Meetings as a cover?
 

I have the insane idea in my head that "dinner with my sponsor" and "going to a meeting" are just cover stories for going out to get high. The insane part is that I thought AA was some sacred place that like, you couldn't pretend you were sober if you weren't. Like somehow there was a chalk circle drawn around that space and in it, an addict couldn't lie.

He chaired an AA meeting last week and asked me to attend, which I did. Is this to prove that he's going/has gone? I met his sponsor, who actually exists--but we did not chat (not that I expected to get a report).

"Going to meetings" coincides with other behaviors I've flagged as active using (nodding out, dishonesty about money). I just wonder if he's really struggling with getting clean, or creating a diversion to protect his lies. The former would be encouraging, but the latter would really tick me off.

Lots of addicts use "meetings" as a diversion. Like they use "work" or "family" as a diversion.
We can't know. We just know if it feels ok to us. If we are wrong, it is not our fault for being placed in the situation to judge. If we are wrong, we may or may not hVe the chance to apologize. It's not our fault we were in that position in the first place. It is our fault if we stay in a coda circus they demAnd to direct.

I often have the same thought and I don't think I believe much of what the addict says unless he shows complete honesty which Indont think is the case. I won't be surprised if it turns out that he is using the recovery community to manage his use and maintain relatively healthy and functioning to hide the truth.
Obviously it's a torture to try to figure out what's real and what's not. The trust is not there. The best sane way to handle it I think is just to focus on yourself. Whatever you can do to make your life better. If you choose to be with the addict, then just accept who he is. That means he might still lie and be an addict for the rest of his life. If he cannot recover at all can you beat all the consequences of living with an addict? If you can then I think you can stay. Otherwise, maybe you should really detach with love and focus on your own wellbeing.

I was once lied to about going to church, going to an NA meeting, going to the suboxone clinic, going to his parents house, going to the bank, going to the mall, getting oil changed, going to find cheaper car insurance(in person)

I don't miss the lies and look forward to the day I have a person I can trust.

Once again- recovery looks like recovery....I always doubted myself...listen to your inner voice, trust your gut.

What are your boundaries? Mine was/is "I (and any minor children in my care) will not live with active alcoholism/addiction."
You're making yourself crazy trying to figure him out, analyzing his every word and action. May I gently suggest putting that focus on you?
Instead of worrying about his meetings and his sponsor, why not find some meetings for yourself. Alanon and Naranon are great programs for family members.

I don't know about using meetings as a "cover" insomuch as the person is actively seeking dealers or buyers, but I do know that my exAH used to tell me all the time that he was going to an AA or NarAnon meeting, but then would disappear overnight. So odds are, he was not going at all, or if he was, he would go only long enough to "prove" that he had been there, pick up a can of Coke or a snack, & then leave.

Try to focus more on the overarching issue: trust & transparency in your relationship. If the issue SEEMS like "meetings", chances are it goes deeper, to whether or not your person is honest with you at all, and whether or not your gut is telling you not to believe him.

Meetings are whatever the attendee makes them.

My niece, for example, has taken AA very seriously. She's crashed and burned once, and from what I can tell, she doesn't want to do that again.

My AXGF, by way of comparison, went to NA meetings, but she never committed to becoming a more accountable, responsible adult. It's very easy for someone to go through the motions. It's more work to face things about yourself that are difficult to face.

That is not insane falseclaims, we are led to beleive that everyone In the rooms is "getting honest" and leading a spiritual life . I believed everything I heard in the rooms before soMe loving people told me the truth. What are you going to do to take care of yourself during this time? What has and hasnt worked in the past for you?

the addict who was in my life is highly intelligent person. His way of lying was half truth and omission. However, my gut tells me he is not completely honest because he always avoids talking about himself unless it's bout what he thinks he will be doing in the future. That for me shows no complete surrender. I don't bother trying to figure out where he stands in recover. I be known him for 8 years and his dad told me before that starting from age 16 he ha always in this cycle good for 2-3 years and then back in again for another 2-3 years and then again. I went through two cycles with him. He was never completely clean. One way I can tell someone is telling the truth is that they do not make an effort to remove your doubts. He was such a smart liar he refrained from talking about himself. He only talks about what he is going to do what he wants and would do but never what he did do... I am now much wiser discerning lies in relationships. Huge experience from dealing with the addict. I think positively this experience will help me raise my kids better. I lol be able to detect early signs and keep them off peer pressure for drugs.

Thanks to all who suggested I go to a meeting, I just went to one during lunch time and was able to share a problem.

For self care, what works for me is spending time with family, therapy, pampering, and baby time. I'll get all of these activities in this week. I want to challenge myself to go to the rest of the lunchtime meetings (they are MWF) that are scheduled between now and when I move.

I am moving with my baby several states away to be close to my parents. We were supposed to move as a family but the addict has made no plans to join us. I want to tell him that he is welcome to be with us when he is clean.

Good points above, I have never noticed the addict taking responsibility for what he has done - - all i get are these ramblings about what he is going to do in the future.

Two things I heard today that I found useful:
1. Live according to what I have today, as things are
2. Whatever the addict puts before recovery, he is going to lose (from an addict)

Thanks for the push to go to a meeting. Not a cure all, but an important step in the right direction.

No matter the excuse you hope they make progress but if they are lying there is still plenty of work to be done.

What's just as bad sometimes is the person covering especially if they are supposed to be the sober ones or not in need of rehab. If a person isn't available or can't make that's ok. But anytime I hear reasons, excuses or rationalizations before even being asked a question I think they want to put the issue of someone's absence to rest.

I've seen this a lot with someone covering for another-or should I say covering up a feud/not talking to that person as well.

one day you will realize that you deserve more than what you are showing him that you will tolerate.

Meetings help us. We see ourselves, learn what we need to change, allowing our feelings and to find a path going forward. Please think about going.

best to you falseclaimsact :) hugs