Shocked and Upset
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 45
Shocked and Upset
Well here I am again sad and confused.
My boyfriend has been doing so well, he got a job and was talking about going to college.
Well Friday I wasn't feeling good and I was cranky and that makes him get an attitude and he went out and got some alcohol so I got mad at him. He knows I do not allow alcohol in my apartment and hiding it makes it worse.
So Saturday we were talking I went out for a bit and then he went and did the laundry. He came back and said he needed to go to the store and came back an hour later. I could tell he had been drinking and told him that if he wanted to start drinking he needed to find a place to live because he is not aloud to drink here ( it was an agreement we had made when we talked about him staying here)
I said I will not have a repeat of last summer with him drinking all the time which ended up taking a turn for the worst and he started using again.
Well he just stopped making dinner and walked out. Hes been gone for almost 12 hrs again. I am guessing he went to his drug hangout ( cause of course I am going to think the worst)
I have never met anyone with such bad stress management skills. And if someone is talking to you and sharing there feelings how do you just walk out. I will admit I wasn't very nice to him but I will not bend on my boundaries with him and I cant be nice to him when he breaks a rule in my apartment.
I had a feeling this was going to happen, as soon as he gets money this is what happens , he drinks. But I have to say that for him to leave again makes me think hes been thinking about using this whole time and who knows maybe hes been using here and there the whole time he was back.
Maybe I am wrong and he went to his sisters. I will keep every one updated.
And to think if he was sober from drugs yesterday would of been 5 months clean.
My boyfriend has been doing so well, he got a job and was talking about going to college.
Well Friday I wasn't feeling good and I was cranky and that makes him get an attitude and he went out and got some alcohol so I got mad at him. He knows I do not allow alcohol in my apartment and hiding it makes it worse.
So Saturday we were talking I went out for a bit and then he went and did the laundry. He came back and said he needed to go to the store and came back an hour later. I could tell he had been drinking and told him that if he wanted to start drinking he needed to find a place to live because he is not aloud to drink here ( it was an agreement we had made when we talked about him staying here)
I said I will not have a repeat of last summer with him drinking all the time which ended up taking a turn for the worst and he started using again.
Well he just stopped making dinner and walked out. Hes been gone for almost 12 hrs again. I am guessing he went to his drug hangout ( cause of course I am going to think the worst)
I have never met anyone with such bad stress management skills. And if someone is talking to you and sharing there feelings how do you just walk out. I will admit I wasn't very nice to him but I will not bend on my boundaries with him and I cant be nice to him when he breaks a rule in my apartment.
I had a feeling this was going to happen, as soon as he gets money this is what happens , he drinks. But I have to say that for him to leave again makes me think hes been thinking about using this whole time and who knows maybe hes been using here and there the whole time he was back.
Maybe I am wrong and he went to his sisters. I will keep every one updated.
And to think if he was sober from drugs yesterday would of been 5 months clean.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
Hello lily
Does monitoring another person exhaust you ? He has ignored any boundaries you have set for 'yourself'. It doesn't seem like you are happy with your bf. So why are you allowing him to keep coming back to stay with you ?
Addicts do what they want to do. They will 'promise' to be better when they need a place to stay, someone to enable their lifestyle or choices.
I cannot tell you what it feels like to be free of what you are dealing with.
Please read the sticky at the top of this forum about codependency, it may help you as much as it did me.
My ABF passed away in March. He chose his own path the night that I left.
It has been very sad and I'm not sure what the moral of the story is, but I know that you deserve more than what you are getting, let the guy in your life see that as you SHOW him what you need. It may never change and it will destroy you in the process.
Hugs lily, best of luck to you
Does monitoring another person exhaust you ? He has ignored any boundaries you have set for 'yourself'. It doesn't seem like you are happy with your bf. So why are you allowing him to keep coming back to stay with you ?
Addicts do what they want to do. They will 'promise' to be better when they need a place to stay, someone to enable their lifestyle or choices.
I cannot tell you what it feels like to be free of what you are dealing with.
Please read the sticky at the top of this forum about codependency, it may help you as much as it did me.
My ABF passed away in March. He chose his own path the night that I left.
It has been very sad and I'm not sure what the moral of the story is, but I know that you deserve more than what you are getting, let the guy in your life see that as you SHOW him what you need. It may never change and it will destroy you in the process.
