Relationships and Recovery
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Relationships and Recovery
Hello everyone. It's been a while since I last posted. To give some background to those who haven't read my past posts, my exboyfriend of 2 years is a recovering meth and heroin addict. We were long distance after he was arrested on drug related charges. Four months into his recovery, he broke up with me out of no where over the phone. He then began seeing another woman 3 weeks after.
We broke up over 2 months ago, I hadn't spoken to him for over a month, when he contacted me at the beginning of this week to "make amends" before he went to jail. I was heartbroken when he ended it because I had sacrificed so much and tried to support him, and he would't even do me the courtesy of breaking up with me in person. I was just starting to feel a little better until he started texting me. I told him I wasn't ready to accept his apology because I didn't think he really knew what he was sorry for. It just hasn't been long enough. But after hearing his apology, it seems legitimate and I want to forgive him. He keeps contacting me, and today he confessed that he made a mistake and that he wishes he could take it back. It just makes me so mad and confuses me so much. It's not fair of him to say this now, and I'm just really not sure how to respond. I thought I hated him, but this is bringing back so much. I'm just confused, and I could use some perspective. His mind is moving too fast for me. His recovery is helping him to learn new things about himself every day, and I just can't keep up.
We broke up over 2 months ago, I hadn't spoken to him for over a month, when he contacted me at the beginning of this week to "make amends" before he went to jail. I was heartbroken when he ended it because I had sacrificed so much and tried to support him, and he would't even do me the courtesy of breaking up with me in person. I was just starting to feel a little better until he started texting me. I told him I wasn't ready to accept his apology because I didn't think he really knew what he was sorry for. It just hasn't been long enough. But after hearing his apology, it seems legitimate and I want to forgive him. He keeps contacting me, and today he confessed that he made a mistake and that he wishes he could take it back. It just makes me so mad and confuses me so much. It's not fair of him to say this now, and I'm just really not sure how to respond. I thought I hated him, but this is bringing back so much. I'm just confused, and I could use some perspective. His mind is moving too fast for me. His recovery is helping him to learn new things about himself every day, and I just can't keep up.
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selpats...
One of the dangers you were bound to encounter was a situation like you've described above; he contacts you, says he's sorry, asks for forgiveness...and before you know it, you're reeled back in.
Is he sincere? Honestly, I don't know. But what I do know is the only way you can effectively judge someone is by their actions, not their words. When we're vulnerable and hurting, and when someone tells us exactly what we want to hear, we want to believe them.
So, if you're asking what you should do, I would be very, very cautious. And I would encourage you to get in touch with your moral compass and what your gut is telling you.
Keep us posted.
One of the dangers you were bound to encounter was a situation like you've described above; he contacts you, says he's sorry, asks for forgiveness...and before you know it, you're reeled back in.
Is he sincere? Honestly, I don't know. But what I do know is the only way you can effectively judge someone is by their actions, not their words. When we're vulnerable and hurting, and when someone tells us exactly what we want to hear, we want to believe them.
So, if you're asking what you should do, I would be very, very cautious. And I would encourage you to get in touch with your moral compass and what your gut is telling you.
Keep us posted.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Well... (sigh)
My AH has been in prison since 2013 and I'm not sure if what I'm thinking is what you want to hear.
Jail is difficult. It has it's own subculture. If he is going for an extended amount of time then it really makes sense that he wants to make ammens now before he goes in. Addicts (and prisoners of all kinds) are often looking for enablers. They want someone to write and someone to visit and send money.
I imagine that the girl he left you for doesn't want to do these things, so he came back to you to try and lure you in to support him while he is inside.
My AH uses a different approach, but the motives are the same. Of course he realizes his mistake now that he is going away. They always do.
Check out this article. Does this boy say any of these things? My AH does.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-say-jail.html
My AH has been in prison since 2013 and I'm not sure if what I'm thinking is what you want to hear.
Jail is difficult. It has it's own subculture. If he is going for an extended amount of time then it really makes sense that he wants to make ammens now before he goes in. Addicts (and prisoners of all kinds) are often looking for enablers. They want someone to write and someone to visit and send money.
I imagine that the girl he left you for doesn't want to do these things, so he came back to you to try and lure you in to support him while he is inside.
My AH uses a different approach, but the motives are the same. Of course he realizes his mistake now that he is going away. They always do.
