INgal

My heart is broken today. I just couldn't disengage. It escalated. Today there are two shattered people who have to start over from scratch, which is already very shaky. No one can help me and I can't forgive myself. My son is an drug abuser and alcoholic, and I neded to keep that in perspective.

Please learn a valuable lesson from my pain. It is not worth it to fight with your addict. Walk away if it gets heated. Let it go. Leave the house. Don't make it worse. I know the three C's, but yet I couldn't stop myself. I'm as bad as the user.

Thank you for listening.

MissUs2015

Part of their sickness is to make you believe you're the main problem--i.e. "just as bad." You are not.

Paraphrased from Naranon SESH: The addict has a higher power that is not us. Our most loving act may be to get out of the way and let the addict experience the consequences of his using.

CarmenLove

Sending you love and hugs.

I don't know the details of what happened, and it sounds like you are being awfully hard on yourself.

pilotlady

Ingal- The same thing happened with me and my son a few days ago. I had to let it out. It was anger. It is our only way to communicate sometimes and in my case, such
a knee jerk reaction. My son, and perhaps yours, knows my weak points and uses that
information as much as he can to hurt and try to get something out of me. That alone gets my fur up. Do not beat yourself up. I do the same thing, but then think of what
he has done to me and that makes me realize that it is ok. We have every right to be
angry, and express ourselves..

pilotlady

They certainly have no problem expressing themselves...

zoso77

I wouldn't go that far. You got sucked in. It happens to the best of us. The good news is once you stepped back, you saw your role in it. And that's what makes you different than your son.

INgal

Thanks, everyone. Horrible things were said, suicide threats, things thrown , we were both so out of control. I just don't know this person anymore. I'm ashamed that I raised this person. I can't believe this is the same little boy I played Legos and Candyland with. What the hell happened?

pilotlady

I am so sorry. Been there a few times. Heartbreaking I know. I understand your shame. I have thought the same many times. I do not know what happened except that made a very bad decision that changed them and their lives forever. I know I am new here, but I am sure you know so many people have walked in your shoes.

AWorriedFather

Prayers from this corner wishing you well.

katie44

I'm sorry you had such a bad day. We say things out of frustration, and anger. Please don't be so hard on yourself. As the parent of an AS I totally understand we have all been there . We are human we grieve the loss of our children, there future, there lives, our hopes and dreams for them. My daily prayer now is that I hope he stays clean for a day. Like you I just shake my head and think wth ! happened , and who is this stranger that stands in front of us .(((( hugs ))))

Twofour

Katie44. Could not have said it better

Ingal....so sorry It happens. Sh....happens.....don't be so hard on yourself. I know when it happens I step back. Re group. Hit meetings little more often. Read on detachment , etc.

zoso77

You don't have anything to be ashamed of. Nor is this anything you could have foreseen or prevented. He has chosen this life for himself.

Your job is to control yourself, to manage yourself, and to make the best choices for you.

If he's showing suicidal ideation, call 911.

GardenMama

INgal, how are you doing today? Have you made it to a meeting since the fight? They can be such a release-valve, comfort, space to detach and learn from others.

I know exactly what you mean about seeing someone in front of you at these moments, wondering how in the world this happened. Even in early recovery, our kids can be heartless, insensitive and more. There's some part that has to do with the brain, the experts say, but it is the shadows on their souls that I wonder about; how those get repaired is between them and their creator, I guess.

I am sorry you had a painful moment. Forgive yourself and try to move on. It is okay to be angry, too. I have been trying to use that anger to fuel my recovery, loving detachment, and knee-jerk responses. Hugs to you today!

cece1960

INgal,
I'm so sorry. I understand...I once repeatedly smacked my son with a shoe. It was soft soled, but still. I am not that person, ya know?

However, underneath the mom façade, I AM a person. I am also somebody else's daughter, sister, friend etc. I deserve happiness in my life.

So do you.

Ilovemysonjj

Dear INGal, I too have lost it and when that happens, it is so devastating when the red fog clears. Then I want to regain the little bit of hope and faith that everything will work out. Anger is a very natural response to our fears and frustrations and is HUMAN. I wouldn't worry, our addicts use our outburst to instill guilt and get more attention.
It is okay if you want to apologize but you can still voice your opinions/boundaries that were discussed (though without the anger).
Hugs,
TT

INgal

You guys are the absolute BEST! Thank you all so much for your support.

Garden Mama, I will be at a meeting Friday, and I really need it! I had to miss the last 3 weeks and it is frustrating.
Cece - yep, I am NOT that person. We are in our 5th year of problems, and this last year has been nonstop devastation. The rage I feel when I find out another piece of the puzzle is killing me. I say horrid things (as does he) and it leaves us both physically and mentally exhausted. Usually we make up and can be civil, but every time it happens, I lose a little piece of the "good" me behind.
Jj's mom - you've been through hell and back too. Thank you for the encouragement. I have apologized, as has he. However, he hasn't committed 100% to changing. You're right about the guilt.

Here's a "quack" for you: he wrote us a 20 pg explanation/apology about himself and why he has done some things. He actually implied in one part that my expectation of him going to college contributed to his downfall! I'm not sure if he means because he met alcoholics and druggies there or what. What he doesn't realize is that I would have supported ANYTHING he wanted to do...but he never had a passion for anything, nor an aptitude.
Now he has a degree, but no license to even do anything with it. Amazing that good intentions could be twisted into something evil. QUACK!

Lotusangel

INgal, hang in there. I have an AS as well and sometimes the moment gets the best of me. I think it's because for so long we try to hold it in and be tolerant and supportive, but what about us? We are just as sick as they are trying to maneuver out of the way from addiction...maybe end up pulling in two different directions because we don't understand ourselves.

In a previous post, someone mentioned, to not engage in arguing back. What's the point? That's exactly right. The addict is not ready to accept that responsibility and we can't make them accept it on our terms. It's a losing battle. Literally, it is day by day, and sometimes, minute by minute, hour by hour. Hugs to all that are going through this. I don't wish this on anyone. But together we can find strength to get through the rough patches.