hoping it gets easier from here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 3
hoping it gets easier from here
Hi everyone,
I posted on here not too long ago about my relationship with my now ex bf for the past 3 years. We were on and off and it was a very rocky road for both of us with his opiate addiction. I won’t get into the details but the cycle is very similar to that of others. He’s been seeing a therapist for the past 8 months, however he did not want to go to meetings or rehab. He recently told me that he relapsed and was going to an inpatient rehab because he truly wants to stay clean. This was the first time he was honest about relapsing and seeking treatment. However, we left our relationship on a sour note before he left because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to continue this back and forth relationship. It’s consumed so much of my thoughts and emotions and the future is so unknown with addiction that it really scares me. Although I’ve done so much reading on addiction and don’t know if trust can be rebuilt, it’s also hard to make that complete break and let go.
He was there for about 12 days because his insurance cut him off, and he chose not to take suboxone or any other medication. I spoke to him the day after he got home and he sounded like a completely different person. He seemed to have this rush of energy because all of a sudden he’s feeling emotions that he hasn’t felt in a long time. He had revelations and is planning to approach becoming clean much differently now (he plans to attend meetings, stop all substances, IOP, etc). He said one of the main reasons he’s thinking about things differently and is looking at the world in a new way is because he felt an overwhelming spiritual awakening there. He seems to feel elated because he believes this is an important part of recovery (and life in general) that he never thought he would be able to find.
A part of me was hoping he would come out of rehab wanting to repair the relationship, or at least feeling sorry for what I’ve been through these past few years. I know this is wishful thinking because it takes time and effort on both parts to make it work. However, I didn’t expect him to be so firm on wanting to break things off. His responses left me with anger and resentment. He said that because he wasn’t feeling much of anything the past few years, that he doesn’t know if he was truly able to feel love when he said he loved me. He thought he meant it when he said it, but doesn't know if he was able to truly feel what this means. I know he cares for me and I understand he was numbed from the drugs, but I wasn’t sure how to take that statement.
He apologized for lying to me and hurting me, but he doesn’t seem to fully understand how this all has effected me. It’s like he’s on such a high right now from his newfound emotions and ephiphanies, that he's in a bubble and doesn’t have the capacity to consider me right now. Its not fair that he's basically skipping around all jolly while I’m over here trying to pick up the pieces and sort through everything.
He said that he needs to build a foundation and stay clean for some time before having a relationship, otherwise things may go right back to how they were. He doesn’t expect me to trust him right now, and feels that he needs to process everything and work on changing himself before anything else. I respect this and understand that he needs to work on himself first. I’m just hurt that he doesn’t seem to be sad about breaking up, because my emotions have been bounced back and forth for so long that a final break is going to take some time and registering for me. He also said that he doesn’t expect me to wait around for him because that wouldn’t be fair. He said that he didn’t expect himself to say this, but if I met someone and wanted to go on a date then I shouldn’t hold myself back. I’m trying to sort though all of this because I’m not sure if what he’s saying is coming from a sense of maturity and respect (and a true approach to get clean and maybe try to repair the relationship one day), or if he’s continuing the selfish and self absorbed mindset of addiction.
Though we’ve been on and off, I always felt some comfort knowing that it wasn’t final. To try to avoid having false hopes and unrealistic expectations, I did so much research on addiction, gave myself space and tried to become less emotionally invested, etc, but it's still hard to let go. I keep letting my heart take over the logic because despite the hurt, we both feel we have a special connection that's hard to find. Looking for advice from anyone that’s been in a similar position. Thank you for listening
I posted on here not too long ago about my relationship with my now ex bf for the past 3 years. We were on and off and it was a very rocky road for both of us with his opiate addiction. I won’t get into the details but the cycle is very similar to that of others. He’s been seeing a therapist for the past 8 months, however he did not want to go to meetings or rehab. He recently told me that he relapsed and was going to an inpatient rehab because he truly wants to stay clean. This was the first time he was honest about relapsing and seeking treatment. However, we left our relationship on a sour note before he left because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to continue this back and forth relationship. It’s consumed so much of my thoughts and emotions and the future is so unknown with addiction that it really scares me. Although I’ve done so much reading on addiction and don’t know if trust can be rebuilt, it’s also hard to make that complete break and let go.
He was there for about 12 days because his insurance cut him off, and he chose not to take suboxone or any other medication. I spoke to him the day after he got home and he sounded like a completely different person. He seemed to have this rush of energy because all of a sudden he’s feeling emotions that he hasn’t felt in a long time. He had revelations and is planning to approach becoming clean much differently now (he plans to attend meetings, stop all substances, IOP, etc). He said one of the main reasons he’s thinking about things differently and is looking at the world in a new way is because he felt an overwhelming spiritual awakening there. He seems to feel elated because he believes this is an important part of recovery (and life in general) that he never thought he would be able to find.