Check out this article. Does this boy say any of these things? My AH does.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-say-jail.html
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Zoso77,
I do think his apology is sincere, but as I said above, I'm not sure if he really understands the extent of what he should be sorry for. The fact that his words are the opposite of his previous actions has never been more clear. My problem is, as a person in recovery, his mind is changing so fast, and if he hurt me once, I know he is capable of doing it again. Even if he is truly sorry, he did it once, he can do it again. I can't have that happen. it hurt bad enough the first time. I don't think I'm considering getting back together with him. I think this is more about forgiveness, and letting go of the hate in my heart. Of course I still love him, and I'm confused as hell, but considering what's he's done and that he's about to go to jail, getting back together is out of the question.
Lily1918
He's not sure yet, but he'll probably do around 90 days in jail. So he won't be there long, and luckily I've never heard him say any of the things on that list. He's feeling optimistic about his recovery. I want to believe that he isn't apologizing just because he's going to jail, but the part of me that has been hurt by him is too wounded to not consider that possibility. He claims he only saw the other girl for a week or so right after we broke up because he was lonely and needed a distraction from thinking about what he'd done to our relationship. Again, I don't know that I can believe him, even if he does sound sincere.
I do think his apology is sincere, but as I said above, I'm not sure if he really understands the extent of what he should be sorry for. The fact that his words are the opposite of his previous actions has never been more clear. My problem is, as a person in recovery, his mind is changing so fast, and if he hurt me once, I know he is capable of doing it again. Even if he is truly sorry, he did it once, he can do it again. I can't have that happen. it hurt bad enough the first time. I don't think I'm considering getting back together with him. I think this is more about forgiveness, and letting go of the hate in my heart. Of course I still love him, and I'm confused as hell, but considering what's he's done and that he's about to go to jail, getting back together is out of the question.
Lily1918
He's not sure yet, but he'll probably do around 90 days in jail. So he won't be there long, and luckily I've never heard him say any of the things on that list. He's feeling optimistic about his recovery. I want to believe that he isn't apologizing just because he's going to jail, but the part of me that has been hurt by him is too wounded to not consider that possibility. He claims he only saw the other girl for a week or so right after we broke up because he was lonely and needed a distraction from thinking about what he'd done to our relationship. Again, I don't know that I can believe him, even if he does sound sincere.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 220
Originally Posted by Lily1918 
Well... (sigh)
My AH has been in prison since 2013 and I'm not sure if what I'm thinking is what you want to hear.
Jail is difficult. It has it's own subculture. If he is going for an extended amount of time then it really makes sense that he wants to make ammens now before he goes in. Addicts (and prisoners of all kinds) are often looking for enablers. They want someone to write and someone to visit and send money.
I imagine that the girl he left you for doesn't want to do these things, so he came back to you to try and lure you in to support him while he is inside.
My AH uses a different approach, but the motives are the same. Of course he realizes his mistake now that he is going away. They always do.
Check out this article. Does this boy say any of these things? My AH does.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-say-jail.html
My AH has been in prison since 2013 and I'm not sure if what I'm thinking is what you want to hear.
Jail is difficult. It has it's own subculture. If he is going for an extended amount of time then it really makes sense that he wants to make ammens now before he goes in. Addicts (and prisoners of all kinds) are often looking for enablers. They want someone to write and someone to visit and send money.
I imagine that the girl he left you for doesn't want to do these things, so he came back to you to try and lure you in to support him while he is inside.
My AH uses a different approach, but the motives are the same. Of course he realizes his mistake now that he is going away. They always do.
Check out this article. Does this boy say any of these things? My AH does.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-say-jail.html
Hopefully this will be his bottom, but give yourselves both a year or two of recovery to see what happens. Take care of you!
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Often forgiveness isn’t for them as much as it is for you. You still have this thread connecting you to him via your hate/hurt. Forgiving him means cutting that thread and freeing yourself from him, but it sounds like you are unsure if that is what you want to do.
Also forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to go back to a relationship of any significance it can and in this case should mean moving on, letting go.
And what his mind and what his recovery is doing should have no impact on what you and your mind wishes to do.
Also forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to go back to a relationship of any significance it can and in this case should mean moving on, letting go.
And what his mind and what his recovery is doing should have no impact on what you and your mind wishes to do.
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Selpats, I feel for you. I understand exactly where you are coming from...our ex's did the same exact thing. Mine has made no attempt to make amends or apologize, though. Part of me has wanted him to at least make the effort to make me feel validated, I guess. Him abandoning me after being by his side for so long and the way he did it so cold and callous, really was a blow to my ego and definitely broke my heart and messed with my mind. I doubt my ex will ever contact me, he's still with whoever he is with. And, I've thought about what would I do if he contact me. I've decided that too much damage is done and I won't ever be able to believe a single word that comes out of his mouth. Maybe that seems harsh, but after thinking about all the lies he told me over the years, how sincere they seemed, there's just no way I could ever believe or trust him. So, as one of my friends told me, "make your own closure".
