Not sure where to start...so here goes

Old 04-24-2015, 10:42 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Prefer not to answer
Posts: 3
Not sure where to start...so here goes

My husband is currently attending private individual alcohol counseling in addition to marriage counseling with me. After two years of commenting on his drinking and telling him how desperate the situation with our marriage was/is...after making the appointment a year ago for marriage counseling where he was a no show....and more, I finally contacted a attorney just to get my options straight and my mind focused and I delivered an ultimatum to my husband at 6 am in the morning ( because he was sober at that time of the day)that I wanted to separate and attend counseling. He wasn't moved until I presented him with my plan for moving out- he just didn't think I would go- he thought he could just refuse to leave- I showed him apartment complex brochures with application fees and rents written on them where I had been looking to move- and THAT my friends is when he realized he was very close to losing a 25 year marriage where the first 20 years were great. He opened his own business, a restaurant and bar 5 years ago and that is the "Mr. Hyde" began making "appearances" on an ever increasing basis. He left for work that morning and came back an hour later and said... Ok, I'll go, please don't move out, I'll go. I said six months minimum counseling and if at any time he skipped appts or failed to attempt to listen to "our" counselor that I was perfectly ready to move out.

That was about a three weeks ago. So far "Mr. Hyde" has been under wraps, he still doesn't think he is an alcoholic but does agree that he may have a "problem." One step at a time I guess.

My 52 year old brother, who lives with my 80 year old mother, is (I think) in ESLD due to alcoholism- I believe the only thing that will save him is in- patient detox.

Any support, advice, questions, whatever are welcome about either situation. I do want to know how I can tell how close my brother is to the end of his life based on his symptoms. My moms an enabler so she will just make excuses. He, my brother, says he will go to detox....just not yet. Dude, not yet may be over.
Overwhelmed1 is offline  
Old 04-24-2015, 07:26 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
chicory's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Hi and welcome to SR, Overwhelmed1.

My experience with couples counselling, is that it takes time and lots of it, when communication isn't good in the first place. when they are in denial, its even harder. Your therapist would need good training in addiction counselling, I would think, in order to have a good grasp on what is actually going on with your hubby.

About your brother, I cannot say, but has he been to a doctor and discussed his situation? Its pretty much up to him, and if your Mother enables, he may not do much.. we just can't make them do anything. I would imagine your mom knows how ill he really is.

focus on yourself, would be my advice. find out what you want out of life. I hope the counselling helps. Will he go to AA, also? He is probably going to need more than just marriage counselling.
good luck to you and keep posting. I hope someone else with experience with an A spouse will come along and share with you.
take care!
chicory is offline  
Old 04-28-2015, 08:16 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Prefer not to answer
Posts: 3
Question Yes to specialized counseling.

Thank you for reading and responding! To answer concerning counseling - the counselor my husbands sees (and so do I) independently is a licensed alcohol dependence /addiction counselor and a family/marriage counselor. The attorney I went to talk with prior to the "I'm moving out" speech referred him and told me she refers him for this all the time. My husband even likes him!

We have also brought one of our three sons into the counseling and are hoping to "encourage him" to continue to be counseled individually as well. My son, 35 years old, lives with us about 3 to 4 days a week. This is a relatively new living arrangement because prior to March of 2012 my son my son lived with his father. My son, who has been diabetic since the age of seven, went to the ER and was told he was in End Stage Renal Failure due to diabetes. My son also went completely blind within three months of his ER visit. He was on dialysis 3x week for about a year and a half and in sept of 2014 received a pancreas/kidney transplant.

He and my husband are having issues because my husband doesn't think my son is "progressing" quickly enough to become independent "again". I say "again" because my son has NEVER been independent - he had always lived with his dad prior to the life altering health changes my son has been through. My husband is the kind of person who makes snide comments or digs about people and things and with my son it doesn't matter what it is- my husband digs because he has no respect for my son - my son has NEVER held down a job or been held responsible for getting his bills pad because his father is always right three to bail him out. I won't play that game.

However, since the life altering changes in his life I have had to be the responsible one (and my husband has helped) to make sure he gets to the doctor, hospital, medication, etc. I DO NOT pay for these services, my son had enough SS credits to qualify him for a small monthly check. He will never be able to live independently and support himself on $547 a month. In the last few years my son has learned to navigate the world as a blind man, calls in, organizes (by feel) his medications, takes his meds without our help, pays his own phone bill, buys his own clothing, purchases any special food items he likes( I buy groceries), goes out with friends, takes me out to eat, and does his own laundry. However, he is not doing things fast enough to suit my husband who is a workaholic. My husband tells me and the doctor that he is concerned about where My son will be when we are gone....however, I have had this talk with my son. I have expressed all the responsible things he needs to do and learn to do, I have pushed, I have made him speak with vocational specialists etc...but frankly, you can't change a lifetime of "daddy coming to the rescue" in two years. I have told my husband AND my counselor, that while I will continue to try to make progress with my son in this area, that I am confident I have done all I can do (cause you can take a horse to water.....,) and that if I were to do die tomorrow I would not go thinking " what about my son."

My husband says just the opposite- we should push and push and push.. I, frankly just think he is using this pushing as a way to push my son away so that he is not taking up my time. I provide my son with a room, food, transportation and my presence and/or advice. I am the one who taught him to do all the things he can now do independently, and my husband only has to deal with him a few days a week for a few hours because my husband is almost always at work or asleep ( perhaps passed out) so I don't get it..
Overwhelmed1 is offline  
Old 04-28-2015, 11:00 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 104
My husband says just the opposite- we should push and push and push.. I, frankly just think he is using this pushing as a way to push my son away so that he is not taking up my time.
Your SO sounds like he resents your child living with you and is worried that it could be forever. From what you've said, it sounds like you're also disturbed about the latter. Short-term, he does need help from you, but all three of you might benefit from agreeing what "short-term" is and from your son becoming engaged in developing his own long-term life plan.

Whether your husband chooses to drink or not is ultimately his part, but working on the family is everyone's part. It's good that you're working this out with an expert both in family and addictions therapy.
MissUs2015 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:35 PM.