MissUs2015

My addict can appear to be the most friendly, functional employee out there after his morning bump. He's generally well liked and his work well-regarded. He comes in and leaves on time. He brings meth to the workplace to sustain that performance.

Bekindalways

Hey Missus, as much as possible let go of whatever the XA is doing and focus on your own health. Even if it is as small as a 5 minute walk, do it.

MissUs2015

Belinda, good advice.
This merde left a meth pipe in full view. Which I took to show boss. He told me to put it back. Which I did after smashing it.
I may not have a job in a couple days.
I have a group and have been redoing Steps 2 and 3. So far this is where I'm at:

1) This is not a privacy issue. When you come to work, cover your illegal drugs like you cover your ass. I would have much rather come across your average porn than what you left out. How dare you.
2) I'm worried about my physical safety. You are physically strong. You smoke meth to get through your day. As I've fallen into disfavor with your Enabling Mommy (see Pocatello Amancik as to a simile), I'm afraid your verbal abuse might severely escalate especially if you get a chance with me alone. Sadly due to work conditions that could happen, sooner than later.
3) The addict is sort of like Walter White. Nothing sticks to the character until it is way too late. That's why I felt I needed to have proof in getting it. Pictures of porn are not ok. Having a 40 oz on your table is not ok. But meth is ok as long as he and Mommy are ok?
Not ok with me. So I got heard. Hope it is worth it.

MissUs2015

I used to like jogging, so I went today.
I used to enjoy it so much. The slowed-down, close-up view of neighborhoods. The repetitive soundtrack of the Walkman. The breeze.
Now it's cul-de-sacs. Locked gates. My iPhone diverts to Voice Control unpredictably. So much for sound. Here I am at the bay, where my ex acquires and smokes meth with his 50-55-year-old drug buddy crowd.
Having a great time.
I tried to, too.
I ran home crying.

alterity

Interesting that you are in the Bay Area and your A works. I saw a Drugs Inc episode about meth in that area. Reminds me so much of the 80s in NYC when everyone was doing coke and in the 90s when it was ecstacy. I had a friend who said he used to do x with a CEO of a big tech company, for example, in the mid 90s. Our society is really messed up like that. Poor, unemployed people in the ghetto are demonized as being drug-abusing, drug-selling criminals but drug abuse is completely ignored among people who are employed and appear a certain way.

JOIE12

Have you tried jogging for 'you' ? and not to follow or track or even think about your ex ?

I know it's a tough thing but healthier to wonder than to end up someplace where you would be hurt or just 'wrong place wrong time'.

I'm a bit worried

MissUs2015

Hi Joie,
I've jogged for 35 years, but not really during the relation,ship. When you jog, you get a close up of your environs. The park where we played softball. The stores we went to. The trail we bicycled. The bay. Plodding in loneliness.
Yesterday I went to see a coworker's band by myself. It's the first time I've dressed up and gone out by myself in several years. The ex-ALO had been there earlier. With a guy friend.
He makes friends easily and has a vast circle of companionship. I have Al-Anon meetings for an hour. He has the meeting after the meeting all the time...

Bekindalways

Heya Miss, this sounds so hard to be in such a physically intertwined situation.

My hat is off to you for every attempt you make to do things for yourself: jogging, going out whatever. Even if it isn't successful, keep trying to find something.

MissUs2015

My A can't stand drunk people. Homeless people. People on aid. Criminals. Crackheads. Even methheads like the one on that show.

His self-image is that of an exemplary employee in an intensely physical job, a son close to his parents, a fisherman whose hobby keeps him "out of trouble" and with quality friends. He actually believes this. So did I. It is even now hard to admit that the whole thing was a meth-propped sham, and harder yet to forgive myself for falling for it.

PuzzledHeart

Miss, I jog/crawl too. I'm just really, really bad at it, so bad that my running is somebody's walking.

I definitely agree with Joie's suggestion to run for yourself. Have you ever run races before? They can be incredibly fun, and they give you a goal to reach towards.

