My daughter is an opiate addict, what can I do to make it stop!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 12
My daughter is an opiate addict, what can I do to make it stop!
My daughter has been a drug addict for 5 years. Her drug of choice is Oxys, she started by popping them to snorting them, and ultimately shooting them. She has tried Methadone when she found out that she was pregnant the first time and weaned herself off with success. She stayed sober for a while, then relapsed a couple of times. She got pregnant again and started using while pregnant, when we found out, we took her back the the recovery clinic where they placed her on Bupenephrine. By the grace of God these two children are healthy and wonderful. My daughter however has relapsed twice in the last year. My son in law and I are exhausted from all of the lies, deceit, theft, and drama dealing with her. We have tried a 7 day inpatient clinic locally and she checked herself out within 24 hrs. She has been going to meetings, but I have doubts about going into a room full of addicts....it seems like all they do is make more drug contacts. I recently involuntarily committed her for 5 days, and although she hates me right now, she has agreed to inpatient care. I believe the only reason she has agreed to it is because her husband has kept her from her children. I have been searching the web high and low, and have spent hours talking with different facilities trying to find the best fit for her. I am really at a loss and feel like she will not stick with a program if we put her in it. I haven't expressed that fear to her, but I see it coming. Looking back on the last 5 years, I am not really certain that she has been clean. I don't think she knows what is feels like to be sober and normal.
If anyone has any advice for me as to the best way to interact with her, or the best treatment plans that you have experienced that works......please, I beg of you.....share it with me!
I am desperate for her to get her life back. Please help!
If anyone has any advice for me as to the best way to interact with her, or the best treatment plans that you have experienced that works......please, I beg of you.....share it with me!
I am desperate for her to get her life back. Please help!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
Hello dear one. I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. You posted in the friends of alcoholics forum. Does she drink too? There is a substance abuse forum that may be of more help, but you will find good advice here too. and we tend to be more active. My daughter is 4 years sober. I know the heartache that you are experiencing.
The one thing that you must understand is that not YOU nor anyone else can MAKE her stop. You did not cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. That is not a statement of hopelessness, it means that once you accept that, you will be better able to see how you can effectively support her rather than enabling or trying to save her. you've done a lot help her, but what has she done for herself? SHE must want sobriety, SHE must want sobriety above all else. You can check her into clinics til crack of doom and she will go right back unless she wants to stop. No amount of begging, pleading, screaming, bribing will change that. Not even being without her children will deter her long. Even if she wants to stop, her body is overriding her reason. For addicts this deep in the hole, sober feels awful. It's their equivalent of being drunk or high in an unpleasant way. The world goes flat and gray. Being wasted feels normal. The detox from opiates is horrible. Addicts can't tolerate discomfort or confronting the level that they've sunk to. They will do anything to avoid pain.
There is no best treatment plan for everyone. Different people respond to different things, though it sounds like she could use in house for at least 12 months. There are many different types of meeting that she can go to. There is rational recovery, smart recovery, celebrate, women for sobriety and a few more. Being in a room of truly sober recovered people working hard each day to stay sober is not necessarily bad, though I understand your concerns.
For your own strength, you must find help for yourself and your son in law needs support too. You could both benefit from counseling, therapy or even an al a non group. Your daughter is grown, the priority is the children. They will need you both strong, rested and clear headed. Dealing with addicts is time consuming, exhausting and thank less. You love her well, but you must learn to love her wisely. Read the stickies list before the threads. Read in the substance abuse forums about what recovering addicts are going through. I know that you were looking for something like the missing piece to the puzzle. There is one, but only your daughter would know what it is. It's her puzzle to put together. I'm sorry I can't be of more help. She is in my prayers.
The one thing that you must understand is that not YOU nor anyone else can MAKE her stop. You did not cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. That is not a statement of hopelessness, it means that once you accept that, you will be better able to see how you can effectively support her rather than enabling or trying to save her. you've done a lot help her, but what has she done for herself? SHE must want sobriety, SHE must want sobriety above all else. You can check her into clinics til crack of doom and she will go right back unless she wants to stop. No amount of begging, pleading, screaming, bribing will change that. Not even being without her children will deter her long. Even if she wants to stop, her body is overriding her reason. For addicts this deep in the hole, sober feels awful. It's their equivalent of being drunk or high in an unpleasant way. The world goes flat and gray. Being wasted feels normal. The detox from opiates is horrible. Addicts can't tolerate discomfort or confronting the level that they've sunk to. They will do anything to avoid pain.
