Nowiamawas1026

I have been riding this roller coaster for a year and a half. For the first time, I feel strong in my resolve to not have this person in my life. I was so unhappy, for so long. But I kept going back. My friends have been fed up for months and I haven't really opened up to my family since I moved out of his place.

I have all of you to thank for this. Reading tons of your stories, seeing how blatantly obvious that he's still a raging addict, because he is the exact same, as every person you all have described. Finally admitting to myself that yes this person is an addict. And this isn't some acute illness- this is a lifelong battle.

For a while, I felt terrible... Who walks away from someone who was sick and needed help? I truly felt like a terrible person for this. But he doesn't want help. Not at all. He doesn't want to live his life free of the chains of addiction. Which again, was another huge realization I've had, thanks to all of you.

I'm no longer angry. Which is amazing. I'm no longer obsessing about what he is up to or doing or lying about. I feel awful for him. I do. I don't know what it's like to be dealing with what he is dealing with. His brain chemistry is messed up, and those receptors don't just dry up automatically. Which is another reason why I dealt with so much..thinking it was his brain getting it's self together. He truly had the actions, and behavior of an addict and not someone in recovery.

I also am exhausted being there for him, ALWAYS. When is it my turn? It will never be my turn. When he's actively using- it's about him, when he's sober (if he ever was) it's about him. Nope sorry, I want sometimes to be about me. Sorry if that's selfish...but I kinda want an even road here. If I give you 100% you should try to give me 100%

I also (and this makes me feel bad as well, I almost feel like I'm my strong enough to deal with this) don't want to be thinking, gee, he's different today (and maybe it's an off day, everyone has them) and then automatically attributing it to drug use. And honestly, if he was clean for years and years, I would always think that...I don't want to worry about someone, ALWAYS.

K sorry for the rant. I hope you guys don't think I'm a terrible person for this...

Thank you all for having the courage to share your stories. <3

Ann

It is amazing what clarity can do for us. After all the wishing and hoping and trying to control the outcome...in the end it just comes down to our own choices because we cannot control theirs.

You sound strong and ready to stand on your own. You're right, you ARE worth the effort and can and should be your first priority.

Wishing you many happy days ahead and wonderful new beginnings when the time is right.

Hugs

chicory

I don't think you are a terrible person. You sound like a smart person. You matter too, and I wish you the very best. We cannot fix them, but we can live our best life.. we owe that to ourselves and to those who love us.

Thank you for sharing with us,
hugs
chicory

katie44

No one thinks your a terrible person . It's only when we become as sick as the addict do we start to take control over our own lives . Admitting we are powerless is a huge step. Sounds like you are well on your way too recovery . You are taking back your life , you matter , you deserve too be happy , you deserve too have a happy productive life . ((( hugs ))))

CarmenLove

I do not think you are terrible either! Not by a long shot.

Why is it selfish to desire to have some time and attention spent on your sometimes? Everybody needs that imo.

Don't feel guilty, I think if more of us were more 'selfish' more often it would be a good thing.

I think you are smart and healthy for choosing not to enable him and to take charge of your own healing instead.

After all, it's really all we can do!

Strugglingwife7

I applaud you for your efforts! I wish I could be as brave. I'm still hanging on after a year and a half of going through this as well. Though my husband has been sober for a few months, that nagging feeling of when is he going to slip comes back into my brain. If I wait for him to slip, he probably will. I hope I can finally end this with my husband and make a life for myself that makes me happy. Because I agree, it should be about you sometimes!