alterity

Two weeks have passed with no updates from family. I guess no news is good news? I hope.

Maudcat

Wow. Just..wow. Hugs and best wishes to you. Good luck with everything. Peace.

alterity

Well, I really don't have any idea what is going on with my family.

The holidays are like clockwork for my brother to relapse. They are a predictable trigger. As Thanksgiving approached, I prepared myself to make as much distance from myself and my family as possible. I knew that my case would be ramping up as Christmas approached, so I had not called Dad.

I spoke to my Dad a week before Christmas but for only a couple of minutes when he called me. I updated him with what is going on in my life (hugely important, extremely high stakes events in the biggest case of my life and my first federal case) but he clearly didn't want to talk about anything going on with him or my brother. He rushed off the phone before I even had a chance to ask how everything was. It was so obvious that he did not want me to ask.

I had to work on court pleadings over Christmas weekend so I didn't call Dad. I didn't even call him on Christmas, knowing he would be busy with my family. Everyone gathers at my aunt's and it's a huge big deal, but I had to miss it this year. Dad didn't call me. I don't know if he is just giving me my space because of my work or if it is because some major stuff went down with my brother and he doesn't want to worry me. Bad news about my brother is the last thing I need right now.

The pleadings are due in about a week. I figure if I don't hear from him I will call him after I have filed. At that point, things will have died down on my end.

Oh, to top it off, my dog and I ran for our lives from a pack of howling coyotes today when we were hiking and my husband's mother just got admitted to the hospital with a blood clot in her leg.

So glad I am sober... dealing with these problems is so much easier without drugs or alcohol.

Ilovemysonjj

Thanks for checking in Alterity. Best of luck with your busy and exciting case!
Sounds like you are doing just fine in dealing with your situation.

PhoenixJ

Alt- look after yourself. Stress is a sneaky one.

alterity

Thanks, ilovemysonjj and phoenixJ. I definitely must put my needs first right now. It is my duty to my client to be the best that I can possibly be. I have to keep reminding myself that each time I think (worry) about my family.

alterity

The court proceedings got "stayed" until March 2, so I have a little reprieve from work at the moment. Tempted to call dad tomorrow for an update because I can "handle" it now, although I am really not sure that I want to know...

I am starting to feel like there is no middle ground. Either I have contact with my family or not. Not a good feeling at all.

alterity

I got a call from my dad a few weeks ago. I finally got an update. B is (or at least at that time of the phone call) living at a sober living house close to where his probation officer is, after completing the intensive outpatient treatment program. He's been clean and sober since his birthday (July) so that's good!

He found a job but they fired him after doing a background check and saw his record. Apparently, in New Jersey, employers may not inquire about criminal background until after the person has been selected and offered the position. It was a blow to him, according to dad, but when I think about it I just can't help but think to myself: what did/do you expect, B? Did/do you really think that you could do such criminal things and it wouldn't have a huge impact on your life? I can't imagine that anyone, mentally ill or not, would not understand this, especially after being exposed to the "prison or death is the inevitable outcome of this kind of behavior" idea since adolescence. I know he was out of his mind for much of the things he did, but it's still very hard to understand such depths of self harm and sabotage.

Anyway, I sent him a letter telling him I would help him with the record expungement process after his probation ends and the five necessary years pass. It is a long time away, sometime around 2024 that he would become eligible, but at least he has an opportunity to really turn his life around if he stays out of trouble - FOR GOOD.

I haven't heard anything since then, but I am busy again now that the case of my case's proceedings has been lifted. I wanted to post an update while I had a quick moment.

I hope everyone else here is well!

Anaya

Thanks for sharing the update. Sending prayers for your brother, you and family.

alterity

B is back in the psych ward at the local hospital. BIG SURPRISE!

In April 2017, the discernible decade long pattern repeated. Once the weather started warming up (had warm days in mid to late April 2017), B associates the season with "party time." Not close to being “recovered”, he began to crave drugs more and began using sports supplements again for their amphetamine effect. As his birthday approaches in July, his circumstances will, as history has shown, likely come to a crisis as this day is the most major trigger for him.

