selpats

So my addict and I have been back in contact for about a month now, and I'm starting to encounter some of the problems that I'm pretty sure we all saw coming, but I need advice. Whenever having a conversation about our relationship or something important, I have a really hard time getting him to open up to me. He was never that good at communication, even before the drugs, and now it's much harder. I don't want to put any pressure on him or anything like that because I know he can't handle it, but every time I try talking to him about something I end up being really pushy or overbearing trying to get him to talk about his feelings. Last night, it was so bad that he lashed out at me and said some really hurtful things. Now he's treating me like I have done something horrible to him, and he's basically ignoring me. I just want to get him to talk, but I have no idea how to talk to someone in his frame of mind. I know many of you will probably tell me to walk away, and maybe I should, but if I'm being honest with myself, I don't think I'm strong enough to do it. Despite everything, I still see something in him. It was so easy for us before, I just keep thinking that if we work hard enough, we can get back there. This whole situation is the most heartbreaking thing I've ever experienced, and I feel so powerless.

zoso77

selpats...

I think a better question is why are you choosing to put up with this. This is no longer about him. This is entirely about you and your choices.

There is nothing, based on your posts and your description of him, that indicates he will be a mature, responsible, committed partner in a relationship. He dumped your arse, he found someone else, and then you allowed him to weasel his way back into your life (and your bed).

I can tell you with a pretty high degree of confidence that he will not change. I can tell you with 100% confidence that you won't change him. And based on that, his verbal abuse doesn't surprise me in the least.

So, it comes down to the following question: what is best for you?

Up to this moment, your decisions have been based on what you want. And what you want is not necessarily the same thing as what is best for you.

Are you ready to decide what is best for selpats?

Keep us posted.

AnvilheadII

He was never that good at communication, even before the drugs

It was so easy for us before, I just keep thinking that if we work hard enough, we can get back there

he is who he is. not who you want him to be. he's not a talker. and you trying to pry things out of him won't work and isn't really fair.

why not step back and try to view things objectively - AS THEY ARE. without any IFs.

ladyscribbler

Despite everything, I still see something in him.

Basing a relationship on someone's potential is a recipe for disappointment. I've done it a lot and never has my love been "enough" for someone to reach what I thought was their potential to be my perfect soul mate. Not because they failed or were inherently bad people or wanted to hurt me, but because my expectations were unrealistic.

It was so easy for us before, I just keep thinking that if we work hard enough, we can get back there.

It seems like you're attributing a lot of wonderful qualities to a man who is basically a cipher. You've done a lot of projecting about him and this relationship. I think that what you want back is the fantasy.

This whole situation is the most heartbreaking thing I've ever experienced, and I feel so powerless.

You are and you aren't. You're powerless over him, his behavior and his choices. You do have the power to decide how you will be treated in a relationship. You have the power not to accept unacceptable behavior. You have the power to look at your motivations for staying.
This seems to be less about real love and more about your fear of being alone. But as Zoso pointed out, nothing in this man's history suggests that he will ever be a loving and available partner.
You deserve better. Have you considered taking some of this energy that you have focused on him and using it to do some introspection and self-care?

AWorriedFather

Go first. Tell him how YOU feel only. See where he takes it.

Don't expect a quick fix. If the conversation goes south then change the subject or end the call, and don't push it as far as you can. Just be thankful for the moment you have.

selpats

Once again, I thank all of your for your words of advice.

I can say without a doubt that I am afraid of being alone. I have been with him for so long, and I was so miserable when he left me, that anything feels better than being alone. This is undoubtably something I need to work on with myself, and I'm thinking that therapy might be able to help me work through some of these things. I am currently taking online classes, and won't have a job until July, so I have a lot of free time, and it's hard to be alone.

Additionally, I know it's not realistic to expect him to be the same person he was before he started using. I'm trying to make things work by doing things that used to work for us, but they obviously don't work anymore. For example, before the drugs he wasn't a big communicator, but he was never rude or disrespectful to me. If an argument or a conversation went south, he would walk away until we'd both calmed down, and we'd be able to have start over. However, now he let's his emotions get the best of him. I tend to have a bit of a temper and to be a little pushy with people. I'm trying to rediscover how to connect and communicate with him.

Like I said above, things were never hard for us before drugs. Now, neither of us seem to be able to find a common ground. I want him to prove he can be committed, but he's not ready for a full blown relationship. I understand, but at the same time, I'm not sure that I have to emotional strength in me to wait for him to be ready because I don't know that he ever will be. I just don't think he knows what he wants. I know he loves me, but there's just so much standing in our way. It's going to take a lot of work for us to be ok again, and so far he's not willing to put forth the effort required. I am also not sure I have the emotional strength to walk away (hence why I'm considering some talk therapy at the moment). I have some very difficult decisions to make. I just want to be happy again, but this whole situation (everything since his arrest last October), has got me so mixed up. This isn't me.

zoso77

From my experience, there are worse things than being alone.

When my AXGF was gone, and it was certain she was never coming back, I experienced a sense of calm. What had ultimately turned into a nightmare was over, and I could start focusing on myself.

And while I'm still not in a romantic relationship, that does not mean I'm alone. I have several very, very good friends, a gift I'm thankful for every day. I've arrived at a point where if I'm going to be involved with someone romantically, it will be on my terms. Right now, I don't.