Hugs lily, best of luck to you
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 45
Well hes back
Well he came ringing my doorbell at 8 am sunday. I asked him if he was drunk and he said he was drinking all night and I could tell he used drugs, he said he got high on pills.
He said he wanted to come in to go to bed and I said no, I told him before if he ever disappeared again he would not be aloud in so I slammed the door in his face.
He started to bang on the door so I opened it so the neighbors wouldn't call my landlord, he begged me to let him in saying he had no where else to go, I told him it wasn't my problem anymore and that he was no longer my problem. He apologized about what he did and I told him I didn't believe he was sorry for hurting me he was sorry cause he has nobody else to help him but me and I am done with him .
I told him to find someone else to take care of him because I was done and I went to close the door but he pushed his way in and laid down in my bed!!! I asked him what he was doing and he said he was too tired to talk. I told him there was nothing to talk about and I wanted him gone. He ignored me and fell asleep.
Now he says he doesn't have to leave and that he has squatters rights and I am gonna have to take him to court. I said fine court it is but if hes not gonna give me any money for bills he cant use the gas or the electric here. He said fine and then tossed all the food he bought with his food stamps and then told me hes recording all our conversations for court. I said go ahead me telling him to leave and that I hate him is not really something the court will care to hear. Plus you cant use recordings in court. I then told him he cant sleep in my bed and he has to sleep on the floor.
I really cant believe its become this bad between us. I don't understand why he wants to stay here. He says I am the nastiest person hes ever met and I make him miserable but yet he says he cares and now he wont leave.
Who wants to live somewhere they are unwanted with someone whos so horrible? I would leave if I were him. He said he will be able to stay here for 6 months if we go to court and they hear his side of the story. I don't know what his side will be.
Lets see he has lived here for 2 years and hes only paid rent maybe 6 times. He only gets food cause of his food stamps and this was the first month he paid his half of the rent cause he got rental assistance from the state.
I am so angry and upset. I don't even want to be here when hes here but I come home to spend time with my kitties ( it may sound silly but they are the only things I have that make me happy right now)
sorry for the long post but I needed to vent
He said he wanted to come in to go to bed and I said no, I told him before if he ever disappeared again he would not be aloud in so I slammed the door in his face.
He started to bang on the door so I opened it so the neighbors wouldn't call my landlord, he begged me to let him in saying he had no where else to go, I told him it wasn't my problem anymore and that he was no longer my problem. He apologized about what he did and I told him I didn't believe he was sorry for hurting me he was sorry cause he has nobody else to help him but me and I am done with him .
I told him to find someone else to take care of him because I was done and I went to close the door but he pushed his way in and laid down in my bed!!! I asked him what he was doing and he said he was too tired to talk. I told him there was nothing to talk about and I wanted him gone. He ignored me and fell asleep.
Now he says he doesn't have to leave and that he has squatters rights and I am gonna have to take him to court. I said fine court it is but if hes not gonna give me any money for bills he cant use the gas or the electric here. He said fine and then tossed all the food he bought with his food stamps and then told me hes recording all our conversations for court. I said go ahead me telling him to leave and that I hate him is not really something the court will care to hear. Plus you cant use recordings in court. I then told him he cant sleep in my bed and he has to sleep on the floor.
I really cant believe its become this bad between us. I don't understand why he wants to stay here. He says I am the nastiest person hes ever met and I make him miserable but yet he says he cares and now he wont leave.
Who wants to live somewhere they are unwanted with someone whos so horrible? I would leave if I were him. He said he will be able to stay here for 6 months if we go to court and they hear his side of the story. I don't know what his side will be.
Lets see he has lived here for 2 years and hes only paid rent maybe 6 times. He only gets food cause of his food stamps and this was the first month he paid his half of the rent cause he got rental assistance from the state.
I am so angry and upset. I don't even want to be here when hes here but I come home to spend time with my kitties ( it may sound silly but they are the only things I have that make me happy right now)
sorry for the long post but I needed to vent
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
lily, are you on the lease ?
He could have been removed the night he pushed his way in.
Do not listen to the words. Actions matter. What they say means so little. He is in active addiction, he has one thought, one goal.
He could have been removed the night he pushed his way in.