A part of me was hoping he would come out of rehab wanting to repair the relationship, or at least feeling sorry for what I’ve been through these past few years. I know this is wishful thinking because it takes time and effort on both parts to make it work. However, I didn’t expect him to be so firm on wanting to break things off. His responses left me with anger and resentment. He said that because he wasn’t feeling much of anything the past few years, that he doesn’t know if he was truly able to feel love when he said he loved me. He thought he meant it when he said it, but doesn't know if he was able to truly feel what this means. I know he cares for me and I understand he was numbed from the drugs, but I wasn’t sure how to take that statement.
He apologized for lying to me and hurting me, but he doesn’t seem to fully understand how this all has effected me. It’s like he’s on such a high right now from his newfound emotions and ephiphanies, that he's in a bubble and doesn’t have the capacity to consider me right now. Its not fair that he's basically skipping around all jolly while I’m over here trying to pick up the pieces and sort through everything.
He said that he needs to build a foundation and stay clean for some time before having a relationship, otherwise things may go right back to how they were. He doesn’t expect me to trust him right now, and feels that he needs to process everything and work on changing himself before anything else. I respect this and understand that he needs to work on himself first. I’m just hurt that he doesn’t seem to be sad about breaking up, because my emotions have been bounced back and forth for so long that a final break is going to take some time and registering for me. He also said that he doesn’t expect me to wait around for him because that wouldn’t be fair. He said that he didn’t expect himself to say this, but if I met someone and wanted to go on a date then I shouldn’t hold myself back. I’m trying to sort though all of this because I’m not sure if what he’s saying is coming from a sense of maturity and respect (and a true approach to get clean and maybe try to repair the relationship one day), or if he’s continuing the selfish and self absorbed mindset of addiction.
Though we’ve been on and off, I always felt some comfort knowing that it wasn’t final. To try to avoid having false hopes and unrealistic expectations, I did so much research on addiction, gave myself space and tried to become less emotionally invested, etc, but it's still hard to let go. I keep letting my heart take over the logic because despite the hurt, we both feel we have a special connection that's hard to find. Looking for advice from anyone that’s been in a similar position. Thank you for listening
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 65
Ginger - welcome to SR. I can relate 100% to your post. It mirrors my situation; ex recoveringabf is now 8 months sober. Was with him for about 3 years. He got out of IP rehab end of Jan., kicked me to the curb. I found out later it was for a girl in rehab, however, I have since found out he's texting other girls, as well. His version is he is "working on him" and needed time to sort out his feelings for me and that when he was ready he would contact me. I didn't even get an "I'm sorry....etc". Instead I got, "it wasn't me, it was the drugs" and "I can't undo or fix what I did"...shows no remorse, nothing. It's like he is using his addiction as an excuse for continued bad behavior.
It sounds as though your bf is experiencing the "pink cloud" right now. It is very common from what I've read. I have all the same thoughts and feelings as you about the relationship, it was real for you (and me, we weren't numbed by drugs) but for them, it was a haze.
It's been 4 months since my ex and I have been apart. He is very cold and unemotional the few times we talk and it always turns ugly. I am finally beginning to see him for what he is.
Now your bf my be sincere and unlike mine so I'm not trying to be negative. The only other thing I can say is recovery really is selfish, just like active addiction...but that is because it has to be for them to succeed. Either way, we seem to always come 2nd or farther done the list. Only time will tell by his actions if he is serious or not.
I know it hurts like hell, I really feel for you. The advice I am following from here and my Alanon group is to work on me. That's all I can do. I have to learn to let go of the hurt and anger and just move on with my life. I don't know if you have Alanon or NA in your area, it seems to help a lot to have others that understand. We here at SR understand, as well. Take care - hugs to you!
It sounds as though your bf is experiencing the "pink cloud" right now. It is very common from what I've read. I have all the same thoughts and feelings as you about the relationship, it was real for you (and me, we weren't numbed by drugs) but for them, it was a haze.
It's been 4 months since my ex and I have been apart. He is very cold and unemotional the few times we talk and it always turns ugly. I am finally beginning to see him for what he is.
Now your bf my be sincere and unlike mine so I'm not trying to be negative. The only other thing I can say is recovery really is selfish, just like active addiction...but that is because it has to be for them to succeed. Either way, we seem to always come 2nd or farther done the list. Only time will tell by his actions if he is serious or not.
I know it hurts like hell, I really feel for you. The advice I am following from here and my Alanon group is to work on me. That's all I can do. I have to learn to let go of the hurt and anger and just move on with my life. I don't know if you have Alanon or NA in your area, it seems to help a lot to have others that understand. We here at SR understand, as well. Take care - hugs to you!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Florida
Posts: 117
Both of you are telling my story! I am not sure if I fantasize about a fake relationship or if it was real.
Time heals all wounds and each day has its highs and lows. All we can do is work on ourselves and continue to read.
Someone asked me if I would want this lifestyle for my-friend. Of course not.
Hugs to you!
Time heals all wounds and each day has its highs and lows. All we can do is work on ourselves and continue to read.
Someone asked me if I would want this lifestyle for my-friend. Of course not.
Hugs to you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
as Jorgenss wrote, we would not want our sister, mother, daughter or friend in a relationship such as this ... so why are we so undeserving that we should be involved with an addict and all that goes along with that ?
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