lawrie

I was proud of myself. I stepped away from my aBF and his drama. I started back to school. He started coming back into my life, once he stopped using meth ... seemed to be ironing stuff out... which was good, but now it's back to the hurt game. I know, this stuff takes longer than a few months. I guess I was hopeful... but if you remember, he was the one with the SERIOUS voices, etc..

Long story short, he stopped using and had a bad spell of depression, bad psychosis ,etc . Then he started acting/feeling better. Now it has been MIA and ignoring etc.. Only crumbs here and there of his well being and whereabouts. I don't know if he is withdrawing badly or is back to using.

He told me before that when he ignores me, he is raging and takes it out on me. Can someone explain this to me in a way that I can understand it?

I'm thinking of messaging.. letting him free. Saying something along the lines that I'm tired of getting hurt when he is hurting. That I'm not contacting him anymore. Or should I just let it be? I have no idea if he's now clean or not. He said he's always ANGRY!

I'm sorry that he hurts, but dammit, I hurt too. Anytime I express my hurt, it all goes back to his hurt and how I'll leave like everyone else.

I know I'd benefit from some meetings. There are non near me.. closest is about 50 miles.

I HATE meth.

beachygirl

Laurie...I understand your pain, but have no explanation except that they are addicts and it takes over. We become the collateral damage. Meth destroyed my 20 yr marriage and I still don't understand.

What I have learned is all you can do is know that it is not your fault, educate yourself, seek counseling and advice from sites such as this. It helps so much to know you are not alone!

I kept thinking my ex would come to his senses and would see the wreck he was making of his life. By the time he did we were divorced, our beautiful daughters had grown up and he was homeless...all his choices .

Take care of yourself and many hugs to you. I never want to feel the pain and angst I felt for the five yrs we went through his nightmare...save yourself!

lawrie

I'm so sorry beachgirl. My son's father is also an addict (we've not been together for 11 years). When I got with the current addict in my life, he had been in recovery for around 2 years from uppers that were not meth. He was so full of life and such a kind man. He turned into something different for sure. Saying many times his life is a waste now. I think it is a waste on meth, but I hope he stops before before it's a total lost. In less than a year, he managed to develop meth mouth.

My son's father was recently busted by the FBI for federal trafficking charges. He is looking at 10 to life. I haven't broke the news to my son (who is 11). I don't even know how what to say to him. My heart breaks for him. His father is a meth addict, and the good guy that came into our lives after is now a meth addict. I feel like such a let down to my son as well for making such poor choices in men. I might just stay single the rest of my days. It seems easier.

I hope your daughters were able to cope well with their father's choices. I know your heart breaks for them. Thanks for the comforting words and sharing your experience.

CarmenLove

Hi Lawrie,

I am sorry you are going through this.

I would look to why you keep gravitating towards addicts. That is what I am doing for myself. As well as educating myself, posting here and attending meetings.

I am also doing healthy, positive things in my life, and travelling.

Somebody here posted a really good article before called 'Do You Love To Be Needed Or Need To Be Loved' which has some great insights.

Just don't be more invested in his recovery than he. Be invested in yours.

Be the invitation but don't expect that he will definitely take it.

Sending hugs.

lily1122

lawrie
I think they hurt us for many reasons...first I think its the addiction talking, when I met my ex he was completely sober from drugs and alcohol and he was the nicest guy, full of life and genuinely happy.
Then he relapsed and he became something else.
First he was angry at himself for the relapse, then he was angry at me for bringing stress in his life that lead to the relapse.
When things got really bad last winter he was a completely different person, he became dark and it was like watching a zombie walking around. Basically I think the addiction was like another personality.

Then I believe they hurt us because they are hurting themselves and don't know how to express their feelings. Only when my ex was completely sober is when he told me that he hates himself when hes using and he doesn't want anyone to see him in active addiction or detoxing.

This is just my personal feelings from dealing with this and how I have seen my ex go from this full of life guy who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with to the addict who doesn't care about anything but drugs and alcohol.

If you wanna talk feel free to message me I am always here to talk to

lawrie

Thanks for the words everyone. I've been wanting to reply sooner, but had a paper to write. I'm in nursing school and trying my best to make it a top priority!

The thing that has always bothered me the worst through all this is the absence/ignoring/avoidance from the raging, shame, and guilt. It's like I get punished for his feelings. I know he hurts and has anger issues. I think they are getting worse. He has told me he hates himself, is full of rage and selfharm.

My therapist said he tries to level me...make feel worse so he feels better. Have any of you experienced this?

He told me once he stays away because it's in my best interest.

Anyways thanks for the reach out Lily and everyone else, I really appreciate it and wished none of you knew from personal experience.. I'm trying to move past this but am having a rough time. I have good times and bad. Bless you all.

ladyscribbler

It's like I get punished for his feelings. I know he hurts and has anger issues. I think they are getting worse. He has told me he hates himself, is full of rage and selfharm.

I think this is 100% accurate. I had the same experience with my ex. I think that as the addiction progresses and gets worse, so does all the negativity and self-hatred

My therapist said he tries to level me...make feel worse so he feels better. Have any of you experienced this?

Yes. It was also a way for him to try to deflect attention away from his alcoholism. It helped me a lot to understand that nothing he did was really about me, however personal it may have felt or sounded. It was wholly a reflection of his disease and poor self-image. Someone on the F&F of Alcoholics board once posted that she started imagining that everything her AH was saying about or to her was really how he thought of himself. That idea helped me a lot.
Sounds like you're doing a great job keeping the focus on your goals. Keep up the hard work at school. Big hugs to you.

lawrie

Thank you so much ladyscribbler. Your answers have helped me understand things.

Well, I found out why I'm being ignored, etc... I've put the pieces together.. he acquired a bit of money over the weekend.. is using, and is active on a dating site as I type this finding some meth @#$*# to party with.

After a big cry and long talk with a friend, I feel better. I've decided not to message him anymore, and turn him over to God. I'm sad but relieved at the same time. Please pray for me that I can keep to my plan.

(((hugs)))) and a few tears

AnvilheadII

i think we often assign thoughts to the actions of others that are simply not true. i think it's less likely that others go out of their way, and spend a lot of time planning how to HURT us....they just do what they do. what they've always done. WE personalize and demonize it. what probably is hardest to swallow is how rarely WE enter into the equation at all..........

JOIE12

he cannot 'make' you feel anything ... those are your choices.

Reading about Codependency shows us that we like to 'fix' things. We take in the broken things of this world and we think we can save them from their lives. Unfortunately - this is what addicts feed on.

When you want to end the cycle - you will. And it will be YOUR decision.

We all know how difficult it is, we have been there ... but we also know what works, how we feel after the storm and what our tomorrow's will NOT include.

Best to you lawrie, hugs ... you can do this

lawrie

I agree with you 99%, but there are people in the world who purposely seek out to hurt others to build themselves up. People will hurt out of hurt, and for some reason, it makes them feel better.

I know much of the hurt and pain is not personal (as personal as it affects us).

Eauchiche

It might help you to look up some talks on YouTube by Father Emmerich Vogt. One of the things he says is that those of us in helping professions often end up with an addict.
My separated mate has gotten so toxic, that it is a grace to be no contact, as much as I miss him. He has admitted to me more than once how unhappy he is. I think I can assume that he wants me just as unhappy.
So glad you are here among us. Keep coming back!!!