birdbrain3983

It's really probably not a secret at all. After all, as soon as I look into his eyes, I can see it. The tiny pupils and dull look take over his playful hazel eyes. His usual laid back demeanor is replaced with a restlessness and anxiety I can't explain. The man I fell in love with 13 years ago, the father of my 3 gorgeous children, has a secret I spend my life trying to keep. But I can see it, so everyone else probably can too.

I spend a lot of nights, just like tonight. I lay awake and listen to him moan and choke on his breath. The restless legs and scratching hands. I cry and worry about how I'm going to pay the bills. How we are going to keep the business going. I want to scream at him. I want to punch him. I want him to tell me how it's more important to him than I am. Than the kids are. How can he keep putting us through this. How long can I keep hiding it? How long before my babies are like the kids you see on Intervention, begging to have their daddy back. When will I wake up to my nightmare of him not waking up.

Why do I do this? Why do i keep this secret? This secret eats my insides and rips me apart. Every fake smile to my friends. Everytime I tell my mom that everything is good. I'm screaming inside for someone to see it. To save me. To make me feel like I matter. That I am more important than the secret I'm keeping. How can he say he loves me and keep hurting me? After so long, how can he keep putting it first.

I hate keeping the secret. I hate the black pit it's created in me. I wish it would go away. Tonight I laid next to him and sobbed and begged him to please make it go Away. Make it stop. To give me my husband and my happiness and my life back.

I hate you secret.

MissUs2015

Find an alanon meeting. Tomorrow. Go

CarmenLove

Hi Birdbrain,

So sorry you are going through this. You are in the right place.

Not necessarily. Most outsiders probably don't notice and most people only see what they want to see.

But you know. And it sounds as though it's tearing you apart. That is what I would be more concerned about.

Yes. Unfortunately when someone has an addiction this is true. It IS more important to him! (sorry). It's not personal (although it totally feels it), it's his disease of addiction.

This was one of the hardest things for me to accept.

As long as you allow it to go on. He is an addict. Unless he gets help it will not stop. I'm sorry this is tough love, and it is the same realisation I had to come to. My husband is a heroin addict.

So the only question is how long will you keep allowing yourself to go through it?

Addiction affects the family too. You need support. This is very traumatic. I agree that finding an Al Anon meeting and maybe some counselling for you is essential. A lot of secrecy and denial always surrounds addiction.

I don't know specifically why you keep the secret. Why do you think it is?

At some point once you get some support you may find you are ready to tell someone.

Because he is an addict (opiates?).

I highly suggest that you read around these forums. Read all the other stories from us who have also been through it.

Educate yourself on addiction, codependency and enabling. Read about how addiction affects the family.

This is NOT your fault, however you are in the right place to get support, and you do have a choice about what you choose to do going forwards.

Sending you hugs.

birdbrain3983

I've been looking for one. The closest I had found was an hour away. And it's hard to get three hours out because of the kids. But I'm trying. I feel like I really need some support. Insight. Help. Any ideas on how to find meetings? Maybe I'm not looking in the right places? Thank you..

CarmenLove

I think SMART recovery offer online meetings for family and friends.

birdbrain3983

Sigh. Where to start. Yes, opiates. For about 5 years that we know of. His parents know. and I feel like his mother blames me for "letting him" have money. For not keeping our accounts bone dry. But how can I? But that's a whole other post.

I don't want anyone to know. It's like, with him having this problem, people will look at me poorly for letting it happen, letting my kids be here, for staying.

I can't leave. I have no where to go, no way to support the kids alone. I don't want to do it alone. I want him to want to clean up and get straight and do it with me.

I guess I sound like every other person in love with an addict.

I just dont know what to do anymore. The stress of it all is finally getting me

birdbrain3983

Wow online meetings? I'll have to look into it..

CarmenLove

I think there will be some others along soon with more experience of this. There are many who have been where you are, myself included (minus the kids).

It's not easy and I am sure people will have some good advice for you.

This is what I have to say - IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!

birdbrain3983

Thank you.

I'm just so tired of feeling alone.
So stupid. How does one feel alone in a houseful of people? With lots of friends and family? Oh, because they have no effing clue of whats going on. Ha.

I'm really grateful for here. For someone to listen. Who knows. Maybe can help me.

atalose

We're only as sick as the secrets we keep.

Keeping this secret has isolated you into an island that only you can find your way off of.

Posting here is a great start. If there are no al-alon meetings near you keep looking for online meetings, keep posting here, read as much as you can about addiction and codependency.

Nothing says that you must share your secret with the world but you do need support and constant reminders that:

You do not CAUSE him to use drugs.

You cannot CONTROL his drug usage.

You cannot CURE him of addiction.

Also try and read up on enabling, see where maybe that line is being crossed and what measures you can take to not enable.

