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He's in jail now.. Help!

Old 04-22-2015, 11:19 PM
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He's in jail now.. Help!

I haven't been on here for awhile, but since I last was on I've completely detached myself from my now Ex drug addict boyfriend. When I thought things couldn't get worst they have. I kicked him out of my house about 2 months ago, but have cut all communication in the last month bc he started hanging out with sketchy people and hanging out with a girl that has threatened me and broken my mailbox and later vandalizing my house to the point that I was too scared to stay there. This has been the hardest months of my life, but as much as I'm hurt, I still love him and it just breaks my heart that he is in such a horrible place. Ever since he got into meth it has turned his life upside down. I have finally detached myself and I have surrendered to his addictions and I'm now leaving it up to God. I can't let it break me anymore and ruin my life too. Today, I got the call and he was arrested and in jail for possession and sales. No one is bailing him out in hopes that this will be his wake up call. This has been so awful and a horrible nightmare to live. I miss the man that was my best friend and partner in life. I know him Going to jail might be a good thing, but it still hurts to know that this is the reality of what is going on. I Just hope that he can get his life together and realize the destruction his addiction has caused his life and mine. I feel severely victimized by his addictions n I feel like I don't even know who he is anymore.
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Old 04-23-2015, 12:35 AM
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I am so sorry. Meth is such a different animal when it comes to drugs of abuse. It robs people of so much.

I hope that your Ex ABF can find his way again. Please take care of you-just because it's him in jail does not mean that you aren't going to hurt.

Prayers for you.
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Old 04-23-2015, 12:38 AM
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hopenlove15,

It is very, VERY difficult (what you are going through). There is not a person
on these boards that cannot empathize.

You were severely victimized, but it appears you have enough center to
recognize the truth and the neccessity of protecting yourself.

Sometimes......perhaps most times, the eyes reading these boards think......
what can these strangers do for me? These disembodied voices? They can't help
me with rent or anything tangible......

The most powerful thing in the world is an idea. The material world seldom
(if ever!) holds back a spirit that has decided on a course of action.

As far as not knowing who he is anymore, I think that could be a very
accurate assessment. Everything we knew about the person is gone. The shell
is recognizeable but it is much like a long ago molted large insect--- an exoskeleton
that LOOKS like who we used to know, but all that is inside is a being bent on
trading on that recognition for resources.

The last time I ever saw the addict I cared about, she was summoned from
the rear of a dope house-----the look on her face was pure relief ("Thank God this
sucker still believes my lies and comes to bring me money")

Was I found so unutterably sad was the truth that (from day 1) I had never
truly entertained the idea of believing a single one.

They are the ones who are in freefall, it is they and they alone who must
decide if their life is worth reaching for the ripcord.

Again, we understand and empathize (deeply) with how much this hurts.
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Old 04-23-2015, 01:11 PM
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I'm having a really hard day. Of coarse, they lowered the charges and let him go. His family let him back in the house bc he told them he was scared and didnt want to do this anymore. Im sure he will convince them that he doesnt need treatment. I'm so hurt. How can somebody do this to their life and to everyone that loves them? I was so good to him. He betrayed me in every aspect and has taken me victim of his disease. He put me in danger, he lied, he cheated, he manipulated, he abandoned me. On top of all of the personal digs he has done to me he still continues to kill himself for these disgusting drugs. Before all of this he was the swetest loving guy you could ever meet. Im so broken. Im sitting at work and I cant stop crying. I dont think i could ever speak to him again. Hes never even said sorry for hurting me. He promised he would neber do this and he always said that he loved me more than anything. Its so awful. I wouldnt wish this upon anyone. This will forever hurt me.
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Old 04-23-2015, 01:13 PM
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I am so sorry. It's horrible to watch someone you care about wreck their own lives.

Tight hugs to you....
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Old 04-23-2015, 01:20 PM
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Originally Posted by hopenlove15 View Post
I haven't been on here for awhile, but since I last was on I've completely detached myself from my now Ex drug addict boyfriend. When I thought things couldn't get worst they have. I kicked him out of my house about 2 months ago, but have cut all communication in the last month bc he started hanging out with sketchy people and hanging out with a girl that has threatened me and broken my mailbox and later vandalizing my house to the point that I was too scared to stay there. This has been the hardest months of my life, but as much as I'm hurt, I still love him and it just breaks my heart that he is in such a horrible place. Ever since he got into meth it has turned his life upside down. I have finally detached myself and I have surrendered to his addictions and I'm now leaving it up to God. I can't let it break me anymore and ruin my life too. Today, I got the call and he was arrested and in jail for possession and sales. No one is bailing him out in hopes that this will be his wake up call. This has been so awful and a horrible nightmare to live. I miss the man that was my best friend and partner in life. I know him Going to jail might be a good thing, but it still hurts to know that this is the reality of what is going on. I Just hope that he can get his life together and realize the destruction his addiction has caused his life and mine. I feel severely victimized by his addictions n I feel like I don't even know who he is anymore.
Well, you can choose not to be victimized.

