Fate2012

It's been a few months since I've been on here and a lot of things have happened and I could really use some insight so I can move forward.

Earlier this month, my divorce was finalized from my AH. We have two young children together that I care for, he has only seen them once in the last week and a half.
While we were married he was either on pills, heroin, attending rehab or up to no good. The last straw came when he had an affair with someone he met from NA. That lasted a few months and now he is with someone that he knew from HS. It's like he never looked back and has no remorse for treating me like crap the last four years. I feel so USED and beat down.
He and his mother came over earlier this week to take the kids for dinner and not only did he not make eye contact with me, he didn't even say a word. Really??? He was the one that has the affair and wanted a divorce. My mom thinks he has anti-personality disorder which im not a Dr. but I'm sure he has mental problems.
Now that we are divorced, im trying to move forward and heal at the same time. My friends and family say don't take things personally, it's him not me but how can I not take things personally? He threw our family in the trash.
One last thing...im not sure if he is using now but he has had a drug problem off and on throughout his adult life.
Please help me if you can, any insight, thoughts, perspectives would be wonderful. Thank you all!!
Fate

Refiner

Hi Fate. I just wanted to let you know I feel for you but try not to take it personally (I know, I know... Easy to SAY). But he can't acknowledge you or he's looking straight into the face of his demons he's allowed to take control of his life. I a actually think I would prefer this type of interaction than one where he acts all puffed up, arrogant, and superior to you. Your thoughts?

AWorriedFather

Hi Fate.

Maybe he is still on drugs. He didn't want you to see his pupils or pick up on his slurred speech. He was paranoid about it.

JOIE12

Analyzing the moods and actions of someone in active addiction (which would be easy to assume here) is futile. You will make yourself crazy.

Are you able to refocus your attention when dealing with him so that you do not dwell on the negative emotion ?

It's all about the thoughts that we installed in our heads, instead of "... why wont he look at me, doesn't he care, how could he throw our marriage away..." you could try "... I'm better off not having to deal with worrying, obsessing, wondering and feeling rejected, or I am building a wonderful life for myself and my daughter, I am strong, I am a good person and I am worth it !!!"

Exude happiness and confidence - they are the most positive chemical reactions.

He is lost in addiction, stay in the life boat

Fate2012

Thank you all for your advise and helpful words. I know I need to move forward but there are times when I am having tough days. It should be easy for me to get over since he treated me so poorly and probably cheated on me more than once.
My priority are my kids and I am the only stable parent they have. He is not a good person and I don't want them around him.
He has moved on with his next victim and hopefully she will figure him out sooner than later.

Refiner~I agree with you, it's like he is playing the victim and it's a joke. He is a good manipulator however he can't change how he feels inside for himself.

Vale

Fate2012,

We have a saying around here. Recovery LOOKS like recovery and using
LOOKS like using.

I am going to say something here that might ruffle a few feathers but it is
truly the way I think of this particular sub-subject.

I don't believe addicts can HAVE affairs. Only people with unscrambled
brains can. Brains that can figure out right and wrong-----and choose what
they choose KNOWING the fabric of reality and the cost/benefit of their
choices.

An person in active addiction has NONE of these faculties----they are
merely dopamine seeking automatons. They are like guided missiles. Once
launched off the rail (by a sentient/conscious being who is CULPABLE for
the act of pulling the trigger)-----they simply GO and SEEK. To expect
reason, intelligence, or anything resembling such from an addicted brain
is to misunderstand.

You said he threw your young family in the trash. This implies the power
of decision. From all I have learned-----this is simply NOT the case. There is
no one behind those eyes. It is the blank bovine stare of the dopamine seeking
automaton figuring how to further cash in on the familiarity angle-----
to get more dope (AKA dopamine rush).

The last time I saw the addict I cared about, she was summoned from the
back room of a dope house by a serial violent felon scumbag who very much
enjoyed have a drug addicted slave to take out the frustrations of his
miserable, pathetic, wasted life on (she was black and blue every day!).

All I cared about were the eyes. I wanted to know if there was anybody
aware behind them---or were they simply a doll's eyes.

Addicts don't have "affairs"-----sentient people do. Addicts seek out the
equally desperate/lonely/vulnerable.....to scratch an itch. Nothing more.
A rest upon the wind before seeking their next victim. Someone with a
job/cash flow/food/roof.

So what did I see when I looked into her eyes that last time?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

James86

Thanks Refiner. This is exactly what I needed to read tonight. Sometimes I wonder why my ex doesn't acknowledge me either after 8 years, so your statement about them not being able to face us because they'll realize their demons, is so on point. Thank you.

And fate. You're not alone. Your story feels very similar to mine. It's not personal because my ex acts the same way. It's the drugs.

JOIE12

thanks Vale !
eloquently written ... everyone usually says that cheaters are cheaters regardless of the drugs. I have been witness that this is not necessarily true. What you speak of, makes so much more sense. it's like two addicts falling in love instantly when they realize that they can 'scratch the others itch'. For me, meaning sharing, helping, assisting with the drugs that they need.

JOIE12

i remembered my ABF one evening saying to a woman that he thought she was early 20's. He looked confused after turning and saying to me that she really looks like 25.

I laughed and told him she had children older than that.

I believe the heroin distorted so much that he could not see what a non user could see.