I really like what Atalose posted - all very, very true. Maybe take his amends as a way to close the door for good and move on. I wouldn't over analyze it, it will only drive you crazy. I get that it's so hard to know what is true or sincere after being lied to for so long. I wish you healing, no matter what. And, please, proceed with caution. I know how very bad he hurt you. Hugs to you!
I really like what Atalose posted - all very, very true. Maybe take his amends as a way to close the door for good and move on. I wouldn't over analyze it, it will only drive you crazy. I get that it's so hard to know what is true or sincere after being lied to for so long. I wish you healing, no matter what. And, please, proceed with caution. I know how very bad he hurt you. Hugs to you!
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Originally Posted by allmirages
Selpats, I feel for you. I understand exactly where you are coming from...our ex's did the same exact thing. Mine has made no attempt to make amends or apologize, though. Part of me has wanted him to at least make the effort to make me feel validated, I guess. Him abandoning me after being by his side for so long and the way he did it so cold and callous, really was a blow to my ego and definitely broke my heart and messed with my mind. I doubt my ex will ever contact me, he's still with whoever he is with. And, I've thought about what would I do if he contact me. I've decided that too much damage is done and I won't ever be able to believe a single word that comes out of his mouth. Maybe that seems harsh, but after thinking about all the lies he told me over the years, how sincere they seemed, there's just no way I could ever believe or trust him. So, as one of my friends told me, "make your own closure".
I really like what Atalose posted - all very, very true. Maybe take his amends as a way to close the door for good and move on. I wouldn't over analyze it, it will only drive you crazy. I get that it's so hard to know what is true or sincere after being lied to for so long. I wish you healing, no matter what. And, please, proceed with caution. I know how very bad he hurt you. Hugs to you!
I really like what Atalose posted - all very, very true. Maybe take his amends as a way to close the door for good and move on. I wouldn't over analyze it, it will only drive you crazy. I get that it's so hard to know what is true or sincere after being lied to for so long. I wish you healing, no matter what. And, please, proceed with caution. I know how very bad he hurt you. Hugs to you!
I remember all the similarities in our relationships. Because of the cold and uncaring way he broke up with me, I felt like you. I was broken and upset, and I didn't think I'd ever hear from him again, let alone get an apology. Low and behold, it only took him 2 months to realize what a mistake he made, and by then it was too late to repair the damage.
After several days of him texting me without much response, I finally decided to give him a chance to apologize. We met up a few days ago, and he explained everything. He told me exactly what I wanted to hear, and to be honest, I don't really care if it's the truth or not because it gave me the strength to forgive him, and I feel MUCH better. I forgave him for me, not for him. As I said above, I still love him, and a part of me hopes that after more time has passed, we can try again, but only if he has proven himself to be a changed man. However, I know even that sounds dangerous.
I know exactly what you are going through, and I'm sorry that your ex has made no effort to apologize. Just remember that if he can't find it in his heart to treat you with the respect you deserve, then you don't really need his apologies anyway. You are a strong person for going through what you have been through, and you WILL make it through this.
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Selpats - I am truly happy that you are now able to let go and forgive. I think that will really help with your healing. My ex actually text me about a month after our "fight" or whatever you call it. I don't know if I even posted it on here. Just a random text "seeing if you wanted to talk". I didn't respond for a few days because honestly, I didn't have anything to say, and I didn't want to hear his BS. By the time I text/called, we had a short conversation. It sounded so scripted on his part, it was not genuine. Gave me a bogus lie that his sponsor said we shouldn't talk. Little did he know this supposed sponsor goes to a place I do and we ended up talking and he said he never sponsored my ex and had no idea why he said what he did. So, I text him I knew about that lie. Got a nasty text back attacking me because he cannot stand that I find out the truth and call him on it. I can't help it, it's what I've done for so long. You know, detective mode just to know that you aren't crazy...always feeling you have to find proof. I'm really glad to say those day are OVER...who wants to live that way?? No one! Don't addicts get that? It isn't fun doing it...we don't get off doing it. (sorry to vent)
Then I text trying to set up to meet to make peace to move on and he was just nasty and cold to me. A few days later I saw him at a AA/Alanon function and he completely ignored me. Sat by one of the young girls he's been hanging around. I felt all of his circle was looking at me. Lord knows he has probably said horrible things about me. That's what he does...every one of his ex's are "crazy, etc". You know the drill. So, I'm doing ok. Still struggling with letting go of the anger and resentment, betrayal, etc. But, I am working on it, working on me. I will not let this break me. I just wish we could've had a civil conversation like it sounds like you did. But, I know I'm better off. I know in my heart I cannot ever trust him. Even sober, he still lies and you cannot build any sort of good foundation of a relationship built on a pile of lies. Nevermind the addiction part that will always be looming.