Do not listen to the words. Actions matter. What they say means so little. He is in active addiction, he has one thought, one goal.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
lily see if you can find a legal service to help you with the legalities. I wouldn't believe anything he says, after all he isn't a squatter and isn't paying his way. Consider changing the locks next time he leaves and calling 911 if he tries to break in.
He's revealed himself for the free-loader he is, and couldn't care less about any agreement you made in advance. Let him try to take you to court - it won't happen. Concentrate on not allowing him back in if he leaves.
He's revealed himself for the free-loader he is, and couldn't care less about any agreement you made in advance. Let him try to take you to court - it won't happen. Concentrate on not allowing him back in if he leaves.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 45
I have done some research and he does the legal right to stay here for 30 days because he has residency even though he isn't on the lease. Then after that I have to go to court and have him evicted. Then after the judge tells him he has to leave he has 72 to leave and remove all his stuff.
This sucks. He left again last night cause we argued. He called me delusional and that I don't understand how horrible I am . Same old "I am the victim" crap he always gives me.
He actually said if we told a stranger the history of our relationship anyone would take his side. Its scary the way he thinks. Hes the delusional one, he thinks he can do anything he wants and then when someone gets on his ass about it they are wrong. Its sick actually the way he thinks.
I hope he doesn't ever come back. and I can move on with no stress anymore.
This sucks. He left again last night cause we argued. He called me delusional and that I don't understand how horrible I am . Same old "I am the victim" crap he always gives me.
He actually said if we told a stranger the history of our relationship anyone would take his side. Its scary the way he thinks. Hes the delusional one, he thinks he can do anything he wants and then when someone gets on his ass about it they are wrong. Its sick actually the way he thinks.
I hope he doesn't ever come back. and I can move on with no stress anymore.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
He'll be back, once he's done with his bender and needs a soft landing. He'll expect you to keep the cycle going because that's what you've always done. You argue and protest, but you still open the door for him. He keeps coming back because you keep opening the door.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
if he's using and harassing, I cannot see why any officer would not force him to go sleep somewhere else. I believe you have more rights than you believe. and YES ^^^ to ladyscribbler. When we want something bad enough, nothing stands in our way. Best of luck to you lily. Please think about your safety first.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Next time he leaves, don't open the door when he comes back high. Call the police. You have a right to quiet enjoyment of your own place, too. It would be even better if he were making noise outside, then maybe neighbors will call too.
This is why I will never again allow someone to live with me, or even to have a key.
Ex ABF I had still uses my address as his legal address even though we never lived together and it's been 25 years since I've seen him. So annoying.
This is why I will never again allow someone to live with me, or even to have a key.
Ex ABF I had still uses my address as his legal address even though we never lived together and it's been 25 years since I've seen him. So annoying.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
lily do you really think he's going to take you to court? An addict? And I can't see him calling the police on you if he's under the influence. Don't let him in again, assuming he hasn't a key. If he kicks up a fuss, call the police and tell them he's been taking drugs.
He won't take you to court, and you can always tell the truth that he agreed to move out if he was ever under the influence. He's trying to bluff you; hold your ground.
He won't take you to court, and you can always tell the truth that he agreed to move out if he was ever under the influence. He's trying to bluff you; hold your ground.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 177
Feeling Great is 100% right! This is an addict. He is unable to get his $hit together long enough to take you to court! Total bluff! Don't fall for it for a second!
We recently went through getting my son & his GF (both addicts) out of their apartment. They were 3 1/2 months behind on their rent, the power had been shut off by the electric company, and the landlord (a good friend of ours) simply wanted them out. We were on the lease. He wasn't coming after us for any money (although we paid him ,$1000 at the end of January out of a sense of personal obligation to a friend who had given them " a chance") he just wanted his apartment back.
They had basically stopped spending nights there for the most part but were showing up periodically and doing what they do. My husband met the landlord there and they came in and basically just started moving furniture out. My sons gf was there at the time and freaked out. Yelling and screaming at them to get out or she would call the cops. The landlord handed her his phone and told her to "go ahead", " I'll dial the number for you". Guess what...the cops were never called.
If he show up again, its likely he will be high. Sounds like he'll be trouble. Don't hesitate..call the police!!! They will likely tell him he cannot stay there, particularly in his state of mind, and that this is a civil matter, and he needs to take it to court. I will guarantee you that doesn't happen!!!
