immri

Hi all, im not sure if this is the right place for this post since i'm an alcoholic too, but i think you guys might have a good perspective on dealing with other addicts..

i'm an alcoholic 3 weeks sober after a brief relapse, before that i had a few months sober. my now ex-partner is a pill addict, and we broke up after 5 years together when i got sober the first time. very tumultuous relationship, and we were still on again off again after that and the stress of this relationship is part of what led to my relapse. so i know i absolutely can not be with him anymore, but we are still in contact and he is making things so hard. i was really gross and selfish as a drunk, but i wasn't purposefully mean or aggressive in the way he is and i find it hard to understand.

he's extremely manipulative, paranoid and a bit controlling when he's using, and although we've just been in contact via phone lately i'm 90% sure he's using again after telling me he stopped

i don't want to be with him anymore, it's just not working on any level, but i had this (probably naive) idea that we could remain friends and i'd be able to offer support in his recovery too.
i now see how crazy that is, to be taking responsibility for someone else's recovery when i'm less than a month sober myself, but every time he mentions how unhappy he is or how guilty he feels or that his life isn't worth living, i rush in and try to fix everything.
its been like this our entire relationship and it was at the time i started seeing him that my drinking began to get out of control

despite knowing how unhealthy it is to have him in my life, i can't seem to cut contact and even now i'm paralysed in anticipation of the mean phone call i know is probably coming

thanks for giving me a place to get this off my chest, its all so frustrating and exhausting

CarmenLove

Hello immri,

It sounds from your post that you are prioritising your recovery and know that at the moment being in a relationship with him is not helping either of you.

Welcome to the other side! :-) Yes it can feel very frustrating.

For me I know that I also have some serious codependence issues to work through.

I think that if you do desire to save or fix him, it cannot be done. As you know the decision would have to come from within him. However you could demonstrate what a healthy recovery and subsequent happy, sober life looks like by doing it yourself and focusing on your recovery.

I think that the most powerful way to lead is by example.

Then he has a choice whether he desires the same.

However you can do this from a distance. You do not have to try to pull him along if he's not ready to come.

Put on your own oxygen mask first as they say.

And I am learning that while it feels less interesting somehow to focus on my own recovery instead of trying to fix someone else, it's absolutely where it's at.

Congratulations on your newly found sobriety!

What do you have in your new sober life that you enjoy doing for yourself? That can help you keep the focus off him.

Warm welcome.

Lily1918

Wow I can relate to this one!

XAH#1 and I have two kids, so there is always conflict and contact between us. It is so stressful. I wish he would fall off of the face of the planet sometimes. I am also in recovery. My ex is a trigger for me as well. I have to tell myself all the time "not my circus, not my monkeys"

My drinking and substance abuse began when I met him, and it took me 7 years to get out.

Just yesterday he tested something mean and instead of ignoring it I fell into playing the game and texted back. It stole all of my peace for the entire afternoon and evening.

It might be best for you to call your phone company and block his number from there. That way his attempts at contact don't even reach your phone. I know it's hard to do. I've been there. Hugs

immri

Thanks so much for your replies guys, in a bit of a low place atm but really appreciate the support and that someone out there relates

CarmenLove

Sending hugs immri,

Things WILL get better, regardless of what X does.

immri

so i thought this had been resolved a bit so i haven't posted again, but today there's been more unexpected drama that really shook me up - i don't really want to start a new thread so il just post here again, hugs to anyone reading i appreciate it

ex has been seriously depressed and suicidal apparently, and i of course make this my problem and my responsibility. i now know for sure he's using again and is paranoid and quite mean with what he says. we had a chat, haven't spoken since i last posted and thought i'd handle it a bit better but it just really shook me up to hear how badly he's doing and feel as though i'm responsible.
he wants to get back together too, which doesn't help with all the confusion i feel (i still love him despite everything)

i'm not really sure of the point of any of this, but i needed to tell someone and the people in my life are well and truly tired of hearing about it

FeelingGreat

Hi immri, you don't seem to be able to stand up to him when you guys actually talk, so I strongly suggest you block his number. You need the peace, and just seem to lack strength when he pushes your buttons. You have to stay resolute on this, especially because you still love him. Friendship only works when both parties have detached.
If he directly threatens suicide, don't buy in, call 000 and report it. You are the last person to assess whether he's serious, and because of your past relationship, you won't be able to help him in any way.
His situation won't improve while he's actively using, and for that reason you have to become unavailable to him.
If you feel objections to what I'm posting, why not list them and get some insight into your thinking?

immri

I agree I somehow have no ability to stand up to him at all. Whenever I do he turns it into how he's the victim and I'm horrible.
He doesn't directly threaten suicide to me anymore, just tells our friends (who tell me) and today said he had been in the last few weeks but no he doesn't threaten it in that way anymore, so no emergency calls to make, but yes if he did say that I'd call someone because I'm in no position to help someone with that. And by saying I love him, I do mean that, but I absolutely don't ever want to be back together with him, I just still care very much
It's also very difficult because we work in the same field and bump into each other quite often. in all honesty I'm a little scared that cutting contact in the way of a blocked number would make everything worse for him as well as myself, I just want it to be over but remain friends(well, even that's pushing it far for me, but civil at least) I do 100% think I'm delusional for believing that could ever happen though, it's now very clear that won't be the case
Actually he barely even makes sense when he's using so I do see that stopping contact would be best, it's just easier said than done I guess, I don't know

FeelingGreat

Yeah you do.
Face to face contact in the course of your work is controllable (possibly, but can't be avoided), but letting him suck a little more life out of you any time he feels like it is something you can control.
He's an adult, he's making choices that threaten your sobriety and psychological well-being, and you have the right to protect yourself.
If you do decide to go NC, ask your mutual friends not to pass on any news about him. Explain why; I'm sure they'll understand.
If you're worried about hurting his feelings, you could text him that you think NC is best for both of you, but you wish him well and hope he'll get clean again.

Hawkeye13

If he threatens suicide, call 911
If he means it, he needs professional help which you cannot give.

If he doesn't mean it, dealing with officials will very likely get him to stop threatening you.
Tell your friends who he is reporting this to to stop telling you about it no matter what.

You need to protect your sobriety number one--this is me speaking as a former alcoholic myself--and he is draining your emotional energy when you need it for you.

Second thing is to go no contact even if that means changing your number.
When you see him professionally, be polite but distant and don't be alone but stay with others.

His recovery is his job, and yours is your job. Focus on that and lead by example.
You cannot help him if he won't help himself.