I get it. You're hurt, and you still love him. But being someone's victim is ultimately a choice. And by stepping back and detaching, you're slowly taking your power back.

Just keep doing the right things, and before you know it, you won't feel like his victim anymore. Trust me on this.
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Old 04-23-2015, 02:20 PM
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I am dettached, but everything still hurts me. I cut off all communication a month ago, but he still talk to mutual friends of ours. We were together for a long time so this isnt easy. Clearly. He acts like losing me didnt affect him in any way, and thats the hardest pill to swallow.
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Old 04-23-2015, 02:43 PM
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Originally Posted by hopenlove15 View Post
I was so good to him. He betrayed me in every aspect and has taken me victim of his disease. He put me in danger, he lied, he cheated, he manipulated, he abandoned me. On top of all of the personal digs he has done to me he still continues to kill himself for these disgusting drugs. Hes never even said sorry for hurting me.
This will forever hurt me.
First off this is only going to hurt you forever if you allow it and ya don't have to let that happen.
Of course he hasn't said I'm sorry. Do you have expectations there?
ok, who allowed you to be taken victim of his disease? Who allowed you to be out in danger,lied to,cheated on,manipulated, and abandoned? We're there chains around your ankles?
Yup, that there may read pretty harsh, but the sooner ya get into the solution the sooner the problems go away and one of the things your gonna have to do is accept accountability for your actions then and responsibility for your actions, healing, and recovery today.
And the sooner ya get kikin on that the sooner youll stop feeling its gonna hurt ya forever.
Bt if ya don't start working on you .....Welp, ya just may find yourself in another relationship just like this one or worse down the road.

Accepting accountability for my past actions was a blessing for me.
Gave me a little more freedom and peace.
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Old 04-23-2015, 03:48 PM
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Originally Posted by hopenlove15 View Post
I am dettached, but everything still hurts me. I cut off all communication a month ago, but he still talk to mutual friends of ours. We were together for a long time so this isnt easy. Clearly. He acts like losing me didnt affect him in any way, and thats the hardest pill to swallow.
He acts that way because he's numbing himself to the point where he doesn't feel a thing.

If you took the drugs away from him, his emotions on a scale from 1 to 10, would be on 15. And he doesn't want to be on 15. He wants to be on 0.
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Old 04-23-2015, 04:00 PM
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i can feel your pain. he is not the person u fell in love with. u r doing the right thing by not bailing him out of jail. he would leave u just to go get high & he would not come back. give him time. let him go to court & then maybe he will get rehab. i do not know his history. u take care of u & stay with us. this site will teach u alot about the addict & how they work. prayers for you going up.
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Old 04-23-2015, 04:03 PM
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Hi Hopenlove!

I'm a really down to earth person and say things as I see it or from what I read on the Threads! So please don't take anything personally or offensive!

Now! No you're not going to hurt forever! Sure you feel this way right now because you are in the middle of it!

Whenever we addicts are using? We have traded our love for the DOC instead of loving the person we are with! Our DOC is a feeling like no other, but it's the kind of love that eventaully can destroy us too! And we do things to get our DOC that would never have been done if we weren't addicts! (My DOC is the pain meds - Hydro' 10MG's!) I'm now clean 9 months 289 days off them - AGAIN! I've always ended up back on them for medical reasons though!

I recently watched a series of shows called: "The Wire"! It really opened my eyes to the underground world of drugs! It was also during a time a new member was posting here that was a meth user! I really felt for this person which is now at least five months clean!

You my Dear became a victim of his using! He stopped loving you and fell in love with his drugs! You can't produce or show enough love to out do his drugs! HE has to realize the drugs aren't in love with HIM! Even though the drugs have him in a grip so tight now he can't see past them.

My mom had a hard time understanding why I couldn't just stop taking the pain meds! I asked her one day: "Mom? Why don't you stop drinking coffee for a week? She about freaked out!" I said: "Well mom! There ya go! That's addiction!" Now she understands addiction!

Your BF had a reason for starting his using! Do you know what that reason is? Mine was medical reasons! But Man did I feel way better in the beginnings of my use. And then it turned into taking them to keep from withdrawing off the opiates. Each time I've been on them they turned me into someone I don't like being! I have a persistence in myself that helps me to stay clean! Others aren't as fortunate!

I sincerely hope you tell yourself you had nothing to do with his using and are doing things to heal from this period in your life?

TOD
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Old 04-25-2015, 09:27 AM
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I'd say no one is under any obligation to bail this addict out.

Unconditional loyalty works two ways. The addict tends not to be loyal to friends & family when they lie, cheat or steal from them. Or when their habits affect them. Where is their loyalty to others then?