As long as he knows he can continue to manipulate and intimidate you successfully, he will continue to do so! Put your foot down! Change your locks and keep a phone nearby!
We recently went through getting my son & his GF (both addicts) out of their apartment. They were 3 1/2 months behind on their rent, the power had been shut off by the electric company, and the landlord (a good friend of ours) simply wanted them out. We were on the lease. He wasn't coming after us for any money (although we paid him ,$1000 at the end of January out of a sense of personal obligation to a friend who had given them " a chance") he just wanted his apartment back.
They had basically stopped spending nights there for the most part but were showing up periodically and doing what they do. My husband met the landlord there and they came in and basically just started moving furniture out. My sons gf was there at the time and freaked out. Yelling and screaming at them to get out or she would call the cops. The landlord handed her his phone and told her to "go ahead", " I'll dial the number for you". Guess what...the cops were never called.
If he show up again, its likely he will be high. Sounds like he'll be trouble. Don't hesitate..call the police!!! They will likely tell him he cannot stay there, particularly in his state of mind, and that this is a civil matter, and he needs to take it to court. I will guarantee you that doesn't happen!!!
As long as he knows he can continue to manipulate and intimidate you successfully, he will continue to do so! Put your foot down! Change your locks and keep a phone nearby!
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Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 608
The user AND the individuals allowing this person to live with them (the codependent, enabler) are both the prey of this disease. You both are at fault and are feeding off of each others pain. It is the sour truth of it. I suggest you attend al-anon, therapy, prioritize what matters to you in your future and your educational/career goals;As we often engage in these relationships because passion & purpose is missing in either our career and/or spiritual life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 45
Well he left Friday night and I haven't seen him since. I know he will ring my doorbell again and when the time comes hes not coming in.
I am done being used and lied to . I have been asking myself why have I been doing this. It used to be because I loved him but I don't anymore, hes not the same person I met 2 years ago and I know now that person was just an act to get me to love him.
I think I was there for him because I felt bad that he doesn't have anyone else but now I know why.
I was stupid for believing he was gonna change. Once he gets money in his wallet he goes right back to his drugs and alcohol.
I know now he doesnt want to get better, he wants to work ( for money) not have any responsibilities, and party and who ever stops him from doing that is the bad person ( me) .
I know he is going to die from this addiction and theres nothing I can do and that hurts but this is the reality I have to accept.
I will not let myself be sucked into his guilt anymore. He made his choice and now my choice is to move on and be happy. I deserve happiness, I deserve peace and quiet.
I am done being used and lied to . I have been asking myself why have I been doing this. It used to be because I loved him but I don't anymore, hes not the same person I met 2 years ago and I know now that person was just an act to get me to love him.
I think I was there for him because I felt bad that he doesn't have anyone else but now I know why.
I was stupid for believing he was gonna change. Once he gets money in his wallet he goes right back to his drugs and alcohol.
I know now he doesnt want to get better, he wants to work ( for money) not have any responsibilities, and party and who ever stops him from doing that is the bad person ( me) .
I know he is going to die from this addiction and theres nothing I can do and that hurts but this is the reality I have to accept.
I will not let myself be sucked into his guilt anymore. He made his choice and now my choice is to move on and be happy. I deserve happiness, I deserve peace and quiet.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
no one can tell you how it's going to be ... but you reached out and you had already 'seen' the truth. I think now ... you can 'feel' it, which is the opening you have needed.
Good luck to you Lily ... yes he will be back and you have a choice to give yourself freedom from this mess.
Good luck to you Lily ... yes he will be back and you have a choice to give yourself freedom from this mess.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Florida
Posts: 117
Lilly,
After nearly 5 months of being away from active addiction, I find it peaceful to live without the drama.
I relate to your feeling of nobody was there for him, except for you. However, they are quite resourceful and will find someone else to live with very quickly.
Please take care of you! Sending big hugs your way as the road is not easy, but you are worth it.
After nearly 5 months of being away from active addiction, I find it peaceful to live without the drama.
I relate to your feeling of nobody was there for him, except for you. However, they are quite resourceful and will find someone else to live with very quickly.
Please take care of you! Sending big hugs your way as the road is not easy, but you are worth it.
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