If you're insane, like me, you can sign up for a marathon and have your entire life taken over by the event. You'll be forced to find new paths to run instead of retreading old ones, mainly because you'll have to find routes with sufficient bathroom coverage and water. But you can also plan new routes in some pretty gorgeous places.

It just sounds like you need some beauty in your life right now.

PS: As for the iPhone voice control demon, I think the headphones have a lot to do with it, even headphones without the mike. I chucked out one pair(fortunately they were very cheap) because the iPhone demon wouldn't stop.

MissUs2015

I power-walked today on lunch through a county park near my work. The bay was like a mirror. So clear. I walked up a hill and to my surprise came down by the harbor and his fishing spots.
Seeing them from another angle helped me see that they were beautiful places that drug dealers have no right to compromise, let alone destroy. It felt like the first step in reclaiming the place I live in. And my life too.

MissUs2015

I've discovered my f2f Alanon homegroup! Sharing face-to-face with a group that feels right is tremendous. I can see doing step work and service commitment here, naturally. It makes a huge difference.

I've been in Al-anon meetings for about a year. All were welcoming to friends of addicts as well. Still, nothing felt like homegroup, and it is worth it to find one. It feels like you want to keep coming back.

Hawkeye13

sounds like you are really taking some positive steps for you
great job!

MissUs2015

I said this in another conversation. I didn't mean to derail her thread:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-enabling.html

MissUs2015

First, I have some medical stuff to attend to that'll take a few weeks.

After that, going to do six weeks of boot camp-style classes to push my limits and restore my confidence in my body.

After that, I'll enroll in Brazilian jusitsu with a trainer I know. I need to know what physical confrontation feels like to be able to defend myself. I want to be able to do it and to project it.

Along the way, I hope some of my class friends become friends I can go walking with or hang out with. Platonic friends. Not in any hurry for relationships, but I won't preclude them.

If I have a gut feeling that something is off with someone I meet along the way--platonic or not--I'm going to be backing off for now.

MissUs2015

First, I have some medical stuff to attend to that'll take a few weeks.

After that, going to do six weeks of boot camp-style classes to push my limits and restore my confidence in my body.

After that, I'll enroll in Brazilian jusitsu with a trainer I know. I need to know what physical confrontation feels like to be able to defend myself. I want to be able to do it and to project it.

Along the way, I hope some of my class friends become friends I can go walking with or hang out with. Platonic friends. Not in any hurry for relationships, but won't preclude them.

If I have a gut feeling that something is off with someone I meet along the way, I'll back away.

MissUs2015

I kicked Ex out a month ago. Later, I found some underwear that was drenched in blood. I'm really sure Ex is not gay and this was a LOT of blood. I was hardhearted but then Ex came to see me on my last hospital stay. His SIL was actually the one taking me home.

I told SIL about the bloody underwear and she said to tell the mom. Minutes later she called to said to wait till she talked to her hubby but I didn't wait. I have been worrying about the guy for three years. I called the mom. She was mom was not in denial. I said family had told me she was too old and frail to handle this and I thought she was plenty strong. She agreed. She knew what was going on since high school in 1980 and was open to rehab now. She didn't want to bury her son. (Previously, I had been informed of what Mom felt by other family members who were "protecting" mom. You can see what I thought about her in my prior posts.)

SIL was angry that I had talked to mom before she talked to husband. Mom told her to pick me up for their family meeting and SIL refused. I couldn't drive myself because I am medically unable, and she knew it.

SIL came over after the non-intervention. The family concluded that this blood was hemorrhoids, that he only smoked meth "now and then," and that the meth his mom and I found was like really old, from maybe 2009 or something.
And then SIL and I hung out for hours. She has become a friend to me since I started going to hospital in November. She gave me a gift basket that took a lot time and effort to put together.She made me soup when I got home and for a couple days it was the only thing I could eat. We walk on my lunch hour regularly now. And when I had to go to hospital the last time, there was no one to take me and pick me up but her. If I hadn't had her, I would have had to pay some nurse $700 so she could "take charge" of me and take me to her house when I wanted to go home.