There is no best treatment plan for everyone. Different people respond to different things, though it sounds like she could use in house for at least 12 months. There are many different types of meeting that she can go to. There is rational recovery, smart recovery, celebrate, women for sobriety and a few more. Being in a room of truly sober recovered people working hard each day to stay sober is not necessarily bad, though I understand your concerns.
For your own strength, you must find help for yourself and your son in law needs support too. You could both benefit from counseling, therapy or even an al a non group. Your daughter is grown, the priority is the children. They will need you both strong, rested and clear headed. Dealing with addicts is time consuming, exhausting and thank less. You love her well, but you must learn to love her wisely. Read the stickies list before the threads. Read in the substance abuse forums about what recovering addicts are going through. I know that you were looking for something like the missing piece to the puzzle. There is one, but only your daughter would know what it is. It's her puzzle to put together. I'm sorry I can't be of more help. She is in my prayers.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
The best treatment plan for myself was straight up meetings and no re-habs.
In N.A meetings if she wants support she'll find support.
And I didn't take substitute drugs to get clean it was straight withdrawals until it was done.
And Nar Anon meetings for you to go to for support. Are there any?
In N.A meetings if she wants support she'll find support.
And I didn't take substitute drugs to get clean it was straight withdrawals until it was done.
And Nar Anon meetings for you to go to for support. Are there any?
Originally Posted by Dita 
My daughter has been a drug addict for 5 years. Her drug of choice is Oxys, she started by popping them to snorting them, and ultimately shooting them. She has tried Methadone when she found out that she was pregnant the first time and weaned herself off with success. She stayed sober for a while, then relapsed a couple of times. She got pregnant again and started using while pregnant, when we found out, we took her back the the recovery clinic where they placed her on Bupenephrine. By the grace of God these two children are healthy and wonderful. My daughter however has relapsed twice in the last year. My son in law and I are exhausted from all of the lies, deceit, theft, and drama dealing with her. We have tried a 7 day inpatient clinic locally and she checked herself out within 24 hrs. She has been going to meetings, but I have doubts about going into a room full of addicts....it seems like all they do is make more drug contacts. I recently involuntarily committed her for 5 days, and although she hates me right now, she has agreed to inpatient care. I believe the only reason she has agreed to it is because her husband has kept her from her children. I have been searching the web high and low, and have spent hours talking with different facilities trying to find the best fit for her. I am really at a loss and feel like she will not stick with a program if we put her in it. I haven't expressed that fear to her, but I see it coming. Looking back on the last 5 years, I am not really certain that she has been clean. I don't think she knows what is feels like to be sober and normal.
If anyone has any advice for me as to the best way to interact with her, or the best treatment plans that you have experienced that works......please, I beg of you.....share it with me!
I am desperate for her to get her life back. Please help!
If anyone has any advice for me as to the best way to interact with her, or the best treatment plans that you have experienced that works......please, I beg of you.....share it with me!
I am desperate for her to get her life back. Please help!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Dita, and Welcome to SR...although I am sorry for the reasons why you needed to find us!
This, I'm sorry to say, is very true. Unless and until your daughter decides for herself that she really wants to change, no program will be successful.
My stepson is an alcoholic and crack addict. One thread that really helped me when I first found SR is this:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I hope that you will continue to read the threads here, and especially the stickies at the top of this sub-forum. You, your daughter, and her family will be in my prayers.
I am really at a loss and feel like she will not stick with a program if we put her in it.
