’m afraid that he is causing a self-fulfilling prophecy. The light at the end of the tunnel is not so bright anymore.

I get the sense that my efforts to help him are being somewhat undermined, like a drug addict’s friend who might supply the addict his drug of choice, or might encourage the drug use of the addict. If we want M----- to live greater than 5 more years, recurrence free, we cannot be enablers to this addiction. I appreciate all your support in this effort.

-----
I called my aunt this afternoon, bawling about all this. I have spent so much of my life surrounded by people I love slowly killing themselves with addiction and I'm so sick of it, I said. If anyone understands, it's her (this is my aunt with a son [my cuz] who has nearly died a number of times in accidents, attempted suicide, and finally got sober a couple of years ago after going to Caron (in Florida)). It felt good to vent but now I'm just so drained. I don't see the light anymore.
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Old 09-14-2017, 09:22 AM   #260 (permalink)
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Big tight hugs alterity. I was not aware he had this issue, and it is an addiction for sure. I am wondering if you can explain how his mom contributes to it? In that does she buy him sugary snacks, etc?? It seems to me that different people are able to let go much more easily than others. Has she decided this is his own life, and his own decision, or does she actually contribute to the problem? You don't even have to answer these questions, it's just my thoughts in trying to understand the dynamic.

You have went through so very much friend. It is awful that those around us seem to have some addiction or another. I deem it to be that we live in an area that things are available to us at the drop of a hat, and that we have decided to want things, and want them now. To feel a certain way, now. Again, just my thoughts on it all.

I send you huge hugs and lots of support. Please know we are here for you, I am here for you. Message me anytime you need a friend!
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