The wedding is off...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 5
The wedding is off...
Hello,
I am really struggling and hoping that there will be someone who reads this that understands the situation and can share some insight. I have been with my fiance for 3 1/2 years. He has had periods of use (heroin) and periods of sobriety, but never complete sobriety - he would still drink alcohol and inevitably fall back into using heroin for awhile, and then get clean again, but still drink.
Last year, he began using heroin heavily and I told him I couldn't handle it anymore and kicked him out. He ended up in the hospital after intentionally overdosing and chose to go to inpatient rehab. He completed 90 days inpatient and then 90 days intensive outpatient, and it changed him in so many ways. He asked me to marry him in December of last year, and I accepted, but we both knew the risks that come with recovery/relapse.
After being completely sober for 8 months (something he has never done - no alcohol, no other substances at all), he relapsed with heroin. He used for three weeks and I suspected but he denied. I had also gained tools while he was in rehab last year and felt peace, knowing I couldn't control him or change the outcome. He was finally honest with me last week about his use and has been withdrawaling since.
I have called off the wedding (it was supposed to be in May) and am devastated. I knew that relapse is a risk but the pain is still the same. I am now at a point where I have to decide if I am going to stay with him and be a support while he pursues recovery again, or if I am going to call it quits. Part of me feels like it's time to call it quits and that perhaps he needs to feel a devastating consequence like that. Another part of me knows how great we are together and has seen the incredible progress he's made. I feel like he's so close to getting this right. I love him, and I'm sad to walk away.
Has anyone had an experience similar to this? We live together and the one thing I know for certain is that the wedding is off and may or may not be reevaluated at a later time. However, I feel there are still choices to be made: 1) Do I have him move out and, if he can be sober on his own for a year, we'll see where we're at and if we want to try again at that point, or 2) Do I stay with him and be a support while he pursues recovery again.
I don't know what is best and would appreciate any insight from users, past users, those affected by use, etc. Thanks so much.
I am really struggling and hoping that there will be someone who reads this that understands the situation and can share some insight. I have been with my fiance for 3 1/2 years. He has had periods of use (heroin) and periods of sobriety, but never complete sobriety - he would still drink alcohol and inevitably fall back into using heroin for awhile, and then get clean again, but still drink.
Last year, he began using heroin heavily and I told him I couldn't handle it anymore and kicked him out. He ended up in the hospital after intentionally overdosing and chose to go to inpatient rehab. He completed 90 days inpatient and then 90 days intensive outpatient, and it changed him in so many ways. He asked me to marry him in December of last year, and I accepted, but we both knew the risks that come with recovery/relapse.
After being completely sober for 8 months (something he has never done - no alcohol, no other substances at all), he relapsed with heroin. He used for three weeks and I suspected but he denied. I had also gained tools while he was in rehab last year and felt peace, knowing I couldn't control him or change the outcome. He was finally honest with me last week about his use and has been withdrawaling since.
I have called off the wedding (it was supposed to be in May) and am devastated. I knew that relapse is a risk but the pain is still the same. I am now at a point where I have to decide if I am going to stay with him and be a support while he pursues recovery again, or if I am going to call it quits. Part of me feels like it's time to call it quits and that perhaps he needs to feel a devastating consequence like that. Another part of me knows how great we are together and has seen the incredible progress he's made. I feel like he's so close to getting this right. I love him, and I'm sad to walk away.
Has anyone had an experience similar to this? We live together and the one thing I know for certain is that the wedding is off and may or may not be reevaluated at a later time. However, I feel there are still choices to be made: 1) Do I have him move out and, if he can be sober on his own for a year, we'll see where we're at and if we want to try again at that point, or 2) Do I stay with him and be a support while he pursues recovery again.
I don't know what is best and would appreciate any insight from users, past users, those affected by use, etc. Thanks so much.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Magical thinking: I feel like he’s so close to getting this right.
Reality: Past behavior is the best indication of future behavior.
I think it was smart to call off the wedding even if it feels heartbreaking. I personally would suggest that you have him move out so that he can focus on his recovery and you can focus on yours.
Reality: Past behavior is the best indication of future behavior.
