CarmenLove

Hi,

Could I have a little bit of help please?

My STBXAH's mum called my mum for a 'chat'. Basically she said that she would like to remain friends with my mum regardless of what is happening between us two (me and her son).

It was all fine, and perfectly 'nice' and 'reasonable' and 'appropriate', however the whole thing has made me feel really triggered and slightly unhinged somehow.

When she first text my mum she said it was sad that he and I are having 'relationship problems' and then when they spoke on the phone she made it clear that she absolutely believes that he is fine (as in not using).

She said he is working and just getting on with things, she has spoken to him quite a lot and he sounds just fine.

I'm starting to doubt myself. Did I imagine that he is using again?

I feel so confused.

I mean I know he is very good at covering it up, but how is everyone just blindly believing it?

Did I get it wrong?

Maybe he really is in recovery and I was just paranoid.

But aren't they supposed to be an open book when they are in recovery? Aren't they supposed to work a program and arrive home on time?

CodeJob

Hmm. What does your mom think about this Carmen? I'm assuming she told you the entire conversation?

Is the enabler just looking for a new member of your family to build the image that all is well with the addict?

CarmenLove

My mum believes me. She did tell me the entire conversation.

I don't really know what it going on. It all feels confusing right now.

Ann

Your mom believes you so can probably decide in a healthy way whether she wants to remain friends or not. We can't choose other peoples friends but perhaps make it clear to your mom that you would like your discussions with her to remain private and that your relationship issues are private.. and then let it be.

What his mother says or thinks seems to bother you. If she puts doubt in your mind remember to trust your instinct and that you know the truth about how bad it got when you were together. It may take some work to not get drawn into anything she says.

Hugs

ladyscribbler

I smell triangulation. My ex's family are champions at this, with endless rounds of phone calls to keep the junior high drama rolling.

Triangulation (psychology) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

My ex's mom called me in tears on Sunday because my ex's wife called his aunt (dad's sister) to say that blah, blah, blah, discussing the custody case between my ex and I. So then the aunt got on the phone with my ex's dad (her brother) to say that blah, blah, blah. You get the idea. None of it had anything to do with the people talking about it. I only communicate with him via my lawyer, but like I said, this is the dynamic in their family.

zoso77

Carmen, what is best for you?

CarmenLove

Well there is no way I am going back...

What is best for me is to just keep moving forwards on my path, and stay focused on my recovery.

Doubting myself and the confusion that has come up feels horrible though. And I hate that people don't see the truth.

Best for me - keep moving forwards with my life, separately from him, although I feel sad to say it.

AnvilheadII

it's best to reject third hand information and stay out of the He Said, She Said drama, Carmen. and probably a good idea to ask mom to not give you the transcript of her personal conversations with his mother or anyone else. if his mom wants to stay in touch with your mom, that is between THEM.

zoso77

Carmen...you have to work on letting that go. I know it upsets you, and I'm not saying you don't have reason to be upset.

People are funny. And I bet, in the case of you MIL, she does what she does because it's easier than to take a hard, critical look at her own kid. No mother wants to admit to herself that her child is sick because that raises uncomfortable questions for her.

She's not in a place to examine things with a dispassionate eye. And that's not your problem. Practice letting it go. Focus on you.

allmirages

Carmen- always trust your gut and don't let him, his family or anyone else cause you to second guess what you already know. As you said, and it's been said here many times before, recovery looks like recovery, using looks like using. I've even read that on the addicts side of SR.

Denial is so very powerful, especially when our brains and heart don't want or aren't ready to be on the same page. Please stay strong. And, try your best to focus on what you can control, which is you and your life. I know that it easier said that done, but it is necessary for you to heal. You've been through so much, your heart and your mind, both need to heal. I truly believe that just as an addict's body and mind go through changes when they are in recovery and actually give up drugs, that we too, go through our own healing of our heart and mind. We need time to emotionally and physically recover. Hugs to you ~ we understand and support you!

CarmenLove

Allmirages.

Thank you.

Can anyone tell me - what does recovery look like?

What does using look like?

I know in my heart, and even my own head, however it would feel good to see it from another in black and white.

CarmenLove

As regards to me, I am about to go on a road trip to Snowdonia with my parents, so that is pretty good :-)

mnh1982

In my experience, it all adds up to continuous denial & enabling. Your addict is still their "baby" & always will be. My exAH's family vacillates between blaming me/others for his issues, & being lugubrious about how he "wasn't raised this way" & they "know what I'm going through". It depends on what helps them evade the truth & its consequences on that particular day. Stay strong & don't let further gaslighting & evasion stray you from your course!! Hugs, lady.

mnh1982

My in-laws are notorious for using the phrase "didn't SEEM strung out or high or anything".

Of course he didn't, you oblivious twerps. He's made a life out of duping people.

Believe actions, not words, when it comes to anyone & anything to do with your addict.