Yogagurl

I have been separated from my husband for over 6 months now. I have been no contact with him since February - have not seen him, spoken to him, seen his friends, seen his family, nothing. I have completely separated myself from anyone who may be associated with him and I don't ask, don't call, don't pry. I do, however, still care. I don't let myself trail back into thoughts of the past, the might have beens, good times, or the train wreck I left behind me. I don't do that. When I do, I pray and I cry and I cry and I feel so many very different things within me. It's like a hurricane of hurt, regret, pain, joy, sadness, remorse, sympathy, and there's an ache I can feel deep within the core of my being that doubles me over to think he's so lost and so far gone. Will it ever ******* go away????????

zoso77

Honestly, I don't know it will fully go away.

I have wounds I've been nursing for 5 years, YG. Wounds that go back to before I had the misfortune of crossing paths with my AXGF. And those wounds are lightly scabbed over, at best. At worst, something triggers me and those wounds start bleeding again. It sucks.

That being said, it hasn't stopped me from going forward. I've rebounded academically, professionally, and emotionally from a lot of trauma. I'm fortunate to have a lot of people in my life that care about me. In other words, YG, I've adapted.

In your case, 6 months is not a long time. I do not believe it's realistic to expect yourself to heal from a separation that quickly. When a marriage ends, it's traumatic. When it ends for reasons related to substance abuse, what's already difficult becomes even more so.

So, just be kind to yourself and be patient. It is what it is, and I think what you've described above --

-- is normal. Just do one foot in front of the other. You're going to be OK.

AnvilheadII

hurt, regret, pain, joy, sadness, remorse, sympathy

those are the "symptoms" of a fully actualized human being. do not wish them away. you CARE deeply for another life....that is not a bad thing.

CarmenLove

Hi Yogagurl,

Hugs to you.

I just literally ordered the book 'Break Your Addiction To A Person' on a recommendation I saw here on this forum from one of the posters.

I also like 'The Work' from Byron Katie and anything by Marianne Williamson helps me feel calmer. These are the resources that help me so far.

I think perhaps we all have our stuff to feel and work through, sometimes perhaps years of it to heal (not that it has to take years, just that it might be years worth of 'stuff' you are dealing with) and we are all on our own timelines.

What do you do regularly that makes you feel good / excited / topped up?

Jorgenss

I think it's impossible to not care. I'm trying not to put a time-frame on my healing. Sounds like you are doing great self-care. Hugs to you!

Somber2Sober

Dear Yogagurl - THIS takes a lot of courage to do! I'm so glad for your being able to separate yourself from sources of potential drama. Of course you still care. You will always care to some extent - as long as you care from the distance that you need.

Yes!

Sometimes we gotta let our feelings out. It can get one really sick with all 'em feelings bottled up inside... While feeling our feelings feels like a curse at times, it is really a blessing. I think it is wonderful that you are able to feel your feelings, to recognize and name some of them. We can't overcome something without knowing what it is. Here you've taken that first step!


Maybe, maybe not. In the moment this might feel like it will never end, but I don't know anything that lasts forever. Dealing with this stuff is hard, if not impossible, to do on our own. I personally cannot deal with the stuff in my life alone; I need lots and lots of support. I hope you get as much support as you need to be able to cope and heal.

hope213

i will get better with time. keep praying for him & yourself. time will take care of the hurt u feel my heart goes out to you.

Yogagurl

Thanks for the replies. Some days are easier than others. Some days, I don't even think about my AH - I go the whole day and he doesn't even cross my mind. Then, some days, out of no where, it's like a tsunami hits me and the grief is unreal. I can't really even describe it except that it's painful and I miss him. I have no one to tell that I miss him. I can't tell him the things I wish I could say because he's such a liar and manipulator - I don't know when to believe he is sincere or if he is capable of being sincere. And that hurts too. Knowing I gave so much of my spirit and my heart and soul to someone I can't trust at all. I'm just trying to pick up all my broken pieces and mend them back together and get cut sometimes doing so.