And yes maybe time in jail with no one bailing them out might make them think they will have to depend on themselves, not others or their drugs of choice.
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Old 04-25-2015, 10:52 AM
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Originally Posted by zoso77 View Post
He acts that way because he's numbing himself to the point where he doesn't feel a thing.

If you took the drugs away from him, his emotions on a scale from 1 to 10, would be on 15. And he doesn't want to be on 15. He wants to be on 0.
This right here is everything. Even when you're deep in your addiction you have moments of clarity. You want to stop but then you look at your life and what you've done and well...it's just easier to keep using because poor you is the only person whose ever dealt with pain and people just don't understand how hard it is for you to be straight. And not being at a 15 is more important than anyone or anything else.

If I were you I would cut off contact with friends who know him or just ask these friends of yours not to tell you about him. I don't understand why they're even telling you about it when it's clearly hurting you...

The thing is you made the right choice leaving him. Staying with him would only bring more pain, worse pain, and obviously it was putting you in an unsafe situation.

Not you're in a place where you can begin to heal. And I know that probably feels impossible. I know what it's like to hurts so badly you can literally barely breath or find the energy to do something simple like take a shower or eat a meal...but that pain lessens. As it does your head will clear and you will see that you are in NO WAY to blame for ANY of this, there was nothing you could have done. It's hard to see that now but an addict will choose the drug over anyone or anything every time. And believe me, you don't want to be a part of that.
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Old 04-25-2015, 11:17 AM
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Originally Posted by hopenlove15 View Post
I haven't been on here for awhile, but since I last was on I've completely detached myself from my now Ex drug addict boyfriend. When I thought things couldn't get worst they have. I kicked him out of my house about 2 months ago, but have cut all communication in the last month bc he started hanging out with sketchy people and hanging out with a girl that has threatened me and broken my mailbox and later vandalizing my house to the point that I was too scared to stay there. This has been the hardest months of my life, but as much as I'm hurt, I still love him and it just breaks my heart that he is in such a horrible place. Ever since he got into meth it has turned his life upside down. I have finally detached myself and I have surrendered to his addictions and I'm now leaving it up to God. I can't let it break me anymore and ruin my life too. Today, I got the call and he was arrested and in jail for possession and sales. No one is bailing him out in hopes that this will be his wake up call. This has been so awful and a horrible nightmare to live. I miss the man that was my best friend and partner in life. I know him Going to jail might be a good thing, but it still hurts to know that this is the reality of what is going on. I Just hope that he can get his life together and realize the destruction his addiction has caused his life and mine. I feel severely victimized by his addictions n I feel like I don't even know who he is anymore.
All the above - yes I can relate. It's how I feel too.

However I am coming to realise I am only his victim as long as I allow myself to be.

Sorry you are going through this.
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Old 04-25-2015, 11:19 AM
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Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
First off this is only going to hurt you forever if you allow it and ya don't have to let that happen.
Of course he hasn't said I'm sorry. Do you have expectations there?
ok, who allowed you to be taken victim of his disease? Who allowed you to be out in danger,lied to,cheated on,manipulated, and abandoned? We're there chains around your ankles?
Yup, that there may read pretty harsh, but the sooner ya get into the solution the sooner the problems go away and one of the things your gonna have to do is accept accountability for your actions then and responsibility for your actions, healing, and recovery today.
And the sooner ya get kikin on that the sooner youll stop feeling its gonna hurt ya forever.
Bt if ya don't start working on you .....Welp, ya just may find yourself in another relationship just like this one or worse down the road.

Accepting accountability for my past actions was a blessing for me.
Gave me a little more freedom and peace.
Yes, this is what I have been coming to today. It's a hard pill to swallow, so to speak.

I am SO angry right now. However no-one dragged me. And if I look back there WERE signs, red flags - I just chose not to see or give them enough heed.

When you are close to addiction it can do strange things to your mind and make it hard to see clearly (I am speaking about the families of the addicts here) and so it can be hard to break out of... however ultimately we have to all take responsibility for ourselves, after all isn't that what we wish the addict would do?
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Old 04-25-2015, 11:21 AM
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Originally Posted by hopenlove15 View Post
I am dettached, but everything still hurts me. I cut off all communication a month ago, but he still talk to mutual friends of ours. We were together for a long time so this isnt easy. Clearly. He acts like losing me didnt affect him in any way, and thats the hardest pill to swallow.
Yes again. The same.
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Old 04-25-2015, 11:30 AM
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Originally Posted by FenwayFaithful View Post
I know what it's like to hurts so badly you can literally barely breath or find the energy to do something simple like take a shower or eat a meal...but that pain lessens. As it does your head will clear and you will see that you are in NO WAY to blame for ANY of this, there was nothing you could have done. It's hard to see that now but an addict will choose the drug over anyone or anything every time. And believe me, you don't want to be a part of that.
This made me cry.

Thank you though. This advice is gold and hits the spot for me too. I keep thinking I am to blame, although logically of course I know I am not.
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