At the end of April 2017, B was kicked out of his sober living home in N------. He found alternative housing in -------, NJ. He was there for ten days to two weeks before the ------- sober living house asked him to leave.

On May 12, 2017, the police were called to the hotel our father paid for B to stay at. He was taken to ------ Medical Center and admitted to the Inpatient Psychiatric Unit.

Our dad reports that B admits to continued sports supplements use. Since these are legal and not widely recognized by the medical community, it is highly unlikely that this hospital has the capacity to provide him with appropriate care and treatment. Further, it is unlikely that the probation department will treat him as having a drug addiction because the substances he uses are not illegal drugs.

B also no longer has the insurance that his father provided for him up until 2016. He has no insurance at all.

Our dad is convinced that this time something truly tragic (suicide or homicide) is going to occur without intervention, particularly because he no longer has the support of health insurance he had in the past.

My husband was very recently diagnosed with cancer after nearly dying from congestive heart failure March 1st. Long story short, we discovered the cancer because it was causing bleeding in his colon and that was/is causing anemia, which lead to the cardiac issues. He is having a hemi-colectomy this coming Friday.

When my brother called me May 1st to express his concern about my husband, I knew from his voice that he was using and getting into trouble again. I didn't ask any questions that would have lead to that type of conversation. I could also tell from our dad's voice that something was going on with B, but I didn't ask him either. Today, when catching up with dad about the upcoming surgery, he asked me about health insurance and how I was able to get it for my husband. I knew why he was asking, so I asked him to update me on what was going on, noting that this pattern, after ten years, is so clear that I knew what was happening without even having been told. Anyway, I offered to help him with B's insurance situation.

Dad said he would keep me posted as he and my sister are going to go visit him in the hospital today. I really don't want him to, but I didn't say anything. He probably won't, anyway, as he has been respectful of my request a couple of years ago for space on the B front.

I am trying not to "catastrophsize" (sp?) and worry about the worst case scenario -- my husband dying as a result of surgery (10%-20% of these cases have complications including death) and my brother killing himself or someone all within a short time of each other. But, honestly, that is a possible situation.

I have been going to mass every weekend since Easter. I find it very comforting. I have to take care of myself much better than I have been in the past month or two, but I can't imagine having the time and/or energy to do any more (e.g. work out, meditate, etc) than I have been.

Please wish me luck.

Ariesagain

Sending you a hug. Sometimes all we can do is keep breathing and try to focus on what we can really control...which isn't much.

Have another hug.

alterity

P.S. Apparently, B is talking about going to the Salvation Army in Atlantic City as an option. Does anyone know anything about that particular SA? Thanks.

alterity

Dad convinced him to go to The Ranch in Pennsylvania which looks like an excellent rehab program. It will be 30-45 days and he leaves on Monday. Fingers crossed he actually goes.

alterity

Yesterday was a pretty hectic day. B was not transported to The Ranch on Monday as scheduled, according to my uncle who was to accompany B and my father. It sounds to me like The Ranch arranges secure transportation with some company so I am hoping all it was was a scheduling glitch. The transfer from hospital to The Ranch was rescheduled to tomorrow.

I have received no updates on that as my own life takes priority. I had two doctor appointments back to back yesterday morning and my husband, who was supposed to get out of the hospital on Monday (post cancer surgery - left colon removed along with suspicious spots the surgeon saw on the liver ) but he was not comfortable leaving so soon. He has heart issues and just wanted to feel sure he was out of the woods. Thankfully, I had my godmother up here from NYC so she drove hubby home because I could not be here. I returned home shortly after, so everything worked out. Hubby had a good night and is finally getting some deep sleep after four restless nights with nurses taking blood and vitals every couple hours around the clock.

I just don't know if it went so well on B's end and I am reluctant to call family for an update. I texted Dad and invited a phone call in the next couple of days when he gets the chance. Fingers crossed, hands in prayer!

hopeful4

Alterity, I am so sorry I had missed your May updates. I am so sorry this is happening to your husband, I hope his surgery was successful and that he has a full recovery. I imagine you are under lots of stress with this.