That's the SIL. The one who banned me from the meeting where I might have made a difference. Mom knew and wasn't denying. I have three years of info from living with him day to day. My addict could not credibly say every single thing I said was a lie. My addict might have with pressure from his whole family consented to a 90-day rehab away from his dealers. His family by the way could pay for it.

Instead, the SIL came over later to say that the family's decision is that there wasn't really a problem. He might SMOKE METH once in a "great while." The meth his mother found last week and the meth I found last year were both really old, like from the 1990s. Oh, and the family knows some methheads and he doesn't look like one. (There's resemblance to 57 year old in the show Addicted.)

SIL suggested I should stop watching "Breaking Bad. That's how I know addicts don't all look like Wendy the prostitute or the woman in "Peekaboo" who shoved an ATM on her man's head, crushing it. The main character Jesse was good looking, fit, and the bestt at depicting and exploiting methhead behavior. But I digress.

The FM and I then hung out for a few hours. The FM is a personal friend who has done a lof for me since I' was hospitalized this fall. We developed a close relationship. We walk two or three times a week on my lunch hour at the park behind my work. By the way, my addict and I work for the same place.

Feeling weird about the FM, I texted my only other friends here, a married couple. This couple used to socialize with the addict and me, but eventually told me they would not get together until I dumped the addict Yesterday, the male friend made it clear that the addict was no longer even someone he would talk to on the beach, not a friend at all. Further, he informed me that he would not tolerate me talking about the addict anymore. That was yesterday... Today, the addict called this male friend who ONE DAY prior had banned conversation about the addict. The male friend then texts me livid that I incited the family meeting (basically meaning I talked to his mom) as he got his way with the rest of the meeting.
I invited the couple to call my mother if I was ever at the point that the addict is physically and psychologically--even if it doesn't take me 25 years of methamphetamine use to get there. I provided them my mother's landline..I gave them the same ultimatum: You can be friends with me or you can be friends with him. It's an either/or, just like you said.

I will stay out of his life or the end of it. Doea anyone know of addicts alive after a quarter-century of methamphetamine abuse? 40 years of cocaine/meth use?

I have potentially no friends now. And I had surgery three days ago and can't exactly drive yet. This is what came from caring for the addict and not detaching. I don't need the detachment to be with love at this point, I need to give a S for my survival. I hope someone else is around to call 911 or do CPR, and I hope I am elsewhere.


So that is how one addict can screw up everyone's lives while thinking that they aren't "hurting anyone" by doing their substance. Addicts hurt so many lives and I'm just a little tired of hearing about their individual rights to do that. Frankly, I think names of illegal drug users should be public record. They can clear things up with a 6-month hair test on an unaltered hair. Rehab should be free (I believe Salvation Army is) as are County-Run Rehabs for those who can't pay. If addicts or their families desire more amenities, they and their families can pay for it , just like college or nursing homes.

MissUs2015

THIS IS A EDITED POST FROM THE ONE PREVIOUS. I DIDN'T KNOW I ONLY HAD `15 MINS TO EDIT IT, SO THE PRIOR POST DOESNT MAKE A LOT OF SENSE. IVE ASKED THE EDS TO CONSOLIDATE IT WITH THE POST BELOW.

I kicked Ex out a month ago. Later, I found some underwear that was drenched in blood. I'm really sure Ex is not gay and this was a LOT of blood. I was hardhearted but then Ex came to see me on my last hospital stay. His SIL was actually the one taking me home.

I told SIL about the bloody underwear and she said to tell the mom. Minutes later she called to said to wait till she talked to her hubby but I didn't wait. I have been worrying about the guy for three years. I called the mom. Mom was not in denial. I said family had told me she was too old and frail to handle this and I thought Said she was plenty strong. Mom agreed. She said she found meth recently and confronted the Addict, who told her it was super old and he's not doing it anymore. Mom said she didn't believe that was the case. Mom also said she didn't think the meth I found on the kitchen table was from 1999 either. She knew what was going on since high school in 1980 with his drugs, and she was open to rehab now.Said the family would pay for it. She didn't want to bury her son.