I think it was smart to call off the wedding even if it feels heartbreaking. I personally would suggest that you have him move out so that he can focus on his recovery and you can focus on yours.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
In all honesty, I wish I hadn't gone through with marrying my exAH. It would have been better to go our separate ways before all the legal & social implications of marriage, rather than the predicament I'm in now-married but separated, pending divorce, 6mo old son (whom I wouldn't trade for the WORLD, of course)...
Once you are actually married, things change. Others feel personally invested in your marriage. And perhaps you have children. Or even pets, that are now "ours" & not just "yours" or "his".
Stay strong...you're making the right decision.
Once you are actually married, things change. Others feel personally invested in your marriage. And perhaps you have children. Or even pets, that are now "ours" & not just "yours" or "his".
Stay strong...you're making the right decision.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello J2014,
I think you made a wise decision to not get married at this time.
Over the course of my almost 21 Y marriage, I choose to stay at 3 different crisis points - all addiction related. When I made my decision in 2013, I informed my recovering H that this was my last round. If he relapses I will end the relationship. It is for my survival so I can stay out of the rabbit hole and be present for our kid.
You need to decide how much space you need to process how YOU feel and what YOU want. You may also want to think about your future. What did you envision and what is truly likely to happen?
There are a lot of cautionary tales here. The happy endings are quite guarded.
Peace and wisdom,
I think you made a wise decision to not get married at this time.
Over the course of my almost 21 Y marriage, I choose to stay at 3 different crisis points - all addiction related. When I made my decision in 2013, I informed my recovering H that this was my last round. If he relapses I will end the relationship. It is for my survival so I can stay out of the rabbit hole and be present for our kid.
You need to decide how much space you need to process how YOU feel and what YOU want. You may also want to think about your future. What did you envision and what is truly likely to happen?
There are a lot of cautionary tales here. The happy endings are quite guarded.
Peace and wisdom,
Last edited by CodeJob; 04-13-2015 at 02:01 PM. Reason: sp
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I'm the mother of an addict and haven't been in your position but I just wanted to offer hugs and say that I think you are wise to call off the wedding and put some time and space between you while you work on your own recovery and decide if this is the life you want to live...now, 5 years from now, 10 years?
I'm sorry it hurts so much, but sometimes staying hurts more.
Hugs
I'm sorry it hurts so much, but sometimes staying hurts more.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by j2014 
Hello,
I am really struggling and hoping that there will be someone who reads this that understands the situation and can share some insight. I have been with my fiance for 3 1/2 years. He has had periods of use (heroin) and periods of sobriety, but never complete sobriety - he would still drink alcohol and inevitably fall back into using heroin for awhile, and then get clean again, but still drink.
Last year, he began using heroin heavily and I told him I couldn't handle it anymore and kicked him out. He ended up in the hospital after intentionally overdosing and chose to go to inpatient rehab. He completed 90 days inpatient and then 90 days intensive outpatient, and it changed him in so many ways. He asked me to marry him in December of last year, and I accepted, but we both knew the risks that come with recovery/relapse.
After being completely sober for 8 months (something he has never done - no alcohol, no other substances at all), he relapsed with heroin. He used for three weeks and I suspected but he denied. I had also gained tools while he was in rehab last year and felt peace, knowing I couldn't control him or change the outcome. He was finally honest with me last week about his use and has been withdrawaling since.
I have called off the wedding (it was supposed to be in May) and am devastated. I knew that relapse is a risk but the pain is still the same. I am now at a point where I have to decide if I am going to stay with him and be a support while he pursues recovery again, or if I am going to call it quits. Part of me feels like it's time to call it quits and that perhaps he needs to feel a devastating consequence like that. Another part of me knows how great we are together and has seen the incredible progress he's made. I feel like he's so close to getting this right. I love him, and I'm sad to walk away.
Has anyone had an experience similar to this? We live together and the one thing I know for certain is that the wedding is off and may or may not be reevaluated at a later time. However, I feel there are still choices to be made: 1) Do I have him move out and, if he can be sober on his own for a year, we'll see where we're at and if we want to try again at that point, or 2) Do I stay with him and be a support while he pursues recovery again.
I don't know what is best and would appreciate any insight from users, past users, those affected by use, etc. Thanks so much.
