CarmenLove

Hi all,

So I have been having quite a good 24 hours. Have not had any contact with STBXAH and I have been concentrating on me and working on my business.

Things were going swimmingly, and I was even planning a couple of trips for myself, when suddenly out of nowhere an attack of guilt.

I started feeling guilty.

You see the past 2 years I have been been working on and building up my business. Whilst I was doing so XAH and I also did some traveling (I work online) and the idea was that we would both earn money working online as we travelled.

Well on his end it never really took off. And so after 9 months of it being pretty much just my income (much of which I was investing back into my biz) we decided to come home so he could work and contribute ('support his family' as he said).

However once we got home that was when he picked up. The next 6 months were of him using and then detoxing and me supporting us both.

So really a year of me supporting us both (although somehow when we have spoken about it he doesn't quite see it that way, because he worked the odd week here and there and also used some credit cards when we were away).

Basically somehow it has become twisted to that he was making sacrifices so that I could build my business ??? !!

I don't know.

And he seems to think it's my fault he is in debt.

I am also in a ton of debt, however I am working my way out of that.

And now as I am enjoying working on my business, and planning some trips for myself (one of the luxuries of working online means I can work from anywhere) and I am realising I am totally FREE.

And I felt excited. And then straight away I felt guilty.

I thought of him in all his debt, with his addiction, working hard, day in day out, and I wondered - is it my fault?

Is it my fault because I wouldn't conform and get a JOB and be a normal 'wife' like all his family wanted me to.

Is it my fault because I wouldn't stay at home and do the cleaning? (I did do the cleaning, I just never had plans to become a domesticated stay at home wife, especially when my income was higher!).

His whole family think I am 'bad' and irresponsible and bad with money - they have no idea about him!!!

Urghhh, where does this come from?

CarmenLove

Something else that has been spinning around in my head these past few days is that his ex decided to get involved - well actually it was my fault really because I contacted her to ask if he was addicted when they broke up.

Her response initially was that yes he was. In her words he had become an alcoholic, and the addictions were the main reason they broke up.

Then she said she was worried about him and decided to call his mum. She also said she was going to go and see him. I could tell by the way she was speaking that she has not learned about addiction. I sent her some links to articles to read.

After she spoke to his mum she became very hostile with me.

She said she was not going to read the info that I sent, that I obviously never knew him at all. She said it didn't understand, and that I was only talking the 'usual jibbly' as though it was just any old addiction. She said that at this time he needs love and looking after and as his wife I should be by his side. She said she would be if she was someone's wife.

Suddenly the story about why they broke up changed to 'because we fell out of love and years of bad treatment' (nothing about the addiction now).

This stuff is so crazy!

I just responded that it was obvious we both cared and have different ideas about what is the best way to deal with things.

I didn't want to engage further.

But the comments really cut.

You know I am his WIFE, and yes he is an addict, however I did know him, at the beginning.

I don't see what is any different or special about his addiction !

I feel so angry, I really want to argue, however I have just let it go.

I'm so tired and fed up of this sheesh!

CarmenLove

One more post - thanks for letting me vent, better here huh - so I think I am going to attend my first Al Anon meeting tonight.

Well not really my first. I attended them years ago, however my first one in a long time.

Please give me some encouragement, as I feel kinda nervous and in many ways it would be much easier just to stay here on the sofa!

atalose

You know his work ethic history and you know how he accumulated his debt so allow the facts to speak and stop listening to his words of blame, that’s what alcoholics do.

Don’t question the truth or even try and fight to make him understand it, it’s a waste of your time.

Learn from the lesson you are experiencing now. The one where you invite other people into your personal relationship, and especially an ex-wife. What were you really thinking by contacting her, what were you hoping to gain from that?

Stay the course with al-anon, focus on you and detaching from him and all the other chaos surrounding his addiction.

CarmenLove

Atalose,

She is his ex girlfriend not ex wife.

I don't know, I was feeling pretty crazy and insecure at the time. I knew deep down no good could come of it, however I just needed to know that I wasn't crazy. That I didn't imagine the addiction. I wanted to know if that is why they broke up, which is what I suspected, although not what he told me.

I felt very alone and wanted some validation.

I guess I had this idea that maybe she would support me. That maybe she would understand. She had always seemed very kind.

For sure it's not wise to invite other people into a personal relationship.

CarmenLove

I AM going to the meeting. I already decided that.

I am just feeling a little nervous about it.

atalose

Al-anon will help you “validate” yourself and become secure with what you know. Always remember that, what you see and hear – is – what you see and hear. The craziness comes from NOT wanting to believe what you see and hear because then it’s all too real. We dance on the high wire when we are confused and unsure and not fully ready to accept what is happening right before our eyes and ears.