My stepson is an alcoholic and crack addict. One thread that really helped me when I first found SR is this:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I hope that you will continue to read the threads here, and especially the stickies at the top of this sub-forum. You, your daughter, and her family will be in my prayers.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I will add one thing....sometimes a room filled with people who struggle with the same problem is just the thing that a recovering addict needs. There are many, many paths to recovery. It takes self-motivation and the desire to be clean above all else for the path to become a successful journey.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 12
Sorry I posted in the wrong forum, but thank you both for the feedback. This is an awful journey watching your child slowly destroy herself and everyone around her. She has told us that she has been attending meetings , but to be honest I doubt she has. And if she has it has been few and far between.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Houston, tx
Posts: 32
Welcome to SR! Although I know the struggle of wanting someone to be clean, I can't put myself exactly in your shoes, since mine was just a BF. All I can say is read the hell out of the forum, the friends and family section, and then even venture into the other ones for newcomers dealing with addiction.
You can't make them do anything. I literally was a set up detox center in my apartment for my ex(I'm an RN) i did this I can't tell you how many times. I went with him to the suboxone clinic and prayed no one recognized me there. I found programs, I took him out to dinner for every 30 days he told me he was clean. I cried to him, I pleaded, I begged. And then one day it clicked. Not only that he has to want it, but that I was slowly LOSING my mind.
What I can also tell you, is that as much as we here in SR tell you this: this is also a conclusion you have to come to on your own. I know the anger and frustration, and because of this forum and basically getting out all of my verbal diarrhea, and then reading thousands of the same stinking story, I came to peace with it.
I will think good thoughts for you and your daughter. But the best advice I can give, is read the hell out of this forum. Best of luck. Feel free to post! Everyone on here is so amazing.
You can't make them do anything. I literally was a set up detox center in my apartment for my ex(I'm an RN) i did this I can't tell you how many times. I went with him to the suboxone clinic and prayed no one recognized me there. I found programs, I took him out to dinner for every 30 days he told me he was clean. I cried to him, I pleaded, I begged. And then one day it clicked. Not only that he has to want it, but that I was slowly LOSING my mind.
What I can also tell you, is that as much as we here in SR tell you this: this is also a conclusion you have to come to on your own. I know the anger and frustration, and because of this forum and basically getting out all of my verbal diarrhea, and then reading thousands of the same stinking story, I came to peace with it.
I will think good thoughts for you and your daughter. But the best advice I can give, is read the hell out of this forum. Best of luck. Feel free to post! Everyone on here is so amazing.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by Dita
Thank so very much guys, I am already feeling like I am not alone
My opiate addict was my husband. There is nothing more I can do for him unless he decides to get clean for himself and stick to it. He had my support, however that was abused and now he has to find his own way.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: South Alabama
Posts: 12
Welcome Diva I'm glad you found SR. I too have a DD who is addicted to opiates. This has been a long rocky road. As others have said the withdrawal from the opiates is horrible. It makes them physically sick.
I am so sorry that you are going through this and my heart goes out to you. Unless your daughter is truly ready to stop using no amount of rehab will work for her. I begged, pleaded and cried until my daughter went to rehab at 19. She stayed one week and left. She managed to get herself clean and sober while pregnant both times. She has had many relapses since then and this time is the worst.
She tried a 3 month rehab a couple of years ago. I think 70% of the reason she went was because we begged her to. She was not ready. At the end of the three months my daughter looked healthier than I had seen her in several years. I had my real child back for about 4 months.
I am not trying to make you feel worse or add to your pain. It has to be your daughter's choice and her journey. Even not being able to see her children may not be enough. My daughter is allowed to visit her children but has chosen not too very often. She always has an excuse when I offer to pick her up so that she can see them. She is not ready yet and I pray that one day she will be.
I will say prayers for you and your daughter. Keep reading and asking for support. It took me a long time to decide to focus on my sanity and to let my daughter face the consequences of her actions. I had to stop trying to rescue her. I would give everything I have to have my DD be healthy once again but only she can make that choice.
Hugs to you!
I am so sorry that you are going through this and my heart goes out to you. Unless your daughter is truly ready to stop using no amount of rehab will work for her. I begged, pleaded and cried until my daughter went to rehab at 19. She stayed one week and left. She managed to get herself clean and sober while pregnant both times. She has had many relapses since then and this time is the worst.
She tried a 3 month rehab a couple of years ago. I think 70% of the reason she went was because we begged her to. She was not ready. At the end of the three months my daughter looked healthier than I had seen her in several years. I had my real child back for about 4 months.