I am really struggling and hoping that there will be someone who reads this that understands the situation and can share some insight. I have been with my fiance for 3 1/2 years. He has had periods of use (heroin) and periods of sobriety, but never complete sobriety - he would still drink alcohol and inevitably fall back into using heroin for awhile, and then get clean again, but still drink.
Last year, he began using heroin heavily and I told him I couldn't handle it anymore and kicked him out. He ended up in the hospital after intentionally overdosing and chose to go to inpatient rehab. He completed 90 days inpatient and then 90 days intensive outpatient, and it changed him in so many ways. He asked me to marry him in December of last year, and I accepted, but we both knew the risks that come with recovery/relapse.
After being completely sober for 8 months (something he has never done - no alcohol, no other substances at all), he relapsed with heroin. He used for three weeks and I suspected but he denied. I had also gained tools while he was in rehab last year and felt peace, knowing I couldn't control him or change the outcome. He was finally honest with me last week about his use and has been withdrawaling since.
I have called off the wedding (it was supposed to be in May) and am devastated. I knew that relapse is a risk but the pain is still the same. I am now at a point where I have to decide if I am going to stay with him and be a support while he pursues recovery again, or if I am going to call it quits. Part of me feels like it's time to call it quits and that perhaps he needs to feel a devastating consequence like that. Another part of me knows how great we are together and has seen the incredible progress he's made. I feel like he's so close to getting this right. I love him, and I'm sad to walk away.
Has anyone had an experience similar to this? We live together and the one thing I know for certain is that the wedding is off and may or may not be reevaluated at a later time. However, I feel there are still choices to be made: 1) Do I have him move out and, if he can be sober on his own for a year, we'll see where we're at and if we want to try again at that point, or 2) Do I stay with him and be a support while he pursues recovery again.
I don't know what is best and would appreciate any insight from users, past users, those affected by use, etc. Thanks so much.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: NM
Posts: 96
Thanks for sharing, j2014. I think you made the right choice. It seems that I broke off my engagement to my ex alcoholic, drug addict, promiscuous fiancé about a week after you made this post. Sometimes it hurts more to stay, and past behavior is definitely an indication of future behavior. I ignored her past behavior, since she was honest with me and I believed her when she said she was better, but she went back to her old habits after we got engaged. It's really hard to leave someone you love, but sometimes it hurts way more to stay and watch them keep hurting themselves.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
j2014,
There are 2 types of decisions. Those that hurt now and those that hurt
later.
Now, as everyone knows....is fleeting. Here for only a moment, then gone forever.
Later, as everyone also knows, starts very soon-----and goes on---forever.
What helps me is imagining alternative futures. Endless sentences of regret
spanning decades. A life, potential, youth--- all wasted on the phony altar of
baseless hope. The painful truth about life is, regardless of your beliefs---
you don't get a do over.
What you have now----is a band aid that hurt when you ripped it off fast.
What you DON'T have, is a lifetime of regret looking back on decades of
pain and suffering------and deeply hating yourself because you did not have
the courage to act................at that all important critical moment.
Decisions matter only as a function of time. Enough time passes, and the
decisions are made for you..........by time itself.
There are 7 billion fish out there (and change). Find one who will treat you
like a goddess----not garbage. Life is what it is----not what we hope it to be.
I know it hurts. We all do. But a lifetime of regret hurts a hell of a lot more.
There are 2 types of decisions. Those that hurt now and those that hurt
later.
Now, as everyone knows....is fleeting. Here for only a moment, then gone forever.
Later, as everyone also knows, starts very soon-----and goes on---forever.
What helps me is imagining alternative futures. Endless sentences of regret
spanning decades. A life, potential, youth--- all wasted on the phony altar of
baseless hope. The painful truth about life is, regardless of your beliefs---
you don't get a do over.
What you have now----is a band aid that hurt when you ripped it off fast.
What you DON'T have, is a lifetime of regret looking back on decades of
pain and suffering------and deeply hating yourself because you did not have
the courage to act................at that all important critical moment.
Decisions matter only as a function of time. Enough time passes, and the
decisions are made for you..........by time itself.
There are 7 billion fish out there (and change). Find one who will treat you
like a goddess----not garbage. Life is what it is----not what we hope it to be.
I know it hurts. We all do. But a lifetime of regret hurts a hell of a lot more.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