So you'll have to learn how to sit with yourself and to do things that are good for you...

FeelingGreat

Hi, I'm sorry you're in this situation. I've learned a lot dealing with a son who hates talking when he's upset. Part of it is he's afraid he'll cry, part is not wanting to face up to a problem, and part just not being able to find the words. If you put too much pressure on him, he walks away.

You want to know where you stand with him; meanwhile he's probably using all his emotional resources to hang in there and not use. It's not a good time for life changing decisions. If he's sincere, and get's you to commit to him, then he relapses, how bad would that make him feel.

For now, it might be best to concentrate on yourself rather than him. Take the spotlight off him and get on with your own life. You might want to plan for both contingencies in your relationship, and work on your fears and challenges. As you've said in your last post, a lot of this is about your situation too.

auroraxborealis

Now that I'm home, I've run into my X. I haven't really said more than "Hi," but I did text him to let him know his friend is trying to get in contact. He said the other day thanks for the info and he needs to talk to me. I just said you're welcome and ok. Haven't heard anything else. I'm terrified of what that means, because my mind goes to the worst case scenario, but I'm trying to not obsess over it because my brain filling in the blanks isn't going to do anything but drive me insane.

He's not much of a talker either, and my standard operating procedure is to talk it out and make sure I've explained myself completely. But often I end up just repeating and defending myself (not just him, but in general) and just blabbing for no reason.

selpats

That's actually a really good way to put it. While him and I were apart for those 2 months, I was really sad, and developed some anxiety issues. Not having a whole lot of excitement, while boring and sometimes depressing, was at least calm. Since experiencing this, I have always been envious of people who are perfectly fine being alone. I used to be like that. I actually kind of preferred it sometimes. But virtually nothing in my life is the same as it was a year ago, so I'm having trouble remembering who I am. It's almost as if he does to me what meth and heroin did to him.

I really appreciate all the advice you have given me over the past couple months. It's unfiltered and unbiased and that's exactly what I need right now.

Thank you for your advice. Some things you said really put it into perspective for me. It's really easy to forget how messed up he is on the inside when he seems so normal on the outside. He's probably being more responsible than me in some aspects because it's so obvious neither of us should jump back into anything serious. He realizes that, but I don't (I do in my head, but not my heart).

Right now, my plan is to try to seek some talk therapy to help me rediscover myself, and what makes me happy. My focus has been on someone else for so long that I need direction to help my attention to myself. I would like to continue to see him, but I want to try to detach myself from the situation a little bit so I won't be so hurt if things don't work out. I'd like us to be able to end on a civil note this time, if that's what's going to happen, and that means I need to take care of myself.

selpats

I know exactly how you feel. I'm not in the best position to be giving you any advice right now. However, I would encourage you to at least hear what he has to say. It might help you move on and give you closure. That being said though, I wouldn't contact him again. If he wants to talk to you, he will. If he never brings it up then you know you dodged a bullet because whatever he had to say must not have been very heartfelt if it didn't feel important enough for him to mention to you. I know that's easier said than done.

As far as the talking thing goes, I do the same thing. I haven't yet figured out a way to stop myself, but I think the easiest way to talk to an addict is to avoid pressuring them for information, explanations or apologies. It doesn't work, and it usually ends badly for both parties. However, that again is easier said than done.

Don't fret and you always have support here!

StormyWeather33

My addict and I were back in contact again, and I started to experience communication issues too. First he was calling me constantly, then would say he needed time to think and disappear and not answer calls or texts. I started to worry again about him, then had to stop myself. I just let him know this morning that I caught myself repeating old patterns (rescue, worry, wait, repeat) and that I can't do it anymore. I had to tell both myself, and him, that I don't conduct my other friendships this way, and I won't do it with him this way any longer. I am still a work in progress and had to tell him not to call me. It's so painful, but I can't change him, so I have to change myself!

atalose

Early on in al-anon I heard this at a meeting once “if they weren’t piano players before getting sober they are not going to be afterwards”. I wasn’t really sure what that meant but on my recovery journey I learned.

If he’s not a big communicator he just may never be and that may not be something you can accept or feel you deserve. When “we” are insecure and “need” affirmation from our partners on love, security, life and they are unable to give us that we may be with the wrong person and staying and settling for less is cheating ourselves.

We spend so much time on trying to get them to stop drinking/drugging we don’t realize the person they truly are but instead focus on their possibilities once the chemicals are removed.

BlueChair

Selpats,

If your not familiar with it, you might consider checking out Smart Recovery. With my husband we did a lot of family counseling together but many of the strategies I was taught about how to best communicate with him seem to be taught in the Smart Recovery family program.

Im not going to try to analyze your relationship, its up to you to decide where its all at, but it helps a lot when you can have effective discussions with the other person, get a feel for where they are at without it ending up one sided, or having a negative result, one person feeling resentful or the like.

I think people follow along the stages of change when using drugs and when considering in their own minds how it fits into their life. You can learn how to pick opportune times for communicating with the person, There is often a constant change in dynamics of relationships and it matches where they are at emotionally for example.

This book helped me too. Its used over at Smart. "Beyond Addiction, How Science and Kindness Help People Change, by Jeff Foote, PhD. ".