(Previously, I had been informed of what Mom felt by other family members who were "protecting" mom by forbidding any talk on the subject. You can see what I thought of her by basically being fed misinformation about her.)

SIL was angry that I had talked to mom before she talked to husband. Mom told her to pick me up for their family meeting and SIL refused. I couldn't drive myself because I had just taken pain medication.

SIL had made some crack about how she hoped that I wouldn't screw the addict over at work or screw the addict in some way. So five hours after I took the pain meds, I drove over there with two items: 1) the proof that the title loan on the 40K vehicle mom bought him was paid off. (These places have a way of forgetting things, and they charge 460 percent interest.)
2) I also gave them the meth that the Addict had left at my house, because now I couldn't go to the PD with it. These were the two things that actually could screw over the addict, so I handed them over.

SIL came over after the non-intervention. She was mad that I actually gave the mom the meth. But she wanted to let me know that the family concluded that this blood was hemorrhoids, that he only smoked meth "now and then," and that the meth his mom and I found was like really old, from maybe 2009 or something. She informed me that the family all knew what meth heads looked like and there was no way he was one. SIL mentioned that the Dad might be embarrassed at his 20-year volunteer "job" if people knew his 52 year old kid had to go to rehab. OK, I understand that you're retired at 50 and you've done 20 years of "giving back" and you think everyone knows you. (They don't. )Your kid works there and the fact that he gets 90 days of FMLA leave for serious medical conditions is more important than your need to feel needed.

And then SIL and I hung out for hours. She has become a friend to me since I started going to hospital in November. She gave me a gift basket that took a lot time and effort to put together.She made me soup when I got home and for a couple days it was the only thing I could eat. We walk on my lunch hour regularly. And when I had to go to hospital the last time, there was no one to take me and pick me up but her. If I hadn't had her, I would have had to pay some nurse service $700 so she could "take charge" of me or the hospital wouldn't discharge me.

This good friend banned me from the one opportunity where I might have made a difference to a man I lived with for three years. When he was most loveable he was high. When he was most productive (but sometimes with stupid stuff he didn't finish), he was high. When he was coming down, he'd crash in bed and not hear a TV full blast, but hear a pop can crunch five feet away. Every night, he'd twitch violently. Some nights I got hit. He had horrible joint pains. He always had a stomach ache. He is bleeding nosebleed style from the anus. My addict might have with pressure from me and his mom consented to a 90-day rehab away from his dealers. Financial concerns were by the way not a factor for this family.

It will never happen now.

Feeling weird about the SIL, I texted my only other friends here, a married couple. This couple used to socialize with the addict and me, but eventually told me they would not get together until I dumped the addict. Yesterday, the male friend made it clear that the addict was no longer even someone he would talk to on the beach, not a friend at all. Further, he informed me that he would not tolerate me talking about the addict anymore. That was yesterday... Today, the addict called this male friend who ONE DAY prior had banned conversation about the addict. The male friend then texts me livid that I incited the family meeting (basically meaning I talked to his mom). And this male friend agrees that's enough to be pissed about.
I invited thiz couple to call my mother if I was ever at the point that the addict is physically and psychologically--even if it doesn't take me 25 years of methamphetamine use/ 40 years of cocaine/meth use. I gave them my mom's landline and I gave them the same ultimatum they gave me. You can be friends with me or you can be friends with him. It's an either/or, just like you said.

So what can one addict who insists he's not "hurting anyone" do? I had surgery three days ago. I have no friends now. I have to detach for survival, and in my case that's not detachment "with love". It's not giving a S because I gotta survive. Speaking of survival, how often do addicts survive 25 years of meth/crank or 40 years of meth/crank/coke? And for the medical professionals out there, how long does he have? Just neutrally wondering.

alterity

"Speaking of survival, how often do addicts survive 25 years of meth/crank or 40 years of meth/crank/coke?"

I'm no expert but that sounds incredibly rare to me. The statistic I have heard/read is that a meth addict generally dies within an average of 5 years.

MissUs2015

That's how he convinces everyone there is not a prob. I[ve seen threads on druggie sites claiming that ppl have been "responsible" but silent due to the unfair "stigma" they feel.