peacelovesober

So its been a while. But thankfully I know i can always come back to a safe place. Really things are not nearly as crazy as when i posted before. ...but im just frustrated. So ah has been sober and relapsed too many times to count. The last trip to rehab has given him about three months sober till the pot smoking started.

Now he is lying about money and drinking and lord knows what else. He is telling me how much he wants to be in my life but his actions don't align. Why do I even bother ? He is always accusing me of seeing someone else eventhough i am not. But you know no wonder he says that. It must hissubconscious realizing how little he gives me as a husband. Not that changing my situation would help things but things are seriously easier in my life when he is not in it. I have no desire to see anyoneelse but i do rather enjoy being alone with myself.


Just now we had this long talk about how he has been lying to me and using again. He just graduated rehab on the 11 th of April. How can this be? He was so strong and seemed so sincerely eager about the change he was experiencing. Am i just expecting too much? I just want him to be honest and help me. I don't need him tomove mountains just be honest and try to help make the burdens of life a little easier.

I know that i have some serious enabling issues and I am trying to make sure i am not doing that this go round. He is not in any group and is not working recovery.

I don't know i just wanted someone to vent to or someone to give me a swift kick in the arse. ....

But someone say something. .....any word from others with experience are always appreciated

Ann

You can find peace and happiness alone without having another person in your life, as a matter of fact it is a healthy way to heal yourself and learn to be independent before even considering another relationship.

At some point you may want to decide if you are happiest with him as he is, or without him. His actions are showing you more than his words ever could.

I know it's a hard decision to make but even giving yourself some time apart from him may help each of you decide just what you want from life and how committed you are to making things work. It takes two people working hard to make any relationship work and so far it seems you have been rebuilding while he is tearing down. Nobody wins in a situation like that.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Anyone who says pot is a harmless drug hasn't seen the devastation it causes in families and lives of those who use and those who love the addicts.

Hugs

Falseclaimsact

Hi. Thank you for venting.....You asked if you are expecting too much. What are you expecting at all? I can definitely relate to your desire for a little honesty, since he seemed to give you some fractions of that in the past about his addiction.

I recently confronted my fiance about a day I knew he was high for. It was like I was giving him a free pass to admit it. He had answered my questions before (fresh home from detox), so why not again this time? I am learning though....not to expect progress. Progress is backward-looking. It only appears when i have some actual points to connect.

Jorgenss

Sadly, honesty isn't what active addiction's actions are.

anxiouswife2

Actions & words are very different. I remember being so damn confused by the two different things that were going on with my exhusband - the stories i was being told vs. what was happening right in front of me.
it's a very vulnerable situation & you want things to be different so badly, that watching the active addiction passively felt better to me until i had reached my breaking point. i wasn't ready to leave for a while, but when i was, i was gone.
being alone has been AMAZING. (i have a 4 year old, but i mean being untangled from him). the chaos and heartache are no longer my life & the crazy part is i didnt realize how bad it was til i was out on the other side.

lots of thoughts your way!!

secondwind

I had the Addict removed from my life a little over 2 years ago. It was the best decision I ever made for myself and my kids.

I lived 5 years on a roller coaster. I blamed everything and everyone around me. I refused to see that I was the one staying on the roller coaster. I kept telling the ride conductor, "one more time around.'

One day I just woke up and for the first time, I decided I had had enough and I took the steps to take the crazy out of my life. Addict had a choice to clean up or not. But it was made clear to him, i was no longer allow drug use in my house, around my kids or me. There was no two weeks to clean up. There was no weaning down.

Honestly, inside I kept a small window open. I felt if Addict cleaned up and could maintain a positive healthy sobriety for a year, working, supporting himself, making good decisions, I would entertain the thought of a relationship again.

Addict didn't. He is still using today and some other woman is allowing him to take her on a roller coaster ride. And I am just fine with that. It doesn't hurt. I am happy and grateful and thankful it is no longer me.

I am in no way saying you need to leave AH. Just giving you my story.

Katiekate

The longer you stay, the longer it gives him to really screw with you.

Vale

Katiekate,

If THAT is not a perfect epitaph for this entire addiction nightmare....

.......then I don't know what is!

Very Respectfully,

Vale the duck

JOIE12

Secondwind ... thank you and amen !

Whitewingeddove

Reading this from a few different perspectives. First from that of a wife of an addict in recovery since 2005. Secondly as a mom to a 23 yo addict who has been to rehab so many times I have honestly lost count. He's currently incarcerated and awaiting a bed in rehab yet again and we have custody of my two year old granddaughter because mom is also in rehab at this time. My son is facing having his probation revoked with a likely 3-7 year sentence for an offense he committed at 18 due to his addiction, but I digress...

I remember all too well being first the GF, and then wife of an active addict. Why I never left I don't know. How he managed to finally get clean I don't have the answer to either...what I do know is this....looking back it would have been WAY easier to have left my significant other than it is to walk away from my son...would it have changed anything? Who knows... Can't undo the decisions I have made, but I do know I lost myself years ago and I am certain there are pieces of the old me that are gone forever due to the years of codependency...

Please take care of you! We often think we can't live without them...but there are worse things...much worse...like watching addiction transfer from one generation to the next...and losing parts of your soul that you can never recover... Please, take care of you!!!!!! Big hugs!!!