Practicing Detachment Feeling Very Much Like Worst Mother Of The Year
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: South Alabama
Posts: 12
Practicing Detachment Feeling Very Much Like Worst Mother Of The Year
This will be long so I apologize in advance. I will try to summarize and condense as best as I can. My DD is almost 33 and has abused substances off and on again since she was 17. There have been periods of staying clean. I have 2 wonderful grandchildren who I have guardianship of due to the substance abuse.
Pain pills are the main problem but there have been other things when DD was worried about her liver. I have been letting DD live with me and the kids for several years as long as she worked and was trying to stay straight. For about 18 months I begged my daughter to get a job to help me support the family. We do not receive child support from their dad. She would not work, would not help around the house and we were constantly fighting about her not helping with anything and being gone all hours. We had really ugly verbal arguments. I reached a breaking point and kicked her out last April so it has been a year now.
During the past year she has gotten into more trouble, traffic tickets that have gone unpaid, charged with a class C felony for possession. She was assigned and ordered into drug court. She refuses to go to court, test or anything else. She does not work and has no car or job.
She swears that she is not using and that she does not have anyone to help her get a car so that she can work. I have let her sleep in the car, go hungry and pretty much everything I can think of to get her to hit her rock bottom whatever that may be. I did not bail her out of county jail and let her stay there for 1 month until the judge released her.
She hates my guts and said all I care about is money and that if I loved her I would give her a place to stay or at least offer to help.
I have given her money, a free place to live, helped her with cars and fines in the past.
I have offered to come and pick her up so that she may spend time with her children and she always makes excused as to why she can't. They have very little contact with her anymore and it breaks my heart. She thinks that I should drop my child support case against her and that I am trying to ruin her life.
I just needed to vent because it is very hard to stay detached. I miss my daughter the one who is funny, hard working and a good mother when her head is on straight. I don't miss being cussed out, verbally abused or taken advantage of. I don't know have to have a relationship with her anymore. I can't reason with her about anything.
I guess I have 2 questions and would like input.
1. We had a family trip planned or have tried to have one for the last 2 years. It kept getting put off mainly because of her. She got in trouble yet again with the Class C Felony and I thought she would be doing drug court, calling color code everyday and not being able to leave the county. I went ahead with my promise to my granddaughters to take them to Disney World in a couple of weeks. I invited her brother instead so that I would have another adult with me. I feel horrible about it and I know that she is hurt that I did so. I did not do this to her and don't feel like I should tell her brother he can't go because all of a sudden she can.
2. Am I wrong to be trying to get some child support? I raised my 3 children and I feel like she should contribute something.
I'm really sorry this was so long.
Pain pills are the main problem but there have been other things when DD was worried about her liver. I have been letting DD live with me and the kids for several years as long as she worked and was trying to stay straight. For about 18 months I begged my daughter to get a job to help me support the family. We do not receive child support from their dad. She would not work, would not help around the house and we were constantly fighting about her not helping with anything and being gone all hours. We had really ugly verbal arguments. I reached a breaking point and kicked her out last April so it has been a year now.
During the past year she has gotten into more trouble, traffic tickets that have gone unpaid, charged with a class C felony for possession. She was assigned and ordered into drug court. She refuses to go to court, test or anything else. She does not work and has no car or job.
She swears that she is not using and that she does not have anyone to help her get a car so that she can work. I have let her sleep in the car, go hungry and pretty much everything I can think of to get her to hit her rock bottom whatever that may be. I did not bail her out of county jail and let her stay there for 1 month until the judge released her.
She hates my guts and said all I care about is money and that if I loved her I would give her a place to stay or at least offer to help.
I have given her money, a free place to live, helped her with cars and fines in the past.
I have offered to come and pick her up so that she may spend time with her children and she always makes excused as to why she can't. They have very little contact with her anymore and it breaks my heart. She thinks that I should drop my child support case against her and that I am trying to ruin her life.
I just needed to vent because it is very hard to stay detached. I miss my daughter the one who is funny, hard working and a good mother when her head is on straight. I don't miss being cussed out, verbally abused or taken advantage of. I don't know have to have a relationship with her anymore. I can't reason with her about anything.
I guess I have 2 questions and would like input.