I am not trying to make you feel worse or add to your pain. It has to be your daughter's choice and her journey. Even not being able to see her children may not be enough. My daughter is allowed to visit her children but has chosen not too very often. She always has an excuse when I offer to pick her up so that she can see them. She is not ready yet and I pray that one day she will be.
I will say prayers for you and your daughter. Keep reading and asking for support. It took me a long time to decide to focus on my sanity and to let my daughter face the consequences of her actions. I had to stop trying to rescue her. I would give everything I have to have my DD be healthy once again but only she can make that choice.
Hugs to you!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
I am only saying this in this way because there is no other way to say it:
It does not end.
There is no such thing as "recovered", only "actively recovering".
Like Carmen, my addict is my husband, and unfortunately he thought that he was "recovered" enough to go off his meds, stop therapy & counseling & not be "dependent" on anything.
It has now been over a month since I have seen or talked to him.
Please, please do yourself the kindness of working toward understanding that you can never, never think of your daughter as "recovered". The moment you, or she, or your son-in-law do, the problems will begin again.
As others have said, as well, it is her choice and actions only that can determine whether she will be successful at recovering and continuing to recover. Please take care of yourself and those babies, and do not let yourself become the one who tries to hold her hand through it all.
Hugs.
It does not end.
There is no such thing as "recovered", only "actively recovering".
Like Carmen, my addict is my husband, and unfortunately he thought that he was "recovered" enough to go off his meds, stop therapy & counseling & not be "dependent" on anything.
It has now been over a month since I have seen or talked to him.
Please, please do yourself the kindness of working toward understanding that you can never, never think of your daughter as "recovered". The moment you, or she, or your son-in-law do, the problems will begin again.
As others have said, as well, it is her choice and actions only that can determine whether she will be successful at recovering and continuing to recover. Please take care of yourself and those babies, and do not let yourself become the one who tries to hold her hand through it all.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 19
Listen to the people on the board, they are some pretty smart guys (gals). Always remember the "C's"...you can't control, you can't cure, and you didn't cause. The most important lesson I have learned here is that I will no longer be an enabler and will not tolerate my wife's addiction anymore. There was a time when I loved this woman so much it hurt, she was my hopes and my dreams, and someone I would have killed or died for to protect. Fast forward 5 years and as much as I still care for her I can't wait till she is out of my life, it hurts me to say that because I will always have a soft stop in my heart for her but I can't live the life of an addict's spouse anymore.
I have spent thousands of dollars on rehab to help her and she only went to appease me and was back using shortly after leaving the clinic. This does not include the thousands of dollars stolen from me to include her selling her wedding set. She would not do any type of onward treatment like meeting, therapy, and so forth. Now we have gone back down the same road and I have had enough. I would have stood by my wife "for better or for worse" but I am, sorry to say I have given up.....I am powerless over the (her) addiction.
The best thing I could suggest is focus on those kids and yourself, those are the priorities in your life and and let your daughter make her own decisions.
Good luck to you.....
I have spent thousands of dollars on rehab to help her and she only went to appease me and was back using shortly after leaving the clinic. This does not include the thousands of dollars stolen from me to include her selling her wedding set. She would not do any type of onward treatment like meeting, therapy, and so forth. Now we have gone back down the same road and I have had enough. I would have stood by my wife "for better or for worse" but I am, sorry to say I have given up.....I am powerless over the (her) addiction.
The best thing I could suggest is focus on those kids and yourself, those are the priorities in your life and and let your daughter make her own decisions.
Good luck to you.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 12
So sad to hear all of this, but I am so grateful for all of you and your words of wisdom. Thank you so very much!
I have been making phone calls all week trying to find a rehab center that we can afford. She wanted to go into inpatient rehab at the beginning of the week, but now her mood swings are crazy and she has changed her mind 20 times.
This is so difficult and frustrating!
I have been making phone calls all week trying to find a rehab center that we can afford. She wanted to go into inpatient rehab at the beginning of the week, but now her mood swings are crazy and she has changed her mind 20 times.
This is so difficult and frustrating!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
It is her journey. You can't make her want to be free of her addiction. She must be the one or you will keep spinning your wheels. Feeling the emotional and physical pain of fear, worry and frustration.