Yogagurl

Thank you. It has gotten better with time I've noticed. Thanks so much for the support and condolences. It really helps. Really.

Aggie812

I still cry from time to time over my ex husband of 10 years. The pain will never go away. Even after meeting my boyfriend of nine years, (now ex-read my story), I'd still cry over my ex husband and now I am crying over the ex! The pain and all over emotions never go away. They will stay as long as you are on this earth. It is ok to feel sadness at times . Let yourself FEEL, cry if you have to, scream if you have to, throw a few things if you have to (lol), etc, but then compose yourself and go with your everyday life. If you keep everything bottled up, over time, that will be a recipe for disaster.

Yogagurl

Aggie812 - thanks for that. Thanks for sharing. I have been seeing another man, and I feel guilty for even thinking about my ex husband sometimes. It's not that I have some bent up fantasy that I will even reunite with my ex husband but there is so much pain associated with the memories of us and how I had all these dreams and how I supported him for so long. I can't shake it! No matter how hard I try, I think about him.

FenwayFaithful

You seem to have a lot of courage, a lot of strength and an astonishing/unparalleled level of willpower. So may struggle to do the things they know are right for them, and you have done them all. You have taken all the steps that need to be taken and all in 6 months. It's a huge accomplishment, not one you should denounce as if it doesn't mean anything, because you should be really proud of the progress you've made.
Sorry I don't have much to offer by the way of advice but I will say that you couldn't have begun to heal if you hadn't have taken the steps you have.

Yogagurl

That's one of the nicest and uplifting things anyone has said to me. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for your reponse.

story74

I'm not sure it will ever go away. This experience will be with you forever in some way.

This month will be my 4 year mark since my life exploded. I cried a lot the first year. How are you dealing with this? Yoga? Therapy? There has to be a way for you to release emotions and/or understand your emotions to heal. It happens slowly. For me, everytime he disappointed me, I let go a little more. Just about a month ago something just happened. I had to stand up to him, and it felt good. I let go a little more, and it seems that there just isn't much left to let go of anymore. I can honestly say I don't love him anymore. Saying that breaks my heart and makes me sad...in fact, I probably have a little more to let go of. I am just (within the past couple months) starting to think about dating someone. Although, it would have to be someone pretty amazing for me to even give the time to. Lately when I start thinking about him I try to change the topic. He just isn't worth the energy. The hardest part is we do have a child together, so I do have to deal with him. But, I am kinda getting to the point I don't care how he thinks or feels. He can get mad and throw a tantrum...I don't care. A perfect example is we had some visitation changes this weekend. It was short notice on my part. Of course, he never responded to my email (even though I later figured he got it). Now, 6 months ago, I would have been frantic. I would of been worried if he got and if he was mad and if he didn't get it he would be mad...yadda yadda. Anyways, this time I thought...screw it. I sent the email. It is his responsibility now...so let's move on to something more important. His deal. What it boils down to is being self aware of your emotions and understanding and educating yourself. Yoga, meditation and my spirituality helped me heal. This site gave me the knowledge and education to help me heal. You just have to keep working on yourself.

Also, I did the exact same thing. I lost contact with anyone he had contact with. I didn't want to know anything about him. It hurt too much. I think this is smart, but also be careful. I found myself also hiding and feeling extremely anxious I might run into him or old mutual friends. At the time I think it is what I needed to heal. Then he re-appeared from his MIA stunt, and I didn't feel like I had to hide anymore. I felt different. I realized that hiding wasn't healthy, and I am glad I am not anymore. Something to think about. I basically started my life over. ..new job, new house, new friends. I still don't talk to anyone who is friends with him nor do I want to, but I don't feel like I have to hide anymore either.

Take care of yourself. It will slowly get better...

MissUs2015

Most of alo friends are bad. Not all. Ninety eight percent of alos friends weren't mine.
The two percent who were are the ones who helped me see how deep that addiction was, and who are helping me break my addiction to the addict.