danadanes

My rah is about 60 days sober. 35 days inpatient and now is in a sober living house.

Yesterday we had a great day going to a local festival with the kids, enjoying dinner, and watching game of thrones before he went back to the sober living house. We scheduled the last hour after the kids were in bed to talk about everything that had happened. I told him a few days ago that he had kept me in the dark about his spiral into addiction and that I needed to know what I was letting go of before I could "let it go." This talk was supposed to begin addressing those truths.

> Neither of us really knew where to start and so he brought out his notebook or journal from rehab. He decided to start by reading me his account of waking up in detox and the first day, and then we would work backwards.

You guys,The story was ********. Maybe the general feeling was true but the details were ones that I knew were false.for example, he included a description of this ironic T-shirt he was supposedly wearing that had a funny meaning in this circumstance. The shirt slogan was a recurring part of the story and included him throwing it away. He wasn't wearing the shirt. It is in the dresser drawer 15 feet from where we were sitting. He described certain attributes of a particular nurse, when in prior conversations he had told me he had no recollection of any of the staff whatsoever.

After he finished reading me this realistic fiction I was so angry. I wanted honesty from him which I've never gotten and this is what he hands me. For our entire marriage the lies have been the thing that kills my soul. Big lies little lies pathological lies. Lies about the big stuff, lies about the little things. I was stupid enough to believe he was actually changing. <br /> When I called him on these lies, he actually defended himself. The old habits of gaslighting me really triggered me. He had the nerve to say they were not lies just "embellishments"!

This was in his journal! If you can't be honest with himself and has to add "embellishments" to make the story funnier or better or more entertaining or whatever, he'll never be honest with me.

It seems like such a little thing but it feels huge to me. After I wasn't excepting the embellishments comment as acceptable, he started spouting AA slogans at me. "I'm a work in progress", "I'm being honest and if you don't believe me there's nothing I can do I'm staying on my side of the street". Told me I was messing with HIS head.

> Y'all what do I do with this? Help!

chicory

Hi danadanes.
Oh, I do feel for you. In my experience, someone who habitually lies just never seems to change. It must be a personality disorder in itself.
I was thinking that maybe he likes to be dramatic, creative storyteller, or entertainer...doesn't make for honest communication though.

I don't know what you can do with someone who just has to lie. I was married to someone like that.. who lied if the truth would help him. It made me crazy. Detaching was the only thing that helped me.. through divorce.



I hope things get better, somehow.

chicory

Hope7726

The constant lies are so baffling, frustrating, and infuriating. I always thought my AXBF must at least know in his own mind that he is lying, even though he's not willing to admit it. But then I found this piece of paper that he had jotted some thoughts on, regarding some things I told him that my therapist said. They were points that he wanted to make in defense of himself. They were lies! And delusions! That's when I truly understood how sick he was.

You can either stay with him and accept the fact that you will never trust him again, or you can leave, and also accept the fact that you will never trust him again. That's the way I see it.

I'm sorry. The lies are so damaging. When you are lied to that much, there is no way of knowing what is and was ever the truth. I really learned how critical honesty and trust are in a relationship.

Impurrfect

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can only share my experience. FWIW, I'm both an RA and someone who has many loved ones who are still active addicts/alcoholics.

I was with my third XABF (slow learner) when I chose recovery. He had talked the talk, but never walked the walk.

What I soon realized was that if he was breathing, he was lying. It didn't matter how much time he had in recovery (he never found it, died from the addiction we shared), I would never trust him.

I never doubted his love for me, though it was often "the best he can do", but I never trusted him.

I think there comes a time when we realize that love won't fix it, we can't undo what we know and we know trust is a big thing.

When I first got into recovery, I busted my butt to regain trust and it took time. If someone isn't willing to do that, then I've had to let them go. Yes, it hurts, but it would hurt so much more if the relationship were to continue.

Please keep reading and posting, as so many people here have been through the same. For me, at least, it really helped me know that I wasn't alone and you aren't either.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

allmirages

Please don't take any of it personally. I know it is hard, but it's not you. We understand where you are coming from and can relate. I know for me, the constant lies, alone, are reason enough for me to know I could never trust my ex and there would never be a future. I'm sending big hugs to you. Stay strong! We are here for you. I am so sorry for your pain and frustration. And, really think about YOU. Make yourself a priority. I think sometimes we focus so much on the addict, getting them help or supporting them, then worrying about doing things right/wrong when in recovery, wondering what to expect, then do we expect too much, too little, etc. Make it about YOU now. What will make YOU happy? How do you want to live the rest of your life?

GracieLou

I remember once when I called him on lies he said they were not lies, they were the truth but they just didn’t happen at that time. He said had taken situations from other times in the past and mixed them in but “they did happen” so they were not really a lie.

I just stood there with a stupid look on my face.

Complete terminal uniqueness. It was like justification just sored to new heights!

atalose

We often blame all of their character defects on the booze/drugs but once they are clean/sober many of the unacceptable traits remain.

Usually we were lied to, manipulated, gas lighted long before the over presents of alcohol/drugs entered the picture.

allmirages

Amen!!!!!!! Unfortunately, very true. And sometimes they are even more apparent sober. Or maybe it's just we've been through so much that we have little tolerance for the behavior since we expect it to end when they are sober.

By the way - I love your posts, always concise and to the point. I don't like that my posts are generally long....I gotta work on that

Refiner

UGH! Liars (or "embellishers" LMAO) are a deal-breaker, to me. No, they don't change. EVER. They may fake it for awhile, but I do believe liars have a specific disorder in and of itself. Good luck with what you choose to do.

CarmenLove

Oh lord!

mnh1982

It's never going to end. Get out.