I am praying for you. For strength and peace.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. Please keep us updated. hugs
I am praying for you. For strength and peace.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. Please keep us updated. hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Dita...welcome. I am in the same boat...DD an active heroin addict for 5 years...it has been awful, but after getting so very sick myself last September...came back on soberrecovery after a break and have been doing all the things that have been suggested, going to naranon meetings, on this site reading the heck out of everyone else's experiences and realizing that they are my own...'owning' the 3 C's much more deeply than ever before (had two previous daughters who went the drug route as well...thankfully living a life of functionality but there are still issues and problems and they blame me for all that I did to 'help' them...which helped me lose everything and need to start from scratch 3 years ago...over. Glad you are here and look forward to having you here going forward.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Dita, welcome. In the same boat with my active heroin addict...5 years and she has not been willing to do anything...got out of all detoxes arranged and well, she is taking her own path, whether I like it or not.
It makes me sad, but it is what it is. All that people have said above is full of wisdom. I came back to soberrecovery after literally almost moving heaven and earth to try to help my daughter for several years...last september...and was completely down and out; sick and had reached a bottom. Had to do a lot of work on myself...healthwise and all else.
It has been so good for me...and I have learned another many lessons. Addiction is never over...and it is so important to take care of you. Also, with the children...you have a lot on your plate as well. We took care of our two granddaughters when my 2nd daughter was still using crystal meth and she took us to the cleaners...has a real 'taker' personality...and then more...so it hasn't ended, but in setting boundaries...I am doing so much better.
Need to keep practicing as it is so easy to forget and then go down the slippery slope myself.
It makes me sad, but it is what it is. All that people have said above is full of wisdom. I came back to soberrecovery after literally almost moving heaven and earth to try to help my daughter for several years...last september...and was completely down and out; sick and had reached a bottom. Had to do a lot of work on myself...healthwise and all else.
It has been so good for me...and I have learned another many lessons. Addiction is never over...and it is so important to take care of you. Also, with the children...you have a lot on your plate as well. We took care of our two granddaughters when my 2nd daughter was still using crystal meth and she took us to the cleaners...has a real 'taker' personality...and then more...so it hasn't ended, but in setting boundaries...I am doing so much better.
Need to keep practicing as it is so easy to forget and then go down the slippery slope myself.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Dita...
I'm late reading this, so allow me to offer you a belated Welcome to the Board.
You have come to a very, very good place. We have a lot of mothers such as yourself who have had to watch their children struggle with addiction. These moms are an invaluable and precious resource in these parts, and the wisdom they have to share is equally so.
What makes opiate addiction so incredibly difficult to get a handle on is the brain remembers what it's like to be under the influence of them vividly. And when someone like your daughter is under the influence of opiates, it's bliss because nothing matters. She doesn't feel a thing. So when she's under duress, or upset, and she's feeling things she doesn't want to feel, her brain works against her because it's going, You know a way to make all of this go away. It's a brutal existence for her.
But as brutal as it is, it's her responsibility to get it under control, and in that respect, there's really not a lot you can do for you. She has to want to embrace recovery, and she has to want to do the work to get there. You can't do that for her. Nor can her husband do that for her.
Absorb what you can here. And I would encourage your son-in-law to get support like you are by coming here. Please keep us posted. And again, Welcome to the Board.
I'm late reading this, so allow me to offer you a belated Welcome to the Board.
You have come to a very, very good place. We have a lot of mothers such as yourself who have had to watch their children struggle with addiction. These moms are an invaluable and precious resource in these parts, and the wisdom they have to share is equally so.
What makes opiate addiction so incredibly difficult to get a handle on is the brain remembers what it's like to be under the influence of them vividly. And when someone like your daughter is under the influence of opiates, it's bliss because nothing matters. She doesn't feel a thing. So when she's under duress, or upset, and she's feeling things she doesn't want to feel, her brain works against her because it's going, You know a way to make all of this go away. It's a brutal existence for her.
But as brutal as it is, it's her responsibility to get it under control, and in that respect, there's really not a lot you can do for you. She has to want to embrace recovery, and she has to want to do the work to get there. You can't do that for her. Nor can her husband do that for her.
Absorb what you can here. And I would encourage your son-in-law to get support like you are by coming here. Please keep us posted. And again, Welcome to the Board.
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