I am a little curious, I would think that since B is not employed that he would be able to access state health insurance? Not that it's my business, but just a thought.

I hope that he makes it to rehab and takes it seriously.

Hugs to you friend!

Ilovemysonjj

Dear Alterity, sending prayers for your husbands speedy recovery and positive healing and for B's safe journey to the Ranch. And for YOUR strength, joy and continued faith that God has you covered and is with you now and always.
TT

alterity

Thanks hopeful and ilovemysonjj.

I found out from the family grapevine that B did get to The Ranch on Tuesday, so that is a relief.

It turns out that B does have Medicaid in NJ. I'm just not sure if any of his rehab will get covered because it's in PA. B originally did not want to go because he has been very distressed about being so financially dependent on Dad. However, Dad insists on paying B's way and used the "I already paid for your rehab treatment so you better go" guilt trip on B to get him to agree to go. Dad's brothers, my two uncles, have gotten involved this spring. They never were directly involved before. I hope this sends a message to B that for them to be talking to him, telling him he needs to get his act together, that things are really serious. Get out of denial already!

Husband is slowly recovering but I don't feel like he is out of the woods yet. He has so many health issues, e.g. diabetes, congestive heart failure, along with the cancer that he is facing a tough battle now and in the future. I want to go away next weekend to a family gathering in Newport, RI, Saturday June 2 to Tuesday June 5. Tuesday, I have a hearing in federal court in the middle of Massachusetts that I would go to on my way home. That's a lot of time to be away but if husband is doing okay, then I will go. We bought a blood pressure cuff for him to use to monitor his BP and he has a surgeon friend he can always call for advice.

Thanks to SR for still being here!

alterity

I was able to get away last weekend to see my family. Husband survived without me

The weekend was quite an emotional rollercoaster. I was there to relax and have a good time, but I had a feeling that not all was well with B even though he is in rehab. After about an hour or so at my family's gathering, Dad tells me that on the Monday that week he got a phone call from B saying that he was going to take the spending money that Dad had left him (as required by The Ranch) and use it to go back to Asbury Park where he will live in the homeless shelter and get a job. B kept denying that he has a drug problem and lamented being compared all these drug addicts who take cocaine and other drugs. Dad reminded B that he takes things, albeit legal, that make him just like those addicts. Dad also lost it and went off on B about the financial impact that B's leaving the rehab would have on him (on Dad). I believe he also said that if B leaves, he will not receive any further financial support. The problem with that is that Dad has said that a million times to B before.

Other than that, I had a very good time at the family party. That is, until we went back to my aunt's house where Dad, Dad's wife, three aunts and I were staying. Dad was drunk. I don't think I have seen him like that in over a decade. It made me very sad to see.

The next morning, another thing happened that wasn't too pleasant. It is mentioned in this email that I sent to my sisters this week:

I am writing this email in the hope of clearing something up once and for all.

In 2009 or so, I had been approached by a person who was interested in buying the M------ property. I was not interested in selling at that time but I was curious to know how much we could potentially get for it. So, I explained to the inquirer that I would have to speak with my sisters but that I thought that perhaps we would like to sell it for $30,000. This prospective buyer was very interested and gave verbal affirmation that she and her husband would purchase it for that amount.

In May 2013, I started thinking about wanting to sell the land. I broached the subject with Dad because I wanted his take on getting the two of you together with me on an agreement. He asked me what the property was worth and I told him the rough value of $30,000 or thereabouts (I can't remember the exact figure).

I sent Dad an email with a few different permutations of what such an agreement might look like as well as alternatives in case you did not want to sell.

Dad and I discussed the issue again and he said that he had a solution. He was going to give S1 a sum of money to help her financially and a sum to S2 so that money could go towards the purchase of the new house. I would keep the land as sole owner.

I tried to discuss this subject in July 2015 with S2 because I did not know if Dad had explained the arrangement that he had decided upon as described above. Dad and I never had a chance to touch base about it. S2 said that Dad had not told her anything about this and denied receiving said money from Dad. She also asked about the value of the property. I gave her the rough value of $30,000 or thereabouts (I again can't remember the exact figure).