When we want to know and do better in life we need to look to others with more experience, more knowledge not our equals. Your MIL is of the thinking that controlling money will make him stop using and that simply is not true so don't believe it.

Read the stickies they are very helpful and know that you may not like everything that is offered to you here And you may even think some suggestions are cold hearted and uncaring but soon you will come to understand hard truths you may not be quite ready to accept yet.

(((hugs)))

katie44

Atalose says it " we're only as sick as the secrets we keep " Welcome to SR , it's only when we reach out we begin to understand we're not alone . The loved ones of an addict become just as sick as the addict . You've made your first step . So many knowledgable , caring people on this site . We are powerless over there addiction however you are not powerless over your recovery . Find a local meeting Alanon or Naranon. You may be able to find a therapist that counsels families of addicts . Thoughts & prayers are with you .

Twofour

In new to and my addict is my son. I have found naranon has meetings on line as well. All I can say is read and educate. This has helped me

birdbrain3983

Thank you all for the support and thoughts. I've been reading posts and replies throughout the day. My little dude is having extensive dental work done tomorrow and I plan on reading more during my 3+ hours in the waiting room.

I'm trying to pinpoint something. The term "functioning addict". My AH thinks he's fine and not hurting anyone else since he gets up and works and comes home every night. And he doesn't "steal " money. He doesn't understand why I'm so upset. I'm not stupid for still being bothered by his behavior right? is this functioning thing really a thing? Is he just making himself feel better?

So many questions. I'm tired of hiding and being alone. Keeping his stupid secret and making it mine. (

katie44

A functioning addict is someone that is able to hide the excesses of there drug or alcohol use . Reality is his internal is falling apart . Addiction is a progressive disease, and will get worse . It makes it harder for them to admit they have a problem . He doesn't steal , he has a job all part of the denial. Truth is he's hurting you , himself & his family . Addicts have a way of making us think we're crazy , there very good manipulators . It's all part of the insanity .

chicory

Welcome, birdbrain3983.

I am so sorry for your pain. I would imagine that keeping his secret makes you realize that this will only continue. Nothing changes if nothing changes, as they say. Its so unfair for us to live miserably, so another can continue on, doing what is destroying the family, and their own self too.
As katie said, addiction is progressive. Addicts who appear to be managing things won't always be able to do so. It just gets worse with time.
I hope you find a meeting face to face , or a therapist, someone. Moving forward will give you strength.
You do not deserve this , nor should you have to keep the secret which keeps you stuck.

big hugs

birdbrain3983

Ugh I'm so glad to hear you say that. I literally feel crazy. He denies things so strongly. I go into a conversation knowing damn well he's messed up and come out of it questioning and almost feeling bad for accusing him. it's so weird to think of him as manipulative. It's so against his "real" person. I don't like this sick person...

birdbrain3983

Just call me Bird. my family does.

I know as long as I keep it, it does little to resolve the problem. I guess my ultimate (probably useless) hope, is that he would seek help and get clean before it got out. I don't know why, but there is so much stigma and shame attached. not just for him but for me too. I don't know why. For staying, I suppose. God knows it's not for knowingly encouraging it or helping Or doing it myself.

I am definitely going to try to find a meeting. And maybe going an hi our plus away will feel better. Strangers and not running into someone I may know...

So thankful to at least finally have "someone" to talk to.

CarmenLove

Hi Bird,

Yes yes the perceived shame is what keep so many people stuck, and I can relate to it. You don't want to make him look bad or have the family be judged, however it is not you doing this, it is him!

The secrecy feeds the addiction and isolates you.

You will find that as you reach out addiction is a lot more common than you think.

Naranon and Al Anon meetings are completely anonymous, so even if you do see someone there who knows you they would be there for the same reason i.e. they would understand and the members do not expose anyone or speak about it outside of meetings.

atalose

“Functioning addict”

There really is nothing very functional about addiction, fast or slow they are still headed downhill.

I often hear new comers use this term it’s almost like a part of denial that their loved one isn’t as bad as others they hear about. Another term you might here is: Terminal uniqueness: is the belief that the situation the individual is facing is unlike anything faced by other people.


Their loved still holds a job…………………….(for now)

Their loved one hasn’t gotten a DUI………………(for now)

Their loved one is very involved with the children…………(and high)

Finances are still good…………………..(for now)

If you had to board the Titanic today knowing the outcome……….what would you bring? Would you even step on board? How would you prepare yourself?

Now is the time for you to prepare yourself, emotionally, financially and physically because without him seeking help, it’s just a matter of time before the ship sinks.

hope213

bird, i am sorry for the pain u r going thru. please if u can not get to a meeting keep coming back here. there is alot to learn & things u can do. my prayers r with you.