I hope you continue to heal. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Makes me feel less alone, know I'm not crazy, etc. Hugs to you!!
Then I text trying to set up to meet to make peace to move on and he was just nasty and cold to me. A few days later I saw him at a AA/Alanon function and he completely ignored me. Sat by one of the young girls he's been hanging around. I felt all of his circle was looking at me. Lord knows he has probably said horrible things about me. That's what he does...every one of his ex's are "crazy, etc". You know the drill. So, I'm doing ok. Still struggling with letting go of the anger and resentment, betrayal, etc. But, I am working on it, working on me. I will not let this break me. I just wish we could've had a civil conversation like it sounds like you did. But, I know I'm better off. I know in my heart I cannot ever trust him. Even sober, he still lies and you cannot build any sort of good foundation of a relationship built on a pile of lies. Nevermind the addiction part that will always be looming.
I hope you continue to heal. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Makes me feel less alone, know I'm not crazy, etc. Hugs to you!!
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Originally Posted by allmirages
Selpats - I am truly happy that you are now able to let go and forgive. I think that will really help with your healing. My ex actually text me about a month after our "fight" or whatever you call it. I don't know if I even posted it on here. Just a random text "seeing if you wanted to talk". I didn't respond for a few days because honestly, I didn't have anything to say, and I didn't want to hear his BS. By the time I text/called, we had a short conversation. It sounded so scripted on his part, it was not genuine. Gave me a bogus lie that his sponsor said we shouldn't talk. Little did he know this supposed sponsor goes to a place I do and we ended up talking and he said he never sponsored my ex and had no idea why he said what he did. So, I text him I knew about that lie. Got a nasty text back attacking me because he cannot stand that I find out the truth and call him on it. I can't help it, it's what I've done for so long. You know, detective mode just to know that you aren't crazy...always feeling you have to find proof. I'm really glad to say those day are OVER...who wants to live that way?? No one! Don't addicts get that? It isn't fun doing it...we don't get off doing it. (sorry to vent)
Then I text trying to set up to meet to make peace to move on and he was just nasty and cold to me. A few days later I saw him at a AA/Alanon function and he completely ignored me. Sat by one of the young girls he's been hanging around. I felt all of his circle was looking at me. Lord knows he has probably said horrible things about me. That's what he does...every one of his ex's are "crazy, etc". You know the drill. So, I'm doing ok. Still struggling with letting go of the anger and resentment, betrayal, etc. But, I am working on it, working on me. I will not let this break me. I just wish we could've had a civil conversation like it sounds like you did. But, I know I'm better off. I know in my heart I cannot ever trust him. Even sober, he still lies and you cannot build any sort of good foundation of a relationship built on a pile of lies. Nevermind the addiction part that will always be looming.
I hope you continue to heal. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Makes me feel less alone, know I'm not crazy, etc. Hugs to you!!
Then I text trying to set up to meet to make peace to move on and he was just nasty and cold to me. A few days later I saw him at a AA/Alanon function and he completely ignored me. Sat by one of the young girls he's been hanging around. I felt all of his circle was looking at me. Lord knows he has probably said horrible things about me. That's what he does...every one of his ex's are "crazy, etc". You know the drill. So, I'm doing ok. Still struggling with letting go of the anger and resentment, betrayal, etc. But, I am working on it, working on me. I will not let this break me. I just wish we could've had a civil conversation like it sounds like you did. But, I know I'm better off. I know in my heart I cannot ever trust him. Even sober, he still lies and you cannot build any sort of good foundation of a relationship built on a pile of lies. Nevermind the addiction part that will always be looming.
I hope you continue to heal. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Makes me feel less alone, know I'm not crazy, etc. Hugs to you!!
Hearing your story has helped me as well. This community has been a huge help in general! I know the worst part of situations like this is the wasted time. You give your all to someone, only to realize they never deserved it in the first place. I'm not sure if it helps, but your ex is probably treating you like crap because that's how he feels. His life is a wreck, and he's using other girls as a bandaid because he knows it's too late to get sympathy from you.
You are in my thoughts! I know how hard it is to get over a breakup like this. Eventually, it'll get easier!
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