I was dumbfounded because Dad almost always does what he says he will do (except, as we know, stick to the "this is your last chance, no more $/bailouts", you know what I am talking about....) and such a statement put Dad's integrity into question. As such, I did not believe S2 and suspected her claims to be false.

Of course, with everything that was/has been going on, particularly since 2015, I haven't wanted to trouble Dad with this and have wanted to resolve this with my sisters as adults. It has been on the back burner and I haven't had any communication with anyone that I can recall to clarify the situation.

This weekend, Les asked me about the property and if I still had it. Dad was there with us, so I turned to him and said, in answer to Les but simultaneously opening up the question, "Yes, I do but there is a situation about that." I wanted to ask Dad about my unanswered question from the time that I had spoken with S2, i.e. get confirmation that he had followed through on his plan.

Unfortunately, I was unable to speak to Dad about this because his reaction was to snap at me, saying tersely, "[Alterity], just leave it alone." I had absolutely no idea to what he was referring and I was honestly very upset. I had just been snapped at for no apparent reason.

Subsequent to that conversation, out of Dad's earshot, I learned that, yes, in fact, Dad had done what he said he was going to do. This was confirmed by two family members. Those two family members said to me that Dad had independently told each of them that he had given S2 and S1 money and that, in turn based on roughly equivalent value, I would keep the land to myself.

Since it is raw land, the market value is the same as the assessed value because it is very, very difficult to sell law land, especially that area. There are properties up there that have been on the market for 6, 8, 10 years that still have not yet sold. The site is a difficult one to build one and I have learned that from many visits there to get to know all of its features. It isn't impossible to build there, but not an ideal site that many prospective buyers are going to want to snatch up.

So, because I understand there is some skepticism about the value of the property, I would be more than happy to offer either/both of you the opportunity to "buy me out" for the assessed value. In addition, because I have paid about $7,000 for all of the taxes since 2000 and other expenses, e.g. survey, LLC formation, bank fees, etc., that would need to be added to the purchase price.

If one of you want to purchase it, you can give me $40,000 for it. This reflects the assessed value of $33,100 plus the $7,000 for the past seventeen years of maintenance. If both of you want to purchase it, then each of you can give me $20,000.

If neither of you want it, then I think that there should be no further complaints about this matter because we have each been treated fairly and squarely by Dad. I know that some family members want Dad to step in to tell whoever has a problem with me owning the property to just knock it off. However, I don't think that this is his mess to clean up and he sure doesn't need this ********. The responsibility belongs to whomever has an issue with it but can't deal with it directly with me like an adult.

This offer will be open until my birthday. There is no reason why this should drag on any further. Since land transactions must be in writing in order to be enforceable, I will prepare a Contract to Sell/Offer once I receive your decision(s). If I don't hear back from you about this by July XX, 2017, I will consider the matter to be concluded.

I am attaching a recent tax bill that shows the value of the property at $33,100 and the annual taxes of $315.44.

alterity

That email to sisters did not go over very well. I cleared the air though!

S2 admitted that she had received the $$ from Dad for her house but denied claiming otherwise to me, i.e. lying to me. Well, that's just a load of -you know what-. I remember exactly what she had said and exactly where she and I were standing, in front of her stove in her kitchen, when she said it. I even relayed to my husband what she had said when I returned from her house that time in 2015. He and I had discussed the situation, saying that IF it was true that Dad had given S1 $, me the land, and S2 had not been given the equivalent, that that would be quite a pickle to have to deal with later on in case S2 made a claim about it.

Well, on one hand, I am very glad that S2 was wrong, because that solves THAT problem. On the other hand, my family doesn't need S2's griping about something that isn't accurate (a disparity in the values). I actually don't think S2 is ever happy without having something to complain about.

I even offered her a solution to the perceived (though non-existent) problem, but that's still not good enough. I end up being called shallow and accused of only caring about money. The denial-projection insanity is so thick, it's palpable.

What a crazy, crazy family I have.

Maudcat

Yep. Families will get to you in ways no on else can.
Peace.