1. We had a family trip planned or have tried to have one for the last 2 years. It kept getting put off mainly because of her. She got in trouble yet again with the Class C Felony and I thought she would be doing drug court, calling color code everyday and not being able to leave the county. I went ahead with my promise to my granddaughters to take them to Disney World in a couple of weeks. I invited her brother instead so that I would have another adult with me. I feel horrible about it and I know that she is hurt that I did so. I did not do this to her and don't feel like I should tell her brother he can't go because all of a sudden she can.
2. Am I wrong to be trying to get some child support? I raised my 3 children and I feel like she should contribute something.
I'm really sorry this was so long.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 104
She ... said all I care about is money and that if I loved her I would give her a place to stay or at least offer to help.
With respect to the trip: The brother was given the invite. With his taking it, your addict is learning that you are simply allowing her to experience the consequence of her using rather than making her the Exception to the Rule. All addicts think they are that exception.
With respect to child support: A kinship foster can be set up in which the foster parent gets reimbursed by the state, and this sounds like your situation. In which case, your wish to get paid for taking care of her kids while she won't is really none of her business. You're giving her the opportunity to demonstrate that she can be an adult and a parent.
It's about that. It's not about the money. You know this, and you're doing great.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 19
"Worst mother of the year"? I beg to differ with you on that comment. It sounds to me like you know exactly what needs to be done and your doing it. "Tough Love" is the phrase you should be looking for and it sounds like the policy you have implemented. Stay strong and don't let her try and manipulate you or the situation.
Some of the things you describe about your daughter is EXACTLY what I dealt with with my soon to be addict ex-wife. She refused to work and kept telling me I was only interested in money. I am at an age where I need to focus on my retirement and think about my future. I was hoping she would be a part of it but I am not going to give up everything I have worked for because she refuses to contribute. An active addict will continue along their path until we stop enabling them. Then they either hit rock bottom or find another source.
You say your daughter hates you but keep in mind it can the addiction talking and they are trying to hurt you every way possible. My wife has said thing to me that would get a man punched in the freaking mouth, but I got to the point where I just consider the source and walk away.
As far as your questions, think about it like this. You go to Disney with your grandkids and daughter. From what you said it sounds like she may have a warrant for her arrest with the prior history. You get stopped for a traffic offense, not saying your a bad driver, the cops run the names......see where this is going? For the second part, I think she should have to pay to support her kids, you are not asking for much but for her to, "just do the right thing". If she gets clean and sober, and decides to contribute you can always readdress the matter in family court.
Stay on your course of action, in my opinion you are doing something I should have done a long time ago with my wife.
Some of the things you describe about your daughter is EXACTLY what I dealt with with my soon to be addict ex-wife. She refused to work and kept telling me I was only interested in money. I am at an age where I need to focus on my retirement and think about my future. I was hoping she would be a part of it but I am not going to give up everything I have worked for because she refuses to contribute. An active addict will continue along their path until we stop enabling them. Then they either hit rock bottom or find another source.
You say your daughter hates you but keep in mind it can the addiction talking and they are trying to hurt you every way possible. My wife has said thing to me that would get a man punched in the freaking mouth, but I got to the point where I just consider the source and walk away.
As far as your questions, think about it like this. You go to Disney with your grandkids and daughter. From what you said it sounds like she may have a warrant for her arrest with the prior history. You get stopped for a traffic offense, not saying your a bad driver, the cops run the names......see where this is going? For the second part, I think she should have to pay to support her kids, you are not asking for much but for her to, "just do the right thing". If she gets clean and sober, and decides to contribute you can always readdress the matter in family court.
Stay on your course of action, in my opinion you are doing something I should have done a long time ago with my wife.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: South Alabama
Posts: 12
Thank you both for the kind words. My head tells me I am doing the right thing but my heart says otherwise. I try to take it one day at a time. I fist visited these boards years ago when DD was 18 and on her first go round with addiction. I have learned a good deal but only in the last year or so have I been able to apply and practice detaching and stick to it.
I will never give up on her and pray for her. It still hurts and I miss her.
I will never give up on her and pray for her. It still hurts and I miss her.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Daisy, as painful as it is, I think you are doing perfectly. Detaching is hard on the heart when we love an addict. It feels unnatural to withhold. Putting your focus on the grandkids is wise. I hope you have a delightful time in WDW!
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